Brooke left to go get some coffee, and Jake led me back to the waiting room. I fell into a chair and scrubbed my hands over my face. “Fuck. If she leaves. . . .” I couldn’t even finish the thought.
“I know, man. I know. I’m finding out that after all this time, my sister is alive. Here, in New York. The woman we’ve been discussing for weeks. I don’t even know how to process that right now. There’s so much. . .I don’t know who she is anymore, where she’s been. Nothing.” He sighed heavily. “Hell if I want her to leave either, but if it comes to that, you gotta let her go. We both do.”
Tears burned my eyes. Let her go?
The idea would be laughable, if it didn’t hurt so sharply.
Maybe it was minutes, maybe it was hours. But suddenly Helen’s voice filled the room. “She’s asking for you.”
Reagan
I stared out the window of my room, as I waited for Jacob to appear. Helen had balked at my request to see him, saying that after what I’d just endured, I needed no further anxiety or stress. She was probably right, however I could not do what I was about to do without seeing him first.
My memories of the thirty minutes or so before I’d blacked out had slowly resurfaced once I’d woken up. And with them had come the pain, hurt and humiliation over what had happened. My job at Elite remained secure as long as I’d signed papers, clearing them of any liability should Tyler Winston decide to resurface. And Roger Preston had felt it best I know the reason—the only reason—I’d been hired, and that any preferential treatment that had been heretofore given, would no longer apply. While I had proved myself in the time I’d been with Elite, I would have to scrape my way through just like everyone else.
I hadn’t even been aware I was being given ‘preferential treatment’. I’d been given a job to do and I’d done my best to do it. The knowledge that it had been Nathan, and not my resume, that had secured me my position at Elite was humiliating, and heartbreaking.
I’d quit on the spot.
There had been a part of me, small, but still there, that had hoped it was some kind of cruel prank or a giant misunderstanding. That I would see Nathan, and he would laugh and explain it all away as another one of his father’s underhanded moves to hurt him. Irrational thinking, but there it was.
But Nathan hadn’t even denied it. He’d tried to explain, but he’d never denied.
And then I’d seen Jacob.
My brother. The one who had been there all those nights after Charlie had left. The one who had promised me things were going to be okay, who had held my hand and cried with me after Alex had been taken away. The one who had shouldered the burden of scavenging for food so his sister and brother didn’t starve. The one who had been my best friend in the entire world.
Tears leaked from the corner of my eyes as I shut them against the barrage of memories that I tried so hard to keep firmly locked in their place. What did a person say to their brother after not seeing him for almost thirteen years? Not knowing where he’d been? What had happened to him in those thirteen years? How could he have been here, so close, and I not know it? There was so much I had always thought I would say if I’d ever seen any of my brothers again, but suddenly, faced with the opportunity, I felt at a loss for words.
All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sob my eyes out.
But Jacob was here.
“Hi,” he called out tentatively from the doorway. His voice was so different, but yet at once familiar. It was his face that had seized my attention at Elite. He looked so much like our mother that it was almost painful to look at him. I’d known instantly, in those few seconds before darkness had overtaken me, who he was.
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Tears fell in earnest now, and Jacob walked to the side of my bed as if to hug me, or comfort me somehow, but stopped short. His own eyes welled with tears as we watched each other. And then we both began speaking at once.
“I can’t believe—“
“I don’t know where—“
I patted the bed beside me for him to sit. “Jacob, please tell me I am not dreaming and that you are really here,” I whispered.
“It’s not a dream. I’m here.” He reached out and I took his hand, and kissed his fingers, tasting the saltiness of my tears as they fell to his skin.
I sniffed and leaned back. “Tell me all of it.”
Jacob continued to hold my hand as he recounted the bigger details of the years we’d been apart. He’d gone to college—that’s where he’d met Nathan--gotten married and divorced, and had a three year old son. He’d become a doctor, family practice, and was Nathan’s best friend, and the infamous Dr. Miles that Brooke had raved on and on about. It was surreal that he’d been everywhere, all around me, and I hadn’t known. And I had a nephew! My heart ached over the years lost.
“What about you?” Jake questioned.
I told him about Helen, and how I’d found my way here in New York, leaving out all the painful parts of nightmares and therapy. I wasn’t ready to share those dark days with him, and didn’t know if I ever would. But Jacob surprised me by bringing up the one thing I never thought he knew anything about.
“I’ve seen how much Helen loves you, watched her worry over you the last few days. That’s good that you two found each other all those years ago, and that she’s helped you. . .been a mother to you in all the ways Naomi never was.” He squeezed my hand. “But you still can’t be hugged.”
I inhaled sharply at his words. There was no way he could have known about Buddy. I was sure I was the only one who lived that private hell.
He leaned forward. “What? You think I didn’t know about Buddy? Hell, Reagan. That man came into my room every night on his way to yours, held a knife to my throat and promised to butcher every single one of us if I said a word or tried to stop him.” His voiced cracked. “I ignored him and camped outside your door with it cracked, watching to make sure he didn’t do anything. But he just sat there. He knew I was there, too and he let it go for about a week and then he gave me this.” He lifted his shirt and pointed to a pale, thin, maybe two-inch scar on the left hand side of his chest, below his ribcage. “Not deep enough to do any real damage, but enough to scare me shitless.” He wiped a tear that had fallen down his cheek. “God, I’m so sorry. . .I laid there every night after that, terrified of what he was doing to you, but too fucking scared of what would happen if I got up to find out. And you. . ..you. . .when Nate grabbed you-- “ he broke off, unable to continue.
Tears blurred my vision as I grasped both of his hands. “Stop it, Jacob! Stop, right now! It isn’t your fault and there was nothing you could have done. And he didn’t do anything other than what you saw. He just barricaded me in his arms for hours, and I couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything really. And I sometimes think that was worse than having him touch me because I sat there every night, out of my mind with fear that tonight would be the night that he would. And at least I would know what to expect. But he never did, and I just continued going crazy with fear. And yeah, that messed me up. Shit, what about our childhood wasn’t messed up?” I reached out and wiped tears from his face. “But Buddy, Mom, all of it. It happened to all of us, Jacob, different ways, maybe. But it happened to all of us. And I’m dealing with it the best I can.”
“Are you? Nathan grabbed you and fucking shut down for two days! How is that dealing?”
I bristled at his intrusion. “It wasn’t just that. I saw you and everything came crashing back. . . .I just. . . .I have my own demons and I deal with them. It is what it is, Jacob.”
He sighed and rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry. I have no right to drag all that stuff up, not now.”
We sat in silence for a short while, and when I finally spoke again, my voice was small. “I hate what happened. All of it. I hate Charlie for bailing on us, and I hate that Alex was taken and we never saw him again. He was too little and he didn’t understand any of it. But most of all, I hate her.”
Jacob laughed, bu
t there was no humor in it. I didn’t need to explain who I meant. “Join the club.”
“But sometimes I hate myself because sometimes I miss her. . .well, the good memories I have of her, anyway.” I leaned my head back against the pillow and stared up at the ceiling. “Have you ever wondered what happened to Alex? I mean, do you think his dad and grandparents were good to him? And what about Charlie?”
Jacob stood and walked to the window. “Reagan, I . . . I should have looked for you after we—“
“I didn’t look for you either. It was a dark and ugly time for all of us. They said you were happy and being taken care of and I don’t know. . .time went on and so did I.”
He turned around and put his hands on his hips. “We had to go on; we had no choice. I know I tried fast and hard to move beyond those years with Naomi. And I had a good life after that, Reagan. It sounds like you did, too. I just want you to know that not a day went by that I didn’t think about you, about Alex, and Charlie.”
“Why do you call her Naomi?”
“Because I can’t call her mom. Not after. . .I just can’t.”
I didn’t press him further. Like I said, we all had our demons and had to deal with them the best we knew how.
“And I did try and check up on you guys. I found out I could inquire about adoption records since I was a blood relative. The information was vague, but I knew you had been placed into a good home. That helped. And Alex,” he continued as he walked back to sit on the bed. “As far as I know, Alex is happy with his dad. Again, the information was vague and I barely scratched the surface. The wounds were too deep.”
I nodded. “And Charlie? Did you . . .?”
“Turns out Charlie joined the army at some point after he left us. No adopted family that I could find, and,” he paused and drew in a deep breath. “And he was killed on tour in Iraq, when he was twenty-two.”
Neither of us spoke. I didn’t know how to process the information. Tears ran down my cheeks and I struggled between mourning the Charlie I knew before he’d left, and feeling nothing at the news of his death. He’d left us, had taken the easy way out of the hellhole, for reasons I had never known and now never would, and I’d spent many years angry at him.
“He’s still here, you know.” His voice was soft and I had no doubt who he was referring to.
“I’m sure he is. And I will need to see him, too, before I go.”
Jacob’s eyes snapped to mine. “Go? Go where?” But his eyes told me he already knew.
“I can’t stay here, Jacob. He’s your friend, but you don’t know what he did. I can’t. . .” my voice caught as a sob escaped my throat. I had cried so much in the last hour I didn’t know if I had any tears left. I was exhausted. “I know we just found each other, and there’s still so much we need to catch up on. I have a nephew I need to meet. . .and I want to get to know you all over again. But I. . .I just need some time.”
Jacob leaned up and kissed my forehead. “Okay. But, promise me you’ll stay in touch.” He scribbled his number on a small notepad beside the bed.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I closed my eyes and then opened them and met his gaze. “Will you get him for me?”
He nodded and headed toward the door. “Nathan’s an ass sometimes. His dad is Roger Preston so unfortunately he comes by it honestly. But whatever happened, whatever he did? I can promise you it wasn’t meant to hurt you. Trust me on this.”
I didn’t speak further as he quietly shut the door, disappearing from view.
I closed my eyes and silently prayed for strength.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Nathan
I knocked softly and then slowly opened the door. She was on the bed, face turned toward the window. It was my first sight of her since she’d collapsed in my arms and I hated the small, frail way she laid there, as if her entire world had caved in upon her shoulders and she’d crumpled beneath the weight. I knew from the crazy stipulations she placed on our relationship, and her refusal to ever talk about it, that there were things in her past that haunted her. But it wasn’t until witnessing her reaction to seeing Jake that I truly realized just how messed up her past must have been.
And I had simply added to the hurt.
I had to make this right. I had to make her understand.
“Reagan,” I said, moving further into the room.
She turned and met my gaze. Her eyes were red, and she looked. . .defeated. I had no idea what her and Jake had talked about—I still couldn’t believe they were brother and sister—and he had offered nothing as he’d stood there with eyes just as red, telling me it was my turn.
“Reagan,” I began again. “How are you feeling? Helen said—“
“I’m fine.”
I closed my mouth on whatever else I’d been about to say and stared at her helplessly as she turned her face back to the window. Neither of us spoke, and I willed myself to remain silent, and follow her lead.
“You were right, you know.” She turned back toward me. “There are things about me that I’ve never explained.”
“God, Reagan, that doesn’t even matter right—“
“You were right,” she repeated. “I placed stipulations on you. . .us. And I never explained why I needed them. And I don’t know if I can.”
“Okay. We will work through that. We’ll work through all of it, Reagan. I am so sorry. . . .I just. .” I trailed off at the look on her face.
“There isn’t anything to work through, Nathan,” she answered, shaking her head sadly. “This thing between us is over. Whatever games you’re playing with your father, I won’t be a pawn in them.” Her words were so lifeless, so cold. . .so final.
I was losing her.
But damn if I wasn’t gonna go down swinging.
“This, you and I, isn’t a game,” I said firmly. “I admit that seeing you that first time, you intrigued me. You were beautiful, the attraction was instant, and yes. I may have talked to Isaac. I had to see you again, and I’m sorry how that went down.” I held up a hand when she started to speak. “And maybe I should have told you about the lawsuit immediately, but I was doing what I could to protect you from it. I didn’t want you hurt.”
“And instead you were the one who hurt me, Nathan. You.” A tear snaked down her cheek and she stabbed at it before it could reach her jaw.
I gripped the back of the chair I was standing behind. “I know! Don’t you think I know that? This isn’t how it was supposed to be.”
I walked around the chair and stood next to the bed, staring down at her. She refused to meet my gaze. Pain and regret roiled in my gut, and my chest seized as I made one last ditch effort like the desperate man I was. “This isn’t a game. It never was. Whatever you think this started out as, it has become so much more than that.”
Something in my tone, some sense of the desperation I was feeling, must have come through to her because she looked up at me then, with wide eyes brimming with tears. “Please,” she pleaded. “Please don’t say it. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
I tilted my head and stared unwaveringly deep into her eyes. I was in love with her, but she didn’t want to hear it, and it wouldn’t change anything for her anyway. “This couldn’t possibly be any harder than it already is.”
Her tears fell then, and she tore her gaze away from mine and rubbed her eyes. “I can’t do this. I wanted to see you and let you know that I am going back to Austin with my mom.”
My lids slid shut, as the hammer fell on my heart at her words. I’d known they were coming, but that didn’t make hearing them any easier or the pain any less. “When?”
“As soon as I am discharged and can grab some of my things. I’ll arrange for the rest to be shipped.”
I opened my eyes. “I’ll take care of it.”
She shook her head. “You don’t have to do that. I—“
“I will take care of it,” I repeated.
She conceded, and silence fell between us again. I knew s
tanding here was only prolonging the inevitable, but I couldn’t make my feet move. She was leaving, and I selfishly wanted to drink in every last second of these few precious minutes with her.
But it was hurting her. She was pale, fighting a losing battle with her tears, and I knew my continued presence was making it worse for her. I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead. Tears stung my own eyes as I heard her inhale. I moved and rested my forehead against hers and closed my eyes. Time was running out.
My whispered words were hurried, and our tears melded together as I spoke. “I’m sorry that I hurt you. If I could go back and change it, I would. But you changed me, Reagan. You changed me, and made me feel things I never thought possible. And I don’t know if I will ever recover from it, but as sorry as I am at how things have turned out, I can’t be sorry for having known you. For having lov--”
She gripped the sides of my face and planted her lips on mine, hard, cutting off my words. Mouths closed, she held me there, breaking contact and quickly connecting again, before she pushed me away. “Please, you have to go,” she sobbed, covering her face with her hands.
I didn’t bother wiping away my own tears as I silently walked backward to the door and slipped out.
It was done.
Reagan
Two Weeks Later
The day I left the hospital and went back to my apartment, I’d taken one look at Nathan’s t-shirt I’d confiscated, tossed carelessly on the bed where I’d left it, and had slowly crumpled to the floor. I’d laid there for what seemed to be hours, deep, gut-wrenching sobs escaping my throat until I was so exhausted, voice hoarse and scratchy, that I’d fallen asleep. Helen and Brooke had left me undisturbed, knowing I needed to let it out, but at some point in the night, Helen had helped me from the floor into the bed.
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