Forgive Me

by Ashley Beale

  He shrugs his shoulder. “I don’t know. He didn’t ask me.”

  I feel bad for Justin. He wants this so bad, and I’m not sure Zander sees just how much. If he is part of the wedding though, he should be going. “I’ll talk to your dad about it when we get back to Clay’s, okay? I’m sure you’re invited, he just may have forgotten to mention that part.”

  “He didn’t mention it at all, Emerson did last night.”

  My stomach is in my throat just wondering what else Emerson said to him. “What else did she say?” I ask him.

  “That before I know it I’ll have a brother or sister, and that she is glad I can finally be part of the family.”

  I just have this gut feeling that Emerson wants nothing more for Justin and I to go back to Ohio, leaving her to live her happily ever after with Zander. Not that I can blame her, I’d probably think the same thing if the guy I was with suddenly had a child, but if she is going to marry Zander, she needs to accept it.

  Zander climbs into the truck and jumps me. I didn’t even see him come out of the house. When we take off, I look over at him with a weak smile and say, “nice house.”

  I can see the side of his lips twitch but he remains silent.

  When he parks outside of Clay’s, he and Justin say bye to one another and I let Justin know I’ll be in in a moment. Zander looks at me surprisingly when I don’t climb out of the truck. “What is it this time Lexi? Going to tell me I can’t live in my house too?”

  “What? Why would I tell you that?” I ask.

  “Well, you kind of told me not to get married.”

  I sigh, annoyed. “You said you wanted to marry me, and I told you it wasn’t too late. Don’t be such a… such an ass.”

  He snickers. “Those kinds of words do not sound cute coming out of your mouth.”

  “You don’t sound cute coming out of my mouth!”

  I bite down on my lip and close my eyes. What the hell kind of insult is that? Ugh!

  Zander bursts into laughter and I can feel myself smiling. Well, there goes the tension between us. I slowly crack my eyes open and look in Zander’s direction again. “Shut up,” I mutter.

  After a moment, he gets more serious again and ask, “So what did you need to speak to me about?”

  “Justin doesn’t know if he is invited to the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night,” I tell him.

  “Yeah, I’ll come grab him at two if he’ll be around. If not, I could probably swing by around four. I don’t think I could any later than that. Tomorrow will be pretty busy.”

  “I’m sure it will be. I don’t need to send him to work with Gunner tomorrow, so you can pick him up at two. I know he is really excited to be part of all this with you. Thank you for involving him.”

  He completely changes the subject after a small head nod. “I didn’t mean to snap at you back there. I just can’t cancel the wedding. I do love Emerson, I do. I just…” He rubs his face with his hands and lays the back of his head on his seat, not facing in my direction anymore.

  “You just?”

  He doesn’t answer, so after a moment I reach for the door handle. “Don’t worry about it Zander. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “I think I love you more.”

  My head snaps back in his direction, my eyes wide, and my breathing stopped. What did he just say?

  “Y-you l-love me?”

  “Always have,” he murmurs. I’m lucky I can even hear him. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it echoing in my ears. “But I’m with Emerson,” he adds on quickly in a louder tone, “and I’m sure you have someone back in Ohio.”

  This wave I keep riding with Zander is going to make me sick. I feel loved, then hated, then adored, then betrayed, then admired, then heartbroken, and its never ending.

  “I don’t. I haven’t. Its always been you, Zander. Always.”

  He eyes gloss and it surprises me a lot. I can’t believe he is that emotional over this. “Why couldn’t you have come back last year, Lexi? Hell, last month even? Not two weeks before my wedding. I can’t leave her now. I can’t.”

  Staring for only a few minutes, I nod my head and accept what is. This is my punishment. I place my hand back on the door handle and whisper out. “Like I said, its not too late.” Then I climb out of his pickup, hoping he’ll come after me.

  But he doesn’t. He leaves. And a piece of me dies inside.

  We accept the love we think we deserve.

  -The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

  Beads of sweat form at my eyebrows. With my mouth slightly parted, I pant softly along with the rhythm. My body moves up and down in a steady crusade, and even though its slightly sore between my legs, the pleasure makes it completely worth it. I wanted this. I’ve been craving this since I got into Texas.

  I close my eyes and just enjoy the ride. The wind whipping through my hair, the smell of fresh air, the sunshine beating down on my skin. When Posie starts to slow down, I open my eyes to see she has come to a fork in the path. She starts towards the left, and I let her go that way.

  Faith had today off to help Emerson with last minute wedding stuff, being her matron of honor, so when she came outside this morning and saw me petting Posie, her gorgeous American Saddlebred, she told me to talk her out for a ride. I didn’t even attempt to argue.

  I’ve been outside for over an hour now, stretching her legs while soaking in my sanctuary. All thoughts, worries, stress just melted away within my first three minutes on her back. I didn’t have to stick around this morning, because Faith was bringing Justin with her over to Zander’s, and even though I didn’t sleep last night and woke with a knots tightening in my stomach, right now, I’m carefree. And it feels so wonderful.

  Once we get to another path, I have Posie turn around, not wanting to get lost. We make our way back and again, I close my eyes, relaxing into the well-deserved horseback ride.

  “Posie girl, what’s wrong?” I open my eyes when she comes to a sudden halt. I look around and the only thing I notice is that I don’t notice anything at all. We’re lost. I pat the side of her neck and get her to stop. Turning my head in every which direction, I try to figure out if there is a path nearby she must have got turned around on. I don’t see anything.

  “Ah, crap,” I mutter. I get Posie to turn around and walk slowly in the opposite direction, knowing I can’t be all that far out. I think I may have dosed off a little bit, but I couldn’t have too much because I’m still sitting on her saddle and hanging on.

  After twenty minutes of riding, I decide to stop her again and I reach into my pocket. I call Faith but her number goes straight to voice mail. Next I try Clay but his phone keeps ringing. He is at work, so there really isn’t that much of a surprise. I just don’t know who to call. I try Gunner and Magnolia as well, but neither of them answer. I know Bray isn’t the type to know left from right, especially in the woods, and since I really would like to avoid Tanner, I call my last option. Zander.

  He picks up his phone, and I can hear his rushed tone. “What’s up? Everything okay? I’m at work.” Right, I forgot he was going in for a few hours today.

  “Forgot you were at work, I’m just… lost.” I say the last word like I’m a child about to get scolded for eating those extra cookies out of the jar.

  He doesn’t say anything for a moment, then everything in the background becomes silent. His tone evens out when he speaks again. “I can’t have this conversation right now, Lexi. I’m at work. My wedding is-“

  “No, no, Zander. Not about us. I’m actually lost… in the woods. I’m on Faith’s horse and can’t get ahold of anyone else.” This is so embarrassing.

  Especially when he starts to laugh. “How in the hell did you get lost? Jesus, Lex.”

  “Stop it. I’m getting scared. It’s been almost a half hour now.”

  I can hear his sigh before a long, painful pause. “I’ll call you when I get onto the trail. Give me twenty minutes to get there, and please don’t go anywhere. I don’t need yo
u getting even more lost or for you to lose cell phone reception.”

  “Okay, thank you,” I hurry up and say before it goes silent on the other end. I look around again and decide to embrace being out here alone. The fresh air, the freedom, the escape. I try to ignore the flutters happening in my stomach over the fact Zander is about to become my savior. It’s a little pathetic of me to even think about, but I’ve been a whole lot of pathetic since I arrived here two weeks ago.

  My phone rings ten minutes later and I look down to see Faith’s name pop up. “Hey,” I answer. Her phone had gone straight to voicemail, so I didn’t think she’d had known I had just called her.

  With a thick voice she says, “Hey, you back to the house yet?”

  “Not yet, I actually-“

  “Can you hurry, Lexi?” Her voice cracks and I can tell she is crying. Faith crying? This can’t be good. I thought that girl was all sunshine, unicorns, and butterflies. So that means this must be something pretty horrible.

  “I will try, but it’s going to be like a half hour.” I hope. “What is the matter, Faith?”

  She starts to sob and my heart breaks for the dear girl. “It’s your mom, Lexi, she… she’s gone.”

  Everything in the world around me comes to a sudden standstill. I knew it was coming, obviously, and I was prepared for it. That is, until I visited with her yesterday and learned the truth. I finally understand my mom, I finally have respect and love for her, I finally connected to her, and she leaves. She is gone. And I’m more heartbroken than I thought I would be. And I’m alone, in the woods, lost.

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can be.”

  “Okay, I’ll meet you at the house,” she says with a sniffle. “We’re going to the hospital. We’re going to meet everyone there.”

  “No, just go,” I tell her. “I’ll meet you all there. I got a ride.”

  She pauses before she asks quietly, “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, Faith. Go. I’ll see you in a bit. Please drive careful.”

  “I’ll see you then,” she says before hanging up. I hold the phone to my chest as I attempt to hold back the tears. I want to keep my emotions at bay, at least for right now. This isn’t the place or time to break down. I can wait until I’m at the hospital with everyone else. Or later tonight when I’m in bed all alone.

  It’s less than five minutes later when Zander calls to tell me he just got on the trail. I explain the first two paths I went on, then the third I got lost on. We stay on the phone the entire time, and with a little frustration on his part, I finally see him come into view, riding bareback on one of Clay’s horses. He looks so handsome, especially the way his cowboy hat is placed upon his head, and the look of relief on his face when he sees me.

  When we meet up together, he immediately lays into me. “I cannot believe you got lost out here, Lexi. You’re lucky I answered my phone. Hell, you’re lucky I found you. What were you thinking not paying attention?” And like that, his smile is gone, my emotions come to the forefront, and the flood gates break open.

  “I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he says softly, reaching his hand forward, laying it over mine.

  “After I got off the phone with you, Faith called to say my mom passed away.” Wiping at my face, I look up to Zander. “I just forgave her yesterday, Zander. Yesterday! And she is gone. I didn’t get to know her. I didn’t get to have a real mom, and I’ll never have one.”

  He whispers out some profanities I don’t even notice before saying, “I’m so sorry.”

  I know he is saying it out of habit, but it melts my heart either way hearing him say it.

  “Whatever. Just- can we go back?” I pull up the bottom part of my tank top to wipe at my face, not even caring if Zander can see the creases of my stomach.

  After a couple second of nothing, he finally says, “Yeah, let’s go.”

  We ride back the rest of the way in silence, and once we’re back at the horse’s pen, he helps me get them put away. Walking out of the barn, I ask him, almost embarrassed, “Can you bring me to the hospital?”

  Zander’s hand rests on my lower back. “Whatever you need.” If only he knew how much everything he has done for me in the last hour means to me. More than I can ever tell him, that much is for sure.

  Outside the hospital, Zander places it in park and looks over at me. “Do you need me? Because I’m sure Emerson would understand. I could-“

  “It’s fine. Thanks, but no. You have a wedding tomorrow and rehearsal tonight or whatever. I’ll be fine.”

  He looks at me for a few moments, his eyes roaming my face before he seems to accept what I said with the softest head nod. “Okay. I’ll see you later then.”

  “Are you keep Justin overnight, or will you be dropping him off later? I believe his suit is at Clay’s.”

  “Call me when you’re done here.”

  “Thank you, Zander. For everything.”

  My heart is actually breaking for many different reasons.

  The most obvious is the fact that my mom died the day after I discovered the true her. The woman I could have loved and admired, but instead resented.

  Then I sat in the waiting room, watching my dad- who will always be known as my father, biological or not- break down. No, not just break down, it was so much more. He actually curled into himself on a bench and cried. A full grown man crying is one thing, but watching my dad sob himself into an obliterated mess over the loss of his wife, it wrecked me. I felt more helpless than I ever have in my entire life.

  My siblings, my Aunt Cheryl, and everyone else here all sat like me, zombified with silent tears running down our faces. The thing about death is everyone forgets the very first stage of grief. It’s not denial and isolation, its actually just the opposite. You sit there, stunned and terrified, as hundreds, maybe even thousands, of thoughts go rushing through your mind at once. Some good, some bad, some long forgotten. You relive your life with that person, even for a few moments. Then denial throws itself into the mix and those thoughts elapse as you try desperately to believe the person didn’t really pass away.

  My dad, he is at the denial stage. The rest of us, we’re in the land of long forgotten.

  As time went on, those of us who wanted to visit our mom could. I’m not sure what it was about the moment, but as everyone shook their heads no, I stood up and went with the nurse into the other room. Behind a closed curtain laid my mom on a metal table, completely unrecognizable, but at the same time, she looked the woman I knew when I was just a child.

  I had sat on that cold stool next to her for close to twenty minutes before I was told they needed to discuss funeral arrangements. Thankfully my mom had most of that taken care of ahead of time, but with what was forgotten by her, or unable to be done by her, we finished.

  After leaving the hospital, we all make it to my dad’s house. Zander drops me off, having stuck around to this point, and before I climbed out of his truck he said, “I’m going to get back to the house. I’m sure Justin is being put to work with wedding things, and I know I need to help out.”

  I let him go, knowing I had my siblings to lean onto. They know what this feels like, he doesn’t.

  Once we all got passed the first few moments of shock and heartache, we reminisced. It hurt not having all the memories they did, but I understood. At one point, my dad got up from the couch, not able to handle any more talk of mom and I went after him. Just as he was climbing the stairs, I called, “Dad.”

  He paused and his head dropped down, but he didn’t say anything, and he certainly didn’t turn around. I decided to continue. “Mom told me yesterday.” I know I don’t need to clarify. He nods his head so softly I almost don’t see it, but aside from that, he remained still, so I continued. “You were my dad. You’ll always be my dad. I’m sorry mom did that to you, and I’m sorry I was just a reminder of what happened. But you worked hard and provided for us all, and you stuck around to be a man. I respect you a lot for that, and even though you don’t like
to look at me, I want you to know I love you.”

  I started turning around when his hoarse voice says. “I love you, too. Always have.” Then I listened as he climbed the stairs. After quickly wipping away the tears, I walk into the living room to re-join everyone. My Aunt Cheryl had already left, so it was my siblings and in-laws left.

  Magnolia said, “Her go-to drink was a Bloody Mary. I say those of us who can actually drink all go down to the Hitter and have one in her honor.”

  It didn’t take long for everyone to agree. Torin had gone upstairs to her room, and I actually felt guilty we weren’t staying at the house any longer, but when Clay asked if she wanted to join and have a virgin one, she had shook her head and said it’d be better if she didn’t.

  Rease said she didn’t feel like going anywhere, but she wanted us to go. She didn’t even have the energy to go back to her apartment, and instead curled up on the couch with a movie on the TV. Looking at her before we left, she wasn’t even watching the TV, but instead was lost in what I assume to be memories of mom.

  Hitter’s is a grungy little sports bar. You can be any age to enter, since they serve food for the family, however, most people that go there are in their forties or older. I never knew what it was about my mom, but she loved going there. I remember it when I was little, her packing us up and bringing us out to lunch there while dad was at work. Food was cheap, I understood that even at a young age, but it was just as cheap at any fast food joint. No, my mom loved Hitter’s, and according to my siblings, she was still going up until a few weeks back.

  The five of us sat at a corner booth in the back of the place, a Bloody Mary placed in front of each of us. I never liked Bloody Marys and after the first sip, knew I never would. Out of respect to mom, as Clay put it, we all decided to drink just one, then we can get whatever else we want to drink afterwards.

  That brings us to the now.

  “Aren’t you supposed to be helping Em with her wedding stuff?” Magnolia asks Faith. We’re three drinks in and us girls seem to be feeling it. The guys have their own conversation, while us girls have ours.