by Ian Tuhovsky
It is also important to use this time to determine if this person is a Bad Guy, or at risk of becoming a Bad Guy. Sometimes, learning about someone's mental health condition helps you learn how to change your behavior to protect them. Or it might tell you to walk away and never see them again. If they display Bad Guy attitudes or behaviors, and are also diagnosed with a mental health condition, you do not have to stay.
It is not your responsibility to be nice to them. It is not your responsibility to help them. It is not your responsibility to change them. You need to look after yourself and your loved ones.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: ISN'T IT SELFISH TO LOOK OUT FOR MYSELF?
A lot of people experience difficulties when it comes to looking after their own interests. Usually, this manifests as giving up your time, money, or energy for others. In fact, most of us will engage in self-sacrificing behavior some of the time, and this altruism is a natural, healthy human behavior. We do not need all the time and money we have. We cannot fill our whole day with self-serving activities. So, we give a little bit to others, they give back, and slowly we build communities that maintain all of civilization.
The problem arises when the altruism goes too far. You probably know someone who sacrifices everything for others. Who gets ill from overworking themselves. Who gives away so much of their money that they have to budget carefully. Who never denies anyone their time. Who feels bad for refusing even a single request. This may even be you! And although this behavior comes from the right place, it is an unhealthy response to a bad environment, which will slowly break you down. This is actually known as pathological altruism.[54]
Most of us deeply care about those close to us, and about society in general. Even when we show ourselves no love, we want other humans to be happy. We probably even want our Bad Guys to be happy! So even when we have given up on looking after ourselves, we aim to do right by other people.[55] The problem with that philosophy is that you can't just keep looking after other people and not look after yourself. You need to eat, to rest, to have fun, to socialize. And if you don't, you get ill. And if you are ill, how can you help anyone else?
Just like the airplane message that tells you to, “attach your mask before assisting others”, you need to make sure you are in good shape before you can help anyone! Because if you give away all your money, there is no money to give. If you use up all your time, you have no time to stay healthy. If you burn all your energy, you end up ill and relying on other people instead. The people who depend on you also need you to look after yourself.
Most importantly, you are the only person who can always look out for you! Nobody else lives inside your head. Nobody else is always by your side, so nobody else can keep an eye out and make sure you are safe from negative influences. You need to keep Bad Guys out of your life, push them away when they try and worm into your circles, turn down their requests, and avoid their toxic and abusive behavior. You need to defend yourself.
If you never defend yourself, then one of two things will happen. If you are lucky enough to never be alone with a Bad Guy, you are putting pressure on others to protect you. Bad Guys are everywhere. To always avoid them, you rely on friends, family, law enforcement, etc., to always keep an eye out and make sure they never reach you. This does the opposite of what you want. It doesn't make you independent, it makes you a burden to the people you want to help!
If, like most of us, you do encounter a Bad Guy at some point, tread with caution. You might need to defend yourself, or Bad Guys will be tempted to take advantage. This isn't right, but it’s better to protect yourself in the beginning than be sorry later.
Which means you need to value yourself and your own worth. It is not impossible to look after something you place no value on, but it is very difficult. We already know that a mother can lift cars to save her baby, but that many people can't even get out of bed for a job they don't like. Similarly, if we do not value ourselves and love ourselves, how can we make the effort to look after ourselves?
In extreme cases where an individual does not love themselves we can see depressed people who manage to look after others yet forget to shower or even eat. Even the simplest of self-care stops happening when you do not think you deserve it.[56]
This is especially true if you have had some negative experiences with Bad Guys! For starters, if you have been around a Bad Guy they may have attacked your self-worth. Children, parents, and partners of narcissists, for example, often report feeling as though the narcissist is a very important person, meanwhile, they feel worthless. This happens because the Bad Guy is so overconfident in their own superiority, that you start to believe it yourself. [57]
There is also an element of Stockholm Syndrome. This is a condition where victims are trapped and begin to empathize with their abusers. They may eventually conclude that the abuser is also a victim, or that it is them versus the world. Most sufferers of Stockholm Syndrome correctly identify the abuser when they are no longer in the environment. But even then, the sensation of disorientation, loss of identity, and low self-esteem can persist.[58]
As the cherry on top, when you are around a Bad Guy it can make you feel as though certain behaviors are just Bad Guy behaviors and must be avoided. You may respect yourself, you may know that the Bad Guy was a terrible person, but you start throwing the baby out with the bathwater. You identify “keeping my money”, “refusing to help”, or “having a sick day from work” as Bad Guy behaviors and commit to never doing them. In that sense, it is a bit like PTSD. Even when there are times when saving money, turning down a request, and having a sick day are perfectly reasonable, you feel an instinctive revulsion, panic, or anger at the mere thought.[59]
A lot of territory lies between “not loving yourself” and “being self-centered”. You can look out for yourself without being selfish and without hurting others.
Throughout this book we have observed many Bad Guy behaviors and seen how they come together to hurt others. In almost every case we have also seen how these behaviors are a natural part of being human. Just because the extreme form of a behavior is bad does not taint the whole spectrum. Moving closer to the Bad Guys' end of the spectrum is not a wicked thing to do. In fact, it could be said that both extremes are bad, and that wherever you are on the spectrum you should be moving toward the center. Which means if you have no self-love, self-respect, or self-esteem, you need to work on building some.
It is important to look for and recognize your flaws. We need to always be focused on becoming better people, but it is equally important to build your self-esteem. You need to be able to look at yourself, see your flaws, and still love yourself. Even if that means putting your interests before someone else's.
Lesson 23: Your self-esteem.
Self-love is when you care for yourself in much the same way you would care for a child, pet, or partner. You make sure you are fed, safe, rested, and happy. Most people experience some level of self-love. Very few people do not love themselves at all. However, we all love ourselves in different ways, and to different extents. Most people also experience self-love that could be improved because they esteem themselves too lowly.
The scale of self-esteem ranges from “no self-esteem” to “delusions of godliness”, with very many stages falling in between. They can be summarized with the following statements:
0.0: I have no value at all and nobody values me.
0.1: I matter to some people, but not to myself.
0.25: I have no intrinsic value, but things I do can add value to me.
0.4: I am below average.
0.5: I am no greater and no lesser than anyone else.
0.6: I am above average.
0.75: I am intrinsically more important than others, but I must work for it.
0.9: I am better than everyone else.
1.0: I am a God.
It could be said that the healthy range of self-esteem ranges from 0.4-0.6, or from 0.25-0.75 if you are willing to consider slightly disordered people to still
be healthy. Many people who have a self-esteem at or below 0.25 fear becoming a person with a self-esteem of 0.75-1.0. But looking at the scale, we can see how that is ridiculous. A slight increase would do these people, and the world, more good than harm![60]
Exercise:
Try and place yourself on the scale of self-esteem. Where do you fall? Why do you think this is? If you fear that you have been deeply hurt by interactions with Bad Guys, or that you are suffering depression, you might benefit from therapy sessions to help you get to the root of your low self-esteem.
Lesson 24: Developing a habit of self-love.
As mentioned earlier, self-love is an action, not just a feeling. Self-love is when you do things to make sure you are healthy and happy. If, like most people, you often if not always put others before yourself, you need to ask yourself how you can self-love a little more.
Once you have already achieved a healthy self-esteem, you might find that your life in many ways needs overhauling to encourage you to love yourself more. You will probably find that you are depriving yourself in many ways, but that there is no time in your day to make up for it. If you regularly go hungry at lunchtime, you need to practice effective time management, and make lunch a part of your routine. If you overwork yourself and are tired, you need to determine what you can get rid of to look after yourself.[61]
Exercise:
It is important to take time to evaluate our lives and relationships in an unstressed environment. Find a nice, quiet place to meditate on your life and circumstances. Try and work out what elements of your life are using the most time, money, and energy. See which ones could be eliminated or could be changed to take up less time. There are bound to be things you can sacrifice to make time for yourself.
Often this will involve turning other people down! You will have to tell your boss that you can't take on more work. You will have to tell your mother to call you some other time. You will have to let your kids skip a day of swimming class. You will have to step back and say, “I need to look after myself.” This is not easy, but most normal, healthy people will understand and will make room for you to self-love.
On the flip side, we have the Bad Guys, who will not take kindly to our efforts to look after something that is not them!
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: CULTIVATING OUTCOME INDEPENDENCE
When we begin trying to love ourselves, we find out the true colors of many people in our lives. People who love us will be genuinely pleased for us, and glad to see us looking after ourselves. People who want us to focus on them will become jealous or confused. They will not notice that we are happier or healthier. They will just see we are robbing them of their time with us, their free labor, and their handouts. They may even play the victim, trying to make you pity them, and making you feel like a terrible person for daring to reject them.[62]
As the Bad Guys crawl out of the woodwork, all of them will be bitter. Like a vulture who waits for an animal to die, they are disappointed to see their “meal” getting up and walking away! If their attempts to provoke pity do not work, they will react in one of two ways next.
Some Bad Guys will retreat to lick their wounds. These Bad Guys are usually either not massively invested in the relationship because they have something else to turn to or realize that it is a losing battle and is not worth their time. Unfortunately, many Bad Guys will feel an intense desire for revenge. This vindictiveness, if not handled properly, can ruin lives.
A Bad Guy, when rejected, has an almost limitless number of tools to bully you with, ranging from petty to criminal. They might spread rumors about you, to put other people off dating you or socializing with you. They might torment other people in your life to drive them away from you. They might damage your property. They might try and get your employer to fire you. They might even physically attack you. All of these are ways of trying to “territory mark” you, to let you, and everyone else, know you are “theirs”.[63]
Outcome independence is the only real way of fighting this vindictiveness. We want to be at a stage in our lives where it doesn't matter whose bridge we have to burn, or what they try to do to us, we will still pick ourselves up and keep on going. This is much easier said than done. How do you get to a point in your life where someone wanting to punch you, calling your employer to spread rumors about you, or stalking your new partner, does not bother you?
But outcome independence is a two-step process. We cannot be emotionally independent from someone if they are able to physically hurt us! It is impossible to be outcome independent of a tiger in your front room. You need to make sure you are personally and physically safe before you change your attitude.
Therefore, the first step to outcome independence is not to put others in control of our lives! When I let my ex-girlfriend live with me, I was giving her power over me. When I allowed my business partner to manage his side of the business, I put him in control of my money.
Whatever you do in life, you do not want to allow other people to have the option of hurting you. It is not paranoid to have all tenants on the lease, it is protecting you if they decide to skip paying rent. It is not cruel to refuse a loan to someone with a gambling problem, it is reasonable. It is not wrong to take out a restraining order against someone who was violent to you, it is responsible. Most people who fear these things are the people who wanted to take advantage of you.
When we are physically independent, we face the even bigger hurdle of emotional independence. Most of us connect on an emotional level to the people in our lives, even if they have not connected with us. Many people have friends, relatives, coworkers, or partners who are Bad Guys, and deeply love them. Life would not be so easy for Bad Guys if they were not able to create an emotional bond! [64]
From the moment a relationship begins, we need to remind ourselves that the other party is human. Throughout an entire relationship, we should not give people free passes on Bad Guy behavior, even if they are close friends, relatives, or romantic partners. Again, it might seem a little over the top at first, but this is nothing radical. All you need to do is treat everyone equally, and make sure your own interests are not repeatedly cast aside for anyone else.
When we first meet people, we need to vet, vet, vet. We need to pay attention to how this new person treats others. If they are a Bad Guy to other people, chances are they will be a Bad Guy to us, too. But don't go by word of mouth alone. We need to watch their actions and words, rather than trust their reputation. We need to see if they are honest, kind, and emotionally balanced before putting our trust in them.
It can be easy to assume the best of everyone, but that is what Bad Guys count on. Vetting, again, is not extreme or cruel. Most people will pass our vetting with flying colors! Most people will demonstrate that they are honest, kind, and emotionally balanced, making them wonderful people to be around. Only a select few will need to be avoided.[65]
We should also not be needing to fight to win someone over. No matter how “absolutely fantastic” someone is, we should not try and have a relationship with someone who is not interested in socializing with us. Nor should we begin a relationship by putting someone on a pedestal. If the relationship does not begin with everyone on equal footing, showing mutual interest in one another, it does not need to be “fought for”. Just let it go. Look for people who find you interesting and pleasant, people who are just as interested in you as you are in them.[66]
Even in a relationship of equals, where the other party has proven they are decent, it is important to establish boundaries. When relationships begin, we cannot afford to be “lovesick”. This happens often, and not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships, family relationships, and even work relationships.
Lovesickness is related to wanting to “win them over”. We are so desperate to make a good impression and receive praise that we will allow people to do things nobody else is allowed to do. We will do things we are not comfortable doing. Then, we feel we cannot take these permissions back. It is important to set he
althy boundaries from the onset, but even if you did not set boundaries, or you are not comfortable with your boundaries, it is never too late to redefine them.
It can help to sit down with someone and talk to them about the nature of your relationship, but you can also define your boundaries more casually. When they say something that offends you, you can ask them to please not say that around you, and maybe explain why. If they ask you to do something, you can always turn them down, no matter how many times you did it before. A normal person will respect your boundaries and aim to make you happy.
You should also encourage them to express themselves openly and make their own boundaries clear. If they look uncomfortable, ask why and try and avoid repeating your behavior. If they do not want to do something, make it very clear they do not have to. Create a healthy, communicative environment for your relationship to grow.
Establishing boundaries is not the same as building a wall! When we build walls, we are actively excluding people in the first place. We are sending out a message that we are not open to relationships. On the other hand, boundaries are established as the relationship progresses. A wall says, “I cannot be friends with a member of your faith”, a boundary says, “I would rather not discuss faith with you”.