Just say it, Lauren. She took a deep breath and took a step on that scary ground. “Now, being here and meeting my family, I can see how intertwined their lives and their affections for one another are. I feel a little part of that, for the first time ever. I have real family ties. And on the other hand, I’ve never seen myself as so alone.”
“What do you mean?”
“This family really cares and it’s not superficial. It’s deeper than appearance; I’ve never known anything like this before. I’ve always been afraid of it. I—” She shrugged.
He leaned closer and picked up where she left off. “If you don’t care so much, you can keep yourself safer. You won’t be as disappointed or as hurt. Really letting anyone into my heart in a deep way really scares me, too.”
“Exactly.” Caleb seemed to understand where she was coming from—again. “Exactly. It’s how I’ve lived my life. It’s how I’m living my life. That makes me just like my mom. Just like her.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” He didn’t know; he couldn’t see it. She thought of her fairly solitary life back home, of the hours she devoted to studying in the graduate library on campus, of the friends she had who were more acquaintances than friends, of the long hours she put in at both of her jobs.
But she had had no lasting relationships. Nothing that mattered. “I think about my mom. How could she have been in this family with Mary for a mother, so devoted and loving, and then married to Dad, so reliable and solid. She looked so happy; there were so many pictures of her smiling. She appeared to be the perfect daughter, the perfect wife and the best mother, but she wasn’t happy. What if she always held back her heart, the way I’ve been doing? Then I’m on the same path, in a way.”
She fell silent, holding back one last thought. I’m afraid of doing that with you.
The horse was nibbling Caleb’s shirtsleeve and collar for attention and not getting any. No, the man’s focus was solely on her. He had an intensity like a magnetic pull that drew her a step closer. She longed to open her heart to him. It was a totally new longing, one she’d never had before.
I care about this man. I truly do. The realization frightened her a little more—but it was a good kind of fear. Her grandmother trusted him, her sisters trusted him, why shouldn’t she trust him?
Because she’d never trusted anyone that much. It had never seemed like a good idea, to lean on anyone. But everything had turned upside down and she was seeing her life with new eyes. She’d never realized how much in life she was losing out on. In that way she was truly her mother’s daughter and it wasn’t a legacy she wanted.
“I hold back my heart too much,” she admitted.
“It’s how you survived a turbulent childhood.” The way he said it made it sound so reasonable.
“But at what point does it become taking the easier path? Look at my grandmother. She’s lost her parents, her brother, her son in Vietnam, her daughter to disappointment, her sister, her husband and her friends. That’s a lot of loss for one woman, but she’s the most loving and giving person I’ve ever known.”
“If it’s any help, you seem to be doing all right.”
“It means a lot to me that you think so.” She’d never felt so close to someone. Never felt so vulnerable. Her affection and regard for Caleb grew stronger.
She didn’t feel afraid anymore. “This feels like a dream coming true. Being here. Right here.”
Tasha had wandered over and Caleb went back to petting the horses, to Leo’s relief. Caleb cleared his throat. “The thing about dreams coming true—the real kind—they come around pretty rarely. You gotta grab hold of them or they have a way of passing you by.”
She knew he was telling the truth. Her feelings for Caleb had been deepening ever since they’d first met. “What about you?” she asked. “What dreams have you let pass by?”
“I want to show you something.” He held out his hand.
There was a silent invitation in his eyes and something indefinable in the evening air between them. Like a dream sailing close enough for her to touch.
So he felt this, too. She placed her hand in his and felt the rough callused heat of his palm when his fingers twined with hers. Serenity rolled through her, greater than any wish, deeper than any hope had ever been.
With her small hand tucked trustingly within his, Caleb did his best to guard his heart. But he feared he was losing it with every step he took down the road and through his property. The sun began to sink toward the mountains, standing low, painting the underbellies of cotton-ball clouds with shades of peach and gold.
He’d never seen a more beautiful evening. Then again, maybe it wasn’t the scenery but the lady at his side. Twilight crept around the edges and into the lengthening shadows as he held open his backyard gate with his left hand, so he could keep her hand in his. He didn’t want to break the connection between them. He wanted this closeness. Absolutely.
“This is a paradise.” Awe softened her gentle alto into a whisper, as if she were afraid to break the silence.
He knew how that felt. He took in the view of the log home, honey-warm, with numerous wide windows reflecting the rosy gold of the impending sunset. The stone fireplaces matched the pathways leading to the front steps and around the house to the generous patio. It wasn’t as upscale as Mary’s home, but his place could hold its own. Simple native shrubbery were arranged in beds and climbing honeysuckle and roses clung to arbors in the back. The brick grill was new, along with the hot tub. “I made a few improvements.”
“I expected a vintage home like Gran’s. Or an updated farm house, but this looks like something out of a magazine.”
“My grandmother always wanted a log home, so for her sixtieth birthday, my grandfather built her one. It’s on the site of the original farmhouse back when this land was homesteaded by Matthias Stone in the 1860s.”
“I can’t imagine having family roots like this. Until the last few years, I moved about once a year for as long as I can remember. We’re standing on the land your great-grandparents lived on.”
“And my great-great-grandparents. Pretty amazing, huh?”
“It must make you aware of your place in the world.”
“It makes me aware of my family. Of the people who lived well and loved right, who came before me, and my chance here.” He guided her along the pathway, underneath the red-rose arbor. “The original rosebush was planted in 1863. When Matthias and his wife’s first child was born.” Caleb faced the orchard beyond the garden fence. “This is the orchard they planted. The trees have been replaced over time, but it’s basically the same as it was in the 1860s.”
Lauren took in the sight—the gloss of sunlight on full leaves and ripe fruit, the rustling music of the breeze through the orchard and arbors. There was a mix of old and new. Young, chin-high blue spruce rimmed the boundary between garden and grass and orchard, the patio furniture and hot tub were newly installed, and then there were the roses and hydrangea bushes, ancient and thick with brilliant blooms.
Caleb’s hand protectively enclosed over hers did feel right. Suddenly, everything fell into place. The realization of who this man was. Of what his family was to him. Of what his life meant here.
“Your grandparents lived and died here,” she said. “You took care of them when they were ailing.”
“I did, but not alone. My brother and his wife, Wendy, moved back from Denver and put their lives on hold to help out, too.”
“You left your life and more behind in Seattle.”
“Your life is where your heart is. If the ‘more’ you’re referring to was my fiancée, she wasn’t right for me. She wasn’t in love with me enough. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t give up Montana for her, because I would. It’s that she didn’t get—” He stopped short of saying more.
“You take care of your family. That is your greatest commitment.”
“I never understood that before.” She thought of her childhood looking through barred windows and security screens, a childhood of cracked sidewalks to play on and colorful graffiti.
She thought of her mom, always away—making connections, going to auditions, cocktail waitressing late nights in the worst places trying to make rent money. “My mother always said she was living out her dreams, that she had to be somebody, make her mark in the world. But she had those things here. Love and a committed husband and kids and a childhood growing up here with parents who adored her. I don’t understand why she left. I always thought she had nothing here to keep her, but she had everything.”
“One person’s heaven is another’s purgatory.”
“I suppose, but—” She didn’t remember crossing beneath the arbor, but somehow they were in the middle of the yard. She could see colorful hummingbirds suspended in midair as they drank from the honeysuckle trumpets. She thought of Caleb’s ancestors who had lived and loved and grown old together on this land. It was so peaceful. “People live great lives every day. It’s in how they love and what they stand for when times get tough, staying committed and loving day in and day out, the quiet courage of loving deeply. It’s not famous but it is the only greatness.”
He studied her for a long heartbeat. The air turned opalescent with the fading light and the landscape stilled. The sun melted into the purple edges of the mountains, draining the light from the sky. The clouds burned like flame.
He broke the stillness. “What are you doing for dinner tomorrow night?”
A trill of hope lifted through her spirit. Was he asking her out? “Nothing.”
“How about going out with me?”
“I suppose.”
He paused and the sun kept sinking. Her heart waited to beat. When he spoke, his baritone rumbled low, with feeling. With hope. “Do you still think marriage is too risky? That it’s trusting someone too much?”
“Not if it’s the right someone.” She was thankful the sun chose that moment to disappear completely, thickening the shadows and casting their web over her, hiding the affection she knew was on her face. She hoped that Caleb hadn’t been able to see.
And hoped that he had.
Chapter Twelve
Throughout the night and all day long, first-date nerves were consuming her. She’d been unable to keep the news from Gran or her sisters. It had been the main topic at lunch, at one of the restaurants near the university campus. It had been fun to share her news and excitement.
However, as evening approached, her excitement turned into a mild case of anxiety. Aubrey had shown up first, for moral support, with Danielle’s little ones in tow. Through the front window of the carriage house, they could keep a sharp eye on little Tyler, who was busy with one of the hoses in the small patch of lawn. Madison had plopped down in the middle of the living room and was beating a wooden spoon against a kettle like a drum, making enough racket to drown out the roar of a jet on takeoff.
Aubrey unzipped the garment bag she’d arrived with. “Okay, I raided both mine and Ava’s closets and this is the best we have. First, a hand-me-down from Katherine. It’s way too classy for either of us, so we’ve never actually worn it. It’s like new. What do you think?”
Lauren’s jaw dropped at the little black dress, modest, exquisite and simply cut. The fabric shimmered and shouted, “expensive.” “Is that silk?”
“Uh, probably.” Aubrey twisted to read the tag. “Yep. You’d look beautiful in this.”
“I’ll probably spill something on it.”
“Okay, I know how that feels. Best not go looking for a disaster, huh?” Aubrey’s smile was understanding as she laid the dress over the back of the couch and reached into the garment bag for the next selection. “Here’s Ava’s best dress. Brace yourself. It’s bright yellow.”
As if bracing herself could possible prepare her for the neon flash of that dress. “I’ve never seen anything that bright and yellow. Not even the sun.”
“Okay, enough said.” Aubrey set the pretty dress aside and reached for the last dress in the bag. “This is my favorite. What do you think?”
At least it didn’t blind her. It was made of soft linen in a lavender shade and had a princess collar. A bias-cut skirt added a little gracefulness. Not too fancy, not too casual. “Perfect. I love it.”
“Super-duper.” Aubrey beamed as she held the dress up to Lauren’s chin. “It complements you. You’ll look so beautiful in it that you’ll take Caleb’s breath away.”
“I just don’t want him to take one look and run in the opposite direction.” Not that she thought that was going to happen, but she didn’t know how to say what she meant. She gazed down at the lovely dress. “This is very nice of you, Aubrey.”
“Hey, it’s what sisters do.” Laying the dress carefully aside, she caught Madison taking off with the wooden spoon toward the open front door, sweeping her up with a kiss to the cheek. “Caught ya! You’re not going anywhere, cutie.”
Madison squealed with glee. “Bah-bup!”
Aubrey set the toddler back on the living room’s braid rug and talked over Madison’s cheerful jabbering. “That lavender dress is one lucky dress. Ava wore it to Brice’s birthday dinner, right before she got engaged. I wore it the evening that I fell in love with William. So, you never know what will happen tonight with Caleb.”
Did she want that? Was it even something she could rationally decide? Her heart seemed to be heading in that direction all on its own. “Let’s be cautious. One step at a time. My classes start next week. I have an internship, a job, an apartment, obligations and little time for a long-distance relationship.”
“That’s not a big deal. You’ll make time for one. You’ll finish your degree. California isn’t that far away. Besides, the campus here has a master’s program. Oh, and you’ve heard of airplanes and cell phones and e-mail, right?”
“Well, yes, but—” She teetered on the edge of hope. How can love prosper with so much distance between anyone? She’d been afraid to let herself think this far.
Last night, walking with Caleb had been so perfect. It should be enough to have a lovely evening sharing meaningful conversation with a worthy man. She was afraid to admit that she longed for more than the life she’d been living. For this kind of life. Maybe with Caleb. And how could she talk about something so personal and new? She wasn’t used to having a confidante.
“Thanks for letting me borrow a dress.” The nicest clothes she’d brought had been a medium-casual dress that would pack well, nothing as nice as this lavender one. She did want to impress Caleb. Was that a bad thing to admit?
I care about him. Very much.
Lauren eased back down on the edge of the couch and carefully packed the rejected dress safely into the garment bag. She noticed that Tyler was tossing down the garden hose and racing toward the little gate, where Ava came into sight. She carried two enormous totes, one over each shoulder.
Aubrey clasped her hands together. “I can’t believe it. She’s actually on time for once.”
“Ava’s coming here why…?”
“Sweetie, you have to face the fact that you have sisters now. We are an enmeshed family and proud of it. Believe me, it’s easier if you don’t fight it. Just accept now and acclimate. Trust me.”
“I’m a little afraid to,” Lauren quipped. “Enmeshed? Isn’t that term used to describe a psychologically dysfunctional family?”
“Sure, but we don’t mind. Besides, we like our family that way. You’ll come to like it, too, I know it. Hey, when you think about it, Caleb is practically family. He’s already used to us, so this could be good if you two fell in
love—”
The screen door squeaked open without a knock and in walked Tyler. The little boy dripped water and, as a successful firefighter, walked with great importance, toward the kitchen.
“Whew, it’s hot puttin’ out fires.” He stopped to toss them a dimpled grin, pat his sister on top of her head and then marched to the kitchen where he yanked open the refrigerator door.
“I’m so excited.” Ava breezed in, looking just like Aubrey except in head-to-toe pink. “This is totally great. Are you psyched, Lauren?”
“I’m all right.” Or trying to be.
Ava rolled her eyes. “It’ll be totally fine. You two are like made for each other. Caleb’s been majorly bummed for a long time. He needs a soul mate. Besides, you like Montana, right?”
“Sure, but please don’t start planning our wedding.” She liked that Aubrey started laughing. At least this was going to be fun. “It’s only dinner.”
“Sure it is.” Ava plopped the bags on the floor. “So, I brought hair stuff. And I pilfered Katherine’s jewelry, because she has the nicest stuff—”
“Wait, I can’t borrow jewelry, too. What if I lose it? I’m worried enough about spilling something on the dress.”
“Nope, sorry,” Aubrey said, taking one side of Lauren as Ava took the other and sandwiched her on the couch. “This is what we do. So, let’s get a good look at you. Ava, should her hair be up or pulled back?”
“Down. I like how she’s got a little wave to it. It’s bouncy.” Ava squinted, in deep thought.
While Madison sang at the top of her lungs and beat the kettle with all her might, Tyler wandered back into the living room with a grape juice box in hand. He headed back outside to fight more imaginary fires and stopped in the doorway. “It’s Becca!”
Sure enough, there was Rebecca coming on the walk. Lauren was outnumbered.
“It’s too bad Danielle can’t be here.” Aubrey took one of Ava’s totes and unzipped it. “She’s still at the hospital. Has she called you yet?”
Sweet Home Montana (The McKaslin Clan) Page 13