Mine Until Morning

by Jasmine Haynes

  Cleo’s stomach dropped to the floor. “You heard what exactly?”

  “I heard what Phil said. He didn’t want me. He wanted his own kid.”

  Her heart broke for her daughter. Heidi had never said a word. “He was an asshole, Heidi.” She reached, but Heidi stepped back.

  “You’ve held it against me ever since.” Her bottom lip trembled and though her eyes glistened, the teardrops didn’t fall. She looked like the little girl Cleo missed so much.

  “No, Heidi.”

  “It’s true. I could never do anything right. You even yanked me out of public school because I wasn’t good enough.”

  Cleo threw up her hands in defense. “Wait, wait, wait. Private school and my so-called boyfriends have nothing to do with each other. I just didn’t like your friends there.”

  Heidi swiped at a tiny drop of moisture that tried to escape. “It started with Phil, and then you kept picking and picking. My friends weren’t right. My grades weren’t good enough. I didn’t study hard enough.”

  Four years ago. No, no, everything had gone wrong with freshman year. They had been fine before that. Or had they? Maybe Heidi was right. Maybe she’d been picking on her daughter long before. Cleo put a hand over her mouth. God. She was a rotten mom, because honestly, she couldn’t remember. 166

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  Both she and Heidi had taken a long time to get over Phil. Then she’d started the second job at the restaurant. And please, please, please don’t say she hadn’t noticed something was wrong or that she’d suddenly become hypercritical.

  “I’m sorry if you felt like I was picking. It was never your fault about Phil. And Walker’s leaving isn’t because of you, either.”

  “Then why?” Heidi whispered.

  Cleo didn’t know what to say. Because I was fucking him, and then I found out he was fucking a bunch of women and getting paid for it. God, no. She couldn’t say that. It would kill her to say that, even if it was the truth. But it wasn’t the whole truth. The problem wasn’t Walker’s morals; it was her jealousy. But what was she supposed to tell her daughter? A decent lie Heidi would believe just would not come to Cleo’s lips.

  “See, I was right.” Heidi shoved her hair behind her ear. “You don’t even know what to say.” She stepped through the bathroom doorjamb. “Do I have permission to walk to Viola’s instead of having you drive me?”

  She should have argued, but Cleo admitted she was beaten. After all, it was only three houses away. “Yes, you can go.”

  She was the worst kind of mother. She’d let her daughter believe she wasn’t good enough without even realizing what she was doing. She had no clue how to fix it.

  CLEO LEANED AGAINST THE KITCHEN COUNTER. THE YOGURT TASTED

  sour. She knew it was her and not the yogurt. “How could she think I was ashamed of her?”

  Ma shrugged as she ate her chicken pot pie at the dinner table. “Not too hard to understand. Boyfriend goes, you never bring another one home; ergo, you’re ashamed of her.”

  “Has she talked to you about it?”

  Her mother huffed. “If she had talked, you know I would have said something. She mumbles, and I don’t understand half of it. In one ear and out the other.”

  Ma was no help. “I’m so tired,” Cleo said, feeling her body slump against the counter and not being able to stop it.

  “Maybe you should just let Walker come back.” Ma waved her fork as if it were a magic wand. “Then Heidi would know he didn’t go because of her.”

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  “It’s not that simple.”

  Ma ignored her. “Plus we’d get the bathroom fixed.”

  Cleo rinsed out the yogurt cup and tossed it in the recycle bin. “I’m not going to use him just to get the bathroom done.”

  “Why not? Men love it when women use them.” Ma waggled her eyebrows. They needed plucking. “Especially if they get something out of it.”

  Sexual favors. Cleo already owed him. “Don’t be ridiculous. I can’t ask him to come back. There’s a lot of stuff you just don’t know and can’t understand.” And Cleo wasn’t telling.

  Ma played innocently with her chicken pot pie. “Oh, you mean like that he used to sleep with women for money?”

  Cleo heard a roar in her ears that could only be her blood shooting up to the boiling point. “What?”

  Ma smiled. “He told me.”

  Walker told her, but Cleo had to figure it out on her own? “My head hurts.” A blinding ache jabbed abruptly at her temples.

  “I went to see him this morning because you wouldn’t talk.”

  “Ma.” She gaped. “How could you?”

  “It was easy. I took the bus to Los Altos because that’s where he said he lived. Then I used a pay phone to have him come pick me up.” She tipped her head and pressed her lips together a moment. “I suppose I could have just called him from here, but I figured that if I was already close by, he couldn’t leave me stranded.”

  God, her mother was sneaky. How Ma got there wasn’t what Cleo meant, but how could she dare go behind Cleo’s back? What was the point in asking, though? Ma had always done what she wanted. “How’d you know his number?”

  Ma shot her a duh look. “He gave me his cell phone number so I could tell him when it was convenient to come over. I mean”—she held up her hands—“I wouldn’t want him showing up when I was naked in the shower or something.”

  Her mother was unbelievable. “I didn’t need you ragging on him on my behalf.”

  “I was ragging on my behalf. It’s awfully lonely watching soaps by yourself. He was company.”

  Her mother had never watched soaps. Okay, maybe General Hospital when they had the whole Luke and Laura thing going on. Cleo had been a baby at the 168

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  time, but Ma still talked about it.

  “All right,” she cut off Ma’s blathering, “aren’t you shocked and horrified at what he does for a living?”

  “It’s not a living. He’s rich from the stock market. He did it because he enjoyed making women feel good about themselves, attractive and desirable.”

  He’d certainly done that for Cleo. And he was rich? Well, she knew he was no slouch. “But Ma—”

  “If he was still in the business, I’d think about paying him myself.”

  “Ma,” she gasped. Okay, it was a horrible thought to even contemplate. “I can’t believe you’d so blithely accept this. I mean, he spent so much time with Heidi, helping with her homework.”

  “Get over yourself,” her mom snapped. “He was good to Heidi. He didn’t molest her.”

  “I didn’t mean that.”

  “He made her feel good about herself, too. Built her up, told her she was smart, never berated her if she got a problem wrong. So what if he did something in his private life that was a little different?”

  “A little different?” Cleo shook her head. “I can’t believe you’re defending him.”

  “I’m not defending him. I’m saying I don’t care about it, and I like him despite it. And if he’s decided he’s not going to do it anymore, then what’s wrong with him coming around here to see us?”

  “Because ...” There was something wrong with it. There just was. Ma put her fork down and turned serious. “Honey, I can truly understand that it would bother you if he was sleeping with a bunch of women, then coming home to you. I realize that would be tough.”

  Cleo couldn’t take that.

  “But it’s over. He’d rather have you. Doesn’t that mean anything?”

  Cleo clenched her fists until her nails dug into her palms. “I don’t know, Ma.”

  She dropped her voice to a whisper. “I’m afraid of getting hurt.” There. She’d admitted it.

  “Everyone is.”

  “I’m afraid Heidi will get attached, and she’ll get hurt, too.”

  “Life’s a lot of risks, Cleo. But what if you’re my age and your daughter’s moved
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  I’d given Walker a chance and it worked and I wasn’t alone for the rest of my life.”

  What if . . . God, she wanted a what-if. “But things with Heidi are so tenuous. I need to put all my energy into working on my relationship with her.” Cleo glanced at her watch. She had to leave in five minutes or she’d be late.

  “You and I had just as many problems when you were that age. We hated each other’s guts. But it all worked out. Do you hate me now?”

  “No, of course I don’t.” As much as she groused about the smoking and Ma’s irritating habits—Cleo had her own bad habits—she loved her mother.

  “You and Heidi will get over it. And everyone eventually gets over a broken heart, too. But we never get over the regrets we have for the road not taken.”

  Did Ma have regrets? Yeah. Sure. Everyone did. “I’m going to be late,” Cleo whispered, thinking about all the hours and evenings she was missing with Heidi because she had two jobs. She was sure she’d end up regretting the lost time.

  “Just think about it, okay?”

  “I’ll think.” She grabbed her purse, and was almost out the kitchen door before she turned. “Ma, have I picked too much on Heidi?”

  Ma flapped a hand. “I’m not one to say how much is too much. I picked and picked and you went out and got yourself pregnant anyway.”

  One had nothing to do with the other. She’d been in love. And she’d been stupid.

  Ma, however, was right about one thing. Cleo needed to think. About Heidi. About Walker. About the rest of her life and no regrets. 170

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  14

  YOU’RE AN IDIOT.

  Walker had to admit that Ma was a smart old bird. He was an idiot. He’d simply stepped into Cleo’s life, decided what she needed, executed the plan, and expected her to fall right in line.

  He honestly didn’t know if it was right or wrong not to tell her about his life as one of Isabel’s courtesans. But it was dumb. She was bound to ask him about those women eventually. Whether she could overlook his past or not, she deserved a better explanation than what he’d given her. She deserved to know that he had feelings for her.

  So Walker drove up to Bella’s for the end of Cleo’s shift and planted his butt on the trunk of her car to wait. He was five minutes early; she was five minutes late coming out.

  Damn if she didn’t look gorgeous in the pool of lamplight she stopped in when she saw him. She’d undone the bun she wore for work, and her hair tumbled past her shoulders. The black slacks molded to her hips; the blouse emphasized her perfect breasts. Despite the coolness of the night, she hadn’t put her jacket on.

  He waited with his heart clogging his throat. Until Cleo glanced over her shoulder as if she thought they were being watched from a window and finally came to stand before him.

  “I don’t want to talk here,” she said. “Take me for a drive.”

  At least she hadn’t told him to get lost.

  He opened his car door. She settled in silence. He flipped on the seat warmers, then took them out along Skyline instead of heading down the hill.

  “Find a spot,” she said, “so we can talk.”

  He knew a lot of spots, but none of them was for talking. Hell, he wasn’t going to think about that. He found what she was looking for, pulling to a stop in a copse of trees hidden from the road. Shutting off the lights and engine, he plunged them into darkness.

  “Ma said she came to see you.”

  He didn’t even consider how to explain it away. “I told her about who I am and what I’ve done.”

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  “Were you trying to get her on your side?”

  Slowly, his eyes adjusting to the light of the moon, he could see her, not her expression, just the grim outline of her jaw. “I didn’t want her to think any of this was your fault.”

  “Well, she’s definitely on your side.”

  “Funny, she told me I was an idiot.”

  Cleo laughed, cut it off quickly. “Join the club.”

  Yeah, Ma was outspoken, but she was right. “There were a few things I didn’t say last night.”

  “If you’re going to explain why you were with those women and how it made them feel good about themselves and all, it’s not necessary.”

  “That’s—”

  She held up her hand, painting a blank spot over her face. “It’s not my business, really. I made it sound like I was judging you, and that wasn’t my right.”

  “Cleo, I—”

  She rode right over him. “Ma said you’d decided not to do it anymore, and that’s not my right to ask for, either.”

  “Cleo, would you please shut up and let me say something?”

  Her lips slapped shut. “Sorry.”

  “I love you.”

  She didn’t say a word. He prayed for a full moon, but it was only a crescent. Okay, he needed to give her more. He owed her more. Total honesty. “I can’t undo who I am. I enjoyed it. I liked making women feel good.” He wanted to touch her so badly his hand shook. “But I loved making you feel good.”

  He thought he heard a sigh of breath, the creak of the leather on the car seat as she shifted. But still, not a word.

  “I want to start over with you. Pretend we’re just meeting, that this is the first time. And you are my one and only.” He’d beg if that would help. He just wasn’t sure it would. “If you can accept what I’ve done in the past and know that it’s over.”

  The dark moved as she put a hand over her mouth, made a noise he couldn’t be sure of.

  “I want to be with you, Cleo. And Heidi. And Ma.” Then he simply rushed on because silence was deadly. “I’ve waited a long time for a family. I thought I’d 172

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  lost my chance. But I want it with you.”

  He’d have thought he couldn’t hear a thing over the pounding of his heart, but one whispered word came through. “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  She reached out, touched his mouth with the tips of her fingers. “Why would you love me? I’ve been a pain in the ass the whole time.”

  “You’re sweet, kind, generous, loving, loyal.”

  “A Girl Scout?”

  He laughed a little shakily. “Far from it, thank God.”

  CLEO HAD SEEN WALKER OUT THERE IN THE PARKING LOT AND HAD no clue what he wanted to say or why he’d been leaning on the back of her car. But her heart had tripped over itself.

  Oh yeah, she’d done some thinking. That his way of life had been bad mostly because it made her feel as if she could never measure up. Heidi’s well-being had been an excuse. Cleo had never been good enough for a man in her life. It was kind of hard to figure she’d be good enough now. But she believed Walker. She believed he cared. She believed Ma, too, that sometimes the regret could be worse than the hurt. “I’m sorry about the awful things I said.”

  “They weren’t so awful, just true.”

  Honestly, she couldn’t remember exactly what she’d said last night. She only remembered the shock and pain and letdown.

  Plus the fact that she’d judged him harshly. “I was jealous of all those women.” She leaned closer, lowered her voice. “I always wondered about you, about them. You were the perfect date. I think I was probably jealous all along.”

  “You shouldn’t have been. The greatest pleasure of the evening was seeing you.”

  “It’s kind of a weird thing to think about. That women paid you.” She wondered briefly what it would be like to receive money.

  “It’s powerful for women, enhancing how desirable they see themselves.”

  She shook her head. “But they’re paying you. It’s like saying they’re not good enough.”

  “When men pay, we say the women are the sex objects, being used, and the men have all the power and thus the desirability.” He cocked his he
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  that true for women? In reality, when it’s really good, it works both ways, a mutual exchange of power.”

  She’d never thought of it that way. Probably because men always had the power. Or maybe that was just her skewed way of thinking because she’d always been a dumpee instead of a dumper. She’d had no power at all. Yet Lord, how she’d craved it.

  Walker reached for her hand, holding himself two inches away, and she realized he was asking permission. He’d stayed to his side of the car, waiting for her. Allowing her all the time she needed.

  She laid her hand in his, and she was sure she heard him let out a long breath.

  “That was the before,” he said. “This is the after. I don’t need power. I need you. Be my family, Cleo.”

  She didn’t cry at the drop of a hat. When Phil left, she’d given herself one good hour and cut it off. But Walker made her eyes ache with unshed tears.

  “Heidi and me, we’re a package, you know.”

  “I wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s as special as you are.”

  Oh God, she really was going to cry. “But she and I still have a bunch of problems to work out. Right now, she’s not speaking to me.”

  “Isn’t that part of growing up? The times you don’t see eye to eye with your parents? It doesn’t scare me away.” He dropped his voice. “Let me help. Even if it’s just to be there to hold you after another fight.”

  Except for Ma, no one had ever really been there for her. She wanted what Walker offered so badly, badly enough to risk her own heart. But could she risk Heidi’s?

  “This has to be for the long haul. Please don’t come into our lives and walk out six months later. I can’t let that happen to Heidi. She’s more important than anything, more important than my own feelings.”

  Walker put his hand to her cheek, stroked his thumb over her skin. “Despite my name, I don’t simply walk out. If I thought we couldn’t make this work, I wouldn’t have given up the life I had.”

  He was willing to change everything. For her. The momentousness of it terrified her. What if she was the one who couldn’t live up to his sacrifice?