Loved You Always

by Natalina Reis

  In his defense, he looked utterly miserable and uncomfortable. “I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me, but it’s true. All of it. Every second of the whole miserable, stupid thing.” His head dropped to his chest as he brought his hands up to rub the back of his neck. “I was so freaking stupid, Em. I guess I’ve never been too smart when it comes to women, but I really messed up with this one.”

  Oh my God! Was he really going to do the whole my-heart-broke act? And why was I leaning forward in wordless invitation for further details? “Yes, you messed up royally, Jem. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive you.” You broke my heart, you fool. I wouldn’t say it out loud, but it was true nevertheless. He broke it every time he “fell in love.” The difference with this one was that he had also abandoned me.

  “I know. I hate myself for it. I knew it was a mistake the minute I landed in Europe.” He was talking to the floor, as if afraid to look me in the eye.

  I doubted I looked very friendly at that moment. My face burned with the anger I felt in my heart. “And it took you five years to come back?”

  His intense blue eyes locked on to mine finally. “I couldn’t leave. If I left, they would trace me back to where she was, find her and most likely kill her. I couldn’t do that to her. I had to see it through.”

  I bit my tongue and tasted blood. “So what changed now that you could finally leave?” Jem licked his lips, and in a nanosecond I was taken back to that afternoon in my room when I lost all common sense and had kissed him while he slept. I squeezed my hands together, trying to control the sudden tremors. “What changed?” My voice sounded raw and strangely quiet.

  “Tina got tired of living in France and agreed to move elsewhere,” he explained, wiping his hands along his thighs. “It was my chance to bail.”

  Silence fell and wrapped itself around us with the tightness and roughness of a taut rope, squeezing and pulling with each second that passed. I couldn’t decide whether to hug or slap him as he sat facing me, looking like a puppy begging for mercy. Shit, Jeremy Peter! What am I going to do about you?

  “Please, say you forgive me,” he whispered, breaking the oppressive silence in the room. “I missed my best friend. There was not a single day in the last five years that I didn’t think of you. You have no idea how many times I caught myself dialing your number. I know I don’t deserve it, but I want back into your life, Emily Rose.” In a swift move, he sprang out of his seat and dropped to the floor on his knees right before me. Before I could react, he had taken hold of my hands. “I missed you.”

  My chest felt tight, as if an elephant had sat on it. I suddenly yearned to run and hide in a dark room. I stared down at the ground, afraid of what may come out of my mouth should I choose to open it—not much danger of that happening, considering my lips were glued together tightly. Hyperventilating slightly, I shifted in my seat and pulled my hands from his. It was all moving too fast for me. Too much information and too many emotions swirled around together in a tornado of confusion and anxiety.

  Jem sat back on the rug and wrapped his long arms around his knees. “I get it.” His voice was quiet and submissive, and my heart flipped again. “I really do. You need time to think it all over. I’m moving into my parents’ house in a couple days.” He stood and hesitated for a moment. “I…. Good night, Em, and thank you for listening to me.”

  Time passed, but I remained frozen in that spot. I’m not sure how long I sat there after he left, but the next morning I walked around school like a zombie, half from lack of sleep, the other half from confusion and mixed-up feelings. What was I going to do? Should I forgive him and go back to the close relationship we had before he left? Or should I let it go? Do the Band-Aid thing and just pull it off once and for all?

  So many questions, and no answers.

  ***

  “You’re kidding me!” The exclamation exploded out of Celia so loudly everybody in the coffee shop turned their eyes toward us. She waved them off absentmindedly and lowered her voice just a smidgen. “He’s back and came to apologize?”

  Scanning the room for familiar faces, I let out a sigh of relief when I couldn’t find any. “Yes, he came to my house after midnight to apologize.”

  Celia brought her hand to her lips. “Hell has frozen over. What did you say?” Her big round eyes opened wide as she checked for a reaction in mine. “Shit! You didn’t say you’d forgive him, did you? He made you suffer for five long years. He must pay for it.”

  I shifted uncomfortably on my seat. “I’m not sure he hasn’t already,” I said feebly, my mind searching for the right words. “I don’t think his life has been that great either.”

  My sister planted her hands on her hips with a flourish. “Hell no, sis! You are not doing this to yourself again. I’m sure his life in France was totally miserable because, you know, who has fun in France ever?” Sarcasm dripped from her mouth and out of her blue eyes. I had told her he had been in France—with Tina.

  “He wanted to come back and couldn’t,” I continued. Who was I trying to convince? My sister or myself? “It’s in the past, and I have a great boyfriend and a good life and—”

  My hand was cocooned in hers. “And what? I know that in your heart of hearts you have not forgotten him. Not completely. You need to be tough this time. Tell him to go find another Tina and go f—”

  I stuck a finger over her lips, preventing her from cursing out loud. I abhorred cursing. The teacher in me cringed anytime my ears were assailed by bad language. Jem had always made fun of me because of it. He said I was an old woman trapped in the body of a young one. I didn’t mind. I loved it when he teased me.

  “I know, I know. Don’t worry about it. I have moved on.” I sounded a lot more certain than I really felt. “He is the past. Dave is the future.”

  My sister squeezed my hand. “He was not even the past, honey. He never loved you. Not that way.” I knew that, but it still stung. A lot. I felt tears burning in the back of my eyes, and a wave of heat climbed up my neck to my face. “Come on, let’s go and exorcise that son of a bitch from your life.”

  My sister was a true believer in rituals and magic. She claimed that even though I didn’t believe magic existed—not the hocus-pocus kind—the simple act of performing a ritual of some kind to exorcise bad vibes would make me feel better. She had ceremonies for everything. When we were in high school, she made me write this long letter to a friend who had betrayed me and then dragged me to a clearing in the woods by the school and burned it with great aplomb. She was known for muttering gibberish she called spells, and you could always find a myriad of crystals inside her pockets.

  “Oh God, what are you going to make me do this time?” My horrified tone made her laugh. A few seconds later she was sprinting down the street, dragging me behind her. “Where are we going, crazy woman?”

  “To Polka Dots & Eye of Newt. I know the owner, a witch.” Celia was always able to say the most ridiculous things and sound totally reasonable. “She’ll have a good spell to get that asshole out of your life for good.” Deep inside I wanted to yell, He’s not an asshole, but I knew she was right. He had left me, his best friend from childhood, to follow a stupid girl he barely knew.

  Polka Dots & Eye of Newt was a quaint little shop with a black canopy over the front door and a bay window promising the onlooker a collection of oddities and curiosities should they decide to enter. I sighed loudly. “Celia, this is ridiculous. How is magic going to help me?”

  I was unceremoniously pulled through the doorway and into the dim store. The air was heavy with exotic smells and I felt an irresistible urge to sneeze and scratch my nose. I noticed a tiny, skinny young woman standing behind the counter. Her huge square glasses had slid down her nose and were now precariously hanging from the upturned tip.

  “Marcy,” my sister called. That sounded like a ludicrous name for a witch. “This is my sister, Emily Rose. She needs a spell or potion to get this guy to stay out of her life for good.”

  Ma
rcy, the so-called witch, looked up at us and smiled. She was missing a tooth in front, and her face was covered in freckles. “Hey, Celia. Pleasure to meet you, Emily Rose. Boyfriend trouble?”

  “No, no boyfriend trouble at all.” I hurried to correct her before she put some kind of spell on poor Dave. “And it’s Em.”

  “Someone from her past,” Celia clarified. “Can you help her?”

  The witch, her bright red hair wrapped tightly into a bun on the top of her head, smiled a big semitoothless smile and waved her hand toward the counter. “Come closer. Of course I have something to do the trick.”

  I couldn’t help it. “Why the toothless look?” I thought maybe she wanted to look more like a real witch.

  Her smile was contagious, and I found that I actually liked this little witch. “I fell riding my bike and busted a tooth a couple days ago. I’m waiting for my dentist to perform his magic.” She giggled at the pun.

  Part of me was disappointed. Without that tooth she looked like a cross between Pippi Longstocking and the Wicked Witch of the West. “Ouch. You’re okay?”

  “I’m fine. A little sore across the mouth, but it could have been a lot worse.” Kudos for her positivity. I liked her. “So, you need to get rid of someone from your past. A boyfriend?”

  She had led us into a small parlor and we were now sitting on two old but comfortable flowery couches. “No, just a very good friend.”

  “Who she loved more than life itself,” my sister added with her usual dramatic flair. I gave her the look of death. It didn’t faze her at all. “He’s back after an absence of five years, during which he never called or wrote to her.”

  “That has to sting.” Duh. It sure didn’t feel good. “So we need to find something to keep this bastard at bay?”

  “He came crawling back to her asking for forgiveness, and she’ll give it to him, I’m sure.” My sister, the seer. She had a point though. “You need to make her stop being such a pushover for this guy.”

  “I’m not a pushover.” No one was listening to me. Marcy was chewing on the tip of one of her very long blue nails and scrunching her eyes as if in deep thought. I gave up and slid down into the cozy cushions.

  “I need more information.” Marcy’s bright blue eyes were stuck on mine. “Why did he leave? And why is he back?”

  We talked for a while, Pippi double-asking questions and uttering hums as we answered. Finally satisfied, she sprang from her seat and ran to the back of the store. We could hear the sounds of glass hitting glass and the shuffling of papers. On her return, Marcy had a couple dust bunnies stuck to her hair and her orange sweater. “I got it!” The announcement was accompanied by her hand being thrust in front of me.

  There was a small vial of a greenish liquid in her hand. “What’s that?” If she thought I was going to drink that disgusting-looking concoction, she had another thing coming.

  “It’s a repellent potion.” I almost fell off the couch. What? “You wear it like a perfume—it smells very nice—and it will keep him away from you. After a few weeks, he will be gone for good and will never bother you again.”

  She had to be kidding! My sister, knowing exactly what I was going to say, jumped in before I could open my mouth. “We’ll take it. How much?”

  “Free for friends.” Because it wouldn’t work. “Keep me apprised of what’s happening. That’s payment enough for me. Oh, and a cleansing couldn’t hurt.”

  Was she suggesting I was dirty? “A cleansing?”

  “Get some pictures of him, mementos of your past together, put them in a container and burn them. It will give you some closure.” That actually sounded like a good idea. I had seen people do that in movies and I had always wanted to do it. Maybe this witch thing wouldn’t be that bad after all.

  “Thank you, Marcy.” I walked toward the exit with my sister in tow. “It was very nice meeting you.”

  Back in the fresh air, I took a deep breath and looked at my crazy sister. Celia’s beautiful, curly blonde hair was twirling around her head and face as the wind gusted all around us. I loved her dearly, but she could be such a pain in the you-know-what. “Thank you so much for this exhilarating experience.”

  Instead of getting upset at my deeply sarcastic tone, she laughed. “You’re very welcome.” Oblivious, as usual. “Don’t let her quirky looks deceive you. Marcy’s stuff really works.”

  I gave her a skeptical look. “Did you see the color of that potion? Do you really think it’s safe to wear?”

  We walked slowly, fighting against the strong wind, the edges of our sweaters flapping around us like flags. “Yes, absolutely. You need to wear that. It will work, you’ll see. But we have to go to your place and pick up some stuff to burn.”

  The idea of burning anything that held a memory for me was suddenly not something I looked forward to in spite of my earlier excitement. “Maybe we could just skip that step, Celia.” Aware that I sounded a little whiny, I bit my lip. “I know you’re trying to help, but I’m a little overwhelmed right now.”

  In her usual exuberant fashion, my sister threw her arms around me in a bear hug. “I know, sis. You’ll be okay.”

  We spent the rest of the day shopping, the usual go-to female strategy to cure all evils. Normally shopping would not be my chosen therapy—I actually despised it—but in this instance it seemed just the thing the doctor ordered. My wallet was not happy at the end of the day, as I walked into my house dragging more bags than Santa on Christmas Eve. Celia had taken a cab home with just as many—or more.

  My couch was calling, so I threw all the bags on the floor of my bedroom, changed quickly into some yoga pants and a comfy T-shirt, and slid myself along the inviting expanse that was my sofa. Sleep must have taken me because the next thing I knew there was a loud banging on my door. Half asleep, I crawled off the couch and went to look through the peephole. The sight of both Dave and Jem standing together outside my door confused me so much I froze. Was I having a bizarre dream?

  The knocking resumed even louder. “Yes?” I risked in a shaky voice.

  “It’s me, Dave. Will you open this damn door already?” His familiar voice soothed my nerves, but he did not sound happy. For a while now I had been thinking about giving Dave a key to my house, but the little nagging voice inside me that always seemed so unsure of everything wouldn’t let me. He must have been waiting outside for some time.

  When I opened the door I held my breath for a moment. It had not been a dream; Jem was indeed standing right next to Dave on my welcome mat. “Jem? What are you doing here?” Then, realizing I had totally ignored my own boyfriend, I stepped forward and rose on my tiptoes to kiss Dave on the lips. “Hi, Dave. Sorry. I was asleep.”

  Dave had a rare scowl on his face as he stepped inside quickly followed by Jem. “Aren’t you going to introduce us?” Dave nodded toward Jem.

  My heart skipped a beat. Did I really have to? “Sorry. Dave, this is Jeremy Peter, an old childhood friend.” Who abandoned me five years ago. “Jem, this is Dave, my boyfriend.” Jem’s subtle start at the word boyfriend gave me a measure of satisfaction. Did he think I was going to stay home waiting for him to come back and not have a life? Shit, we weren’t even romantically involved. “Jem has been away in Europe for the past few years and just came back.”

  Dave visibly relaxed as he slid an arm over my shoulders. “Nice to meet you, then, Jeremy.” He stretched a welcoming hand toward the other man.

  Jem, looking a little unsettled, shook his hand. “Thank you. Nice to meet you, too. And it’s Jem.”

  Dave offered him one of his amazing, generous smiles and waved toward the living room. “Come in, come in.” A wave of anger ran through me. How dare he? This was my house, not his. But he’s your boyfriend, stupid. Swallowing my unreasonable resentment, I led the way into my living room and offered Jem a seat.

  “So, how did the two of you meet?” Damn it, Dave!

  Jem sat down and looked at Dave with a question in his eyes. I could almost hear hi
m thinking, Is this guy for real? “Well, we met in preschool and have been friends ever since.”

  “We were friends until he left for Europe. We haven’t seen or talked to each other since.” My voice was bitter, I knew. And the anger I felt in my heart was certainly blazing out of my eyes as I stared at him. He gulped. “The question is how come you were both at my door at the same time?”

  Dave, sitting next to me, pulled me against his side and kissed my cheek. “I came to get you and go grab a bite to eat, and Jeremy—I mean, Jem here—showed up almost exactly at the same time.”

  Unusually quiet, Jem looked from Dave to me and back. “I just came to say hi.” If that wasn’t the weakest excuse ever, I didn’t know what was.

  Dave stood up, towering over me with that skyscraper body of his. “Well, why don’t you come with us for a bite? Then you two will have a chance to catch up, and I’ll get to know you a little better.” That sounded peachy. Awkward, meet totally awkward.

  I jumped in, desperate to end this weird situation. “I’m sure Jeremy Peter is busy. Looking for a job and whatnot.”

  Jem’s lip trembled. “Actually, I have nothing to do today. I just came from a job interview and I’m free for the evening.”

  I hate you. Except, I didn’t.

  “That’s settled. Go put on something presentable, sweetheart.” Dave could be so clueless sometimes. My pointed glares didn’t seem to hold any meaning for him at all. Jem would have got it. In fact, I could tell he knew exactly what I was thinking, for a tiny smile appeared on the corner of his mouth. The devil was having fun!

  No point in fighting it. I did what Dave had asked me, and in no time I was sitting at the Thai restaurant around the corner with my boyfriend and the man I had so fiercely loved most of my life. Not weird at all.