Made to Love

by Medina, Heidi

  I had to be misreading her. Right?

  “No,” she said softly. “But it does mean that I need to tell you something.”

  I squinted my eyes at her as I pushed damp hair off my forehead. I reached over to turn off the radio, sensing whatever she was about to say was important to her. There was nothing she could say to me that would change the course of our impending relationship, and certainly nothing that would account for, in my mind, her less than enthusiastic mood. “Okay,” I replied, a prickling sensation spreading across my shoulders.

  She turned her head back toward the side window. I barreled down the expressway, doing my best to watch her and not end us up in the guardrail at the same time. She didn’t speak for several minutes, and I noticed her hand clenching and unclenching a fist against her leg. A far cry from the woman who less than an hour ago was licking my neck.

  Shit, what could possibly have her this nervous?

  I’d almost given up hope that she’d tell me anything more, when she finally spoke. “If we are going to do this, you need to know that you cannot, under any circumstances, hold me, hug me, whatever, to the point where my arms are trapped or constricted. Ever.” She said the words with no emotion, in rapid staccato, almost as if reading or quoting them from memory.

  Whatever I’d been thinking she’d say, it definitely wasn’t this.

  What the fuck?

  I waited for her to go on, and when she didn’t, I cleared my throat and gave a nervous laugh. Which was ridiculous, really. Nothing about this was even slightly humorous. “I don’t understand,” I began. “What do you—“

  “Please don’t ask questions, because I can’t answer any of them. You just need to know before we go any further.” She moved then, and looked back at me in the dark. “It’s how it has to be.”

  How in the hell was I supposed to react to this? Any elation I’d felt at believing I was on the verge of officially getting I’d wanted from her since day one paled in comparison to the bewilderment I was now faced with. She’d opened the door, but was still only letting me in so far. I still had restrictions. I could fuck her, but I couldn’t hold her?

  What kind of messed up shit was this?

  And what had happened to her to make her enforce this nonsense?

  I ran my fingers through my hair again. “Fuck, Reagan,” I said, my voice sounding more strained than I’d intended. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I just . . .don’t. . .”

  In all my years of relationships with women, none had thrown me for a loop like this wisp of girl had just done. She was calling the shots and refusing me the opportunity to weigh in. Had any of the women from my past tried something like this, I’d have walked away instantly.

  Is that what I wanted? To walk away from Reagan?

  “You don’t have to say anything. And I’m okay if you decide this isn’t what you want.” Her voice sounded small, defeated.

  I wanted her. But I didn’t know what that meant anymore.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Reagan

  We arrived at Nathan’s Boston apartment just after one o’clock in the morning.

  The last hour of our trip had been spent in silence, the mood somber and heavy, the only sounds coming from the radio that Nathan had finally flipped back on.

  Perhaps my timing hadn’t been the greatest. But I wasn’t sure how much longer I could have held off having that conversation with him. We both knew that this weekend symbolized the next step for us. I had given up pretending I didn’t want it.

  And we’d started out so good. The trip until then had been light-hearted and surprisingly fun. But as the miles fell between Manhattan and Boston, I had become increasingly unsettled. Not over taking that next step, but over the very real fear of what would happen if he again unknowingly did something to bring on another panic attack. It wasn’t fair to let him walk into this blind, yet I wasn’t ready to completely rip the band aid off the wound of my broken past either. So when conversation had taken the turn it did, I seized the opportunity to recite the same speech I’d given to every man I’d ever been involved with. I practically had the thing memorized.

  As I’d expected, Nathan hadn’t been satisfied with my vague explanation. I’d sensed it in his tone when he first tried to ask me why, and the way I’d constantly felt his eyes flickering to me throughout the rest of the trip. My stomach had remained in knots as I’d waited for him to pursue the topic further, but he’d remained silent even though I knew it was killing him to do so.

  And now we were here.

  I’d refused to make eye contact with him as he’d helped carry my bags inside. Tension swirled around us; the carefree camaraderie between us long gone, replaced by uncertainty. I had tried to prepare myself for the possibility that Nathan would decide that entering into a relationship with me was nothing short of ridiculous, had told myself I would be okay because, really, nothing would change. I would still be his friend (hopefully?) and things could go on as before. I told myself I was ready for that, but now, standing here in his kitchen in the middle of the night, I was suddenly very afraid I was not ready for that at all.

  He flipped on a light in the hallway just off the kitchen and turned toward me. “You’re probably tired. Come on, I’ll show you where you can stay.” He picked up my bags and headed down the hallway, leaving me to follow behind. He stopped at the first door on his left, and turned on a lamp near the bed. The guest room was simple, but expertly and fashionably designed, and judging from the large computer desk and bookshelves that spanned an entire wall, also doubled as his office.

  I wonder if this is what he had in mind when he’d urged me to stay with him all those hours ago.

  He placed my luggage on the bed and faced me, running his hand through that thick, unruly hair of his. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but decided otherwise and shut it.

  This was stupid. With my carefully phrased words spoken in the car, I’d somehow managed to erase everything we’d built in the last few weeks. I tossed my purse beside my suitcase on the bed. “Thank you, Nathan.” I stood by the bed, and crossed my arms over my chest. “I know this isn’t. . .I just. . .” I sighed heavily. “Just thank you.”

  He moved then, stalking toward me slowly, his eyes never leaving my face. He reached me, and placed a hand on my neck, sliding it to the back under my hair. He leaned down and kissed my forehead, before pulling my head to his chest. Bewildered, I said nothing, but instead burrowed my nose in his shirt, almost dry now, taking in his scent. I hesitantly wrapped my arms around his waist, and I felt him relax against me.

  Perhaps he was just as nervous as I was.

  “It’s gonna be okay.” His voice rumbled in his chest against my ear.

  I leaned back slightly and look up at him. “Yeah?”

  I wasn’t so sure, but his optimism made me feel better. Kind of.

  He nodded once. “Yeah,” he repeated. His eyes moved over my face, as if seeing me for the first time, and I knew there was so much more he wanted to say. The trouble was, this was something I couldn’t talk about. He leaned down and kissed my cheek and then stepped back. “Okay, then. I’m gonna go. There’s a bathroom right across the hall. Do you need anything?”

  I shook my head and he moved toward the door. Once in the doorway, he stopped and looked back over his shoulder. “Reagan?”

  “Yes?”

  “Goodnight,” he whispered and then left the room, softly closing the door behind him.

  I sat down on the bed with a whoosh. This was definitely not what I’d had in mind when I’d agreed to come to Boston with him.

  I zipped open my suitcase and tossed aside the sexy nightgown I’d packed specifically for Operation Seduction, and dug out a pair of navy and aqua pajama shorts and a matching tank. I yanked them on, ignoring said nightgown where it lay, mocking me with its plum satin smile, reminding me that I was fucked up and Nathan wasn’t interested. I was here, in his apartment, several hours away from prying eyes, and he’d
deposited me in the guest room and left.

  Of course, I did kinda drop a bit of a bomb on him, but still.

  I turned the light off, flipped back the covers on the bed, and climbed in. Tomorrow was a new day. Things always looked better in the morning, and perhaps it would be as Nathan said. Perhaps it would all be okay.

  I had just closed my eyes when I heard the unmistakable sound of a shower being turned on.

  Holy shit!

  Nathan Preston was taking a shower in what sounded like the next room over. . .hot water, soapy suds running over his deliciously naked body. . .that tight ass—

  I rolled over and buried my face in the pillow, clenching my legs against the sudden heat that had pooled there. The faint sounds of music drifted over the running water and I heard the shower door shut.

  He was naked.

  Wet.

  Naked.

  How in the hell was I supposed to sleep with that going on mere feet away from me? Liquid heat pulsed between my legs and my nipples ached.

  I sat up and heaved a sigh. I was nervous, anxious, flushed and unbelievably horny. Nathan was just in the other room. What was I doing here, alone, in the guest room?

  I was being a coward. Any other man, and I’d already be in his bed. My previous relationships had been simple and uncomplicated. There hadn’t been all this tension, all this overwhelming desire.

  Shallow and going nowhere, but uncomplicated.

  Nathan was different. He made me feel things I’d never felt before, saw things, sensed things no one else ever had. I was beginning to believe he had the power to break my heart, and it scared the hell out of me.

  But the hard part was over. Yeah, I knew that eventually I would have to explain myself, and talk about my past, because Nathan wasn’t going to be satisfied with being left in the dark for long, so okay, maybe not all the hard stuff was over. But I’d made the first step. That had to count for something, right?

  And I wanted this. I wanted him.

  Flinging off the covers, I tip-toed to the door and peered out. The hall was dark, but I zeroed in on the room to my left. A faint glow of light showed under the door and I figured it had to be his room.

  Heart pounding heavily, and feeling almost lightheaded at what I was about to do, I crossed the short distance, reached a hand out to the door and silently turned the knob.

  A small lamp burned in the far corner of the room, and I became vaguely aware of the king sized mahogany bed and ridiculously large flat screen hanging across from it. But Nathan wasn’t in here.

  No, he was still in the shower.

  My eyes focused on the open door to the master bath. Again, the overhead lights weren’t on; just small lamps that sat on each end of the vanity. I couldn’t see the shower from where I stood, but I could hear it, could hear the water as it cascaded off his body and hit against the stone tiled floor.

  The music was louder from inside the room, and if it was even possible, my pulse quickened further as the opening drum beats of John Legend’s “Made to Love” resonated around me.

  This was it. I’d come this far, I had to see it through.

  I tread softly across the plush carpet to the bathroom doorway and couldn’t stop my small gasp as I finally laid eyes on a very naked Nathan. The shower stall was huge, taking up one whole side of the bathroom, and was encased in glass. Steamy though the glass was, it didn’t hide Nathan as he stood with his back to me, head bowed, hands braced on each glass wall to the side of him. Tattoos curled over his upper arms and back, intricate swirls of dark ink that rippled along muscles, tight sinew stretching and rolling beneath his skin as he brought one hand up to slick back his hair as he straightened.

  As if sensing my presence, he abruptly turned his upper body, glancing over his shoulder and catching me staring at his beautifully sculpted naked ass. I dragged my eyes up to meet his gaze. He made no further move, but his shoulders rose and fell heavily, as if he was having difficulty breathing.

  Without releasing his gaze, I slowly reached up and yanked my tank top over my head, baring myself to him. His eyes widened briefly, but didn’t drop and instead remained steady on my own. I hooked my thumbs in the waistband of my pajama shorts and panties, pushing them down and to the floor. Again, his eyes flickered, but remained locked with mine.

  I was completely naked, standing in Nathan’s bathroom. There was no going back from this. I tentatively stepped forward and pulled open the shower door, the loud drums streaming from his iPod seeming to beat in tandem with my pounding heart.

  I stepped into the shower and pulled the door shut behind me, steam from the hot water dancing across my skin as I inhaled deeply, feeling as if I couldn’t quite catch my breath.

  It was then that Nathan’s gaze fell, slowly dragging along my entire length as he turned around entirely to face me. I swallowed hard as I took in the sight of his cock, huge, thick and already rock hard, and my fingers itched to touch him.

  Our eyes collided again, neither of us having yet said a word. I knew what he was waiting for. I had told him yes and no with both my words and actions so many times, he needed me to be sure this time. I was here, which already said so much, but I would have to be the one to continue making the first move.

  I stepped closer, water pelting my face and breasts, and touched a hand to his chest. His pectoral muscles leaped at the contact, and he dragged in his breath with a groan. Hands still fisted at his sides, he stared intently at me. “Reagan,” he whispered, a little warning in his voice that I should perhaps stop, and a whole lot of pleading that I don’t. “I don’t—“

  I touched a finger to his lips. “Don’t talk. Just fuck me, Nathan,” I pleaded back, my words coming out in short breathless gasps. It was hot in here, so hot, and my blood rushed through me, centering and pulsating between my legs.

  I needed this. And if he said no, I wasn’t sure I would survive.

  “Yes, ma’am,” he breathed in response. He took my face in his hands and began an assault of hot, wet kisses, his lips moving over my own, to my jaw, neck, teeth nipping at my shoulder before finding my mouth again.

  I slid both hands up his chest and around to his back, feeling the hard muscles move beneath my fingertips. His cock was hard against my stomach, and I pressed myself against him tightly, feverish with my desire to have him inside me.

  He tore his mouth from mine and glared down at me, his eyes burning. “I’m not sure I can be gentle,” he whispered, giving me one last out if I wanted it.

  My tongue flickered out and licked at water drops on his nipple. “I don’t want you to be.”

  He at once lifted me up against him, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. Kicking open the shower door, he stumbled out and staggered through the open doorway into the bedroom. Goosebumps pebbled across my skin at the sudden change in temperature. I wiggled closer to him, sucking his ear lobe into my mouth, craving the heat that was simmering between us.

  He dropped me roughly on the bed and I whimpered in protest at the loss of contact. He leaned over me, hands on the bed beside me as I inched my way backwards, further up on the bed. He followed, on all fours above me, his lips curled into a predatory smile. I reached to bring his mouth back to mine, but he swatted my hands away and leaned down and flicked my nipple with his tongue before drawing me into the heat of his mouth. He sucked hard and bit at my boob, sending a riotous tangle of electric currents down my body.

  His hands and mouth were everywhere. Licking, biting, and sucking. I shuddered and blindly tugged at his wet hair as his mouth continued its descent down my body. He tugged my legs further apart and hesitated but a brief second before closing his mouth on my clit, again licking, biting, and sucking. My hips surged against his mouth and I lifted my head to stare down at him in the soft light. He opened his eyes and stared back at me and I felt my muscles tighten, sensation barreling down my legs. There was something wildly sensual about locking eyes with a man who had his mouth buried between your legs. My toes curled into t
he comforter, and I lifted my hips off the bed, feeling my stomach clench in anticipation of my impending release.

  Nathan slid two fingers inside me, never breaking contact with his mouth. I heard his short, ragged breaths, felt the hot air against my overly sensitive clit and I did something I’d never done before. I began to beg. I had no idea what I was saying, mindless rambling and please for him to fuck me now, words uttered without thought. He raised his head and crawled back up over me, covering me with his body, and captured my mouth with his, and I tasted myself on his lips. I lifted a leg up over his waist, my heel digging into him as I rubbed against his cock, desperate for the friction my body was craving.

  “Jesus, Reagan. . .baby. .” He rolled to the side of the bed and pulled a condom from the nightstand drawer. Hastily rolling it on, he held himself over me, braced on his hands. Impatient, I reached down between us, wrapped my fingers around his cock and guided him to me.

  His eyes fluttered shut as he sank into me with a groan. “Fuuuuuckkkk!”

  There was no time to accustom myself to the feel of him as he began moving, long and deep, his pelvis slamming against my clit with each thrust. He sucked at my neck, and I locked both legs around his waist, meeting him thrust for thrust. My hands clutched at his back, fingernails digging crescents into his inked muscles before scraping down to grab his ass.

  His hands fisted in the comforter on either side of me as he rose up enough to nip at my boob with his teeth. The new angle sent him even deeper inside me, as our bodies continued to dance together in a tangled mass of sweaty limbs. I felt the familiar tightening in my lower belly.

  “Fuck, baby, come with me,” he whispered between kisses along my collarbone. “I can’t hold on. Christ. . .yes, that’s it.”

  My back arched with the force of my orgasm as waves of pulsing sensation washed over me. My legs stiffened around his waist, as he continued to pound into me, hard enough now that we began sliding across the bed. He increased the pace, as he whispered my name over and over. White noise filled my head as I screamed my release.