Lust

by Leddy Harper

  In a single move, I turned on the white light in the small bathroom and turned on the water in the shower. It was a tiny cubicle, only meant for one, but I pushed her in and propped her up against the blue tiled wall. Cold water fell, coating us both with the shock of it. That was the moment the fight in her stilled. But the fight in me raged on.

  “Why are you here, Cade? You don’t want me. Why are you here?” she cried as she pressed her forehead against my bare chest and covered her face with her hands.

  I grabbed a hold of her wrists and pushed them back to the wall, pinning them on either side of her body. Her head tilted up to look at me and the pain in her eyes swirled with confusion and want. I had never seen a look like that before. I had never experienced so much passion included in one look—one look that had the power to strip me bare, burn me from the inside out, and leave me feeling… alive.

  My lips landed on hers without thought. I needed to feel her against me. I needed to feel her warmth run through me. I felt desperate to prove to her just how wrong she was. A deep intake of air through her nose and a slight whimper from her throat had me pulling back slightly. I had to make sure she was in this moment as much as I was. And I needed to make sure, above anything, that she was fully aware of what we were doing. I may have said fuck the lines, but if there was any amount of alcohol clouding her brain, I needed to stop. Because that was the only line I wouldn’t cross, and it had nothing to do with my career and everything to do with her.

  “Why do you make it so damn hard to do the right thing?” I asked, nearly out of breath.

  “What’s the right thing?” Her voice was practically a whisper that grazed my skin and left a burning trail behind.

  “To walk away. To give you other options of therapy. To end this before one of us ends up broken… or worse. But I can’t do that. I can’t walk away from you without feeling like I’ve left part of me behind. I can’t pass you off to someone else, knowing they can’t give you what I can. No matter how many times I contemplate ending this, I can’t. Because I don’t want to end this. I want to start this.”

  “Start what?”

  I shook my head, unable to find the words to answer her question. “I don’t know. I don’t know what this is… but whatever it is, I want to start it. With you. I don’t want you to simply be my client because then there would be an end date to us. And I don’t want that.”

  Her throat expanded and contracted as she swallowed hard and averted her eyes. “I don’t know what that means, Cade.”

  “I don’t either. All I know is that I’ve never understood why people choose to be with only one person when there’s a world full of others. It never made sense to me why anyone would give up their options for one person. But ever since meeting you… there isn’t anyone else. I don’t have a need for other options any longer. There is no one else in this world but you and me.” I couldn’t make sense of the words that were falling out of my mouth. My brain hadn’t sorted through them before I spoke and that was probably because I was speaking straight from my heart. All I knew was the words that passed my lips were the most honest words I had ever spoken and aside from it terrifying me as to how true they were, they liberated me. I felt free once they were out.

  “Are… Are you saying you’re… in love with me?” she whispered beneath the spray of water.

  “No. Love only ruins things. I’m already ruined. I have no idea what this is that I feel for you, but I can’t call it love. I don’t want you to love me, Ivy. I want you to own me. I want to own you. I want to fix you and break you all at once. I need you and I can’t explain it. Please… don’t ask me to.”

  She freed her hands from the wall where I had them pinned and snaked them around my neck. Her fingers twisted through my hair as she pulled my face down to meet hers. The moment her lips landed on mine and opened for me, her pelvis pushed against my leg. I leaned into her, pressing her hard against the tile behind her. I moved my soaked jean-clad thigh between her legs and I began to thrust it into her center. My erection found her soft thigh through the denim and ached to feel her skin. It pulsated with want and need. Her body stilled for a moment before I did it again, making sure to add pressure for the both of us. My hands found their way to the bottom of her tank top and I let the tips of my fingers barely touch the skin on her stomach before sliding them up to her ribcage, taking her wet shirt with it.

  Ivy pulled her face away and began to breathe heavily against my chest. I stilled my hands and took my own deep breath, needing to make sure she was with me the entire time. “Do you want me to stop?” The fear in my voice was strong and echoed in the small space. Had I not been so worried about Ivy’s reaction, I would have been embarrassed by my lack of confidence.

  “No. I don’t want you to stop. But I’m scared you’re going to. I’m scared you’re going to run away like before. I—”

  I reached behind her and grabbed her ass in my hands, hiking her up my body until her legs instinctively wrapped around my waist. Her face was even with mine and she had nowhere to look but in my eyes. The shower was still on and soaking us both, the water falling in droplets from her dark eyelashes and making the red flakes burn with intensity.

  “I tried to do the right thing. That’s the only reason I left.”

  “What if you decide again to do the right thing?”

  I kissed her briefly before pulling away to look at her again. I couldn’t answer her. I was tired of talking. My dick was hard and throbbing against my jeans, knowing there were only a few layers of fabric keeping me from her warmth. I needed to be inside of her. I needed to cross every fucking line that kept me from Ivy Jaymes until those lines were wrapped around us, binding us together.

  I turned the water off and carefully stepped out of the shower. The cold water had cooled our bodies until we were both shivering and covered in chills. I needed to be pressed against her, skin-to-skin, in order to heat us both back up. It was the only thing on my mind. I tried to lay her down gently, but her body bounced on the mattress as I released her from my hold. I took a step back to see her dark blond hair, darkened by the shower, spread out around her. Her small chest heaved up and down and it was impossible to miss the two pebbles hiding behind the thin material of her bra.

  I kicked my shoes off and unbuttoned my jeans, pushing them to the floor as I stepped out of them. Not once did I take my eyes away from the damaged and scarred woman, whom I cared for and would protect with every fiber of my being, in front of me. Her eyes never left mine, either. She watched with fear etched in her expression and I knew she was making sure I wouldn’t run again.

  I wouldn’t.

  I would never run again.

  The moment I reached for her, she froze up. It was as if I was watching all of her walls reconstruct around her, blocking me out. She began to push back on the bed until she was in the middle with her legs bent in front of her. Maybe her fearful expression wasn’t because of me leaving. Maybe it was because of me in general.

  I leaned over her shivering frame, keeping my hands on either side of her body so she would know where they were at all times. “Talk to me, Ivy. Tell me what you’re feeling. Why are you pushing me away?”

  “I—I just need the lights off,” she mumbled with her eyes pinched tightly closed.

  “No,” I barked and grabbed her face until she looked at me. “I want to see you. I need to watch you if we do this. I won’t let you shut down or space out while I’m inside of you.” I softened my words and bent down until my lips were barely touching hers. “I need you to be in this with me.”

  She began to relent as her legs started to give. Her breathing started to even out and her eyes softened. “Don’t look at me,” she pleaded with a voice so quiet I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly. “I want to be with you, but you can’t look at me.”

  I shook my head, not understanding what she was saying. “I need to. I have to make—”

  “No,” she started, placing her hand over my lips to keep me from
continuing. “You can’t look at me there.”

  With a deep breath, I gave in. I knew she was uncomfortable with the way she looked, much like I knew most women were. I had seen so many vaginas over my career—and life—that I couldn’t honestly tell you that there was a “normal” looking one. But just like every other part of a woman’s body, I guess insecurities about their sex were no different. I wouldn’t push her, but I knew that at some point, I would see it. I would taste it. It was only a matter of time before I’d have her giving in and begging for it.

  I smiled and lowered my mouth to her neck, tasting her cold skin. “Whatever you say, Ivy, but I can’t fuck you with your pants on. I’m good, but I’m not that good,” I teased as I made my way up to her ear and pinching the lobe between my teeth.

  “Are you going to fuck me?” she asked and I didn’t miss the hopeful tone she used.

  I pulled away to look at her. “What did you think we were doing?”

  “You said before that you wouldn’t do that.”

  Her words settled on me and I knew exactly what she was talking about. She wasn’t just asking if we were going to have sex, she was wanting to know if I was going to fuck her the way she wanted, the way they did in the books she read.

  “Is that what you want? Do you want me to fuck you?”

  A shyness swept over her face and her eyes turned downcast. “I don’t know.”

  Well, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but then again, I wasn’t really sure what I was looking for. I wanted nothing more than to pound into her pussy and leave her feeling me there for a week, but it was clear that she wasn’t ready for that. And I wasn’t sure I was either. For the first time ever, I wanted to just go with it. I wanted to start blind and see what happened. I didn’t need to fuck Ivy, although I wanted to at some point, I only needed to be with her. And it didn’t matter what way that was in, as long as it was with her. That thought was enough to have me running for the door, but the moment I felt her tiny hand on my hard dick, I no longer thought about anything else.

  I made quick work of taking her bra off, but the moment I attempted to remove her leggings, she stopped me. I moved to the side of her and kept my eyes on hers, proving to her that I wasn’t going to look where she forbade me to. But the moment her pants came off, I was back on top of her, owning her lips with mine.

  Soft whimpers and moans escaped from her throat as I teased her with my dick. I was so hard and ready, but I needed to make sure she was right there with me. I ran the length of my cock between her folds, thrusting hard but slowly as the base ran over her clit. I could feel her hips begin to move with mine and I knew I had her. I knew she was with me all the way and not cowering in the darkness of her mind. Her legs began to tighten against my hips and her breathing turned ragged. I knew she was on the cusp of an orgasm and needed to take action before she fell over. I needed to be inside of her when she let go.

  I pulled back slightly and then pushed forward, not stopping until I was fully inside of her. She gasped audibly while I stopped breathing altogether. I couldn’t move as I tried to calm down. I felt as if I could explode at any given second. Her warmth invaded me, her muscles hugged me, and the sounds she made vibrated through me until I was on the verge of my own orgasm.

  While we were chest-to-chest, face-to-face, her eyes grew large and her mouth dropped open. At first, I thought it was because of my thrust into her, but the more I watched her eyes, I realized it was fear and my instincts kicked in.

  “We’re done. You’re not ready,” I said as I started to back away.

  Before my dick was out, she was pulling me back, desperately clinging to me while crying, “no, no, no.” A tear slipped from her clenched eyes. I slowly pulled my hand to her face and wiped it away, feeling a dying need to comfort her. That was the moment I realized she was more fragile than I had ever anticipated, more broken than I had ever thought.

  “You’re not ready, Ivy, and that’s okay. We don’t have to do this now. We have all the time in the world. Don’t force it. Fuck… please don’t force it.” I couldn’t handle knowing that she making herself follow through with it.

  Her grey eyes opened, glistening with unshed tears, and she looked right at me as she spoke. “I’m not forcing anything, Cade. I swear. I’m okay; I just thought you were stopping. I don’t want you to stop.”

  I was stunned. She had gotten upset at the thought I would end what we had just started. There was no way she was that insecure about herself, and I found it a necessity to correct that thought. I kissed her and began to move slowly back into her warmth, never taking my lips from hers. I sank all the way into her and felt my balls clench. She was so warm and tight… I wanted to bury my dick in her and never leave. I wanted to feel her wrapped around me all the time.

  “Jesus, fuck… you feel so fucking good, Ivy,” I mumbled against her lips.

  She moaned softly and then gasped as I pulled almost all the way out before slamming back into her. I was soft and gentle, but I needed to make sure she knew I was there. I needed her to feel me long after I was gone.

  “Say something, Ivy.”

  She shook her head as if she couldn’t speak.

  “Anything. I don’t fucking care what it is… just talk. Do you like this?” I asked and she nodded, pulling her face closer to my ear. “Then fucking tell me you like it. I want to hear it.”

  “I fucking like it, Cade.”

  I couldn’t help but smile at that. She was shy and inexperienced, but I would open her up. I would open her up so far I’d be able to see inside her, and then bury myself there forever. “Tell me how you want it. Harder? Softer? Faster? Slower? Tell me. I need to know.”

  I felt her shake her head against my face and let out a soft grunt. Her inner walls tightened around me as I circled my hips, making sure to brush my pelvic bone over her clit. I needed to watch her come undone before I finished. As much as I wanted to cross that line with her, holding her hand as we made it home, I needed to watch her face as she came around me.

  I began to thrust harder, keeping up with the circular motion she seemed to like so much. My eyes remained on her, watching every facial expression she made. Her walls grew tighter and tighter as her breathing slowed down, almost stopping completely. She was close… so close.

  “I want to hear you say my name when you come. I need to hear it,” I panted as I continued with my thrusts. Once she held her breath, I knew it was only a matter of seconds before she let go. “My name, Ivy. I need to hear you say my name.”

  The waves began to take hold of her, pulling her down like a riptide. Her eyes popped open for a moment, locking on to mine. Then they closed tight as she screamed my name, grabbing my shoulders and digging her nails into my skin, and her legs locked my hips between them like a vice. Her pussy walls clenched my dick so hard I thought she would strangle it, but it was the best feeling in the world. I had to fight to keep from coming.

  And that’s when everything around me began to close in. The outer rim of my vision turned black and fuzzy. Ivy’s screams changed and sounded as if they were far away. My ears began to ring, making some noises faint while others became more prominent. The bed springs creaked, rapidly. The grunts, not sure if they were hers or mine, grew deep and desperate. And instead of hearing my name calling out in pleasure, I heard fear and desperation in the loud cries. Sweat formed on the back of my neck and I felt lightheaded.

  “Cade? Cade… are you…?” Ivy’s voice slowly brought me back.

  I looked around and noticed I was in her room, not my parents’ room. But it didn’t do anything to calm my nerves once I looked down and saw us on her bed. The one place I couldn’t be intimate with someone. My eyes traveled down her body until I reached the place where we were joined. I was no longer inside of her and I was no longer hard. Thoughts, questions, and fears attacked my brain all at once. Was I rough with her like I had been with Alyssa? How long was I trapped in the black hole of my memories?

  “I… I
have to go,” I mumbled and then jumped up, trying to ignore the sounds of the springs in the bed as they gave way to my movements. I couldn’t look at Ivy. I knew she wouldn’t understand. No one understood.

  I grabbed my jeans from the floor and pulled them on without bothering with my boxers. I didn’t even bother with my shoes as I picked up my remaining belongings and ran out the door as if Ivy’s father just caught us fucking on the couch. My heart was beating so fast I worried it would never calm down and my head was so fuzzy I felt drunk.

  I stopped as soon as I reached my car and bent down, holding myself up with my hands on my knees, and threw up on the pavement. I knew a panic attack was coming, but I didn’t waste any time trying to control it. I got in my car, blasted ice-cold air in my face, and took off, hoping I’d make it home before my memories crushed me.

  I somehow managed to send out a mass email to all of my clients and the therapists I used to refer patients to me. I couldn’t tell you what it said other than I needed personal time. It was probably full of typos and incomplete sentences, but I didn’t care. My mind was too dark and too loud to comprehend anything I was doing. The only thing I knew for certain was that I had ruined Ivy, Ivy had decimated me, and my life was completely crumbling down all around me.

  Everything was a blur. I had no idea what day it was, what time it was, or what was real versus imaginary. At first, it was panic-induced, but after that started to wear off and my conscious began to return, it was alcohol-induced. I didn’t eat, and if I slept, it was because I had passed out; all I did was drink, hoping to numb myself enough to forget everything.

  But it did the complete opposite.

  I sat on the floor with my back against the wall, staring down the hall that led to the kitchen. My dad walked in, and he looked the same as he did when I was seven. It was weird because I knew that had been twenty-seven years ago, but he hadn’t aged a day. He had a baseball in one hand and a mitt over the other. His smile was large on his face, just as I remembered it looking. And he seemed so carefree.