Playground Cool

by Sinclair, Jamie

  ‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me sooner,’ Jen continued.

  ‘I know. I’m sorry. But look at how you reacted when I did tell you. You went mental.’

  ‘That’s because I remember the state you were in last time. Besides, you only told me because he rang you while I was there. What the hell were you thinking?’

  ‘I told you,’ Katie answered quietly, as if it were an effort to get the words out, ‘I wasn’t over him and when he appeared it was so easy to fall back into it.’

  ‘So what are you going to do now?’

  ‘Nothing. What can I do?’ She shrugged hopelessly. ‘He’s fucked me up again and I’ll have to pick myself up again.’

  ‘I assume the role of the supportive and understanding shoulder to cry on is to be filled by me? Jen asked, only half joking.

  ‘Of course,’ Katie answered, looking up, ‘I hope you don’t mind doing it all again. I’ll even try and listen to your advice this time. Promise.’

  ‘Yeah, until the next time some bastard wants to use you,’ she said despairingly.

  ‘I know you’re pissed off at me Jen, but can’t you just accept that I’m a hopeless case and take pity on me?’

  Jen’s expression brightened. ‘Oh I do pity you. But if you go near him again don’t bother running to me because this is the last time. If he’s the best you can do then you’d best stay in.’

  Katie laughed. ‘Thanks. Perhaps I should try to be more like you?’

  ‘Let’s not go mad,’ said Jen quickly, ‘We don’t want to go from hopelessly in love to loveless slag now do we?’

  ‘You just haven’t found the right bloke yet.’

  ‘Bollocks. There aren’t any right blokes, just more tolerable ones. As far as I’m concerned they’re good for one thing and they’re not even all good at that,’ she said scathingly.

  ‘You’re so anti-men aren’t you?’

  ‘Not at all,’ Jen said shaking her head, ‘Men are fine. I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life answerable to one.’

  ‘What if you loved him?’

  ‘Unlikely. I have issues with trust and I’m certainly not about to open myself up to the kind of grief you get. Between you and Rhia, it’s enough to put me off blokes altogether.’

  ‘Shit! I’d forgotten about her. Did she get back with her fella?’

  ‘Not yet, but she’s wishing she’d never left him now. Missing him like mad.’

  ‘So why doesn’t she go back then?’

  ‘Long and complicated story involving a total swine of a man, surprise surprise, and a confused woman,’ Jen explained.

  ‘Sounds familiar.’

  * * * * * *

  Rhia stretched out her arm and moved the switch on her alarm clock to off. It was due to wake her up in a couple of minute’s time but she’d been lying awake for the past hour, watching the red digital display change. It had been almost a week since her visit to the hospital and she was due back at Daniels and DeVie this morning. She’d fondly imagined that she’d be fine by now, physically and mentally. The hospital had said that she was okay but she’d spent the intervening days feeling sick and lethargic, the very thought of sharing her news made her want to hide under the covers forever.

  All in all, the last thing she felt inclined to do was get out of bed and go to work as if everything was roses and sunshine but, slowly and reluctantly, Rhia dragged herself upright and headed for the shower. A cup of strong coffee and two ibuprofen later, she was in the car and on her way to the office.

  At first she was totally unable to concentrate on any of the tasks that had piled up since she’d been off. Her attention constantly wandered back to Ben, her body serving as a constant reminder of the episode in the hospital and the grim inevitability that she must, if she were to salvage anything with Ben, tell him everything. Despite this, however, by mid morning Rhia had finally managed to lose herself in typing up a document for a presentation she was due to give that afternoon. She was running through the agenda for the meeting in her head as she typed, reminding herself of items to take with her.

  She stood up to use the photocopier and a bolt of pain shot through her abdomen causing her to grab the back of her chair for support. All thoughts of work left her in an instant. Her head swam and her legs felt as if they were about to go on strike. She slumped back into her chair and lowered her head on to the desk, too weak to manage the effort of keeping upright. She took a few deep breaths and closed her eyes, aching from the physical pain and miserable at the thought that things were going to get worse without any guarantee they’d get better.

  * * * * * *

  The following morning, Katie awoke in the spare bedroom at Jen’s flat. After seeing the state that her friend was in Jen had decided Katie should stay with her for a few days. She reasoned that since Katie would only end up ringing her every time she broke down in tears or needed to talk, it would save her having to traipse across town every time she was required.

  Katie rolled on to her front and buried her face in the pillow. In an ideal world she could stay in bed all day and feel sorry for herself without having to worry about bills or rent. In an ideal world though, a man she loved and trusted wouldn’t have played her for an idiot. Twice.

  Sighing, she hauled herself out of bed and went to see if Jen was up yet. She made them each a coffee before flopping on to the couch while Jen showered.

  ‘How you feeling?’ Jen asked when she appeared from her bedroom.

  ‘Coping,’ she smiled, ‘Just’.

  ‘You’ll be alright.’

  ‘I know. It’s just so hard not to think about him, you know?’

  ‘Are you going to work?’

  ‘No choice unfortunately. I don’t think a broken heart can be classed as a valid reason for having a day off.’ Katie stood up to get dressed.

  ‘It’ll probably do you good to go in. Keep your mind off him.’

  ‘Fingers crossed’.

  After spending an hour trying to make her hair less big and putting too much make-up on to try and cover the bags under her eyes, Katie rang a taxi to take her to work. After what seemed like an age stuck in the rush hour traffic, she finally entered the building and got in a lift to her floor. She was trying to stay positive and was planning to bury herself in work and not think about anything else. Least of all Dave. Today would be fine, just keep smiling and stay positive. It wasn’t the end of the world and if she needed her, Jen was just a telephone call away. With a deep breath, Katie strode confidently down the corridor towards her department.

  Chapter Sixteen

  ‘How was your first day back at work then?’

  It was the morning after Rhia had returned to work and she and her sister were sitting in the kitchen. Rhia gave no indication that she’d heard Fran’s question; she merely continued sitting at the counter in the kitchen, staring at the telephone.

  ‘Rhia. Do you want a coffee?’ Fran asked again, to no effect.

  She walked over to Rhia and placed a supportive hand on her shoulder before continuing. ‘You know that couple from next door? Well they’ve just jumped over my fence stark naked. God, now they’re shagging on my lawn. Oh no, my mistake, he’s throttling her with his bare hands. RHIA!’

  She jerked at the sound of her name being shouted, ‘Yeah. What?’

  ‘You love him don’t you?’ Fran sighed.

  ‘Who?’ Rhia replied innocently.

  ‘Right then.’ She grabbed Rhia’s arm and began dragging her towards the front door.

  ‘What the hell are you doing? Get off!’ she cried, struggling to free her arm.

  ‘I’m fed up with this. You’ve hidden in here long enough,’ Fran said angrily, picking up the car keys on their way down the hall.

  ‘Where are we going?’ Rhia asked, allowing herself to be pulled along more willingly.

  ‘Where do you think you stupid cow? We’re taking you to your own house and you’re going to sort this out with Ben.’

  She opened
the front door and they walked to the car.

  * * * * * *

  Ben slowly climbed out of the taxi from Steve’s house and walked into his own. He removed his shirt and threw it on the washing pile. Then he switched on the kettle and sat down to wait for it to boil. His appearance was a half step away from vagrant and he had a hangover. Despite this, he was happy and smiled as he remembered the previous night with his friends.

  * * * * * *

  ‘I’m not even wearing any make-up for Christ’s sake,’ Rhia protested, viewing herself in the passenger mirror.

  ‘If that turns out to be the deciding factor in whether this resolves itself, then we just get back in the car and go back to my house.’

  ‘But I’m wearing your old tracksuit pants and the vest I had on in bed. I haven’t even got a bra on for fuck’s sake. God, he’ll think I’m taking the piss. Oh, and I have the biggest hair!’ She wailed, pulling at her hair to try and stop it sticking out in all directions.

  ‘That’s your own fault for not drying it after you got out of the bath this morning.’

  ‘But, what…’

  ‘Rhia!’ Fran interrupted firmly, ‘Shut the fuck up and let me drive. He’s not going to care how you look.’

  ‘What if he’s not even in?’

  ‘That’s the chance you take with spontaneous decisions. But at least now something has a chance of happening. Right, we’re almost there.’

  * * * * * *

  Ben picked up his cup of coffee and the toast he’d made and headed towards the stairs. He’d decided to have a couple of hours in bed to sleep off his hangover and then spend the rest of the day tidying the house. He was halfway up the stairs when the doorbell rang. Grumpy at the unexpected visitor and annoyed at the effect of the ringing bell on his throbbing head, he turned to go and answer the door. He placed his plate of toast on one of the lower steps and opened the front door with his free hand.

  ‘You’re looking well.’ Rhia smiled broadly at the sight of him standing in the doorway with a mouth full of food, cup of tea in hand, topless and bleary eyed.

  ‘You too. Nice pants, new?’ Ben remarked calmly, his smile equal to hers, his eyes looking her up and down, taking in her tall, slender body, her long legs hidden by the unflattering tracksuit pants, but her small, round breasts displayed superbly in the tight white t-shirt she was wearing.

  The beeping of a car horn brought them both back to their senses.

  ‘Stop staring at each other and go in the bloody house!’ Fran shouted, pulling away. ‘Ring me if you need a lift back’.

  ‘Are you coming in?’ Ben asked with nervous excitement.

  ‘I think I’m coming home, if you’ll have me?’

  ‘Right then,’ he grinned as she followed him inside, ‘Help yourself to toast, there’s some on the step.’

  They laughed and leapt at each other, embracing tightly as much with relief as anything else.

  ‘Sorry I look such a mess,’ he apologised, ‘I was just on my way up to bed for a bit.’

  He looked embarrassed; he’d been over this moment in his head so many times since she’d left. He was always well dressed and knew exactly what to say, now the moment had arrived completely out of the blue, he was half naked and smelled like a pub.

  ‘You been out?’ She tried not to sound accusing but he didn’t miss it in her voice.

  ‘Only with Steve and some of the lads. They were trying to cheer me up. Steve’s idea.’

  Rhia nodded quickly in reply and looked around the room.

  ‘It’s a mess in here. I don’t know why but I thought it might be different somehow. I know it’s only a few weeks, but even so. Now I’m here it feels like I never…’ she stopped as she realised what she was saying.

  ‘But you did though. Leave I mean. In the middle of the night as I recall and without a single, solitary, bloody word of explanation.’ Ben was suddenly enraged and his face reddened, tears forming in his eyes. They were past the pleasantries now.

  She looked up at him from the couch. She’d dreaded this moment but knew it had to come if they were ever to be together again

  ‘I was confused. I knew you’d be upset but…’

  ‘I was a bit beyond fucking upset!’ He shouted, glaring down at her.

  ‘I didn’t know what to do for the best. We were arguing so much and I didn’t want us to end up hating each other.’

  ‘Well, I’m pretty sodding close to it now. Christ Rhia, what the hell were you playing at? I phoned and came round. I even turned up at your office but you weren’t bloody there.’

  She looked up at him, surprised.

  ‘You came to work? When?’

  ‘Last week. I’d had enough of Fran talking to me like I should be in prison, so I decided to come and make you talk to me. They said you were off sick. I went to Fran’s and she claimed she didn’t know where you were either.’

  Rhia said nothing but her mind was racing and she felt utterly sick. She was about to make the man she loved feel countless times worse and she’d no choice but to tell him. He didn’t deserve the pain, but he deserved the truth.

  ‘So, where the hell were you then?’ he asked again when it became clear that she wasn’t going to give out the information unprompted.

  ‘Come and sit down.’ She took a long, steady breath and reached out a hand to him. He took it and sat beside her on the couch.

  ‘First of all, I want you to know that, whether or not we get things sorted out; I have never stopped loving you and I have missed you like mad every day since I left.’

  Ben’s expression didn’t falter even for a second. He just continued to stare at her, his forehead creased into a frown and his eyes narrowed.

  ‘I felt that things were going wrong and I didn’t know how to stop it. Every time we talked we argued; you were drinking a lot and I…’ She paused, searching for the right words.

  ‘Don’t you dare try and blame this on me,’ he said quietly, ‘I don’t recall asking you to leave me. All I remember is waking up to a phone call from you, casually informing me that you’d run off to your sisters.’

  ‘I’m not blaming you, I just panicked. After you’d stormed off to bed that night I was sitting here and just couldn’t face coming to bed and you turning your back to me again. I was going over everything in my head and I couldn’t see a way forward so I just grabbed a bag and went. I never intended to be away so long. God Ben, I didn’t have any kind of plan, I just had to do something to try and change things.’

  ‘Well, you certainly managed that,’ he said with a half smile, though his eyes never lost their glare.

  They sat in silence for a few moments, both exhausted and drained as the initial rush of adrenalin from first seeing each other wore off. She’d managed to avoid answering his question so far, but she would have to tell him soon. The thought of it spurred her into movement.

  ‘Do you fancy a cup of tea?’ she asked, getting up and heading for the kitchen.

  Ben smiled and nodded. He sat in silence until she returned with the drinks.

  ‘Kitchen’s looking good.’

  ‘Yeah, I think it looks better like that.’

  ‘I’ll clean it later.’ Then she added, ‘If I’m here I will.’

  He looked at her more fully. She looked pale and as if she’d lost some weight. She placed her cup down on the table and as she sat back on the couch her left leg touched his right. She reached for his hand and he gave it.

  ‘God I’ve missed you,’ he said looking at her face. She looked tired, but to Ben she was at her most beautiful. He smiled a full smile, with his eyes, and made no attempt to conceal it from her. She smiled back, noticing his weary features.

  ‘I’m so sorry Ben,’ she said as he leaned forward to close the gap between them and kissed her lips. She responded and felt his free arm move around her back to pull her closer. It felt good. It felt right.

  ‘That was familiar,’ she said as they parted.

  ‘Familiar good or famili
ar take it or leave it?’

  ‘Familiar come here and do it again,’ she said, pulling him towards her and lowering herself on to the couch.

  Within seconds Ben’s hands were tugging at her clothes as she ran her fingers through his hair and down his back, reminding herself of him. He in turn twisted strands of her long blonde hair around his fingers, his free hand caressing her cheek, then down over her breasts, sliding the vest up to expose her. She gasped for breath, loving the intensity of the moment, realising how much she needed this to happen. His hand moved to her tracksuit pants and began to work his way inside them. Instantly, Rhia snapped back to what she had to tell him. She couldn’t sleep with him, not until he knew, then he could decide.

  ‘Hey you,’ she said grabbing his hand and sitting up slightly, ‘you’re keen.’

  ‘Funny that,’ he replied, continuing to fondle her exposed breasts with his free hand.

  ‘I don’t think we should though.’ She smiled weakly. ‘Not until we’ve sorted things out a bit.’

  Ben took a moment to register and then looked disappointed and frustrated.

  ‘You’re joking? Bloody hell.’ He sat up and took his cup of tea from the table. ‘I don’t see you for weeks and when you do come back I’m not allowed to touch you. This just keeps on getting better.’

  She took a deep breath and stood up, then walked over to the window and looked out into the street.

  ‘It’s not that,’ she said quietly.

  ‘You what?’

  ‘It’s not that.’

  ‘So what? You’ve gone off me? You’ve met someone else? What?’

  For an instant she was going to take the opportunity he’d unwittingly offered her to tell him everything, but the courage still wasn’t there.

  ‘No. Don’t be stupid.’ She paused. ‘You know that day you came to see me at work and I was off sick?’

  He was suddenly concerned and sat up on the couch.

  ‘Yeah,’ he said slowly.

  ‘Well, I was in the hospital.’ There was no going back now.

  ‘Oh my God Rhia. What’s wrong? Is this why you left? You only had to say.’