Pray for Us Sinners

by Marilyn L. R. Hall

  Eventually it was evening and Jack was suddenly hungry. They hadn’t eaten all day. He jumped out of bed and was dressed in a flash. “Come on! Come on, Sugar! Let’s go to Gertie’s and get us a sausage sandwich!” He went to the wardrobe “What you want to wear?”

  Rose sat up in bed and was immediately overwhelmed with nausea and no matter how she tried she couldn’t stop the gagging and retching that ensued.

  Alarmed, Jack rushed to her side. “We don’t have to eat sausage!” His eyes told the confusion he was feeling. “A bowl-a chili, maybe. O … Well, shit!” he cried with exasperation, “Gert don’t serve nothin’ that ain’t swimmin’ in grease!”

  Rose would have liked to laugh but she couldn’t stop retching. Jack helped her out of bed and into the bathroom where she tried to relieve herself of whatever caused the heaves, but there really wasn’t anything in her stomach. The only thing she’d eaten since Jack left two and a half days ago was one old dry biscuit!

  Jack was getting scared. “Rose Sharon, what’s the matter with you? Do you need a doctor?” He started for the door. “I’m gonna get Viola. She’ll know what to do.”

  But Rose called him back. She had to tell him now. That is if her stomach could settle long enough for her to talk. She sat near the edge of the bed, letting her feet dangle over the side and holding a pillow tight against her stomach. The retching gradually subsided as she willed herself calm, and as soon as she was able, she reached for his hand and pulled him down beside her. Jack’s arms slid round her and her fear ebbed slowly away. They sat like that in silence for a while and she didn’t want to ever move out of the circle of his arms.

  Eventually, though, he turned her to face him. “Rose, I’m gonna see you get to a doctor tomorrow. You scare the shit out of me when you get sick. It ain’t like I can’t afford to pay a doctor, now.”

  Rose sighed deeply and plunged into her story. “It’s nothing to worry about, Jack.”

  “Well, I think different. I think I want to worry about it.”

  She tried again. “I’ve been tryin’ to tell you all day, Hon,” and then she paused and got lost for a while in his fantastic eyes. When she could see her silence was starting to annoy him, she blurted out, “We got us a baby started inside-a me.”

  Jack’s expression didn’t change but there was a tremor that passed through him and ended right in Rose’s heart. She felt that awful dread settle down on her again and somehow it was cutting her off from him.

  His voice was quiet and calm. “How do you know that, Rose? For sure, I mean?”

  “Lots of things, Jack. A woman just knows.”

  She felt nervous and testy and it came through in her voice. “You can just take my word for it, Jack. I got your baby in me.”

  Jack’s arms were still around her and his hands were clasped together holding her tightly and she felt his arms stiffen and then move still closer about her. His voice was soft and his lips brushed her hair. “I never wanted any babies, Rose. All I ever wanted was you.”

  She twisted in his arms and pulled his head down to hers. Her mouth opened upon his and she kissed him with fearsome desperation. “Please don’t say nothing you cain’t take back, Jack. Please don’t. It will take a little gettin’ used to, is all. It ain’t nothin’ we cain’t work out. It’s my baby, Jack. And it’s your baby. It’s gonna be more for us to love—that’s all.”

  He didn’t pull away from her physically but she sensed his leaving her in a way that was even more terrifying.

  “I don’t want a baby, Rose. I never did want a baby. I never will want a baby. All I want is you!”

  She rested against him in silence, putting words together in her head, and then she took a deep breath before she finally spoke again. “All I ever wanted was you, Jack.”

  She felt his body relax against her and then he started laughing. “Well, shit then, Sugar! There’s no problem. All we got do is get rid of it!”

  It took a moment for what he was saying to sink in, and when it did Rose’s heart fell into the pit of her stomach and a weird weakness overtook her so that she just crumpled onto the bed, bringing Jack’s body down with her. He seemed to realize her disintegration as he let go of her and raised up to look into her face. But she closed her eyes so she wouldn’t have to look at him.

  “A baby is a gift from God” she whispered. “You cain’t just ‘get rid’ of it.”

  Jack wrapped his hand in her hair and jerked her head hard, so she had to open her eyes and look at him, and that time his voice was as hard as stone and as cold as death.

  “A baby is a piece-a shit that happens when a man f----s a woman, Rosy” His anger was so fierce it seemed obscene and Rose started to feel sick again. The retching that followed seemed to disgust him and he let go of her hair and rolled across her to the other side of the bed and got off. She didn’t move from where he left her but she listened to him throwing things around in the kitchen and pacing the floor. She was so afraid! She had never been more afraid. Not even on that day Papa beat on her so badly she figured she was done for. At least back then she knew that even if she died, Jack loved her and would never forget her. Now she knew she was losing Jack and that was so much worse than dying.

  Rose tried to get out of bed, but her nausea was so bad by then she couldn’t move at all. Not even to turn over, so she lay on her side while her body tore itself up with all its gagging and retching that wouldn’t stop. Tears came now too, so violently that her sobs rivaled the retching in jerking her body around. Between sobs and gagging, she whispered Jack’s name like a prayer, loving him back into her arms—but he didn’t come.

  Finally she heard the door slam and knew he was gone. “Oh please, not forever, Lord!”

  When hours had passed and her body had at last quieted and become still, she left her bed and went into the kitchen. She couldn’t see what he’d thrown around. Everything seemed in its place, and only his coat and hat were gone. But that was all he needed. He spent days at a time on the job and never took anything but his hat and coat. She felt panic coming on. Hysteria. What would she do if he never came back!

  She ran to the window and tried to see if the car he drove was in the street. There were lots of cars there, but from her place looking down on them, all heaped with piles of snow, she couldn’t tell which, if any, was the one his boss let him drive.

  “Well,” she said aloud just barely keeping herself from screaming, “I just cain’t stand this.” She couldn’t bear being alone in those two rooms. Before she went entirely to pieces, she’d better get dressed and go somewhere. Leo’s … maybe he could help her. She had to go somewhere. In a fit of fear she ran to the bedroom and frantically searched for her clothes. Where had she put them? She’d taken them off somewhere in that room. Why couldn’t she find them? Eventually she had located her things and was almost dressed, having only her shoes left to slip into, when suddenly he was there in the room with her. In her panic she hadn’t heard the door open or close. Now, at the sight of him her relief was so immense she got dizzy and felt herself sliding down toward the floor but then Jack’s arms were there and she sank into them.

  She couldn’t stop the tears that started anew and so he held her to him and let her down gently onto the bed. “Jack, don’t leave me! Please don’t ever leave me again. I cain’t live if you leave me. I don’t even want to live if you leave me,” she pleaded with him and clung to him and he let her.

  Jack didn’t talk at all, but Rose didn’t care. Or even notice really, because his arms held her and his mouth kissed her and his hands caressed her and he loved her ... again and again that night after they both got undressed and back into bed, until at last she slept tucked under his arm and in perfect peace.

  When she awoke she couldn’t believe her good fortune. After such a horrendous beginning he was with her again. Everything was going to be all right after all. She knew he’d get used to the idea of a baby once the shock wore off. It was just that so many years had passed without one. He
just hadn’t expected it, hadn’t been prepared for it, any more than she was. But now everything was going to be okay. Thank you, Jesus! She twisted under his arm and her body thrilled at the touch of his and then he was awake. She let him roll her over and kiss her again. When he raised his head at last his dazzling blue eyes dug into hers and his precious mouth smiled down at her.

  But there was something different about it … about his eyes and his smile. She couldn’t name it but it made her wary.

  “Rose Sharon, I gotta talk serious to you.”

  Rose felt her hair stand on end. Yesterday’s awful dread was crowding her again.

  “I did a lot of thinking last night after I left you. You know Rose, I love you more than my own life. There ain’t nothing or nobody I want other than you. And if it comes to giving you up—it will be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do”

  His words were terrifying her.

  “But if you ain’t willing to get rid of that thing growing inside you … growing between us … I’m leavin’ you. And I’m leavin’ you this morning.” His voice cracked, and she wondered if this was harder for him than he made it sound.

  “Oh cry, Jack Nash!” She screamed inside. “Cry with shame for killin’ me!” And she reached for him and clasped both hands around his arm.

  “I cain’t let you leave me, Jack. I couldn’t live without you. You might just as well go on and shoot me, because I’ll die without you!”

  He studied her beautiful face. He didn’t want to give up that face. “I meant it when I said I never wanted any babies. I don’t aim to make any compromises with that.” He swallowed hard and blew out a breath, knowing what he had to say was not going to make her happy. “I went and saw Della last night.” He watched her face screw up with disgust.

  “That prostitute?”

  “Yeah, Della from across the alley. Shit, Rose, I didn’t go for that! But I know whores know where to go to get rid of babies so I asked her to come over here this morning and take you to whoever does that for the girls she knows. When she gets here you better go with her. If you don’t Rose, you and me are done. I’ll walk out that door and I’ll never come back.” He loosed her hand from his arm and touched her belly, “It’s that baby, Rose. That baby you don’t even know, or me. It’s all up to you. You ain’t gonna have both of us. I promise you that.”

  Rose stood up. “How could you just leave me? No matter what you did, I couldn’t leave you.”

  “I don’t want you to have that baby, Rose. I don’t want some squalling brat suckin’ on your tits or hangin’ on your skirt or takin’ up your time! You are mine! Every part of you belongs to me. All your love belongs to me. I ain’t gonna share you with nobody!”

  “But it wouldn’t be like that. It would be your child. That’s part of you, Jack—it’s part of me! We’d be a family!”

  “Family? Dammit, Rose Sharon! What would either of us want with a family? What has either of us ever got from our families except grief and hell. Families are just excuses to abuse one another. No thanks, Rosy. I don’t want a family. I’m up to here with family. I want you. All by yourself. Nothing extra. Nothing “growing inside.” Just you, Rosy. Make up your mind!”

  Rose was frantic again. “You cain’t leave me. You want me as bad as I want you—I know you do! You cain’t just turn that off and go away. You’d go crazy same as me!”

  Jack reached out and took her wrists in his hands. “You’re right, Rosy. My body hurts already just thinkin’ about losin’ you. My heart will probably bust a thousand times and I might even cry every night and I will, sure as hell, whenever I hear one of those songs you go around singing all the time. And most likely when there comes one of those shiny autumn days or some big fat snowflakes drifting down out of this dirty-gray sky or when those long purple shadows start stretching across the road in the evening—” he narrowed his eyes and took a deep breath.

  “There’s a hell of a lot we got to remember each other by—but I guarantee you, Sugar, I’ll dry my eyes and I’ll move on, cause I ain’t gonna put up with you having babies. There ain’t no ifs, ands or buts about that. I want you to understand that what I say is for sure, so there’s no confusion about what my meanin’ is. I’m gonna say it slow and easy one time, Rose, so listen to me good!”

  That was when he stopped talking for a long moment and just stared hard into her eyes. “Rose, I’m leavin’ you this morning if you don’t go with Della to that doctor. And I swear to God, I’ll never be coming back”

  Plainly, as far as he was concerned, there was no more to be said. Jack let go of her wrists and went about collecting his clothes. He emptied his bureau drawer with both hands, and raked his pants and shirts and jackets out of the wardrobe onto his arm and dumped them carelessly onto the bed. Then in a panic, Rose found her robe to cover her nakedness—it was new and even as terrified as she was, she took some time to feel its richness and admire its beauty—it was such a soft green chenille that Jack had surprised her with on Valentine’s Day. Then, with her breath coming in sharp gasps, she followed him around the room, so close she kept bumping into him, while he picked up this and that odd sock and underwear and tossed them into the same old yellow suitcase they’d carried to Chicago together a little more than 3 years ago.

  Had Rose not been in shock she would never have been able to bear such a scene as was being played out in front of her eyes, but through the Mercy of God a sort of bright fog came over her, maybe something like the fog Flora lived in, and it somehow took her mind away from her body so that even as she watched Jack throwing his clothes into the suitcase she could look at herself standing close-by watching him. And since her mind wasn’t anywhere near her body, she wasn’t able to think about the dying that was taking place or even to react to it.

  Jack was packing and dressing at the same time. Rose watched his comfortably familiar naked body slowly disappear under layers of clothing and even in the dullness of her lost mind, she realized the same thing was happening to her marriage. And her life. Without mercy or remorse Jack was taking everything away ... didn’t he know he was killing her?

  Rose watched herself follow him around the room, even once or twice picking up something to place tenderly inside his suitcase. And when she did that, the real Rose saw Jack’s head jerk up and his eyes study the face of the empty Rose who stood beside him. But he didn’t say anything or touch her, and she just kept following him around. From the bathroom he took all his personal stuff, his shaving cup and brush, his razor and toothbrush and the pretty-smelling aftershave that she loved.

  Finally when he was satisfied that he had everything that belonged to him, he pushed the empty Rose aside and went into the kitchen. She followed blindly behind him. Jack turned at the door to take one last look around, then he sat his suitcase on the floor, slipped into his sheepskin-lined jacket and the fur hat he’d been wearing on his new job instead of the cap with the ear flaps, and pulled Rose into his arms one final time. As he did that, the real Rose left her mystical realm and flew back inside her body. She melted into him, willing him back to her but he was not responsive. “I’m gonna wait down in Leo’s store. Della will be up here shortly.”

  He let go of her long enough to reach for his wallet. She still clung to him. He removed some bills and held them in one hand while he replaced the wallet in his pocket.

  Then she saw for the first time something that looked like fear in his expression though it was gone in an instant and he grabbed her hand, “This is enough to pay the doc.” He laid it on her palm and folded her fingers over it. “When Della comes, you go with her. She’ll take you there and see you get home again. She says there’s nothin’ to it, Rose. You won’t even know what’s happening. You’re not far enough along to have any trouble, she says.” His mouth was tight, his lips were dry. “When it’s all over, I’ll be waiting here for you, and everything will be just the same as it always was. You hear me, Sugar? I’ll be right here waiting when you get back.” He held her tight against h
im, her head tucked under his chin and he didn’t move or talk again for a long time. Just held onto her and let the familiar loving feelings warm them both.

  She hadn’t argued with him, and he hoped that meant she was ready to do what he wanted. But he dreaded the actual question so he avoided asking it.

  “I’m gonna wait at Leo’s like I said. If I don’t see Della in half an hour, I’ll come back up here and wait for you.” Then his voice caught on something in his throat and got real husky sounding. “But if Della comes to tell me you ain’t goin’ to the doctor…” He moved a little away from her, still keeping her in his arms, looking down at her, those bright blue eyes lingering extra-long in their appraisal—studying her face in case it was for the last time.

  Then his mouth was on hers and his kiss and her response were both passionate and desperate and neither of them wanted to let it end. But everything ends, and Rose at last had to loosen her hold on her husband as he loosened his on her. With a final hopeful flash of grin, Jack Nash walked out of the room and shut the door forever on their life together.

  Because Rose couldn’t kill his baby.

  She listened as his footsteps moved away from her and down the back stairs—she heard the door to Leo’s store open and close while a fearsome panic—a desperate panic was growing inside her. She knew she was close to madness and at any second might plunge over the edge.

  All at once the room was too small for her. She needed to break out of it. To run down the stairs and out into the street. But she knew already that even the street wouldn’t be wide enough or long enough to free her. Where could she go? She needed to soar up and away above the street, above the city into the sky! But even the sky was too small to hold her grief! Where was there space enough to lose all this agony? All this pain? By then she was shaking violently. Not even the universe! Nowhere except in Jack’s arms could she be free of it. Only Jack Nash could contain and hold her. Only his arms. Only his eyes. Only his love.