Forgive Me

by Ashley Beale

  And now I’m going senseless!

  Once Zander got back to the truck, I was met with evil glares and barked orders. We got Justin into the truck, the blankets and pillows put away, and headed back to Arlington. We both remained completely silent the entire ride back to Clay’s. Thankfully Justin remained asleep, so he didn’t have to put in the middle of the tension war.

  The second he put the truck into park, I looked over at Zander wanting to hold him close. “I’m sorry, Zander. I just keep messing up!”

  He doesn’t look at me when he speaks. His voice sounding distant and hurt. “Then stop.” Like its that simple! Maybe it is that simple. I don’t know! I don’t have the clarity I need.

  “I have some decisions to make,” I tell him honestly.

  “Me too.”

  I know I don’t have a right to ask, and I’ll probably sound egotistical, but I can’t help myself. “About you and Emerson?”

  This catches his attention. His head whips around to face me and his eyes dart back and forth between mine. “I said everything between you and I was a mistake.”

  Talk about a punch in the gut.

  “Zander, I-“

  “I was confused, okay?” he interrupts. “I was confused. But I’m fine. You clarified everything. I love Emerson and I’m going to marry her next weekend. Then I’m going to fight to have my son in my life… finally.”

  I guess I deserve that. All of that. Even as my heart shrivels into obliteration.

  “I was trying to make things right. But I see I’ll always be the bad guy.” I open the door and jump out of the truck, opening the back door. Justin doesn’t take too long to wake up, and just as I’m about to shut his back door, I chance a glance in Zander’s direction.

  His grip on the steering wheel is so tight I can see his knuckles turning white. His eyes are closed, and he is trying like hell to breathe correctly. I feel even worse. I really am a horrible person. It doesn’t matter if everyone says they forgive me or not, I’ll never forgive myself.

  “Bye,” I whisper before closing the door.

  Zander’s truck peels out before Justin and I even make it back to the door. Thankfully he is too exhausted to notice any tension or the squealing of tires, and goes straight into his room with no questions asked.

  Faith is up and sitting in the living room, so I take a seat in the recliner and start to watch whatever sappy Hallmark made for TV movie that is on. She looks over at me and smiles, but it quickly fades. Apparently my sour mood is channeling off from me.

  “I figured with y’all gone all day you’d come home like a love sick child.”

  I roll my eyes. “You’d think.” With a sigh, I resituate myself in the chair and face towards Faith, who now has the television on pause. “It started out completely amazing. Those two have such a strong connection and already love each other so much. Then Justin fell asleep and I got talking with Zander, and I mentioned going back home, and now he is all pissed at me. Basically said if I left, he’d do everything to make Justin stay. I honestly am so clueless at what to do.”

  She bites down on her lip, thinking for a moment before shrugging her shoulders. “I wish I could be more helpful. I understand your reasoning for wanting to leave, but I think you need to weigh your pros and cons. Don’t you think your son’s happiness is more important than a great job and good school? You know, the things you can replace.

  She doesn’t say it with attitude, just with general concern and honesty. I respect her for that. For not judging me, but instead giving me a clearer mindset about the situation. “In other words, I should have Justin decide?”

  “Maybe not necessarily decide, but at least get his input.”

  I nod my head for a second and tell her my original plan. “I was going to head back and allow Justin back here to stay with his father during vacations and the bigger holidays. Even come down with him on his birthday so we can all celebrate together.”

  “It could work. But would it be worth it?” I watch her chew on her lip, maybe a little nervous about being so forward with me. Its not like we really know each other, but I feel like she is my sister already. I like Faith, I like her a lot. I’m glad I got to finally meet her.

  “I don’t know,” I finally say. “I went through hell, Faith. I hated this place when I lived here, and I hated my life when I left. I got stronger because I was weak, and I made a life for not only for myself but for Justin. And even though Nan wasn’t the biggest help, she was the only help I had, and she has become a mother to me. I love and respect her more than both my parent’s combined. I have friends, Justin has friends, he has a guaranteed spot on all the sports teams. My job is one I worked my butt off for, and I’m great at it. I get excellent pay and benefits. To just leave all that- it kind of baffles me.”

  She sit and blinks in my direction for a moment before she finally says, “So leave. But know that you have all of us here that love not just you, but Justin too. But Lexi, also remember, you don’t have to make this decision now, and you certainly don’t need to be influenced in making your decision. It is yours, and Justin’s, and no one else’s. We’ll have our input, but we can’t make the choice. Both choices, they’re going to be hard to make.”

  “Thank you,” I tell her. Everything she says is correct. It helped clear my throught process as well, but even so, I’m still at a loss.

  She mumbles out a, “don’t worry about it,” and un-pauses the television. We both sit together and watch the movie in silence. A few moments later, Faith gets up and when she comes back out, she hands me a wine cooler with a wink before taking her seat again. I have to giggle that she bought this just for me. And honestly, the idea she thought of me when it came to making a decision- as simple as it was- makes my heart grow just a little more in size.

  Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.

  -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

  The message reads, I want to see you today. I wish I got tingles, or that my heart would flutter, or something, but I just stare blankly at the message. I have only two reasons for wanting to see him; one, I want to disperse this sexual appetite that has invaded my body, and two, I want to feel cherished by someone. The side of effects of Zander Fields have done some pretty traitorous damage to me.

  I send out a quick message back. I’m not sure if that is a good idea.

  I continue lying in bed, home alone as Clay, Faith, and Justin are all at work. I’ve already caught up on everything I’ve been sent by my boss, and its too hot to really do much of anything else, even with the air conditioner going.

  When my phone pings again, I look down and can’t help but laugh at Tanner’s reply. Stop trying to play Cinderella. You may be a princess, but its not cute. I’ll be there in twenty.

  I bite down on the side of my nail and think if I should tell him not to bother, but then my sex seems to jump to life and I realize, I just need to get laid. And who better than someone who knows what they’re doing? Plus, who knows when the next time I’ll have a chance to have sex again is.

  Without saying anything, I climb out of bed and run into the bathroom. I showered, but I’ve been sweating, so I grab a wash cloth, running it under warm water. I lather some soap on it before pulling down my shorts and panties. I wash between my legs quickly, then I hurry up and dry it. Hey, you never know. I’d rather smell and taste delicious down there. After placing my shorts back in place, I throw the cloth in the hamper.

  Once I get my teeth brushed, my hair adjusted, some deodorant added, and I do about five double checks in the mirror, I walk out of the bathroom. Perfect timing too, because I hear the rumble of his truck pulling into the driveway.

  Immediately my throat feels like its closing and every voice in my head is telling me I’m making a huge mistake. Taking several deep breaths, I shake it off. Tanner meets me at the front door and I laugh. “You coming in or we leaving?”

  He grins. “I hate to play this card, but I only got an hour for lunch. I was kind of hoping
to come in.”

  I shot a glare at him. “You think I’m some kind of booty call or something?”

  “You could never be just a booty call. Trust me.”

  He leans in and presses his lips to mine. I don’t feel the warmth there I did last time, but that could be because I’m not drunk this time. Or because I’ve been too busy thinking about Zander. Those thoughts all get pushed aside though, and I focus on the task at hand. Tanner. Me and Tanner. Sex with Tanner. Hopefully this time its pure pleasure without the pain.

  He slides out of his boots and ushers me out of the mud room. “I snuck in a quick shower before I came over, but my boots probably still stink,” he says with a small laugh.

  Grabbing his hand, I lead him down the hall to where my current room is. I’ve never done something like that. Its not even my house and I’m about to have a quickie with a guy I’m not even dating, while no one is home. And whether he admits it or not, this is a booty call, and for some reason, I’m not that ashamed.

  I thought Tanner would be focused on getting me naked first, but that isn’t the case, so as he is almost done getting undressed I decide to shed what little clothes I’m wearing as well. He looks me up and down approvingly before licking his lips. “Damn girl, I’ve missed you.”

  Some tingles take place in my stomach but more out of embarrassment of being completely naked in front of Tanner, allowing him to take in my body with his eyes instead of getting to the kissing and touching and sex.

  I take a step forward and smile up at him. “Are you going to make love to me now?”

  He cocks a brow. “Make love?”

  My cheeks flame. Damn you romance novels! “Um… are you going to…”

  “Have hot, passionate sex with you?” He grabs my hips and pulls me forward, lowering his face to mine. “Fuck yeah.” His lips crash down on mine and my core starts to flood with need. Good, I need this. I need to release the built up tension finally. I wish it were with…. Never mind. I can’t think about him while I’m doing this with Tanner.

  Tanner backs me up until the back of my legs hit the futon and I fall back onto it. He joins me, climbing between my legs, and kissing me passionately. I have to admit, the way he kisses me sure brings me joy.

  His hand reaches down and starts to rub between my legs, moistening me all over before he sticks a couple fingers in. Everything about the situation kicks up a notch and all of a sudden I just want more. No, I need more. I need it right now.

  My mouth leaves Tanner and I bring my lips close to his ear. “I need you,” I whisper out.

  He backs away from me and reaches down into his jeans, pulling out a foiled wrapper. Once its put into place on his erection, he climbs back between my legs and uses his hand to guide his penis to my entrance. I close my eyes and bite down on my lip, awaiting that stinging pain to start. Except, it doesn’t sting, it actually feels… good. Powerful. Fulfilling.

  “Open your eyes,” Tanner tells me.

  I listen to him, and watch him watching me. His eyes look down to where he is entering me and I can’t help but look down too. There is something extremely hot about watching it. Half way in, he pulls out slightly and with a little speed pushes into me until I swear he is at my cervix. I scream out in pain, but I admit, this time it feels amazing.

  After a second, I look back down and watch him do it a few more times. Each time feeling better than the last. I can feel where I may be sore afterwards but its covered up by the gratifying desire deep within.

  Tanner’s body covers mine as his face comes down and stays inches above mine. He works his way in and out of me and with each thrust, I find myself feeling more incredible. Before I know it, the small tingles start at my core and I know I’m about to get off. Tanner kisses my mouth hard before he looks at me again. “Come for me, Lexi. I want to watch you.”

  I’m not sure what it is about his words, but they give me a power unlike any other, and my body rocks into the most blissful euphoric state imaginable. My breasts push into his chest as my back arches, and I can’t help but dig my fingers into his beautiful head of hair. With a few soft grunts and a low growl in Tanner’s throat, his body stiffens and I know I’m being joined in my state of mind.

  When his body relaxes on top of mine, his head falls in the crook of my neck. “Shit, Lex, that was amazing. Just what I needed.”

  I stare at the ceiling as I realize that even as amazing at that just was with Tanner, I almost feel disgusting now. I just don’t feel for him, but what I do feel like is such a slut. A near panic arises in my chest and I want to shove at Tanner to leave, but that doesn’t feel right. So instead I allow him to lay on top of me, both of us sweating, coming up off from the high we just went through together.

  When Tanner’s body finally lifts from mine, it feels as though its been an hour, but according to the clock was only three minutes. I close my eyes and lay here and Tanner quickly gets dressed back into his work attire. “You okay?” he asks after a few moments.

  “Yeah, no, I’m uh, I’m fine,” I tell him. I look in his direction and give him a smile, one that I hope says, don’t worry about me. I’m just exhausted from that great sex.

  I think it works too, because he grins at me as he buckles his belt. “I’ll see you later then?” he asks.

  “Of course,” I tell him. Its not a lie. I will see him, probably many times. Just not in this state. Not ever again. I’m just glad I realized my mistake this early on.

  He leans down and kisses my lips softly. It’s a friendly kiss and I admit, I do enjoy his soft lips against mine. “I’ll call you later.”

  “I’ll see you around, Tanner.” I almost slip up and say thanks for coming over, but I remember I practically thanked him last time we had sex, so I’ll it be.

  He leaves the room, leaving me here in my naked glory. The second the front door shuts, I turn to my stomach and let out some seriously ugly tears. Sometimes, I truly hate my life. No, no, that is not right, I don’t hate my life because I love too many people in my life. No, what I hate is me. Yeah, that is right. I hate myself.

  Zander shows up early to pick Justin up on Wednesday. Thankfully so, because Justin is still in the shower and has to pack his bag. Gunner and him worked late on the farm today because apparently one of the cows had some offspring, and Justin got to help deliver them.

  He came home gushing about, telling me in gory details about everything that happened. He said he never experienced something so miraculous, and it made me proud. Even if I was almost throwing up in my mouth at the details.

  So while he is showering, I knock on the door and tell him to hurry his bum up. Then I sneak outside to where Zander is parked in his truck. I don’t think he notices me until I’m opening the door, because the look he gives me is one I hope I never receive again. I don’t feel very welcomed right now. But welcomed or not, I just want to get a few words in with Zander, alone, before he takes Justin for the night.

  Before any words come out of my mouth, Zander quickly speaks. “I am his father, I am an adult, I’m responsible, and he is at an age he can tell me things. I don’t need momma bear here to bark orders at me about this and that, and being a father.”

  “Shit, Zander,” I nearly yell. “I’m not here to fight, or judge, or to bark orders.” I roll my eyes and slide a little closer to him, lowering my voice to a normal level. “I wanted to say thank you for taking him tonight. I also wanted to make sure that this isn’t putting a huge damper between you and Emerson, especially so close to your wedding.”

  “Shes pretty pissed, I ain’t gonna lie, but its because it is so close to the wedding and my attention isn’t focused solely on that. And while we’re talking about the wedding… I wanted to tell you that I’d like Justin to be one of my groomsmen.” He looks down at his hands instead of at me, like I’m going to scold him for asking such a question.

  It doesn’t even upset me. Well, the fact he wants Justin in his wedding doesn’t upset me. The fact he is having a wedding, and
I’m not the bride, that is what is upsetting. But again, its my own fault, so I don’t say as much.

  “If that is what you want, I’m sure that’ll make Justin proud.”

  He peeks up at me with a smile. “You’re really okay with it?”

  “I don’t have a choice really.”

  “You always have a choice, Lexi.”

  “So don’t you, Zander.”

  He cocks his head. “What is that supposed to be mean?”

  “Oh, um, nothing,” I tell him. I don’t want to say a choice between your fiancé and I, even though that is what I was thinking when the words came out. Darn, I wish my thought process had a restart button. I could really use a system update right about now. I need to get over the fact that Zander is not mine, has not been mine, and never will be mine.

  My answer doesn’t seem to satisfy Zander but he doesn’t really say anything, he just stares at me, looking lost in thought. Probably mimicking me.

  After a few seconds, he smiles and reaches for my hand. “I know this is completely out of line, and if you say no, I understand, but um. Would you go shopping with Justin and I tomorrow to get him suited for a tux? I wouldn’t ask but Emerson has other things she has to deal with, and I’ve never worn a tux so I don’t even know where to start. I basically had Em do everything when it came to my fitting.”

  “You’ve never worn a tux? What about prom?”

  He sighs. “Oh Lexi, high school… I didn’t… I didn’t go.” He ends it at that and asks, “Where is Justin anyways?”

  “Oh, he worked late. He had just gotten into the shower when I came out. He should only be a few more minutes.”