The Art of Reading People

by Ian Tuhovsky

  Insecurity like this comes about because humans are creatures of habit and comfort. We get into a routine and we hate changing it. This, in terms of evolution, really makes sense. If we were living in one place where there was food and water, even if there were frequent storms, it would make sense to stay there so long as there was still food and water. It is comfortable and easy to stay. On the other hand, leaving the stormy area might mean we could not find food or water on time, and could die.

  Here’s the problem with this philosophy. We are not cavemen settling in a bad area because we have no options. Our primitive subconscious doesn't know this. Our evolved, conscious mind does. We have options. We can and will survive. No matter how comfortable you are, remember that you can become comfortable again, but without a toxic relationship. You might lose a partner, a relative, a job, or a friend. But you will gain a life. Is that not worth it?

  I was definitely in an insecure place after my two Bad Guy ex-girlfriends. Both played into my insecurities about my role as a boyfriend, and my insecurities about being alone. The girl who kept taking my money and going on shopping sprees made it feel like this was a small mistake, not intentional harm. The girl who went cold and distant relied on the fact we'd already moved in together. They both needed me to think that it would be too much effort to end the relationship. At first, I did.

  And what happened when I broke up with them? Sure, my comfortable routine disappeared for a bit. But so did the treatment. Which left me to form a new routine more in line with my personal values.

  Extreme attraction is also essential to persevering in a toxic relationship. You know the saying “Love is blind”, right? What that means is that extreme attraction makes us overlook things we might normally consider deal breakers, either for personal reasons or because of our culture or background. And this is normally a good thing. Again, when two people with empathy are blindly in love, or when one person with empathy is blindly in platonic love with another person with empathy, nobody is abused. Feelings may get hurt. You may be disappointed when you fall out of love. You love as long as love lasts, and even if it ends, you move on.

  It is easy to forget that extreme attraction can be exploited. Sure, extreme attraction can blind you to someone's burn scars, or class, or depression, and that is a beautiful thing. That said, extreme attraction can also blind you to someone's abusive tendencies, lack of empathy, and desire to exploit you. Which means that we can sit there, all loved up, while someone, for example, stops being the person we used to love. Love, simply put, makes us vulnerable to manipulation.

  Another thing we neglect about extreme attraction is that it is not just sexual. Think about how fiercely many people defend their family, best friend, or favorite artist. When something is very, very important to us, we experience extreme attraction, whether or not we are sexually attracted to that person or thing. We are just as vulnerable to exploitation from, say, a brother, or a religious leader, as we are to exploitation from a partner.

  So why is this even a thing? It turns out, extreme attraction serves a biological function.

  Extreme attraction is our body's way of compromising. Nothing and nobody is perfect, that much we know. So, what happens when someone we need to support, like our child, has a trait we find undesirable, such as lying? Or a person who is very sexually compatible with us has a trait we used to consider a deal breaker? Or a person who would be a great business partner speaks in a way we can’t tolerate? In these cases, our love blinds us to their “imperfections”, promoting survival. This helps us form connections despite bad experiences and prejudices which would otherwise stop us from relating to others.

  A great example of both extreme attraction that was not sexual, and of the negative effects of extreme attraction, was my connection to my former business partner. I was so loved up with the idea of the business, so convinced it was a wonderful thing, that I was blinded to his inexperience and lies. I wanted it to work too badly. And when it didn't, I daresay I felt a little heartbreak.

  Fear is the final component to the survival of a toxic relationship. Even if they do not directly threaten you, a Bad Guy knows full well that you are afraid and definitely exploits that fear. Bad Guys need you to be afraid, of them or of something else, to use you.

  Fear is a very healthy thing to have. Indeed, being truly fearless would put us in danger. We should definitely be afraid of falling from great heights, growling dogs, and of leaving our homes unattended. These fears are nature's way of telling you when something threatens your survival, sort of like a memo saying, “Hey, you're mortal, so take care!”

  But fear can be manipulated for nefarious purposes. We already explored one kind of fear when we talked about insecurity concerning the future. In that case, we are afraid of uncertainty, of what will happen if things change, or of losing our routine. There are many fears which keep us in toxic relationships.

  There is the fear of the other person, their violent tendencies or what they are capable of doing as an act of revenge. This fear is the one most of us think of when we consider an abusive relationship. Fear they will hurt you. Stalk you. Turn your friends against you. Outside of romance, you may fear losing your job, being hurt, or having to move away.

  There is the fear of social stigma. This one is a bit like the fear of revenge, except it is not explicit. Nobody walked up to you and said, “you will be shunned forever if you end that relationship”. You just know, from external influences and seeing it happen to others, that ending the relationship is not acceptable to some people in your culture.

  There is the fallacy of sunk costs. This is again part of the insecurity package. You say, “I have already given X dollars, Y hours, and Z energy to this person, so I need to continue, or it will all be a waste!” The assumption is that if you keep going, eventually your investments will pay back. But toxic relationships are stock that never regains its value. And, worst of all, the more you invest, the more committed you are to investing! It's a dangerous cycle.

  There are other fears which may keep people together, such as the fear of harming children, the fear of missing out on a reward, etc., but these tend to be personal, and are not present in all toxic relationships. On the other hand, the fears of losing connections, revenge, stigma, and sunk costs, are very common and usually one or more of them is responsible for holding a toxic relationship together.

  In all my toxic relationships, I have been afraid to lose the connection more than anything. I felt that these people genuinely valued me, and I was scared that I would be nothing without their love and support. That love and support was not real! I also at times feared the sunk costs. I figured I had given so much money, time, and energy, that I had to stick around to get it all back. I never got it back. I just ended up losing more money, time, and energy.

  So, as you can see, there are many reasons why we may cling onto a toxic relationship, but all of them fit, in some way or another, into one or more of those three categories. Deep down, those are our three main reasons.

  Lesson 6: Identifying excuses.

  Identifying our own excuses can be hard. The difficulty comes in because the three reasons for holding on to a toxic relationship can manifest in many different ways. It all depends on who we are, who they are, the nature of our relationship, how long we have been together, etc. If you are in a toxic relationship, your reasons for staying are probably excuses, and will certainly echo back to insecurity, extreme attraction, and fear.

  For example, let's take some of the excuses at the start of this chapter:

  “They aren't really like that.”

  Here we are expressing that the other person, most of the time, is completely different than how they appear, which may be true. But if you are in an abusive relationship, this sentence covers for the other person. We are telling a lie to protect them which is coming from a place of fear. What are we afraid of? Perhaps we fear their physical or psychological violence. Perhaps we fear the social stigma of being discovered to be i
n a toxic relationship. Whatever our motivation, hiding someone else's bad actions comes from a place of fear.

  The sentence above also provides an excuse for their bad behavior. Just because they aren't normally like that, does it excuse their actions? Perhaps if you followed it up by saying, “their mother died earlier this week”, they could be excused. And yet, if they are doing this without a valid reason, or because of a hair-trigger temper, they should not be excused. In that situation, we are seeing extreme attraction. We are saying, “because they act in another way most of the time, it is okay for them to act this way some of the time.”

  “I don't have another option.”

  Here the overarching reason is insecurity. There are always options. What we mean to say in this situation is that we fear our options. Maybe the option is undesirable. For example, being forced to live on the streets, or hunt for a new job in a weak employment market. Maybe the option is uncertain, such as finding a new partner. Abusive people tend to try their hardest to take away our options and make us flail without them, creating a strong sense of insecurity.

  There is also an element of extreme attraction in the above examples. Perhaps you know full well that other options exist. The other option just isn't as good, as sexy, as well-paying, or as interesting. In this case we are saying, “of all my options, I’d rather put up with abuse, plus get some of my needs met, than have neither.” Here we have sacrificed our holistic well-being as a person for our well-being physically, financially, socially, etc.

  “It's not their fault, they are just mentally ill.”

  In this case we are, again, making an excuse for this person. When we pin their behavior on something perceived to be outside their control, we are trying to take the blame away from them, too. Generally, the reason behind this is a mild form of fear. You don't think they will hurt you, or that you will be ostracized. But you fear for them. You want this person to be well, and you believe that if others see them for what they are, this person will be shunned. In this sense, extreme attraction is at also at play. We are blinded by the fear that, if people we trust would hate this person, then maybe they are a Bad Guy.

  “I have to think of others before myself.”

  In this excuse we diminish ourselves. We are saying, “my needs matter less than those of my children, coworkers, or friends.” Of course, this thinking is in error. If you are being abused, your kids will see that abuse and it will affect them. If you are being abused, your coworkers may also be at risk of the same treatment and should be warned. If you are being abused, your friends should be adults who can accept your choices and uphold you. The fear that we will be left unsupported during our time of greatest need is precisely what motivates this excuse. We are feeling insecure about our ability to care for and protect others.

  Exercise:

  Explore your own toxic relationships, or other toxic relationships you have seen. Consider what excuses were used when the abusive party caused harm. Consider what reasons a person had for maintaining the relationship. If the relationship ended, consider what reasons were given later on for its end.

  Break down these excuses and try and see the true motivations behind them. Try and work out which of the three reasons were at play there. Consider what the person's options truly were, and why they might have avoided those options.

  If you have never to your knowledge been in or witnessed an abusive relationship which lasted, try and break down the remaining sentences from the start of the chapter.

  “They never hit me.”

  “It's the community aspect I'd miss.”

  “I don't want to hurt them.”

  “They offer me something amazing, something I can't find anywhere else.”

  “I take the good days with the bad.”

  Lesson 7: Developing a habit of self-love.

  You might have noticed throughout this chapter that the reasons we have for staying in toxic relationships all have one thing in common: a lack of self-love, or self-respect.

  When we love and respect ourselves, we rarely fall prey to insecurity, extreme attraction, or fear. Think of the most confident, self-loving person you know. If you aren't sure about real people, go back to a celebrity or fictional character who is known for being self-confident. Now look at the statements in the last exercise. Can you imagine this person saying any of that?

  Of course not. But why not?

  Because that person loves themselves and respects themselves. If their partner was psychologically abusive, they would not say, “They never hit me.” They would say, “Bye!” If they felt that their partner connected them to other people, they would not fear the lack of community bonding. They would seek to sustain the community on their own, or to create or find a new community. This person will not allow themselves to be treated like trash by anyone, for anyone, or for anything.

  That is the sort of mentality we need to cultivate. Not the complete “I don't care” attitude of these people. As we shall see later on, they may have their own issues, even if they aren't Bad Guys! We need to develop a self-love and self-respect so powerful that we will not allow ourselves to be treated poorly. We need to be as protective of ourselves as we are of our best friends, children, or pets. We need to see someone trying to take advantage of us and think, “How dare they! Not on my watch!”

  Exercise:

  Later on, in the last two chapters, we will explore other ways of giving ourselves a little love and respect, as well as how and why we should look after ourselves in general. To start off, consider yourself. Think about yourself not from the inside looking out, but from the outside looking in.

  Who do you see? How would you describe this person? What do you think this person wants from life? Do they deserve it?

  Imagine someone walked up to you today with all your same problems and asked you for help. Would you advise them to do what you are doing right now? Or to do something differently?

  Being able to step back from our own identity and to consider ourselves, not from our ego or our inner critic, but as people like everyone else, can be very healing. It is important to practice this skill regularly, so that it becomes a habit. Too much introspection can make us judge ourselves harshly, much more so than we would judge anyone else. When we think of ourselves as a person, we are more likely to take our own advice, defend ourselves, and look after ourselves.

  CHAPTER SIX: NARCISSISM AND THE DELUSION OF IMPORTANCE

  Now we will begin to explore some of the signs and symptoms of the personalities which make up our Bad Guys. It is important to realize that Bad Guys are as diverse as the rest of us, and just as full of nuances. Not every Bad Guy has every sign and symptom, and none of the signs and symptoms are universal. But enough of these traits intertwined are sure to create a Bad Guy. So even if they look sweet and nice, are small, young and innocent, or do you favors, if you meet someone with many of these traits, run for the hills.

  Studies have been conducted about the different mental state of Bad Guys for a long time, and the DSM, a medical text documenting mental health problems, has several definitions which explain Bad Guys. We will begin with one of them: Narcissism.

  A narcissist sees themselves as special and more important than others. All the diagnostic criteria in the DSMV, as well as the other traits of narcissists that psychologists have suggested, focus on that one central personality flaw.

  The DSMV lists the following requirements to diagnose a patient with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Please bear in mind that the full disorder and narcissistic leanings are different! Someone can be narcissistic without being a full narcissist, and, in fact, many Bad Guys have four or five of these traits without having the full set. Here we will explore what each one means related to narcissism itself.

  1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.

  What does this mean?

  It means that our narcissistic person really, really thinks they are much more important than others. They think of themselves the same way we
think of our role models, parents, mentors, or idols.

  What harm does it do?

  When someone puts themselves on a pedestal, then we know they will never think of us as their equals. To them, they are royalty and the rest of the world resides underneath them. And we all know how badly Medieval royalty treated the peasants.

  2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

  What does this mean?

  This means the narcissistic person basically lives in their own fantasies. We all have goals, of course, and we all daydream. At the end of the day, normal people know that our fantasies will never be real. We set more modest goals for ourselves, take pride in them, and enjoy them. The narcissist cannot do this. For them, a modest goal is a failure. They need to have a perfect relationship, a perfect career, a perfect identity, or they have failed.

  What harm does it do?

  When you live in your own fantasies, it's a bit like hallucinating. Everyone else knows the pink elephant isn't there, but the hallucinator does not. Likewise, the narcissist does not actually know that their unlimited greatness is just a fantasy! To them, it is a reality, either right now, or for the future. They will stop at nothing to attain it, in much the same way we will fight for our rights and victories. And yet unlimited greatness is too perfect to be true. Even when a narcissist reaches one of their goals, they are dissatisfied because it is still not perfect.[15]