Writing Deep Point of View

by Rayne Hall

  Mary’s face paled.

  Mary’s eyes widened.

  Mary’s eyes glistened with tears.

  The colour drained from Mary’s face.

  With practice, you’ll soon get the hang of this.

  SHOW ONLY WHAT THE POV IS AWARE OF

  Show the PoV character’s body language only if she is aware of it.

  Many body language cues, especially gestures, movements and posture shifts could be seen by the character—but she wouldn’t be aware of them in this particular situation. If she’s not aware of them, leave them out, otherwise the PoV becomes shallow.

  Let’s say Mary watches her lover in a fight to the death in the arena. Her anxiety and tension are extreme, and she perches on the edge of a stone bench, leaning forward, with the knuckles of both fists pressed against her chin.

  You may want to show her anxiety and tension with this sentence:

  Mary perched on the edge of the stone bench, leaning forward, with the knuckles of both fists pressed against her chin.

  This is a good sentence—but it’s not Deep PoV. Hypothetically, Mary could be aware that she’s sitting like this—but not when her full attention is on her lover’s fight. Mary is so focused on the action in the arena, she won’t waste a thought on the position of her buttocks on the bench.

  Most body language is unintentional. It just happens, and we’re not aware of it. This means that you can’t use it in deep PoV. For newcomers to Deep PoV, this restriction poses a major challenge.

  Of course, you can still use body language. You just need to choose carefully what to show and in what situation.

  HOW TO USE BODY LANGUAGE IN DEEP POV

  Show the PoV’s body language if she can see, hear or feel it.

  This includes visceral reactions.

  Sweat trickled down Mary’s sides.

  Mary’s cheeks heated.

  Mary’s throat tightened.

  Mary’s words came out as a hoarse whisper.

  Careful: don’t give detailed descriptions of these visceral reactions unless the PoV character dwells on the sensation.

  Show body language when the PoV character is using it deliberately.

  Mary squared her shoulders and raised her chin.

  Mary leaped from the chair and slammed her fist on the table.

  Mary stomped out of the room, banging the door behind her.

  Of course, you can show the other characters’ body language—and indeed, you may use a lot of it. More about this in the next chapter.

  ASSIGNMENT

  Consider a scene draft you’ve written, or a scene you’re planning to write. What are the PoV’s feelings during this scene? How does the PoV’s body language express these emotions? Which of these body language cues can the PoV see, and which of these is she aware of? When you apply these criteria, you will probably find that only a small number of body language cues remain. Find a way to write them creatively so they really count.

  Chapter 15

  WHAT DO THE OTHER CHARACTERS FEEL?

  In Deep PoV, you can’t tell the reader what a non-PoV character thinks and feels—but you can show it. Here are two powerful techniques.

  DIALOGUE

  The character simply says what’s on their mind.

  Let’s say you want to convey that Mary’s companion John is impatient. You don’t need to say he’s impatient. His own words convey this clearly.

  “How much longer do you need?” John asked. “Please hurry up.”

  Let’s say John is frightened.

  “I don’t like this,” John said. “Are you sure it’s safe?”

  BODY LANGUAGE

  Since the PoV character sees the other person’s body language, you can show it. This is an effective technique, and you may want to use it a lot in your Deep PoV stories. Show gestures, posture, facial expressions and tone of voice. If your PoV character is an observant person, you can show a lot of body language.

  Let’s take the example of impatient John again. You could use one of these sentences, and the reader would know:

  John drummed his fingers on the table.

  John’s feet jiggled and bounced.

  John glanced at his watch.

  Please note: there’s no need to add a commentary from the PoV’s perspective. This version would be unnecessarily wordy as well as shallow: Mary realised that John was impatient because he glanced at his watch.

  If John is frightened, you might provide a body language cue like this:

  John’s voice was high and hysterical.

  John’s face grew ashen and his hands shook.

  John raised a trembling hand.

  ADVANCED TECHNIQUE

  If you’re a skilled writer, you can create interesting effects when the non-PoV character’s body language contradicts his words.

  Here are some examples:

  “No need to hurry.” John drummed his fingers on the table.

  John glanced at his watch. “Take all the time you need.”

  “I can wait,” John assured her. His feet jiggled and bounced.

  John’s face grew ashen and his hands shook. “I’m not frightened.”

  “I’m not frightened.” John’s voice was high and hysterical.

  ASSIGNMENT

  Take the scene you’re currently working on (either writing or revising), and think about the emotions of the non-PoV characters. What do these people feel? How are their emotions displayed in body language cues? Write several sentences to insert where appropriate.

  Chapter 16

  WHAT GOES ON ELSEWHERE IN THE WORLD?

  In omniscient (god-like) PoV you can tell the reader what’s happening in another home, in another town or another part of the world... but in Deep PoV you can show only what goes on where the PoV character is.

  However, sometimes you may want to give your reader a glimpse of the outside world—perhaps to foreshadow future events, to hint at the character’s naïveté, or to drive the plot forward.

  Don’t leave the PoV to feed information to the reader. Instead, let the PoV character receive the information.

  DEVICES FOR PASSING INFORMATION TO THE CHARACTER

  Choose whichever works naturally for your story and the situation:

  Phone calls, letters, texts, emails, tweets

  Media (television, newspaper, magazine, radio, blogs, online news etc.)

  Dialogue (including conversations, interrogations, rumours and gossip)

  HOW TO USE THE DEVICES

  Mention the event in passing by inserting it briefly and casually into something more important.

  Let’s say you want to plant a hint in the reader’s mind that war is imminent, but Mary is so obsessed with her new date John that she doesn’t pay attention to politics.

  You could write a paragraph like this:

  Mary flicked through the TV channels. Peace talks failed, reality show contestants evicted, more bad weather on the way. Why didn’t John return her text?

  or

  At last Mary found the article she was looking for. Squeezed between an interview about new jobs created at the local armaments factory and an advertisement for careers in the army was a tiny paragraph about John’s appointment to school governor.

  You can apply the same ‘casual mention’ technique when people are talking.

  Mary scratched her head. “What shall we buy for John’s birthday?”

  “He needs something to cheer him up,” Suzie suggested. “Because of his wife... Don’t tell anyone that I told you, but John’s wife is having an affair with his boss. Maybe a bottle of whisky...? Or something for his garden?”

  Mary glanced at the photo album. “Is that Suzie? She looks different.”

  “Well, this was before she had the nose job. Didn’t yo
u know? Her first husband was a cosmetic surgeon. But look at John in this picture, how he...”

  Another method is to switch to a different PoV for a scene. In Chapter 17 I’ll show you how to do this while maintaining Deep PoV.

  ASSIGNMENT

  Think of a piece of information you want to convey to the reader. How could the PoV character receive it?

  Chapter 17

  WORD CHOICES

  How does your POV character talk? Does he speak in complex sentences with carefully chosen phrases, or does he use a limited vocabulary of simple words?

  Reflect this in your writing style.

  This doesn’t mean writing exactly the way the character would talk. Attempting this would probably lead to poor writing. Simply allow your writing style to be influenced by the way the PoV character speaks.

  WHAT TO CONSIDER FOR THIRD PERSON POV

  When telling a story in Third Person (Mary did such-and-such with her so-and-so), you need to write in your own voice rather than the characters. However, you can deepen the PoV by merging the two.

  How old is this character?

  A child has a limited vocabulary consisting of short words. A six-year-old wouldn’t think ‘A stunning camellia dominated the garden with its vermilion flowers’ but ‘The bush had pretty red flowers’.

  I wouldn’t advise writing the story completely in a six-year-old’s language. Just avoid long words and sophisticated phrasing.

  How educated is this character?

  The more educated the character, the wider is his vocabulary, and the more complex his sentences. For example, a college professor talks differently than a high school dropout. With a college professor PoV, I suggest you pay attention to correct syntax, while with the high school dropout you can occasionally bend grammar rules to reflect colloquial use.

  But don’t overdo it. A whole novel consisting of complicated sentences with multi-syllabic words would be so difficult to read that most readers would stop, while a book with a narrow endlessly repeated vocabulary and poor grammar will put many readers off. Just use the PoV character’s education level to flavour your writing style.

  What’s this character’s native language?

  When writing about foreign characters, you face a dilemma. The PoV probably thinks in his native language, but the reader wouldn’t understand that. You can simply ‘translate’ everything into English, and that is often the best solution. You could also include a few words from the PoV’s native language—but this can feel stilted, because it’ll appear like he’s flipping between two modes of thought. Inserting common phrases in the character’s native language is also possible, but often seems hackneyed.

  Since you probably encounter the same ‘problem’ when writing dialogue, I suggest you apply whatever you decided to do about the character’s dialogue to the narrative. This will make the writing consistent.

  Don’t write dialect, or use foreign grammatical structures, to get across the PoV’s native language. You can use those (sparingly) in dialogue, but I advise against using them in narrative.

  If the PoV character is a native English speaker, it can be a good idea to use words and phrases typical of his kind of English. This will reflect his linguistic background without putting the reader off. For example, if he’s a Scot, you can use the word ‘bairn’ for ‘child’.

  If the PoV character is American, use American words, and if he’s British, use the British equivalents. For example, the American PoV would notice an elevator, while the Briton sees a lift. To the American, it’s fall, but to a Briton it’s autumn.

  This guideline is easy to apply if your whole novel is in one PoV. If you switch between PoVs, some of whom are British and others American, you have to decide whether to switch between British and American grammar and spelling as well, or to keep those consistent throughout the book. Yet more complications arise when writing historical fiction set in a period when American characters used what is now considered British English. (And when it comes to Australian and Canadian English and other variants, the matter gets more complicated still.)

  There is no ‘rule’ what to do in those cases. Just make a considered choice, and stick with it.

  WHAT TO CONSIDER FOR FIRST PERSON POV

  When telling a story in First Person (I did such-and-such with my so-and-so), you need to write in that character’s voice. It’s as if the character is writing the story. Sometimes you can write exactly like the character would—with the character’s word choices, syntax, habit words, and accent. At other times, this isn’t possible, for example when writing from a cat’s PoV. (Miaow, meeeeow, meeow!)

  The same considerations apply as for Third Person (age, education, language), but to a much larger extent. I recommend using as much of the character’s voice as possible, but modifying it with your own as far as necessary to make it easy to read.

  EXAMPLES

  I’ve chosen three examples from my own stories to illustrate how the PoV character’s voice can influence the author’s voice.

  Here’s a paragraph from my Third-Person story, By Your Own Free Will. The PoV character Marian is a career woman who prides herself on her intelligence and education. Note how I used the words ‘assistance’ ‘circular’ and ‘luminous’ instead of ‘help’, ‘round’ and ‘bright’.

  The witch dragged the table and one of the couches to the room’s edge, waving away Marian’s offer of assistance. In their place, she unrolled a large circular rug of black felt, painted with a five-pointed star in luminous green paint.

  The following is the opening paragraph of my short story, Burning, in the PoV of a seven-year-old in First Person. In one of the early drafts I used a child’s language, but this didn’t work because it didn’t convey the complexity of the plot and didn’t appeal to my adult audience. So I compromised. I kept the language simpler than an adult’s, but more complex than a real seven-year-old’s. ‘Frolicking’ and ‘appetising’ are the most complicated words.

  Supper was bangers and mash with mushy peas. Mum had promised me the glossy calendar photo for November - lambs frolicking around Camber Castle - but only if I ate up every meal this month. I disliked greasy bangers, I despised mash, and I hated mushy peas, but I wanted that picture, and it was only the ninth. Half-listening to my parents’ grown-up talk about the need for a new church, I stirred the peas into the mash. Instead of becoming more appetising, the meal now looked like a vomit puddle around dog turds.

  The next excerpt is from my story, Scruples. The PoV—First Person again—is a mediaeval steward. I had to decide how mediaeval to make the language of the narrative of this story. The way this man would have written in 1287 would have been near incomprehensible to readers, so I chose modern English, but used some phrases a modern man would not use.

  Wind whines against the walls and rattles the shutters. This year of Our Lord 1287 has brought more storms than I have seen in my life.

  ASSIGNMENT

  What are the characteristics of your story PoV character’s voice? Identify at least one aspect which could influence your writing style for that work.

  Chapter 18

  SWITCHING POV

  Deep PoV is most powerful if the reader remains in the same person’s mind throughout the whole story. This approach—called Single Deep PoV—works well for most novels and almost all short stories.

  However, some fiction needs different perspectives. For example, a novel may follow the fate of a family over several generations, or a short story may show the same event through the eyes of three different people.

  Many modern thrillers insert sections from the serial killer’s PoV between the main narrative from the investigator’s PoV.

  You can encompass several perspectives in Deep PoV—this is called ‘Serial Deep PoV’—but you need to know how.

  Each time you leave one character’s mind and enter another�
��s, the reader will get a jolt. The reader was that person, and suddenly she gets kicked out of the experience. She’ll feel disoriented, bereft, even resentful. It will take her a while to settle into the new PoV.

  Your job as an author is to make this transition as easy as possible for the reader.

  ONE POV AT A TIME

  Treat each section of your book as a separate story, told from the perspective of one character. Don’t mix them up. Readers may be in Mary’s PoV during Chapter 1, and in John’s during Chapter 2, but never in both at once.

  If possible, decide beforehand which PoV suits which section best. If you’re a plotter, you may want to plan which scene will be in which PoV. If writing by the seat of your pants, choose the PoV before starting the next scene.

  WHEN TO SWITCH

  This is the most important question: at what point do you leave one character’s PoV to enter another?

  Since the PoV switch will remove the reader from the experience, choose a point where many readers remove from the experience anyway—the end of a section or of a chapter.

  Readers typically finish a chapter before putting the book down to return to their chores or to go to sleep. When they pick the book up again, they need some time to settle into the PoV. At this stage, it doesn’t matter much if it’s a different PoV than before.

  Chapter endings are ideal places to switch PoV. The new chapter simply starts with the new PoV—it’s that simple.

  In long novels with several parts, you can switch PoV when the new part begins. This will feel natural to readers, most of whom have probably taken a break before starting the next part.

  You may even be able to label the parts with the PoV’s name. This is a popular device for long novels:

  Part 1 - Mary

  Part 2 - John

  Part 3 - Isabella

  Delay the PoV switch until a natural break. A novel part or a chapter is ideal. If you need to switch sooner, wait until a scene break. When one scene has finished, there’s a scene end marker (usually an asterisk), and then the next scene is in the new PoV.