Forgive Me

by Ashley Beale

  I turn back around without another word and take the few steps forward. I'm able to place the stuff on the belt, finally. I pause when I hear the words leave Emerson's mouth. "Oh, you should see her son. Ain't he a cutie!"

  I don't want them to see any truth on my face, nor any lies. I don't want to give it away. I don't want him to question anything. I don't turn around, I can't force myself to do that.

  "Nice," I hear him say after a long pause.

  Okay, this is really awkward, but it's my turn at the register. I purchase the drinks with no more interruptions, wave out my good-bye to Zander and Emerson, then I make my way to the parking lot. My heart is pounding out of my chest, my palms are sweaty, my head is flooding with a million thoughts, I'm about to cry and I'm not even sure why. Too many emotions flood through me, then when I sit down in the driver seat, a few tears actually break through.

  I screech out loud when someone touches my shoulder. I look over and Zander is standing there, looking at me with as many emotions as I feel.

  "Why did you leave?" His voice is soft and weak, making my heart break all over again.

  I play dumb. "I'm having dinner at my, um, parents’ house tonight. I need to get back."

  He shakes his head and leans his body towards mine, resting his forearm above the door frame. "All those years ago, Lex. I never saw you again, never heard from you again. You just didn't show up to school and you were gone. I asked everyone in your family, Bray... everyone. All I ever got was you were helping your grandmother. You never called, wrote a letter, nothing. Why?"

  He was hurt. I knew he'd have been hurt, I just wasn't expecting him to still hurt after all these years. I thought he'd get over me, get over us. He is with Emerson now, about to get married. I don't get why he needs to know now.

  But I owe him an explanation. Heck, I owe him a lot.

  "Nan was sick," my lie starts. "I helped her out until she got better. By then I had built a life. I was happier there. You know how much I hated my family. We connected, we got along. I had a kid, she helped me out. We still live together and life is good." I shrug my shoulders, playing it off. Half that was a lie, the other half a truth. Even the truth felt like a lie though, because I'm not telling him the real reason, the number one reason I packed my things and never came back.

  The reason that'll make him hate me forever.

  Maybe even Justin.

  I can't allow that.

  "I wish you would have called at least."

  "It hurt too much."

  "Dammit Lexi, it hurt a lot more having you disappear. I got nothing from you! Nothing!" He stands back and shakes his head, gripping at the cowboy hat I hadn't even realized he was wearing. He takes it off, wiping sweat from his forehead before placing it back on top his head. God he has gotten sexy as sin.

  "I'm sorry Zander, I'm honestly so sorry." Another tear drops from my eye, which I quickly wipe at.

  "Yeah, me too."

  He walks away.

  My heart breaks, once again. I forgot what it was like to have these emotions deep inside. I shut them off so long ago, I almost forgot they ever existed.

  I make it back to the house, where everything is ready. I get Justin back inside with Rease. Gunner gets dad and Torin to join us, although I'm not sure why. The second they both walk in its known they do not want to be here.

  As we're cleaning up, Faith asks my dad, "so you still coming over tomorrow for our barbeque?"

  I watch as he stares at me. He closes his eyes and nods his head, then he walks out the room.

  Faith looks over at me. She looks sad for me, which she doesn't need to be. It's obvious my family has treated her like part of the family, something I never got growing up. I'm used to it though, as much as it hurts, and I wasn't expecting a warm welcome home. I don't need one. I just want Justin to be accepted, which most of them do, three of them don't. It's more than I expected, really.

  I smile reassuringly at Faith as I get back to cleaning things up. Once everything’s cleaned, I make it out back where Justin and Rease are kicking around a soccer ball again. I sit on the old wooden bench that sits under a tree, one that I used to lay on for hours reading when I was younger. It creaks now, and I'm surprised it can manage holding my tiny frame still.

  Gunner walks out and spots me, then he makes his way over. He takes the ground next to me, watching Justin and Rease play. They're laughing and getting along well, it makes me happy.

  He hits my knee with his elbow, grabbing my attention again. "Don't mind dad."

  I shrug it off. "It's fine, trust me, I'm used to it."

  "He wasn't expecting you to show up with a kid, Lex. You sort of caught us all off guard by that display. I'm sure it's the idea his child has a child, and he didn't even know, for uh, nine years. Clay explained mom knew, which upsets us all that she hid it from us. We're not mad with you, just confused why after all this time you didn't tell any of us. Either way, we're happy to finally see you again and meet our nephew. Give dad time and he'll warm up to it. Okay?"

  "All of you but Torin," I lift my eyebrows, daring him to argue. "And it's fine. Dad can accept this or not, I don't care, but he shouldn't be just upset with me. I thought you all knew by the way. I was a little heartbroken after all the e-mails no one asked about him."

  "First off, Torin is dad's little puppet. She follows him around like a puppy dog and all her emotions are stemmed off from him. Don't mind her either. She's the spoiled, bratty sister. Rease is the athletic, outgoing one. You're the hard working, independent, motherly one." He smiles before turning his attention to the private soccer game. I'm shocked when he says Torin is dad's puppet, she used to be moms. I thought she still was.

  He continues after a moment of silence, not looking at me. "I'm sorry you thought we knew. This is a mess, and it's sad we have never did know. I can assure you, that boy would have been spoiled rotten."

  "When are you having kids? I'm surprised you haven't knocked up a ton of girls. I remember what it was like when you were in high school."

  He laughs, not looking at me. "Yeah, yeah. We're actually trying right now. Magnolia had some fertility issues, giving us a pause in the baby making deal. I haven't been ready until the past year or so anyways. It'll happen eventually."

  "What about Clay and Faith? They seem like they're ready."

  "They weren't until I mentioned they were both thirty and needed to hurry it up. I think they were both more focused on their careers. I'm sure it'll be some time soon."

  "At this rate I'll be a grandmother before y'all are parents."

  He chuckles again, shaking his head. "Let's hope not. Tell that kid of yours to keep it in his pants. Don't let him be like his uncles."

  "Oh, trust me, I won't."

  He turns and faces me again, taking on a seriousness all of a sudden. "Clay told me who the father is."

  Damn him!

  I bite down on my lip and give him a silent answer.

  "Be careful."

  I swallow my terror rising. "I can't do any more damage than has been done."

  "Then why did you wait so long Lex? It's not that you assumed he knew too. When you up and left, believe it or not, we were all devastated, but Bray and Zander both... you nearly killed them. They went crazy searching for you. Zander even spread rumors that mom and dad killed you and you were lying dead in the basement. He got the cops over here to search too. I think he wanted to believe it because it killed him to know you just disappeared without a word. Now he is happy and getting married- and you're telling him he has a nine year old."

  "I didn't think I could feel any worse, but thank you for that." I stand up, willing myself not to cry. I holler for Justin to wrap it up.

  Gunner reaches for my hand, pulling on it when I try to walk away. I pause with a deep sigh then look down at him. He looks guilty and maybe even a little nauseous. "Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I just watched what he went through and for how long. And I just don't understand how you could wait so long to
tell him. And Justin must've wanted to meet his dad, right?"

  My voice is a little hoarse when I speak, for the sake I'm trying to swallow all my emotions, but I manage to get out what needs to be said. "When I first left, I was scared because of mom threatening me not to tell anyone. She said that Zander would despise me and I'd live to regret it. By the time I was wise enough to know that was a lie, Justin was already five and I couldn't just pop in and say 'hey, you got a five year old.' Each year that passed it got harder, until I talked to Justin about it, and he said he was okay not ever meeting his dad. We ended that discussion and I pushed away the guilt I felt. Then when he found out where we were headed, he finally admitted he wanted to meet his father, and begged. I can't say no to him, I just can't. I know it'll hurt Zander, but I'd rather him be crushed then Justin."

  He nods his head while I talk, slowly taking in everything I tell him.

  "You should move back here."

  "Gunner, I can't just up and leave the life we both have. Nan and I are all he knows, he has a great school, great friends, and I have a perfect job. I just... I just can't." A small tear falls from my eye.

  "But he needs family."

  "He has family."

  "You know what I mean," he says exasperated.

  "Yes and no. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to come back, and for y'all to meet him, and vice versa. It's just, I didn't feel welcomed when I lived here and even though we email and such, I never felt like I was part of this family. I didn't want Justin feeling that rejection, and he has gotten it from mom and dad already. I hate them. I love you all, but I hate them. Plus, Zander is getting married, this will just complicate the life he is making with Emerson. After we head back, I can send Justin down on vacations and such to visit you all and his dad, if Zander wants that."

  He snorts then shakes his head with raised brows. "What are you going to do tomorrow?"

  "What do you mean?"

  He smirks as his eyes light up in amusement. There is obviously something I don't know.

  "Faith and Clay's annual barbeque. They're both outdoorsy people and Faith finds a way to celebrate any and everything."

  "Okay," I drag the word out. I'm confused. "I'll be there, since I'm living there currently."

  He laughs. "I guess you haven't been filled in."

  "With?"

  "Zander is engaged to Faith's best friend. They'll be there tomorrow. And I don't think you should hide. He needs to know the truth."

  He stands up as I process his words. Once again I want to cry tonight. I never cry, never! I'm emotionless and strong, tears are not a friend of mine and haven't been in years. I knew I shouldn't have come back. And this will just ruin his wedding, or at least put a huge damper on their engagement. I don't know what to do. I need Nan's advice.

  I stand too, and yell to Justin that I'm leaving now or never. I want to get out of here sooner rather than later. I need to think things through.

  "Don't stress yourself sis. I'm sure he'll understand why you didn't tell him. You both were young. But it's not fair to anyone you keeping this any longer than you have. Set him aside tomorrow and tell him, it's for the best."

  "Yeah, thanks." My voice is emotionless as I give my best attempt to close off my brain and heart.

  He slings his arm over my shoulder. "It really doesn't have to be tomorrow you tell him, but don't hide from him. Maybe he'll figure things out himself. He is a smart man. Damn, wish I would've known all these years he was my nephew's daddy though. You know, we used to work together at the Jones' Plantation."

  "No, I had no idea." I look up at my brother. "What does he do now? I know nothing about him anymore."

  "He still works there. When 'Ol Man Jones passes away, I'm pretty positive it'll be Zander that'll take it over."

  "Wow, that is cool." Explains the dirt, sweat, and cowboy hat earlier.

  "See ya tomorrow." Gunner kisses the top of my head and as Justin makes his way over, he pats his shoulder. "See you tomorrow squirt."

  Rease runs over with Justin. Two of them are sweaty and a bit breathless from the running around. "Can Justin stay at my apartment tonight? I'd really love to hang out with him more. I'll bring him with me to the barbeque tomorrow."

  "Please mom?" Justin asks as I ponder the question a little.

  I have to. They don't know each other well and I need to trust my little sister. She isn't so little anymore. "I guess so. Where do you live? And who do you live with?"

  She sighs. "You really are a mother, jesh! I live over at Buckwood apartments, right by the college. Apartment ten, if you need to know. And it's just my roommate, Sophia, and I. It's secured and all that, and it's not a party place. No worries. I got him."

  "Alright, alright. Just put your number in my cell so I have it. And text yourself with my phone so you got my number." I get my cell out and hand it to her.

  I face Justin. "You behave. Listen to your aunt. Go to bed at a decent time and no junk food after seven. I'll see you tomorrow. Love you." I pull him in and hug him tight, then I give him a kiss on the forehead.

  I have to remember he is practically a pre-teen now, he is getting older and more responsible. I'm not used to him being gone from me, not even overnight. The longest he is gone is while I'm at work and he is at school or sports. If he isn't at one, he is usually stuck home with Nan or at one of his friends, but very rarely overnight. I'm a protective mother but I need to learn to give him a little room. I'm just nervous I'll be a grandmother before I'm thirty. I don't think I could handle that.

  "Love you, too mama," Justin says when I let him go.

  Rease passes back my cell phone. "You sure you're only five years older than me? You're acting forty. Ease up a bit, will ya? We're staying up late, watching scary movies, playing video games, and vegging out on college based foods, which consist of ramen noodles and chocolate." She smiles at me with a wink.

  I shove her arm. "Karma is a bitch."

  "Mom!" Justin scolds. Oops. I try not to swear often.

  "Sorry sweetie." I nudge them both, getting them on their way. I don't want her driving in the dark if she doesn't have to, especially if she has a half hour drive ahead of her.

  I hear them leave the driveway as I make my way back into the house. Faith looks at me with a wicked gleam in her eye. "No Justin tonight?"

  "Uh, no?" Oh boy, what has she got planned?

  "Nice. Magnolia, you, and I are having a ladies night then!"

  "Um, okay. What are we doing?" I'm a little nervous, I'll admit it.

  She snickers. "You'll see!"

  Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,

  While loving someone deeply gives you courage.

  -Lao Tzu

  We end up at a honkey tonk just outside of town a little after ten. It's an outdoors one with a live band. Gunner and Clay ended up joining us, but said they'd leave us alone so we could have a real ladies night. I guess it's the first one of the season and "everyone that is anyone" is here tonight. Which makes me nervous.

  I push back my nerves and attempt to enjoy myself.

  It's a little breezy out, so I'm thankful for what Faith dressed me in. Tight blue jeans, a pair of faded pink cowgirl boots, a white tee, and a cropped denim jacket. I haven't dressed like this since, well, since I lived in Texas ten years ago. It took me a moment to get used to how I was dressed, but when I saw they both were dressed similarly, I became more comfortable. Looking around, seeing that I match most of the girls here, I'm even more thankful.

  Magnolia grabs us all a few beers while Faith and I grab a table. There aren't many vacant, which puts us away from the music. "I'm getting you out there to dance in a bit. I have a feeling you don't get out much."

  I look at Faith and laugh. "I don't get out, ever. Never celebrated turning twenty one, never been to a bar. Hell, I haven't even dated. It's work or home or doing something for Justin."

  She shakes her head at me. "I give you credit, you've done a helluva job with that boy and you'r
e one helluva mother. But damn girl, you need to focus on yourself a bit. You'll be grey haired and lonely when that boy is in college."

  Magnolia places our drinks on the table and takes a seat. I take a sip before replying, trying not to grimace at the taste. "He won't be in college if I don't work hard to get him there."

  "Yeah, yeah. Well, for the next month you're acting your age and living a little. I'll make damn sure of it." She grins before sipping some of her own drink.

  Magnolia laughs softly. "Be warned, this girl looks innocent but don't let her fool ya. She'll make good on her promise and corrupt you."

  "Oh God." I roll my eyes, taking another sip.

  Faith nudges me. "Stop babying that thing, drink up. I want to get you out there." She points her bottle to the lit up dance area.

  "Oh, yes!" Magnolia takes a long drag of her drink. They're both expert beer drinkers and I can hardly take a small sip without wanting to throw up. The one I had last night was a little better than this bitter stuff.

  "Looky here, my two favorite girls and their baby sis-in-law, how perfect." I look over as Emerson takes the open seat across from me.

  "Hi Em," Faith says. Magnolia greets her and turns to watch the band. I say hello and try to empty the rest of my bottle. Bitter or not, I need to feel buzzed, because if she is here, that means someone else probably is too. Actually, since I only have a glass of wine every few months, a beer or two will probably get me drunk, not buzzed.

  "Just saw the boys, left my future hubby there when they pointed out to where you ladies were." She looks at me as she says it. I'm reminded of the store earlier tonight. I wonder if they had the talk where he mentions I was his lover as a teenager. Maybe I'm being cocky and he never mentioned it all, maybe he doesn't even care about it like I did. He obviously learned how to love again. I have to remember that not everyone self-loathes in pity as I do.