I took a deep breath. All would eventually be well. I just had to quit poking at my pain bubble.
“How was the dance?” Anything to get me out of my own head. “You never did tell me.”
“It was fine until that stupid Pie guy went and dropped red wine all over me. They were there getting into a fight with R.J.’s frat brother Ted. They really ruined my night.”
I put my hands on my hips. “The frat that burned down?”
“That’s right.” She sighed. “I’m so looking forward to bringing you home with me for a whole week. Things really haven’t been going your way. But we’ll have a relaxing time and you’ll feel better. I mean, screw those guys. There are other fish in the sea, Giovanna. You obviously didn’t matter to them.”
My heart beat so loud I could hear it in my ears and yet I stayed completely still. “Did you have to put it exactly like that?”
She touched the dress for a second. “I don’t sugarcoat things. You know that.”
“Well, if that’s the truth—” I really should stop talking or I was going to end up having a fight and I was in no condition to manage that. Still, I kept speaking. “I need to ask you if R.J. is hurting you. I’ve been trying to tactfully come up with a way to figure out how to do that but I am not good at that. Are you acting so… hostile all the time because R.J. is abusive?”
Molly didn’t react at all. Her face stayed passive, her eyes still on the dress. “You’re asking me that because the three losers who broke your heart said something to you about it.” She scowled slightly, turning her eyes to mine, finally. “I knew what R.J.’s reputation was going into this. Unlike some people, I chose to not be Greek because I didn’t want to waste my time on nonsense, not because I walked around with my head down unaware of who everyone was all the time.”
Did she mean me? Did she think that was what I did? She wasn’t entirely wrong, but the way she said it made it seem like I was being deliberately obtuse and not just lost all the time. I opened my mouth to ask her but she kept speaking. I decided not to interrupt.
“There’s no way R.J. could hurt me. You might think I’m making that up.” She jerked one shoulder like she was so uninterested she couldn’t bother to shrug both of them. “But R.J. could never hurt me. Not even if he wanted to, which he doesn’t. He loves me. I have him well under control.”
I had so many questions I didn’t know which one to ask first. “What does that even mean?”
“You’ll never understand.” She pulled me into a hug. “That’s because you’re sweet. And that’s not a bad thing to be. Sweet could not have held those three. I’m not even sure I could have done it. You’ll be okay, Giovanna. You survived the fire. That was impressive. Your nice, simple future will probably have a white picket fence.”
I stayed very still. One time when I was living in Kenya I’d encountered a woman who had just lost her son. He’d been killed in a terrible accident when a truck had rolled over him. I hadn’t seen it, but the small town where we’d been staying while my parents conducted anecdotal interviews was still reeling. The last thing I’d expected was to meet the mother of the stranger who had died. The last thing I’d expected was to have her grab hold of me and hold onto my twelve year old self like I was the only reason she could breathe.
I’d just stood there, knowing I could not move.
I’d been frozen.
I was now, too. But this was different. I was frozen then because I’d somehow understood she needed me. I was equally frozen now because I was scared to move.
What had happened to my roommate? Was this some kind of weird post traumatic thing? Was she really being abused and lying? Why was she scaring me?
A knock sounded, breaking up the weird moment, and I’d never been so glad to be separated from anyone in my life.
My hand came up to my neck as Molly backed off and let Felicia in the room. They started talking. I wished I could pick up my phone and text the guys. Just tell them. I was creeped out again by my roommate.
Banyan would make a joke and then offer, seriously, to take me to a foreign country to get away from her. Maven would point out that she was never going to be normal considering her choice of boyfriends and Chance would squeeze my hand.
But all of that was over and the only friends I had in the world were connected to Molly. I was going home with her. Plus, I’d recently learned I couldn’t trust myself at all. I went and fell in love with three guys I was supposed to be just hooking up with.
And now I was a wreck. Maybe I was just… off.
“Hi, Felicia.” I waved at her, and she stepped into the room, pulling me into a hug. With her, it was odd to be held but not like I wanted to freeze or run away.
She let go. “I heard about the breakup.”
I jolted. She had? “How did you hear about it?”
Felicia threw her arms in the air, stretching like she was doing yoga and stepped away. “That website. The girls are all atwitter.” Sometimes she used words like that. It was funny. “They’re so happy that the guys are taking other people to the formal and that you are out of the picture.”
I wouldn’t look. I wouldn’t let myself see my name on that site again. “Shouldn’t they all be getting their letters and celebrating? Why bother with me?”
Felicia shrugged. “Screw them all.”
I grinned at her, not really feeling it, but that was fine. “Have a great spring break, Felicia.”
At home, Molly was different. I’d noticed it the last time I’d visited over Thanksgiving that she was quieter at home. Oh, her relatives had talked a lot, but this time with no holiday to celebrate we were alone with her parents.
We walked the King of Prussia Mall, and while I winced buying a cookie, I watched her decide what to wear to R.J.’s formal. It took four stores, but she finally bought a long, black dress. It was stunning on her.
Molly seemed more like her old self.
“Are you stressed at school? What do you think about the fires?” We’d never really talked about them.
She sipped her coffee. “I’m not more stressed this year than I ever am. Classes suck, but they’re supposed to suck. It’s the rest of it that can make me feel off. That being said, I actually feel like I’ve taken control of things this year. I hate our dorm. My parents cheaped out and wouldn’t let me live in the apartments next to campus.”
Molly had never told me that. If she’d done that, we wouldn’t be living together. I’d have had a random roommate I didn’t know. I kept that thought to myself. I’d thought we were very close. Cheaped out? She was dress shopping without concern for the cost. I supposed at Denberg most students did move off campus by junior year. After freshman year there wasn’t as much on campus housing for this reason.
The college counted on its students having the means to not need their housing. If everyone stayed on campus, there wouldn’t be enough. Maybe other places there were cheap opportunities for living nearby but not at our school.
“I didn’t know you felt that way.”
We walked together out of the shopping mall. “I get sick of places. I’ll admit it. And stupid people. So what did you like about them anyway? Those assholes you were dating?”
“They’re not assholes.” I didn’t want her talking about them anymore if that was how she was going to be. Maybe there would come a time when I’d want to hear that directed toward them, when it would be cathartic in some ways to know there were people out there who cared enough to trash talk them. But not yet. I still felt connected.
I didn’t believe they’d let people talk about me. Of course the second I thought that I remembered the website. They were, de facto, letting them say lots of things and not uttering a word.
De facto. I shook my internal head. Maven had rubbed off on me. He said things like that.
We got in the car, and she pulled into traffic, heading back on the highway. She turned slightly to look at me. “What did you like about each of them?”
“So many things
.” They were multi-faceted people. It was hard to put my finger on any one thing. “Just this overall sense that we all belonged together.”
“Oh.” Molly drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. “I get it. I do, now. You fit right in with them because they’re so comfortable with each other. You’ve always wanted a family. You thought you had one. That’s sad, sweetie. That’s sad.”
I closed my eyes. Whatever I did from here on in, I would never, ever, spend this much time with Molly again. In fact, I planned to make that a goal.
People changed, so friendships did, too. I didn’t remember her being this cruel in how she spoke to me, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it wasn’t the fact that I had gotten into the relationship to begin with that bothered her. Molly had always been the one with lots going on. Whatever I thought of him, she had R.J. That had put her, maybe in her mind, above me. Now there I’d been with not one but three guys in a fraternity interested in me.
Maybe she was jealous.
I hated thinking that. There was nothing about me that I’d automatically think warranted that kind of response but how else to explain her sudden need to jab me all the time? Before I hadn’t had anything jab worthy.
We arrived back at her home, and I helped her carry her bags inside. Her mother stood by the kitchen window, staring out at the backyard.
That seemed to be where she always was. Molly’s mother had told me to call her Denise the first time I’d met her and so I did. My inclination was still to call older adults Mr. or Mrs. So-and-so, though, and would probably always be that way. I also didn’t want to be rude. If the person in question preferred Denise then Denise was what I would call them.
When Molly went to try on the dress, this time in front of her own trusted mirror, I walked over to the window to stand next to Denise.
“Hello, have you had a nice day?” I hoped this wasn’t a ridiculous question. My own mother preferred not to have small talk so we never made any in our home, sometimes going hours without uttering a word. In truth, I could go days without anyone addressing me at all. They’d either not gotten my email or they hadn’t responded to it. I kept thinking about poison darts. I’d been making jokes. But what if it was real. What if they really were hurt or dead and I had no idea?
She didn’t move her eyes off the backyard. “The neighbor’s dog keeps trying to dig under our fence.”
That seemed an odd way to answer me. Still, I’d asked, so I’d go for it. “Is there any way to stop it?”
She sighed. “I want to kill it. But my husband says we can’t kill the neighbor’s dog.”
She wanted to kill it? The dog? I took a step back. I’d heard people say things like that about rats, and every place on earth had different standards of what animals were considered sacred or protected, if any.
I’d never heard anyone say they wanted to kill a dog.
I guessed I’d been thinking about maybe asking the neighbor to somehow get the dog to stop digging. I decided right then and there that I didn’t care for Molly’s mom at all. She had dead eyes. Whatever I did or didn’t do in life, I wasn’t going to end up like that.
I wasn’t going to stare out a window and daydream about killing dogs.
I checked my email for the seventh time that day and still didn’t have a reply from my parents. Molly’s house had two guestrooms, so I could spend part of the day by myself. That was a good thing since so much of my energy seemed to have been sucked right out of me.
I’d never really understood heartbreak before. The absence of the person, or in this case people, that I loved was like a giant black hole of the universe. It sucked and sucked everything into it. I was able to swirl around, caught in the pull, but I’d never be able to get myself out of it. There was no progress to be made, there was only existing in the chaos until I finally went under.
I closed my eyes. There I was again. Heading straight for the dramatic. I had a roof over my head. Granted, it was with a family whose matriarch wanted to kill the neighbor’s dog for digging.
Gosh, guys, you can’t believe how weird it is here.
It would be so easy to text that to them. If only I had a phone and they hadn’t decided to be done with me. If only things were different. Of course, I couldn’t change things just based on wishing alone.
I had to accept reality.
Somehow.
Only, I could still feel their arms around me.
I closed my eyes and sleep drifted over me. I was standing at the King of Prussia Mall, leaning against a railing, looking over at the people shopping while I sipped a coffee. As this was my dream, I could see the coffee and the railing but not myself. I stared down at my feet. I had on strappy black heels.
Next to me someone groaned, and I looked over at Chance. His hair was a little bit longer than I was used to seeing it, a strand fell in his eyes. I reached over, feeling the softness under my fingertips. He took my hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing my fingertips. “I’ll cut it eventually. Do you think that they’re going to go in and out of every store?”
I suddenly knew what he was talking about, as though I’d been part of conversations in the dream reality. It was at that point I realized I was dreaming. Dream Chance was annoyed that Banyan and Maven were taking so long to pick out a tie.
If I hadn’t known I was asleep I would have then. It was hard to picture any of them in the mall. They bought custom made things and designer ties.
Banyan might not actually own a tie just for the sake of being obstinate about it.
Tears flooded my eyes. “Chance, I’m all alone in the world. That’s how it feels.”
Banyan ran up next to me, jumping up on the railing to sit down. “Maven’s going to be in there forever.”
“You know how he likes to shop.” Chance raised his eyebrows. Once again, it was a dream. In real life, he’d never have ignored what I just said. “Has to be just the right shade of green.”
He did care about fashion. That much was true. But why was I having this dream if I couldn’t talk to them? Maven sauntered out of the store, two bags in his hands. “Good thing we got out of there when we did.”
He spoke to all of us, eventually winking at me. I looked around. Were none of them going to ask him why?
All right, I would. I wiped my eyes. “Why did you have to get out of there then?”
He turned directly to me. “Because this whole place is going to burn.”
“What?”
The store he’d been in erupted in flames, the heat of the fire shoving me backward into the railing. I tried to cover my face, but I couldn’t. The fire would scorch me. I screamed.
Suddenly I was back in my dorm, running down the stairs at top speed, holding my sneakers in my hand. I rushed out into the snow. That was when I had met all of them. Only as I stood there, staring up at the burning building in front of me, nobody came.
I sat up in bed, my heart racing.
This was ridiculous. I couldn’t keep doing this. I wiped at my eyes. I was crying in my sleep now. Someone would know where my parents were and would demand they get back in touch with me. I wasn’t this passive. I would not be ignored.
I grabbed my laptop, and I searched the Harvard website until I found my mother’s boss. She hated him. He annoyed her to death, but if the head of her department reached out to her, she would answer. And, clearly, if they were dead from poison darts he’d know that, too.
I sent out a polite email outlining how long it had been since I’d heard from them and asking him to let them know I was trying, should they not know. It was going to drive my mom nuts that I did this but at least it would elicit a response.
That had to be worth something.
The door to my room flung open, and Molly stood in the doorway. I jumped. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. I mean, fine. My mom’s being my mom.” She rolled her eyes. “Listen, I have great news.”
I could use some of that. I got to my feet. “What’s up?”
“DKI got their letters.” She grinned, ear-to-ear. I realized I was expected to be excited about this
“Yay.”
I hoped my response was good enough but R.J.’s frat finishing their pledging process wasn’t really all that exciting to me.
She waved her hand. “No, I’m not done. Listen, it’s formal time. As soon as they finish they have the formal. So the Saturday before school starts back up, it’s the dance. And,” she pointed at me, “you’re going.”
Was she out of her mind?
“Molly, doesn’t that usually require being asked?” That was an easy answer. A lot simpler than I’m dreaming of my exes, and I can hardly breathe. Plus, I think your mother might be psychotic.
She nodded, slowly. “R.J.’s little brother, that’s a term for this relationship they have in the frats, never mind, needs a date. He has a girlfriend, but she’s abroad in Spain for the next year. He’s totally committed to her. He won’t have any expectations of you doing anything with him because, amazingly, he doesn’t cheat just because she’s not there.”
I tried to follow her. “Then why does he need me?”
“She’s in Spain, and it sucks to go alone. So you’ll go. You have that dress,” she waved her hand again in that weird way she was doing lately, “you’ll go. End of story.”
“Molly, I’m not feeling really up for that kind of thing.”
She put her hand on my shoulder. “Giovanna, I say this as a friend, you have to do this. Have. Some. Fun. Your guys are.”
An image of the girl who’d let me know about the dance flew through my mind. Yes, that was right. They would be out, and they’d be having fun with other women. Those girls would know that night what amazing, attentive, lovers they were. I’d never have that again.
I sucked in a breath. Why shouldn’t I go? I’d never been to a dance like that. “Okay.”
She beamed. “It’ll be a night to remember. Felicia and Jenna are going, too. But they have real dates. Not just going as friends, set up thingy.”
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