Playground Cool

by Sinclair, Jamie

  Five minutes later, they were seated at their table, looking out over the Bridgewater canal next to the Merchants Bridge.

  ‘Did that Rhia ever get herself sorted with her fella then?’ Katie asked as a waiter brought a bottle of wine to their table.

  ‘I haven’t seen her for a couple of weeks but I spoke to her the other day. Apparently things have gone totally tits up. She finally told her bloke everything, the affair, the baby and he went berserk, no surprise there. Then the bloke she had the affair with found out about the baby as well and he hit the roof too.’

  ‘Nightmare,’ Katie said, her eyes wide, thankful for what she had with Jack.

  ‘I feel sorry for her, but it’s her own stupid fault. Either way, she’s going out of her mind trying to get him to take her back but apparently he’s not having it.’

  ‘No wonder you don’t want a bloke. With friends like us, you might have the right idea after all.’

  ‘Nah, you’re sorted with Jack. Fair enough, maybe they aren’t all a waste of space, but I haven’t met anyone yet who’s made me want to change my mind.’

  ‘But you might if the right bloke came along?’ Katie suggested hopefully.

  Jen smiled, ‘Mmm, perhaps.’ She dismissed it with a shrug and changed the subject to ask more about Jack’s new job, while they eagerly worked their way through their main courses; Spinach, feta cheese and roasted peppers in filo pastry for Katie, chicken filled with mozzarella in smoked pancetta for Jen.

  Finally, almost two hours later, Katie found her way home. She was just putting her key in the door when her mobile phone began to ring inside her bag; its noise amplified by the silence that came with the lateness of the hour. The screen said that the caller’s number was being withheld but she assumed it would be Jack.

  ‘Hiya, why’re you hiding your number?’

  ‘Because I didn’t think you’d answer if you knew it was me.’

  Katie froze in the doorway, her free hand still holding the key in the lock.

  ‘What the bloody hell do you want?’ She managed after a stunned pause.

  ‘To talk.’

  ‘Hello,’ she responded sharply, now over the initial surprise, ‘this is Dave isn’t it? The total knob who made a habit out of humiliating me and making me feel like shit.’

  ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘What? No!’ She had a thought. ‘Dave, where are you?’

  ‘Parked down the street. I’ve been here hours waiting for you to come back.’

  ‘How did you know I was out?’ Katie was at a loss; this conversation was becoming increasingly strange and she was growing anxious. She instinctively turned to face the road and looked left and right to see if he was there.

  ‘I let the phone ring in your flat for two minutes solid.’

  ‘I might not have even come back tonight though,’ she reasoned, still peering at the lines of cars from her vantage point on the doorstep.

  ‘Chance I took I suppose. I knew you’d turn up sooner or later.’

  ‘You’re fucking nuts, Dave. Fuck off and leave me alone.’

  ‘I want to talk to you. Please Katie.’ He was trying the sincere tone that she recognised only too well.

  ‘Which bit of fuck off don’t you get?’ She was angry and getting upset.

  ‘Five minutes, please. Then I’ll go.’

  ‘Just go anyway. There’s nothing I want to hear from you.’

  ‘Then why are you still talking to me?’ He asked suddenly.

  ‘I’ll just put the bloody phone down now then you shit. Don’t phone me again or…’

  ‘Sorry, sorry,’ he interrupted, ‘Don’t cut me off. I’ll just keep ringing.’

  ‘What’s six inches long and goes dead in your hand?’

  ‘You what?’ He didn’t understand.

  Katie ended the call suddenly and smiled at the thought of him cursing her name into his phone. Seconds later the ringing began again, this time his number flashed on the screen. She cut him off immediately only for him to try again in an instant.

  ‘Fuck off you stalker!’ She hissed, dashing inside then slamming the door behind her.

  ‘Then talk to me. Five minutes.’

  With a single loud sigh she re-opened the front door. ‘Two minutes. On the step, and tomorrow I’m changing my number.’

  She spotted Dave approaching and sat down on the top step to wait. He looks nervous. He smiled at her before opening the gate and slowly walking up the path, then stopped about ten feet away and looked unsure how to begin.

  ‘Well?’ She demanded, immediately noticing, even in the darkness, that he was pale and tired, almost dishevelled when compared to his normally immaculate appearance.

  ‘How are you?’

  ‘You haven’t been lurking outside my flat just to ask me that have you? God Dave. Besides, not only do you not give a shit how I am, it’s none of your business.’

  ‘You been out?’

  ‘Not really prepared in advance were you?’ She replied sarcastically. She was enjoying watching him squirm; like a naughty child that knows it has done wrong. However, as two minutes became five and began to look more like ten, Katie found herself becoming more and more intrigued as to what he might want.

  ‘Sorry,’ he tried again, ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘How I feel about you.’

  ‘Times up, good night,’ she said, springing from the step. She didn’t want to have this conversation and intended to stop it before it went any further.

  ‘I’m still in love with you Katie,’ he ventured. ‘I know you don’t want to hear it but it’s true. Look at the state of me. I can’t sleep for thinking about you. I’m a mess.’

  ‘You do look rough,’ she agreed, ‘but it’s not my problem.’

  ‘Michaela’s gone,’ he announced as Katie began to swing the door to a close, ‘She left last week.’

  ‘What?’ She was surprised and paused. ‘She’s left you? Or is she just on holiday again?’

  Dave smiled sheepishly and looked down at his feet. ‘I know there’s no reason why you should believe me after what I’ve done to you. But it’s true, honestly Katie. I was scared of getting too involved with you but I realised how important you were when I couldn’t fill the gap you left.’

  ‘If you didn’t want to be so involved you shouldn’t have asked me to move in,’ she fumed.

  ‘I know, I know.’ He stood silently, his big guns evidently running low on ammunition.

  ‘Oh Dave.’ She heaved a sigh. ‘This is too much too take in now.’

  ‘I know and I’m sorry, I’d better go, life’s too short to spend it all fighting anyway.’ He turned to leave.

  Katie was confused and surprised by his sudden change of tack and called him back.

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter Katie. You’re right I shouldn’t have bothered you. I’m a selfish, arrogant arse.’

  ‘Hang on Dave. Are you okay?’ She was beginning to fear he might be having some kind of breakdown.

  ‘Yeah fine. I don’t want to hurt you anymore that’s all. I thought I could make things better but I just seem to keep making things worse.’

  ‘Stop being such an annoying sod and tell me what’s up,’ she demanded angrily. ‘There’s no point getting my attention just to walk away now is there?’

  He turned to face her and when he looked up she was amazed to see water in the rims of his eyes.

  ‘You know my mum? Well, she’s not too clever at the moment.’ A tear escaped from his right eye. ‘In fact, she’s pretty fucking crap.’

  Instinctively Katie went to him and wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight while he did his best to regain some composure. There, on the path, Dave explained how his mother had been having really bad headaches recently and then, two days ago, she’d collapsed in Tesco bending over an open freezer to get a bag of oven chips.

  ‘They reckon she’s had a stroke. She can’t
talk or anything. Dad’s in a right state.’

  Katie continued to comfort him, unsure what to say after a story like that, although she no longer felt comfortable being so close to him, despite feeling sympathetic towards him and his family.

  ‘Look Dave,’ she said, pulling away, ‘I’m really, really sorry. But I don’t know what you hoped would happen tonight.’

  ‘Nothing I suppose. It’s just made me realise what’s important. Michaela wasn’t right for me. Things weren’t working out at all. She left last week but I’ve hardly noticed the difference. Now, with mum in hospital, I haven’t given her a second thought.’

  ‘Oh, you poor thing. It must be awful.’

  ‘I still love you Katie, I know that now…’

  ‘I still have feelings for you too, of course I do,’ she admitted, surprising herself in doing so, old emotions nudging their way into prominence. ‘But I can’t do this now. Look, I’ve got to go.’

  ‘Can I call you then?’

  ‘Erm. Oh shit. Yeah fine then, call me. On my mobile though.’

  She closed the door before he could say anything else and leant back against it, suddenly exhausted. Finally, she dragged herself up to her flat in a state of bewilderment. Just as she’d started to think she was over Dave, that she’d moved on, he’d come back. Inside the flat she saw the red light of the answering machine flashing in the dark. She pressed play and listened as Jack’s voice asked how her night had been and that she ring him when she got in.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Ben rolled over and opened his eyes to look at the digital display on the radio alarm next to his bed, the daylight of another Monday morning peeping through the crack in the curtains. He’d always been terrible at getting up, especially on Mondays when he’d spent the previous two days lying in bed until midday. Despite this, he was in a good mood because he’d thoroughly enjoyed himself with Em the night before. Although they’d only been to see a film, it felt good to be out with someone who’d become a real friend in a fairly short space of time.

  He switched the alarm setting to off to prevent the instant shock of the awful buzzing sound from ruining his peaceful frame of mind. He then sat up and, his mind picking up speed for the day ahead, pushed thoughts of Rhia from his mind as best he could. He had his emotions pretty much under control at the moment but she always crossed his mind first thing in a morning and he missed her. With a resigned sigh, Ben went downstairs to switch the kettle on and collect the newspaper from the doormat.

  He ambled downstairs on heavy feet that were still half asleep and not fully under his control. He scooped up the paper and found a couple of letters underneath. The first was a bill and the other was a plain white envelope with no postmark. The sole word written on the front, in Rhia’s handwriting, was his name.

  His head clearing with each step, he moved quickly to the kitchen, flicked the kettle on and tore open the envelope, full of anticipation, and some fear, at what she might have written. Inside he found three small sheets of letter paper, each page numbered with a circled digit in the top right corner. He sat down, oblivious to the boiling kettle, and began to read.

  Dearest Ben,

  Sorry sorry sorry!!! There, got it out of the way. This is the first letter I’ve written with a pen for ages, weird that it should be to you of all people eh? If nothing else, I hope you read this, because I mean every word of it.

  I can’t believe that me and you have come to the point where we can’t even talk anymore. I feel like I’m missing a part of me and it’s horrible. I never thought I’d hear you say some of the stuff you’ve called me lately, you were so mean the other day. I hated seeing you like that, and I still can’t believe that my Ben chucked me out.

  I know you won’t ever forgive me for what I did with Steve, and I wouldn’t either if you’d done it to me. God, I can’t even imagine you going near anyone else, the thought of it scares me shitless to be honest. Anyway, I know it was a bloody stupid thing to do and I know I can’t take it back. But if nothing else believe that I adore you totally.

  If you think back, we were going nowhere as a couple. We were fighting all the time, your fault as much as mine, and we were driving each other mad. I know that’s no excuse for what I did, but I had to do something. Perhaps if you’d made some effort to stop me, or asked where the hell I was, I might not have done it. WHY DIDN’T YOU ASK ME WHERE I WAS ALL THOSE NIGHTS??? I nearly told you so many times; I was sort of hoping you would find out, just to get a reaction. Daft I know, but there it is.

  Fran hates me by the way. She’s done a complete u-turn regarding you. She thinks you must be mad to have ever gone near me, so that’s a turn up for the books eh? Looks like I’ve pissed everyone off. Even Steve had a right go at me. I thought it was funny that you hit him; good to know you can react sometimes. It takes a lot to do it though!!

  Perhaps I’d better not go on about him anyway; after all I’m trying to convince you how nuts about you I truly am. I am by the way, nuts about you. Are you still reading this or have you chucked it in the bin? I hope not, this isn’t easy to write!

  I’ve been trying to tell you this for days. I wanted to tell you when I came round that day but you were so angry. I don’t blame you for throwing me out, I’m quite surprised you didn’t flatten me, but then you’re so gentle aren’t you?

  I know how you feel about having kids and being a dad, and I know nearly all the fights were about that. But what I was trying to tell you was that yes, I booked time off work to have an abortion and I did go to the hospital. But I couldn’t do it Ben, I just couldn’t. I made a bit of a fuss actually, they thought I might need counselling; me all over I suppose. Trouble is, now I’m stuck. I love you totally but I’m carrying someone else’s child.

  God, I’ve just read what I’ve put and I wouldn’t be impressed if I was you. I don’t half ramble a lot don’t I? I keep repeating ‘I know’ too. I suppose you’ve spotted that already, you know what a pain in the arse you are for correct spelling and stuff.

  So, as things stand now, you hate me. Fair enough, but you’ve got to admit, we were ‘it’ for a while there babes. What the fuck happened to us eh? I know one thing, I’d like to try and get it back, if you want to. I know I hurt you, but I was angry and you just kept pushing me away, until I went. I know it’s not an excuse; I just want you to understand that you’re not totally blameless in all this.

  Anyway, that’s it. I’m so sorry for what happened, but I just want to make it right. I’ll do whatever it takes, if you’ll just give me a chance and we could be a family like you wanted. I’m not going to give up on you, this is too important to me. I love you to pieces and want you to see how much. Please believe me and give me a chance to prove it to you. I’ll be ringing you so it would be nice if you answered, we need to talk without falling out.

  Love you,

  xxxRhiaxxx

  PS Ring me when you get this if you like, or anytime. Please.

  Ben lowered the letter until the hand holding it was touching the kitchen counter. He was amazed that she’d do such a thing, he’d never imagined her saying such things and was already re-reading certain lines. She’s still got the baby. She’s still pregnant. Also, it seemed he had the chance to take back the woman he loved so much, and to be a father to a child. In his current frame of mind, however, Ben couldn’t see any way that he could bring up, or love, someone else’s baby, especially Steve’s; no matter how much he longed for a family.

  He was also left feeling angry, this time not so much at what she’d done. Now he was angry because what she’d written was right, they had been special. Their relationship had been fantastic in places. Rhia had been his best friend as well as his girlfriend and he’d come to think that he’d be growing old with her. Then they’d started to fall apart, wanted different things from each other and from their life together. He’d pushed as hard as she had for what he wanted until, finally, she’d left him and now they’d come to this, unable to speak to each other f
or fear of fighting and hurting each other more.

  He placed the letter back in the envelope, folding it along the same lines she’d used, and placed it in the top drawer in front of him. He was desperate to speak to her now, but realised that he needed to be sure or else they’d get nowhere. He had to believe her and to know, in his own mind, if he could forgive her for what she’d done to him.

  Chapter Thirty

  ‘Good luck.’

  ‘Oh thanks. I thought you might ring.’

  ‘Are you excited?’

  ‘More nervous than excited really. I haven’t had a proper job before. Not a career type job with a big company like J.D. King.’

  ‘You’ll be fine. Think of the money. What time are you meant to be there?’

  ‘Quarter to nine to meet the gaffer, then I’ll be sent off for training for the rest of the week. I get to finish early though since I won’t have any clue what I’m doing.’

  ‘Brilliant. I’ll make you a special tea to celebrate your first day.’

  Katie had telephoned Jack to wish him luck for his new job, which he was starting in just over an hour. It was half past seven on a Monday morning and the weather had changed dramatically from the warm summer sunshine they’d basked in over the weekend to more typical cloud and light drizzle. Jack commented on the difference as he looked out of his bedroom window.