Volpone and Other Plays

by Ben Jonson

  LEATHERHEAD: Or what do you say to a drum, sir?

  BUSY: It is the broken belly of the Beast, and thy bellows there are his lungs, and these pipes are his throat, those feathers are of his tail, and thy rattles the gnashing of his teeth.

  TRASH: And what’s my gingerbread, I pray you?

  70 BUSY: The provender that pricks him up. Hence with thy basket of popery, thy nest of images, and whole legend of ginger-work.

  LEATHERHEAD: Sir, if you be not quiet the quicklier, I’ ll ha’ you clapped fairly by the heels for disturbing the Fair.

  BUSY: The sin of the Fair provokes me; I cannot be silent.

  DAME PURECRAFT: Good Brother zeal!

  LEATHERHEAD: Sir, I’ ll make you silent, believe it.

  LITTLEWIT [aside to LEATHERHEAD]: I’ d give a shilling you could, i’ faith, friend.

  LEATHERHEAD: Sir, give me your shilling; I’ ll give you my shop if I do not, and I’ ll leave it in pawn with you i’ the meantime.

  80 LITTLEWIT: A match i’faith, but do it quickly, then.

  [Exit LEATHERHEAD.]

  BUSY: Hinder me not, woman.

  He speaks to the widow.

  I was moved in spirit to be here this day in this Fair, this wicked and foul Fair – and fitter may it be called a Foul than a Fair – to protest against the abuses of it, the foul abuses of it, in regard of the afflicted Saints, that are troubled, very much troubled, exceedingly troubled, with the opening of the merchandise of Babylon again, and the peeping of popery upon the stalls, here, here, in the high places. See you not Goldylocks, the purple strumpet, there, in her yellow gown and green sleeves? the

  90 profane pipes, the tinkling timbrels? A shop of relics!

  LITTLEWIT: Pray you forbear, I am put in trust with ’em.

  BUSY: And this idolatrous grove of images, this flasket of idols! which I will pull down –

  Overthrows the gingerbread.

  TRASH: O my ware, my ware, God bless it!

  BUSY: – in my zeal, and glory to be thus exercised.

  LEATHERHEAD enters with OFFICERS.

  LEATHERHEAD: Here he is. Pray you lay hold on his zeal; we cannot sell a whistle, for him, in tune. Stop his noise first!

  BUSY: Thou canst not; ’tis a sanctified noise. I will make a loud and most strong noise, till I have daunted the profane enemy.

  100 And for this cause –

  LEATHERHEAD: Sir, here’s no man afraid of you or your cause. You shall swear it i’ the stocks, sir.

  BUSY: I will thrust myself into the stocks, upon the pikes of the land.

  LEATHERHEAD: Carry him away.

  DAME PURECRAFT: What do you mean, wicked men?

  BUSY: Let them alone; fear I them not.

  [Exeunt OFFICERS with BUSY, followed by DAME PURECRAFT.]

  LITTLEWIT: Was not this shilling well ventured, Win, for our liberty? Now we may go play, and see over the Fair, where we

  110 list, ourselves. My mother is gone after him, and let her e’ en go and lose us.

  MISTRESS LITTLEWIT: Yes, John, but I know not what to do.

  LITTLEWIT: For what, Win?

  MISTRESS LITTLEWIT: For a thing i am ashamed to tell you, i’ faith, and ‘tis too far to go home.

  LITTLEWIT: I pray thee be not ashamed, Win. come, i’ faith thou shall not be ashamed. Is it anything about the hobby-horse- man? An’t be, speak freely.

  120 MISTRESS LITTLEWIT: Hang him, base bobchin, I scorn him. No, I have very great what sha’ call ’urn, john.

  LITTLEWIT: O! Is that all, win? we’ll go back to Captain jordan; to the pig-woman’s, Win. he’ll help us, or she with a dripping pan, or an old kettle, or something. The poor greasy soul loves you, Win, and after we’ ll visit the Fair all over, Win, and see my puppet-play, Win; you know it’s a fine matter, Win.

  [Exeunt LITTLEWIT and MISTRESS LITTLEWIT.]

  LEATHERHEAD: Let’s away; I counselled you to pack up afore, Joan.

  TRASH: A pox of his Bedlam purity. He has spoiled half my ware; but the best is, we lose nothing if we miss our first merchant.

  130 LEATHERHEAD: It shall be hard for him to find or know us when we are translated, Joan.

  [Exeunt.]

  IV, i [The Fair].

  [Booths and stalls, as before, and a pair of stocks.]

  [Enter BRISTLE and HAGGIS, with JUSTICE OVERDO, followed by COKESand WTROUBLB-ALL.]

  [TROUBLE-ALL:] My Masters, I do make no doubt but you are officers.

  BRISTLE: What then, sir?

  TROUBLE-ALL: And the king’s loving and obedient subjects.

  BRISTLE: Obedient, friend? Take heed what you speak, I advise you; Oliver Bristle advises you. His loving subjects, We grant you; but not his obethent, at this time, by your leave. We know ourselves a little better than so. We are to command, sir, and such as you are to be obedient. Here’s one of his obedient subjects

  10 going to the stocks, and we’ ll make you such another, if you talk.

  TROUBLE-ALL: You are all wise enough i’ your places, I know.

  BRISTLE: If you know it, sir, why do you bring it in question?

  TROUBLE-ALL: I question nothing, pardon me. I do only hope you have warrant for what you do, and so, quit you, and so, multiply you.

  He goes away again.

  HAGGIS: What’s he? Bring him up to the stocks there. Why bring you him not up?

  [TROUBLE-ALL] comes again.

  TROUBLE-ALL: If you have justice overdo’s warrant, ‘tis well;

  20 you are safe. This is the warrant of warrants. I’ ll not give this button for any man’s warrant else.

  BRISTLE: Like enough, sir; but let me tell you, an’ you play away your buttons thus, you will want ’em ere night, for any store I see about you. You might keep ‘em, and save pins, I wusse.

  [TROUBLE-ALL] goes away.

  OVERDO [aside]: What should he be, that doth so esteem and advance my warrant? He seems a sober and discreet person! It is a comfort to a good conscience to be followed with a good fame in his sufferings. The world will have a pretty taste by this, how I can bear adversity; and it will beget a kind of reverence toward me hereafter, even from mine enemies, when they shall

  30 see I carry my calamity nobly, and that it doth neither break me nor bend me.

  HAGGIS: Come, sir, here’s a place for you to preach in. Will you put in your leg?

  They put him in the stocks.

  OVERDO: That I will, cheerfully.

  BRISTLE: O’ my conscience, a seminary! He kisses the stocks.

  COKES: Well, my masters, I’ ll leave him with you; now I see him bestowed, I’ ll go look for my goods and Numps.

  HAGGIS: You may, sir, I warrant you; where’s the tother bawler? Fetch him too, You shall find ’em both fast enough.

  40 [Exit COKES.]

  OVERDO [aside]: In the midst of this tumult I will yet be the author of mine own rest, and, not minding their fury, sit in the stocks in that calm as shall be able to trouble a triumph.

  [TROUBLE-ALL] comes again.

  TROUBLE-ALL: Do you assure me upon your words? May I undertake for you, if I be asked the question, that you have this warrant?

  HAGGIS: What’s this fellow, for God’s sake?

  TROUBLE-ALL: Do but show me Adam Overdo, and i am satisfied.

  Goes out.

  BRISTLE: He is a fellow that is distracted, they say – one Trouble-all.

  50 He was an officer in the court of Pie-powders here last year, and put out on his place by Justice overdo.

  OVERDO: Ha!

  BRISTLE: Upon which he took an idle conceit, and’s run mad upon’t. So that ever since, he will do nothing but by Justice overdo’s warrant; he will not eat a crust, nor drink a little, nor make him in his apparel ready. His wife, sir reverence, cannot get him make his water or shift his shirt without his warrant.

  60 OVERDO [aside]: If this be true, this is my greatest disaster! How am I bound to satisfy this poor man, that is of so good a nature to me, out of his wits, where there is no room left fo
r dissembling!

  [TROUBLE-ALL] comes in.

  TROUBLE-ALL: If you cannot show me Adam overdo, I am in doubt of you. I am afraid you cannot answer it.

  Goes again.

  HAGGIS: Before me, neighbour Bristle, (and now I think on’t better) Justice Overdo is a very peremptory person.

  BRISTLE: O! are you advised of that? And a severe Justicer, by your leave.

  70 OVERDO [aside]: Do I hear ill o’ that side, too?

  BRISTLE: He will sit as upright o’ the bench, an’ you mark him, as a candle i’ the socket, and give light to the whole court in every business.

  HAGGIS: But he will burn blue and swell like a boil (God bless us!) an’ he be angry.

  BRISTLE: Ay, and he will be angry too, when he list, that’s more; and when he is angry, be it right or wrong, he has the law on’s side ever. I mark that too.

  OVERDO [aside]: I will be more tender hereafter. I see compassion

  80 may become a Justice, though it be a weakness, I confess, and nearer a vice than a virtue.

  HAGGIS: Well, take him out o’ the stocks again. We’ll go a sure way to work; we’ll ha’ the ace of hearts of our side, if we can.

  They take the JUSTICE out.

  [Enter POACHER and OFFICERS with BUSY, followed by DAME PURECRAFT.]

  POACHER: Come, bring him away to his fellow, there. Master Busy, we shall rule your legs, I hope, though we cannot rule your tongue.

  BUSY: No, minister of darkness, no, thou canst not rule my tongue; my tongue it is mine own, and with it I will both knock and mock down your Barthormew-abominations, till you be

  90 made a hissing to the neighbour parishes round about.

  HAGGIS: Let him alone; we have devised better upon’t.

  DAME PURECRAFT: And shall he not into the stocks then?

  BRISTLE: No, mistress, we’ ll have ’em both to Justice Overdo, and let him do over ’em as is fitting. Then I and my gossip haggis and my beadle poacher are discharged.

  DAME PURECRAFT: O, I thank you, blessed, honest men!

  BRISTLE: Nay, never thank us, but thank this madman that comes here. He put it in our heads.

  [TROUBLE-ALL] comes again.

  DAME PURECRAFT: Is he mad? now heaven increase his

  100 madness, and bless it, and thank it; sir, your poor handmaid thanks you.

  TROUBLE-ALL: Have you a warrant? An’ you have a warrant, show it.

  DAME PUBECRAFT: Yes, I have a warrant out of the Word, to give thanks for removing any scorn intended to the Brethren.

  [Exeunt all but TROUBLE-ALL.]

  TBOUBLE-ALL: It is Justice Overdo’s warrant that i look for. If you have not that, keep your word, I’ ll keep mine. Quit ye, and multiply ye.

  IV, ii [Enter EDGWORTH and NIGHTINGALE.]

  BDGWORTH: Come away, Nightingale, I pray thee.

  TROUBLE-ALL: Whither go you? Where’s your warrant?

  BDGWORTH: Warrant, for what, sir?

  TROUBLE-ALL: For what you go about; you know how fit it is; an’ you have no warrant, bless you, I’ ll pray for you, that’s all I can do.

  Goes out.

  BDGWORTH: What means he?

  10 NIGHTINGALE: A madman that haunts the Fair; do you not know him? It’s marvel he has not more followers after his ragged heels.

  BDGWORTH: Beshrew him, he startled me. I thought he had known of our plot. Guilt’s a terrible thing! Ha’ you prepared the coster-monger?

  NIGHTINGALE: Yes, and agreed for his basket of pears. He is at the corner here, ready.

  [Enter COSTER-MONGER.]

  And your prize, he comes down, sailing that way, all alone, without his protector; he is rid of him, it seems.

  BDGWORTH: Ay, I Know; I should ha’ followed his protectorship for a feat I am to do upon him; but this offered itself so i’

  20 the way, I could not let it ‘scape. Here he comes; whistle. Be this sport called ‘Dorring the dottrel’.

  [Enter COKES.]

  Nightingale whistles.

  NIGHTINGALE: Wh, wh, wh, wh, etc.

  COKES: By this light, I cannot find my gingerbread-wife nor my hobby-horse-man in all the fair, now, to ha’ my money again. And i do not know the way out on’t, to go home for more. Do you hear, friend, you that whistle? what tune is that you whistle?

  NIGHTINGALE: A new tune I am practising, sir.

  COKES: Dost thou know where I dwell, I pray thee? Nay, on with

  30 thy tune, I ha’ no such haste for an answer. I’ ll practise with thee.

  COSTER-MONGER: Buy any pears, very fine pears, pears fine! NIGHTINGALE sets his foot afore him, and he falls with his basket.

  COKES: Godso! a muss, a muss, a muss, a muss!

  [He helps to pick up the pears.]

  COSTER-MONGER: Good gentleman, my ware, my ware! I am a poor man. Good sir, my ware.

  NIGHTINGALE [to COKES]: Let me hold your sword, sir, it troubles you.

  COKES: Do, and my cloak, an’ thou wilt; and my hat too. COKES falls a-scrambling whilst they run away with his things.

  40 BDGWORTH: A delicate great boy! Methinks he out-scrambles ’em all. I cannot persuade myself but he goes to grammar-school yet, and plays the truant today.

  NIGHTINGALE: Would he had another purse to cut, ‘Zekiel.

  EDGWORTH: Purse? a man might cut out his kidneys, I think, and he never feel ’ em, he is so earnest at the sport.

  NIGHTINGALE: His soul is half-way out on’s body at the game.

  EDGWORTH: Away, Nightingale; that way!

  [Exit NIGHTINGALE With COKBS’s word, cloak, and hat.]

  COKES: I think I am furnished for Cather’ ne pears for one under-meal. Gi’ me my cloak.

  COSTER-MONGER: Good gentleman, give me my ware.

  COKES: Where’s the fellow I ga’ my cloak to? My cloak? and my hat? Ha! God’s lid, is he gone? Thieves, thieves! Help me to

  50 cry, gentlemen.

  He runs out.

  BDGWORTH: Away, Coster-Monger, come to us to Urs’ la’s.

  [Exit COSTER-MONGER.]

  Talk of him to have a soul? ’ Heart, if he have any more than a thing given him instead of salt, only to keep from stinking, I’ ll be hanged afore my time, presently. Where should it be, trow? In his blood? He has not so much toward it in his whole body as will maintain a good flea. And if he take this course, he will not ha’ so much land left as to rear a calf within this twelvemonth. Was there ever green plover so pulled! That his little overseer had been here now, and been but tall enough,

  60 to see him steal pears in exchange for his beaver-hat and his cloak thus! I must go find him out next, for his black box and hispatent (it seems) he has of his place; which I think the gentleman would have areversion of, that spoke to me for it so earnestly.

  [Exit.]

  He [COKES] comes again.

  COKES: Would I might lose my doublet, and hose too, as I am an honest man, and never stir, if I think there be anything but thieving and coz’ ning i’ this whole Fair. Barthol’ mew Fair, quoth he; an’ ever any Barthol’ mew had that luck in’t that I

  70 have had, I’ ll be martyred for him, and in Smithfield, too. I ha’ paid for my pears, a rot on ’ em, I’ ll keep ’ em no longer.

  Throws away his pears.

  You werechoke-pears to me; I had better ha’ gone tomum-chance for you, I wusse. Methinks the Fair should not have used me thus, an’ ’twere but for my name’s sake; I would not ha’ used a dog o’ the name so. O, Numps will triumph now!.

  TROUBLE-ALL comes again.

  Friend, do you know who I am? Or where I lie? I do not myself, I’ ll be sworn. Do butcarry. me home, and I’ ll please thee; I ha’ money enough there. I ha’ lost myself, and my cloak and my hat; and my fine sword, and my sister, and Numps, and

  80 Mistress Grace (a gentlewoman that I should ha’ married), and a cut-work handkercher she ga’ me, and two purses, today. And my bargain o’ hobby-horses and gingerbread, which grieves me worst of all.

  TROUBLE-ALL: By Whose Warrant, sir, have you
done all this?

  COKES: Warrant? thou art a wise fellow, indeed – as if a man need a warrant to lose anything with.

  TROUBLE-ALL: Yes, Justice Overdo’s warrant, a man may get and lose with, I’ ll stand to’t.

  COKES: Justice Overdo? Dost thou know him? Ilie there, he is

  90 my brother-in-law; he married my sister. Pray thee show me the way, dost thou know the house?

  TROUBLE-ALL: Sir, show me your warrant; I know nothing without a warrant, pardon me.

  COKES: Why, I warrant thee, come along. Thou shalt see i have wrought pillows there, and cambric sheets, andsweet bags too. pray thee guide me to the house.

  TROUBLE-ALL: Sir, I’ ll tell you: go you thither yourself, first, alone; tell your worshipful brother your mind; and but bring me three lines of his hand, or his clerk’s, with Adam Overdo

  100 underneath. Here I’ ll stay you; I’ ll obey you, and I’ ll guide you presently.

  COKES [aside]: ’Slid, this is an ass; I ha’ found him. Pox upon me, what do I talking to such a dull fool? – Farewell. You are a very coxcomb, do you hear?

  TROUBLE-ALL: I think I am; if Justice Overdo sign to it, I am, and so we are all; he’ ll quit us all, multiply us all.

  [Exeunt.]

  IV viii [Enter GRACE with QUARLOUS and WINWIFE.] They enter with their swords drawn.

  [GRACE:] Gentlemen, this is no way that you take. You do but breed one another trouble and offence, and give me no contentment at all. i am no she that affects to be quarrelled for, or have my name or fortune made the question of men’s swords.

  QUARLOUS: ’Slood, we love you.

  GRACE: If you both love me, as you pretend, your own reason will tell you but one can enjoy me; and to that point there leads a directer line than by my infamy, which must follow if you fight. ’Tis true, I have professed it to you ingenuously, that rather than to be yoked with this bridegroom is appointed me,

  10 I Would take up any husband, almost upon any trust. Though subtlety would say to me, I know, he is a fool, and has an estate, and I might govern him and enjoy a friend beside. But these are not my aims. I must have a husband I must love, or I cannot live with him. I shall ill make one of these politic wives!

  WINWIFE: Why, if you can like either of us, lady, say which is he, and the other shall swear instantly to desist.

  QUARLOUS: Content; I accord to that willingly.