by Ashley Beale
Is for you to know.
So when I look into those pretty brown eyes,
When your laugh echoes through a million memories,
When you are all I see while dreaming at night,
It's because knowing you keeps my heart at ease.
My angel, you're all I'll ever need,
But I know, I know, you don't need me.
I just need you to know, that you're the one I love.
I just need you to know, you've stolen my heart.
I just need you to know, that its only you I see.
Angel, it'll be okay, because everything I need is...
Everything I need is for you to know.
Does it hurt when you see me walk away?
When you're in his arms, are you thinking of me?
And is he the one you want to spend forever with?
When I walk by, is it love that you see?
Tell me girl, what it is you feel,
Tell me my angel, am I the one you need?
But even if I'm not, it'll be okay.
If you push me away, it'll be okay.
Even if you don't return the love I feel, it'll be okay,
Because everything I need is...
Oh, everything I need is... for you to know."
Before I'm even done singing the first line, tears starting running down Cassie's face. By the time I finished singing, she was full on crying. I place the guitar down as she pounces at me, holding me close to her. Holding me as if I were her lifeline. And I sure as hell hope that I'll be her lifeline forever.
"That was beautiful Avery. It was perfect. You're perfect. I love you so much," she blurts out.
I stroke the back of her hair while she rests her head against my shoulder. "You're everything to me, Cassie. You and this baby. I know he isn't technically mine, but I want him to be. I want to be his daddy. I'll never replace Pierce, I'll never disrespect you two, but I want to be completely involved baby. And if something does happen to Pierce, I'll be here to help you and the baby through everything. I promise you."
She pulls back and wipes at some of her tears. "I know you will, and that is what I find so incredible. Thank you, Avery." I kiss her pretty little lips, not caring one bit about the salty tears.
We get ready for bed and I have Cassie remain shirtless. Once we're laying down and watching one of her girly shows, I rub down her back with some oil crap she bought, until she falls asleep. Once she is asleep, first I change the damn channel, then I lay as close to her as I can. Life is too damn short, we keep finding that much out, and I need to make sure I do everything in my power to protect Cassie and this precious bundle of joy.
The first week after finding out about Pierce was hard. It took me a while to adjust to this empty feeling. I had a lot of panic and stress, and more praying than I think I've ever done. It goes above and beyond being someone I love, it goes to the point that this is my child's biological father. I want him to meet his father and vice versa. We have a connection I may never have with anyone else, and its special.
Nothing had changed in this first week, and that was what made it hard. Of course I begged and pleaded for the best, but if the worse was to come, I needed that closure. The whole being in limbo thing was driving me insane.
The second week got easier emotionally, but as far as Pierce, not so much. He started to finally wake up and do a few things, but he ended up getting an affection, and he was lucky they found out when they did. However, he went back to being heavily medicated, and his body was taking such a toll that he continued being touch and go a little longer.
By week three I was snapping at everyone, but I was being sociable again. I want to finish my college degree, but I didn't go back when classes started in the fall, and instead started doing online classes. Only two this semester, and possibly the same next, but by next year I want to go back full time. My mom already said she'd help me with daycare and scheduling everything.
Week four came and went by as Pierce finally started waking up and started becoming more socialable as well, but he still isn't himself and it breaks my heart. Avery has been nothing but supportive and loving, and goes with me when I want, or stays away when I'd rather him not.
The fifth week my mom and Aubrey brought me shopping and we got paint for the baby's nursery. I'm doing a soft green with white accents throughout the whole nursery, including the wall. My mom got annoyed I didn't do the traditionally blue color, but I didn't want to be like everyone else. I also don't want my baby being like everyone else.
This is also the same week that I started getting bitched at for not having picked out a name yet. I don't even have choices. I want to pick it out with Pierce, but also Avery, and honestly, I haven't thought much about the name. Honestly, I have over three months to decide on a name, I don't have to do it right now. Apparently not everyone agrees.
Weeks six, seven, and eight all dragged by, but eventually Pierce started becoming more himself and I started visiting even more. Thankfully tomorrow he gets to go home. Although he has limited mobility in his right arm, he can still move it, and he has lost some short term memory. It can eventually come back, but there isn't any exact time frame as to when. Thankfully he'll be absolutely nothing like in that movie, Fifty First Dates.
He'll be staying with his brother Evan for the next few weeks, but the girl Miah that he apparently has been seeing has offered to do what she can to take care of him as well. I've talked to her a few times while going in and visiting, and although she isn't my favorite person, I don't mind her. All I ask is that if she is going to stay with Pierce, that she treat our baby with love and respect, and same to me.
Not that I've said that to her.
For tonight, Mason and Avery are going out to Austin's to play video games, while Aubrey comes over and hangs out with me. They both are kid free, and don't even want to spend their time together. I feel bless Aubrey is more than willing to come over and spend time with me though. It's much needed.
Its not less than twenty minutes after Avery leaves that Aubrey shows up. She holds a bag out to me, which I take and bring to the table. "My favorite ice cream," I saw out loud while pulling it out. "And movies!"
"Yeah, its been far too long. Let's get this slumber party rocking." She giggles as she makes her way to the cupboards for bowls.
Once we have our ice creams, the two of us sit on the couch and start in on some girl talk. The sad thing about our girl talk is its turned more into mommy and boyfriend talk, instead of about this and that around school or with other friends. Its a pretty big wakeup call in how much my life has changed, however, I wouldn't change much about how my life is right now. I'm finally happier than I've been in a long time, sans the whole Pierce being injured part.
For the first time in a long time, it seems like I don't have to come to Aubrey for advice about my life or my relationship. I still ask her personal questions about the pregnancy, or what to expect in the first few weeks home. I look at how happy and content Mason and she are, and how wonderful of parent's they both are, and I feel like I can be that. I can have exactly what she has, even if my situation is a little different.
During the second movie, the two us eventually pass out at some point. I'm awakened by Avery carrying me into our bedroom. "You're home already?" I ask groggily.
He grins down at me. "Already? It's after one in the morning." He kisses for my forehead and I snuggle into his chest. He lays me down once we're in the room, then he slides in beside me. "Did you have a good night with Aubrey?"
"Mm, very much," I answer half asleep.
He chuckles against my cheek as he goes to give me another small kiss. "Do you think this time you could pretend to stay asleep?"
I peek out of the corner of my eye. "What?"
His hand reaches down and dips into the front of my shorts. "Pretend to sleep. Remember?" It takes me a minute to remember, and when I do, I instantly dampen. He dips his fingers lower and moans against my ear. "I think someone doe
s remember."
"Shh, I'm sleeping," I tell him with a smile. I close my eyes and feel as Avery dips inside of me and starts fucking me with his fingers. Trying to stay peaceful and quiet is hard but it makes for the sensation to increase. When Avery uses his thumb against my bud, I lose all control, including my faux sleep. My orgasm erupts and Avery presses his lips to mine to mute out the sound of my screaming.
When he pulls away and his hand stops the pleasuring torture, I slap at his arm. "Why did you kiss me while I was getting off?" I can feel my face blush immediately after, and I'm not even sure why.
He just laughs and pulls me close to him. "Because you were supposed to be sleeping, not screaming."
"You're so weird," I tell him. But of course, his weirdness is one of the many things I love him.
"So you get to go home today!"
Pierce looks towards me with no emotion at all. "Yay," he says dryly.
"What, would you rather stay here forever?" I plop down onto the mini sized couch next to his bed.
"I'd rather stop hurting. I want to feel better, I want to work, I want to help you with the nursery and picking things out, I want to do anything but what I'm doing. Which, by the way, is nothing."
I was told more than once his attitude with be this way because of the alteration in life. Of course he is depressed, who wouldn't be. He lived though, which is the most important thing. His arm is the only thing giving him trouble and even so, he still has feeling in it. They're giving him a three month time frame to be back to normal. Perfect timing for our little one.
"I'm not hanging out with a sourpuss today," I tell him, trying to lighten the mood. I even give him a big smile and bat my lashes for effect.
One side of his mouth lifts a little but you can still tell he is very sad. "When is your next appointment?"
He hasn't asked me much about appointments or the baby in general, but I know it has a lot to do with his being medicated and such. Either way, it still surprises me to hear him ask. It makes me happy as well. "Tuesday actually, at ten. You, um, want to go?"
"Nah, its fine, I don't want to interrupt the pattern you and Avery have going on."
"The pattern? What?"
He sighs and shakes his head. "I don't know. So what is the baby’s name?"
"I haven't picked one out yet."
"Really? I thought girls had their weddings planned and baby names picked out by the time they're eight?"
I can't help but laugh. "Well, if that is the case, I would have married to Vin Diesel and our son's name would probably be Brad."
"Brad?"
"Brad Pitt, duh. My two celebrity crushes around that age."
That causes Pierce to laugh. "Well, you could still name him Brad. That isn't too bad."
"No, it's not too bad, but I want a name that has meaning for the both of us."
He takes a minute to think about the conversation. "Us?"
"You are his father." I look down as I rub my belly with both hands. "I'd love if you helped name him." I look back up to him as he swallows hard. He looks away for a second and when he glances back in my direction, his eyes start to water.
"I really thought you and Avery would have done all the decision making together."
I get up from the couch and join Pierce on his bed, grabbing his hand and holding onto it tight. "Pierce, we may not be together, and I don't think we ever will be again, but you're this child's father. You. Avery wants to be his dad too, and I'm grateful for that, but you are biologically his father. I want you to be involved, that is, if you want to be. I'd love nothing more than to see you be the father I know you can be."
His eyes just take mine in for a few moments while he actually smiles softly at me. A few moments of this, he whispers, "thank you, Cassie."
"I should thank you for not making this difficult on me or our child."
He looks down and uses his free hand to place it on my belly. "Our child. I like the sound of that. I think this is the first time its really sunk in that we're having an actual baby together."
I can't help but giggle some. "Oppose to?"
"You know what I mean."
"I do," I say with a smile. Its good seeing him loosen up some finally.
He lays back and looks over at the clock. We have twenty minutes left until his nurse comes in to start the discharge process. I only came to see how he was doing and to pass some time for the both of us. Evan is coming to get him and is bringing him back to his place.
"Names," he mumbles. "Damn, I don't know, Cass."
"See, not so easy."
As he think as a little to himself, I take in his features. These last nine weeks have done a real number on him. His face is paled, his cheeks are sunken, he has more hair on his face than I've ever seen. The memories of Avery being hospitalized take part in my mind, and then the pain I put Pierce through at that place in time. I was horrible and selfish.
"I'm sorry I ever hurt you, Pierce." It just sort of slips out as I think about how its gone since I've met him.
He looks at me like I've grown an extra head. "For?" he drags the word out.
"For everything. I've really hurt you a lot in the past."
He actually smiles bigger and rubs his hand through his hair, pulling up at the ends of it, where its grown out quite a bit. "Honestly Cassie, I don't think I regret I one thing since I've met you. Yeah, at times shit got a little... interesting," he puts mildly, "but then we wouldn't have a little Danielson on his way."
"And I wouldn't have you as a friend."
"Friend you say?"
"I hope so," I admit. "I want to be friends with you forever, Pierce."
He laughs lightly. "Yeah, well, we do need to set a good example."
We sit and talk a little more, and I find myself smiling quite a bit. I watch as Pierce smiles and laughs as well, and the weight from the stress and worrisome over the last several weeks finally lifts from my shoulders. The nurse comes in and does the last of what needs to be done for Pierce to be able to finally go home. She claims the doctor is going to be here in a few moments, so I prepare myself to leave as well.
As I'm getting ready to leave, I give Pierce a large hug. "Will you go with me Tuesday?"
He grins at me and nods his head. "If you can pick me up at Evan's."
"Of course, I'll see you then."
Cassie's appointment was different than I expected. I was hoping to get to see another ultrasound, but I didn't. I did get to hear the heartbeat, which was really neat, and I felt the baby move for the first time. That was one of the most exciting things I've ever experienced. I had felt Alyssa's before, but it wasn't my child kicking my hand at the sound of my voice. It was almost magical.
When we leave, we both start spitting out random names. Ted, Frankfurt, Arnold. All names we really don't want, but we got a kick out of the situation. Finally I ask a question I've been wanting to know since the last day in the hospital when she came and visited me. "So will the baby have my last name?"
She glances over at me from the driver seat. "Yeah, of course. You want that, right?"
"Yeah, I was just making sure. I don't know how this all works."
She laughs softly back at me. "Tell me about it. I'd do anything to have an owner’s manual of some sort."
"My grandfather's name was Jason."
"Okay?" She questions before pulling into Evan's drive way.
"I'd like you to think about that as the baby's name."
She parks her car and looks over at me with a giant smile. "Jason. Yeah, I like that. What about a middle name?"
I feel kind of corny saying this, and honestly, I'm not sure if he is deserving of it or not, but out of respect, I say it anyways. "Well, I honestly thought that you and Avery could decide on the middle name together."
"Pierce," she pauses. No words come out but I can see her struggling with something to say. That is how I know I'm doing the right thing, because right now, I can see the gratefulness in her expression and the love warming
up inside of her. Finally, she speaks again and softly whispers out, "thank you Pierce."
I reach over and run my hand down her arm. "Just tell me what the name is." I climb out of the car and watch as she backs away before going into Evan's place.
I can't wait until I'm back at my own place. They told me for at least two weeks I should stay with someone, and Evan's place was the most convenient. It's only been a few days, but so far every night but one I've stayed the night at Miah's. She has been great at taking care of me. She stuck by my side the whole time I was in the hospital, and that meant a great deal to me. She isn't giving up on me, in fact, each day we talk I feel myself starting to have more feelings for her.
I'm pretty sure she already knew the whole situation with Cassie, and I being the biological father, but she let me explain it all the other night anyways. She says she is happy for me, and that she'll support me in the process. It surprised me actually, a lot, but I couldn't be more grateful. It's as if everything I've been through over the years makes sense. All the heart ache I've endured makes sense because even though I've been in love, its obvious I was never meant to be with anyone before now. I still don't feel as though I love Miah, but I do feel myself falling, and it feels as though she is in the same situation as me.
Evan brings home some pizza after work and updates me on the business. He seems to be running everything pretty well on his own, but I honestly can't wait to start back up at work. It's boring as fuck being home all damn day by myself. I've been able to do a few things from the couch, but its not the same. I want to be able to hit up the gym some more too, get some muscle back and tone my body. I don't think I've ever been this out of shape before.
Once we're done with everything, he leaves to go to Kal's place, and instead of going to Miah's, I just have her come over. We lay in front of the fire place on the floor and watch some TV shows while cuddled up to one another. She looks over at me after a few minutes and just smiles. "You know, when I first met you, I thought you were egotistical and arrogant. I also thought you were sexy as fuck, which of course explains all the flirting, but honestly, I never thought I'd be here with you. Cuddled in front of a fire place, watching pointless TV shows, and we're both fully dressed."