Wounded Heart (9781455505654)

by Senft, Adina

  “But your situation is different now.”

  “Maybe. But it could be years before I’m better. I need to submit to those that have the rule over me and not try to manage everything by myself. Look what happened when I tried that.”

  “So you’re just going to sit here and let life happen to you?” Emma’s eyebrows rose. “You, the woman with an opinion about everything?”

  “Too many opinions. Too much pride. Too much independence. I’ve learned my lessons, Emma, all too well.” At least her voice sounded firm, no matter how much she wanted to bury her head in her arms and cry.

  Emma gazed at her across the kitchen table, her eyes filling with her own pain. “But, Amelia…if it’s true—if he really is here for you—what would you tell him?”

  They needed more hot tea. Amelia got up to fetch the teapot from the counter. “There’s no point in imagining such things.”

  “Just tell me.”

  Hands wrapped around the warm body of the pot, Amelia stared down at it. “I couldn’t be so lucky a second time. I can’t think about it, Emma. Please don’t make me.”

  “All right, Liewi.” Emma pushed her mug away and got up. “No more for me. I have to get home.”

  She pulled on all her layers again—shawl, coat, scarf, mittens—and went out, her tall, dear form disappearing into the dark as soon as she was out of the bar of light from the door. Amelia sighed and picked up the teapot. Her mother always said chamomile calmed the spirit as well as the stomach.

  She poured a second cup, all the way to the top.

  Chapter 21

  Dear Eli,

  If you were to tell me your life was none of my business, you would be right. But Amelia Beiler’s life is my business, so for her sake I’m going to stick my neck out.

  She is determined to walk the narrow path of obedience. She says she’s too independent and proud, and God and the Gmee have conspired to show her the error of her ways. I don’t agree. I bet if you were to talk to her, you could convince her that trying to get well isn’t pride and looking for a cure isn’t independence.

  And shutting herself off from the chance of happiness isn’t obedience.

  Try again.

  I want to plant celery in the spring. It will give people something to talk about.

  Sincerely,

  A friend

  At the quilting frolic the next day, Amelia was quite happy to let Carrie dominate the conversation as they shook out the pieced quilt top on the boys’ bed and talked over all the different kinds of borders they could put on it. Carrie wanted to do a border of small squares set on point to make diamonds, but Emma disagreed. “It will be too busy. Besides, what will it say that will add to the message in the piecing? That our hope is surrounded by little bits of noise?”

  Since the quilt was to be Emma’s someday, Carrie deferred to her opinion, and the planning turned to how many borders and how wide they should be in order to accommodate the feather pattern Emma wanted.

  Emma, Amelia noticed, was just as happy as she was to keep the attention away from herself, and when the conversation made a dangerous turn in the direction of men, she leaped to the switch and was happy to support Amelia in discussing Melvin and his odd knack for talking to people and bringing in business.

  “I’m glad there’s something he can contribute to the shop.” Carrie’s eyes glowed with pride and happiness—an expression they had seen all too rarely in the years she’d been married. “God does seem to have blessed him with a gift. I’m just glad it’s one that can help you.”

  Carrie took the pieced top home with her, since they’d agreed on her house for next week. When she’d gotten her wraps on, Amelia stepped outside and automatically looked up to check the weather.

  Clearing. What a miracle.

  The sun had already put itself to bed in a bank of clouds close to the horizon, but at nearly four o’clock on a late January afternoon, that wasn’t surprising. She’d better hurry, though, and get over to Mamm’s for dinner and to collect the boys before it got really dark.

  The fastest way there was by Edgeware Road, but even then, walking the half mile in the ruts in the snow made by passing vehicles was going to take longer than the ten minutes it took in summer. Thank goodness she could count on Daed or Chris to take them all home in the buggy after supper.

  When she heard the rattle of a buggy coming along behind her at a decent pace, she had to abandon the nice hard track she’d been walking in and stamp a hole in the drift by the side of the road to wait until it passed.

  But it didn’t pass. Instead it slowed to a stop.

  “May I offer you a lift?” The voice was pleasant, the voice of a good neighbor or a considerate driver.

  The voice of Eli Fischer.

  She lifted her head, and recognition flashed in his eyes.

  He didn’t realize it was me. Would he have stopped if he had?

  “Amelia,” he said on a long breath. “Please. Get in and let me take you wherever you’re going.”

  She shook her head. Please let me sound normal. Please don’t let him know my heart is pounding fit to jump out of my chest. “I don’t want to give you any trouble. You were on your way somewhere at a pretty healthy clip, so it must be important.”

  “Was I? I was thinking, I guess, and didn’t notice that Caesar here had picked up his feet. I mean it. Get in or I’ll climb out and get you.”

  It was only a quarter of a mile. What harm could being in such close quarters do now? She could put on a pleasant, good-neighbor voice, too, and he would never know that her knees were shaking to the point she might stagger like a chicken getting up from a dust bath.

  She settled into the left side of the buggy, reaching for calm. “Denki, Eli. It’s very kind of you.”

  “It saves me from lying, it does.”

  She raised her brows in his direction as he shook the reins over the horse’s back. “Lying?”

  “I’ve been driving in circles, trying to come up with a story that would explain my turning up on your porch. And now, see? The Lord has saved me from myself.”

  He was going to turn up on my porch! Feeling a little giddy from adrenaline and hardly daring to believe he might mean what she thought he meant, she gave a shaky laugh. “You didn’t need a story. You could just have come over, as friends do.”

  “Yes, but I wouldn’t be coming as a friend. I mean, I would…but not entirely. I mean, there would be more to it than that.”

  They sat in a moving buggy. Her senses told her that the fields scrolled away on either side, white and punctuated by the cross-stitch of fences. But she felt as though she were in a bubble, as though her world had contracted to these few feet of space between storm front and rear wall, and outside there was nothing but silence.

  Waiting.

  The way the fields waited for spring.

  She was supposed to say something. “Oh?” she managed.

  The horse had slowed. Presently he stopped, waiting for direction from the driver. But the driver had turned sideways in his seat and was gazing at her with all the hope of harvest in his face.

  “Amelia, I have been told a number of strange stories during the last few days, so I must hear the truth from you. You no longer have this MS? You have something else?”

  She nodded. “I never had MS. The whole time it was mercury poisoning from my fillings. The dentist took them all out and put in white stuff that looks like my teeth. And now the doctor has me on a program to clean the metals out of my system. It’s working, too.” She smiled, dropping her gaze to her mittened hands. “I pinned on my Kapp without even thinking about it yesterday. I haven’t been able to do that in weeks and weeks.”

  “So you are going to be well.” The relief in his tone was palpable.

  “Ja,” she said softly. “I’m going to be well.”

  He came for you. What if he asks again? What are you going to say, after all your brave words to your friends?

  “I am glad to hear it. It pained
me very much to see you suffer.” He swallowed. Amelia held her breath.

  An eternity burned itself out in a couple of seconds.

  “Look at this horse, standing in the road.” He shook the reins, and the buggy lurched into motion. Amelia’s breath went out of her in a whoosh, and tears pricked her eyes.

  Fool! He wasn’t going to ask you…anything important. He’s just a friend who is concerned for your well-being, like Moses Yoder or Mary Lapp or anyone in the Gmee. There you go again, thinking you’re the be-all and end-all. Shame on you.

  The last hundred yards progressed in silence until Amelia said, “My parents’ lane is just there. I was going to get the boys, and we usually stay for supper.”

  Banal words. Words you could say to a neighbor. Words no one could find fault with.

  And oh, how her treacherous heart longed for more!

  This is a fine situation. You had your chance. There’s no use crying over spilled milk, Amelia Beiler. Best to just pick up the bucket and move on.

  The branches of the trees, weighed down with snow, leaned into the lane and brushed the sides of the buggy. The lane had a single bend in it, and for a moment they lost sight of the house, now glowing in the twilight as though Mamm had just lit the lamps.

  With a tightening of his hands, Eli pulled up the horse. “Amelia, there is something I must say, and you must stop me if you don’t wish to hear it.”

  Her breath backed up in her throat. “What could a friend say that I wouldn’t want to hear?”

  “Simply that I don’t want to be friends. I want to be more to you. I want it settled between us. Amelia, I told you my feelings months ago, and I wonder if today you might give me the same answer or a different one?”

  She couldn’t speak. She would weep if she did.

  “I’ve heard you’re too independent. Well, so am I. But we could learn to depend on each other, and on God.”

  “He…He has told me I’m too proud. You don’t want that, Eli.”

  “No, I don’t. But I have a little struggle with that, too. We could keep each other humble.” He smiled. “I bet you’re a much better pallet maker than I am.”

  “It’s an easy skill to learn,” she whispered.

  “Will you teach me? Just in case I might ever have to know such a thing?”

  For a split second, she teetered on the edge of two choices. But, really, there was no choice. Or rather her heart had made it long ago, and her mind had just caught up sometime during the last half mile. “Yes.”

  “Will you let me come and help you and get acquainted with your boys?”

  “Yes.” Like a newly opened spring, joy began to bubble up in her heart.

  “I can’t be Enoch,” he said in a low tone. “Even if we decide to look into the future together, I can’t ever replace the one you loved first. Nor would I want to.”

  His humility humbled her. “And I would never want to take the place of your Kate. Besides, you are Eli, and you can’t be replaced.”

  “Would you be willing to think of the future someday, Amelia?”

  The fields themselves gave her the only answer possible, as they waited for the warmth of the sun to soften them into usable, good soil once again.

  “I already have,” she whispered.

  Something moved in the gray light—two somethings that called her in high voices that would deepen into the voices of men before she knew it, and before she was ready. She put a hand on the reins. “Come,” she said. “Put the horse away and then come in for dinner. My family is waiting for us.”

  But before he could reply, Matthew and Elam had opened the driver’s door and flung themselves, snowy boots and all, onto Eli’s lap, shouting their greetings.

  And somehow, when she moved even closer, his arms were long enough to fit around them all.

  Glossary

  Spelling and definitions from Eugene S. Stine, Pennsylvania German Dictionary (Birdboro, PA: Pennsylvania German Society, 1996).

  Bann: ban, state of being shunned

  batzich: proud

  bitte: please

  Bobbel: baby

  Daadi: Granddad

  Daadi Haus: grandfather house

  Daed: Dad, Father

  Deitch: Pennsylvania Dutch language

  denki: thank you; thanks

  Dokterfraa: woman who dispenses home remedies

  Druwwel: trouble

  dummle sich: Hurry up

  Eck: corner; tables where the bridal party sits

  Es ist zu kalt fer dich.: It’s too cold for you.

  gakutz: throw up, vomit

  genunk: enough

  Gmee: congregation; community

  Grischdaag, der: Christmas

  grossmeenich: proud

  Guder Mariye: Good morning

  gut: good

  Hallich Geburtsdaag: Happy birthday

  Haus: house

  Hochmut: haughtiness; pride

  Isht gut: It’s good

  ja: yes

  Kaffi: coffee

  Kamille; Kamilletee: chamomile; chamomile tea

  Kapp: woman’s prayer covering

  leddich: single

  Liewi: dear; darling

  Mamm: Mom, Mother

  Mammi: Grandma

  Maad: maid

  Meinding, die: shunning, the

  meine Freundin: my friends

  mupsich: ugly

  nei: no

  Ordnung: discipline; order

  Plappermaul: blabbermouth; chatterbox

  plotz: to fall

  Rumspringe: running around

  Schatzi: little treasure

  Schtobbe dich: You stop it

  schee Meedel: pretty girl

  Ungeheier, es: the monster

  verhuddelt: confused

  Was isht?: What is it?

  Was machst?: What’s happening?

  Was in der Himmelswelt sagst du?: What in heaven’s name are you saying?

  Was sagst du?: What did you say?

  Was tut Sie hier?: What are you doing here?

  Wie geht’s?: How’s it going?

  Willkumm: Welcome

  Youngie: young people

  Zucker: sugar

  Crosses and Losses Quilt Instructions

  Part 1 of 3

  In the Amish Quilt trilogy, the characters make a quilt they call “Sunrise Over Green Fields,” signifying the hope of the Cross rising over our lives and work. I hope you’ll join me in making it as well, so I’ve divided the instructions into three parts to go with the three books in the series. In The Wounded Heart, we’ll begin by piecing the quilt blocks. In Emma’s book, The Hidden Life, coming in June 2012, we’ll assemble the blocks together with background blocks and triangles, then sew the borders. Then, in Carrie’s book, The Tempted Soul, coming in 2013, we’ll choose quilting patterns, mark them on the fabric, and quilt. Lastly we’ll bind the edges, and our quilts will be finished!

  I pieced the top using 25 solid and patterned fabrics, with the piecing in each row in a different shade (from the bottom: blue, green, lavender, pink, peach). If you’re like me and you have a drawerful of scraps from dresses and craft projects, this is a good way to use some of it. After all, Amish women use what’s on hand. But if you want to use only two colors for the contrast piecing, or use only traditional Amish colors (black, blue, green, sage, lavender, burgundy, purple), or really get creative and make each piece a different color, go ahead. It’s your quilt!

  I based this project on a quilt dated 1898 in the collection of Faith and Stephen Brown. These instructions are for a twin-size bed quilt. Use fewer blocks for a crib quilt, a table runner, or a beautiful wall hanging. Alternatively, you can shrink each piece by ½ inch for the crib quilt; the finished block size will then be 7½ inches.

  Size (pieced area, no borders): approximately 38 x 65 inches

  Block size: 9½ inches

  Number of pieced blocks: 15

  Equipment:

  Rotary cutter, mat, and lip-edge 5-inch-wide ruler
(I use Olfa/Olipfa)

  Thread to match background color

  Scissors

  Sewing machine

  Yardage for pieced area only:

  Background fabric: 3 yards of 45-inch wide

  Dark contrast: 1 yard of 45-inch wide

  Light contrast: 1 yard of 45-inch wide

  For simplicity we’ll measure yardage as though we’re making a three-color quilt: one color for the background and a light and a dark for the contrast piecing. If you’re using lots of different fabrics, or using fat quarters, make sure you have enough to make up the total contrast measurement.

  Piecing the Blocks

  Preshrink all fabrics. If you’re using cottons or cotton blends, you want the fabric to shrink before you cut it, not after it’s sewn into your quilt. Dry in a hot dryer to shrink fabrics as far as they’ll go, and press everything smooth so it’s easy to cut.

  The Crosses and Losses block appears complicated, but if you look closely, it’s just a square divided into four smaller squares. Those in turn are divided into four even smaller squares, making 16 total squares in the block, some of which are formed by two triangles joined together. We’re going to piece the smaller squares first, then sew them together in rows.

  For the most part, we don’t cut individual squares and triangles. We cut strips, cut them across, rearrange colors, and sew those pieces together. All pieces are sewn with a ¼-inch seam allowance.

  Follow these steps for each block in the quilt.

  Step 1: Background Triangles

  Fold your background fabric right sides together, selvedges together.

  Using the rotary cutter, ruler, and mat, and cutting across the grain (ninety degrees from the selvedge), cut a strip 3 inches wide.

  Cut five 3-inch squares across the strip (remembering that you have to cut only once because there are two layers of fabric).