by Ian Tuhovsky
Lesson 20: Avoiding thrill-seekers.
If you are a perfectly ordinary person, it can be easy to become swept up in the exciting life of a thrill-seeker. Someone heavily tattooed who drinks excessively, has wild sex, and practices combat sports is our Hollywood-movie-definition of someone fun, interesting, and thrilling. And not all thrill-seekers cause anyone any harm. Most of them are perfectly happy to get a tattoo and go to boxing classes.
It is important to spot the difference between a healthy thrill-seeker and a taker of unnecessary risks. Many people are what you would call adrenaline junkies. They will do things which we consider highly dangerous just for the rush. As long as they are doing it with all available safety measures, and as long as it is legal and does not put anyone else at risk, they are still normal people.
Even if you end up taking care of their injuries, bills, or other issues, if you do this willingly sometimes it is not a problem. Some people genuinely do not mind taking on some extra work to care for their loved ones. And if you discussed this in advance and they are staying within agreed limits, that is up to you as individuals.
Even if you cannot decide how much risk is too much, you might wisely decide to make criminal activity a hard boundary for you. Many Bad Guys seem to believe they are untouchable because the police haven't caught them yet. No matter how much risk-taking behavior you accept from them, do not overlook criminal behavior. This could not only affect their whole life, but it may affect yours. You are at risk of being a victim of one of their crimes or considered an accomplice. Being a grass is better than being hurt or arrested.
Exercise:
Try and decide whether the thrill-seekers in your life are healthy or dangerous. Like with sadists, there are a few simple questions that should help you reach a conclusion:
1. Do they avoid behaviors which are criminal, or which actively harm nonconsenting parties?
2. Do they talk to you openly and honestly about their thrills?
3. Do they make use of all available safety measures, insurance, etc.?
4. Do they ask for your consent before involving you in their thrill-seeking?
5. Do they acknowledge your fears and feelings as valid, even if they continue to thrill-seek safely afterwards?
If you can answer “yes” to all these questions, then this person is just an adrenaline junkie. If you answer “maybe” or “no” to any of these questions, there may be a problem in your relationship. But if you answer “no” to all these questions, then you are dealing with someone who is not considering your well-being at all.
Lesson 21: Finding healthy thrills.
If you find you keep going back to negative relationships because you miss the excitement, you may be a thrill-seeker yourself. Chasing thrills in bad relationships can be a hard habit to break, and you may feel lost, confused, and bored without a Bad Guy to give you trouble.
You need to find ways of indulging that need for excitement without putting yourself in harm's way. Many people find that an adrenaline-packed hobby provides them with that same feeling in a safer environment. Martial arts, skydiving, shooting, mountain biking, or rafting might help you burn off some steam, boost your dopamine, and keep your brain busy.
Other people find that it is the intimate aggression they crave the most. These people are most likely masochists, and, as we have already explored, it is possible to indulge your masochism in a safe, loving relationship. You need to find a sadistic partner who understands boundaries, loves and respects you, and keeps the aggression to the bedroom. With them, you can explore different ways of providing the thrill you crave.
Exercise:
Look into different ways of enjoying an exciting personal life without having to deal with Bad Guys every day. Ask yourself whether you crave the arguments, the tension, the physical activity, or the physical aggression. Depending on your specific needs, find a healthy, safe alternative which does not put you at risk.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: PSYCHOS, BORDERLINES, CODEPENDENCE - MENTAL HEALTH AND TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS
Many people put Bad Guy behavior down to mental illness. This may seem logical at first. After all, Bad Guys tend to act in ways that are irrational, dangerous, and poorly empathetic. And it is a comforting to think that the person is ill as opposed to being inherently bad. It is reassuring to tell ourselves, “These people are not like that on purpose, they are not truly bad, they are just damaged. They don't know what they are doing. They are broken and malfunctioning, like a computer with a virus.”
Unfortunately, this is a simplification. As we have seen over the course of this book, Bad Guy behaviors are just that: behaviors. You don't need to be a narcissist to act narcissistic, or a psychopath to act psychopathic. Plenty of Bad Guys have nothing clinically wrong with them at all.
Think of it this way: If you have a fever, a sore throat, a persistent sneeze, a headache, and are tired, you probably have a cold. But if you have a headache, would you assume you had a cold? What about if you had a headache and are tired? Just because we have some of the symptoms of an illness does not mean we have the illness. Likewise, just because a person has some symptoms of a mental illness does not mean they have the illness![50]
They might still be a Bad Guy. They might still be dangerous, a bad influence, etc. But they are not mentally ill. They are just terrible people, pure and simple.
Nevertheless, sometimes a collection of these Bad Guy behaviors does come together to form a clinically diagnosed mental illness. And some mental illnesses are more common among Bad Guys than others.
Just as it is important to acknowledge that not all Bad Guys are mentally ill, it is important to acknowledge that some mental illnesses give rise to a plethora of Bad Guys. By acknowledging this and learning how to spot the warning signs of these mental illnesses, we can then go on to learn how to handle people with these disorders. Consider it a sort of shortcut to understanding specific groups of Bad Guys.
Psychopathy or antisocial personality disorder
Psychopaths, as defined by the DSM V, are possibly one of the most dangerous Bad Guys, and one of the mental illnesses where almost every sufferer ends up being a Bad Guy. Because they are characterized by a lack of empathy, compulsive lying, sadistic tendencies, thrill-seeking behavior, and no concern for law and order, they are very prone to ruining their lives and those of others. And their lack of remorse means you can't do anything to convince them to stop ruining lives. Either they decide it is in their own best interests to be good, or they will be a Bad Guy forever.
Narcissism
Narcissists, as we have already discussed, are another very troublesome group. They are self-obsessed, prone to lying, have little to no empathy, and are often so unemotional that they are unable to relate on any level to other people. Unlike psychopaths they are not quite so impulsive. If they can be persuaded it is in their own best interests to be good, they will almost always behave themselves. If they are very solipsistic, however, it would be very hard to get through to them, as they cannot on any level understand that other people have their own needs and interests. A narcissist with a high level of solipsism will probably always be a Bad Guy.
Borderline personality disorder
A condition we have not yet discussed in detail, borderline personality disorder is overlooked by most, and gets a bad rap by those that notice it. People with borderline personality disorder are terrified of being abandoned, have great difficulty forming healthy relationships, are highly impulsive, prone to self-harm, and alternate between inappropriately intense emotion and completely lacking emotion. Because of this they are very prone to reckless behavior which puts themselves and others at risk. Many of their victims consider them to be as dangerous as psychopaths or narcissists, which is actually not true. That said, their impulsivity and emotional instability make them prone to many Bad Guy behaviors. They are best avoided.
Codependency
Codependent people are usually considered victims rather than perpetrators because
sufferers of codependency usually seek out and attach themselves to people with any of the other five mental health conditions listed here. When in these relationships, they are often victimized and abused, which is not acceptable. Even when in a relationship with a normal, healthy person, someone with codependency still behaves in a way which may be dangerous to the other party. They can be emotionally volatile, manipulative, and thrill-seeking to a point of harming themselves and others. If they do not control these behaviors, they are bound to be a Bad Guy.[51]
Schizoid personality disorder
People with schizoid personality disorder, as defined by the DSM V, are unable to maintain a normal and healthy relationship with normal and healthy people. They are characterized by a lack of interest in any close relationships, even family, emotional detachment, lack of pleasure in life that does not stem from depression, indifference to praise or criticism, few hobbies or interests, and shallow affect. They are another type that does not set out to harm you, but which hurts you with indifference. They do not notice or care when they are hurting you, which can make them Bad Guys.
Histrionic personality disorder
People with histrionic personality disorder are a sort of horrible combination of the worst elements of a narcissist and a psychopath. Under the DSM V definition, they are wholly self-centered, obsessed with appearances and being loved, incredibly gullible, very dramatic and attention-seeking, and impulsive to a point of harming themselves and others to get their own way. They could therefore be argued to be the most extreme form of solipsist. Because they live in their own little bubble where nothing matters except being popular, they will often hurt others. Unless they can be shown that they get better attention for being good, they will be a Bad Guy.[52]
Some people with these conditions are perfectly nice people. Some psychopaths are able to control themselves and lead normal lives away from others. Some narcissists use benevolence to fuel their ego. Some borderlines work hard to control their behavior. Some codependent people seek supportive relationships full of love and trust. Some schizoid people seek relationships with others like themselves where they do no harm. Some histrionic people seek attention with grand acts of kindness.
Most people with these conditions will, however, fall into the category of Bad Guy. If every day you are battling with impulsivity, self-obsession, or paranoia, eventually you are going to crack. And, in most cases, the punishment for indulging their disorder is less painful than having to repress it every single day.
This internal suffering does not justify their behavior. And it doesn't mean you have to put up with it, but it does explain their reasoning for hurting others. To you or me it would require effort to be so selfish, reckless, and paranoid we wreck someone's life. To them, it is a huge effort not to ruin lives.
Some people with other psychological conditions may be at risk of becoming Bad Guys but are not automatically Bad Guys. In fact, most people with these conditions are perfectly healthy, functional people. They may be a little bit difficult to deal with every day, but they mean no harm and often make an earnest effort to act as normally as possible.
Bipolar disorder
Bipolar disorder actually refers to a spectrum of disorders characterized by mood swings that are not a natural emotional reaction to a situation. It ranges from dysthymia, where sufferers experience flat moods followed by mild depression, all the way to Bipolar I, where sufferers experience clinical depression followed by extreme mania. Even though these mood swings can be intense, they are the main trait of the disorder and can usually be managed with medication and therapy.
Asperger Syndrome
Asperger Syndrome is a form of autism where the individual is unable to interact on a natural, social level, but is otherwise quite normal. In the DSM V Asperger Syndrome has been merged with other forms of autism into Autism Spectrum Disorder. They are able to communicate clearly, hold jobs, and even understand others most of the time. However, they have great difficulty reading nonverbal communication, tone of voice, or emotions, which can make it seem as though they do not care or are being hostile. Usually, if you communicate a bit more directly they are wonderful people to be around.
Schizophrenia
Schizophrenia refers to a wide range of disorders characterized by having many serious psychiatric symptoms, like paranoia, hallucinations, obsessions, etc. Because schizophrenics are often detached from reality, they can become easily confused or agitated, making them hostile toward others. They can also act highly impulsively and are prone to risk-taking. Most of the time schizophrenia can be treated with antipsychotic drugs, making the sufferer much more functional.
Major depressive disorder
Major depressive disorder is also known as clinical depression. Contrary to popular belief, depression is not just “feeling sad”. In fact, many sufferers feel nothing at all, or feel angry during their depressive episodes. Depression causes a huge range of symptoms, from lethargy and exhaustion, to memory loss, to muscle aches and nerve pain. When a person goes through a depressive episode, their brain becomes much less active, causing trouble thinking, remembering, and learning. These episodes can last anywhere from a few hours to a lifetime. Although people with depression may be a little blunt, rude, or short-tempered, generally they are pleasant people who wish you no harm.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
PTSD is most commonly associated with people who have witnessed death and devastation at war or in a criminal environment, or who have been tortured. The reality is that anyone can get PTSD, and not just from witnessing or experiencing death and torture. It can be caused by verbal abuse, the loss of a loved one, a traumatic childhood, etc. PTSD is characterized by reliving the traumatic event, an intense need to avoid things that remind them of their trauma, being anxious and easily alarmed, and depression symptoms. A person with PTSD may be quick to anger or may react disproportionately to things you consider normal. However, outside of their triggers they are very normal, balanced people.[53]
Most of these people, as mentioned, are not automatically bad people. They might do bad things because of their condition. The difference between these five and the six conditions prone to Bad Guys is that these five are not ruled by a symptom that makes them hurt others. Being depressed, easily scared, or confused, does not make you dangerous. Being impulsive, paranoid, and self-centered does.
Does this mean that people with these five conditions can't be Bad Guys? Of course not! Every type of person can be a Bad Guy. In fact, just because you have one mental health condition does not mean you cannot have others. Someone who is bipolar could easily also be antisocial, or someone with PTSD could be borderline. It is important to bear in mind that not all mental health conditions make people act in a way that harms others, and that sometimes someone with a condition may hurt others accidentally, but overall still be a good person to be around.
Lesson 22: Dealing with a diagnosed mental health condition.
When someone in your life suffers from a diagnosed mental health condition, it can be hard not to leap to conclusions. With free access to the internet, and so many pseudo-professionals on TV, all of us would like to think we know a little bit about mental illness. But real mental health conditions are not as simple as a health website entry, or a news report, or a TV character.
People are very varied. Even people with the same mental health condition can be completely different in how it manifests. Of two people with Bipolar II, one may be on medication and the other may self-manage, one may be prone to anger and the other to flat moods, one may be more lethargic and the other more paranoid, and both will have unique thoughts, interests, and lives. Just because you know someone's diagnosis does not mean you know all about them.
When you find out about someone's diagnosed mental health condition, take a step back. Unless the person suffers from one of the six conditions most prone to Bad Guys, there is no reason to assume they will harm you. There is also no reason to assume they need your help
or want to change either. Most people with diagnosed mental health conditions are receiving support and treatment and are functional members of society.
Nevertheless, it is important to adapt to ensure everyone’s safety. Most people with mental health conditions will want to warn you well in advance to prepare you for any complications. Make the most of this opportunity to learn all about them and their experience of the condition.
Exercise:
If there is anyone important in your life with a diagnosed mental health condition, sit down with them and talk to them about it. The more you know about their condition and the better you understand them, the better protected both of you will be. Consider asking them:
What is it like having your condition?
Are there any times you are worried you might harm yourself or others?
What can I do to help?
Is there anything important I need to know?
At first you are going to have to trust what they say. Unless you are a psychiatrist, you will not be able to diagnose them yourself, or second-guess their claims. Use your best judgment. If it seems they are a pathological liar, you might need to have this conversation with other people in their lives and get to the truth of the matter.