Volpone and Other Plays

by Ben Jonson

[Enter QUARLOUS and DAME PURECRAFT.] QUARLOUS in the habit of the madman is mistaken by MISTRESS PURECRAFT.

  QUARLOUS [aside]: I have made myself as like him as his gown and cap will give me leave.

  DAME PURECRAFT: Sir, I love you, and would be glad to be mad with you in truth.

  WINWIFE: How! my widow in love with a madman?

  DAME PURECRAFT: Verily, I can be as mad in spirit as you.

  QUARLOUS: By whose warrant? Leave your canting. [To GRACE]

  20 Gentlewoman, have I found you? (Save ye, quit ye, and multiply ye.) Where’s your book? ’Twas a sufficient name I marked, let me see’t, be not afraid to show’t me.

  He desires to see the book of MISTRESS GRACE.

  GRACE: What would you with it, sir?

  QUARLOUS: Mark it again and again, at your service.

  GRACE: Here it is, sir; this was it you marked.

  QUARLOUS: ‘Palemon’? Fare you well, fare you well.

  WINWIFE: How, Palemon!

  GRACE: Yes, faith, he has discovered it to you now, and therefore ’twere vain to disguise it longer: I am yours. sir, by the benefit

  30 of your fortune.

  WINWIFE: And you have him, Mistress, believe it, that shall never give you cause to repent her benefit, but make you rather to think that, in this choice, she had both her eyes.

  GRACE: I desire to put it to no danger of protestation.

  [Exeunt WINWIFE and GRACE.]

  QUARLOUS [aside]: Palemon the word and Winwife the man?

  DAME PURECRAFT: Good sir, vouchsafe a yoke-fellow in your madness; shun not one of the sanctified sisters, that would draw with you in truth.

  QUARLOUS: Away! You are a herd of hypocritical proud ignorants,

  40 rather wild than mad, fitter for woods and the society of beasts than houses and the congregation of men. You are the second part of the society of canters, outlaws to order and discipline, and the only privileged church-robbers of Christendom. Let me alone. – [Aside] Palemon the word and Winwife the man?

  DAME PURECRAFT [aside]: I must uncover myself unto him or I shall never enjoy him, for all the cunning-men’s promises. – Good sir, hear me: I am worth six thousand pound; my love to you is become my rack; I’ ll tell you all, and the truth, since you

  50 hate the hypocrisy of the party-coloured Brotherhood. These seven years I have been a wilful holy widow only to draw feasts and gifts from my entangled suitors. I am also by office an assisting sister of the Deacons and a devourer, instead of a distributor, of the alms. I am a special maker of marriages for our decayed Brethren with our rich widows, for a third part of their wealth, when they are married, for the relief of the poor elect; as also our poor handsome young virgins with our wealthy bachelors or widowers, to make them steal from their husbands when I have confirmed them in the faith and got all

  60 put into their custodies. And if I ha’ not my bargain, they may sooner turn a scolding drab into a silent minister than make me leave pronouncing reprobation and damnation unto them. Our elder, Zeal-of-the-Land, would have had me, but I know him to be the capital knave of the land, making himself rich by being made feoffee in trust to deceased Brethren, and coz’ning their heirs by swearing the absolute gift of their inheritance. And thus, having eased my conscience and uttered my heart with the tongue of my love, enjoy all my deceits together, I beseech you. I should not have revealed this to you, but that in time I

  70 think you are mad; and I hope you’ ll think me so too, sir?

  QUARLOUS: Stand aside, I’ ll answer you presently.

  He considers with himself of it.

  Why should not I marry this six thousand pound, now I think on’t? And a good trade too, that she has beside, ha? The tother wench Win wife is sure of; there’s no expectation for me there! Here I may make myself some saver yet, if she continue mad – there’s the question. It is money that I want. Why should I not marry the money, when ’tis offered me? I have a licence and all; it is but razing out one name and putting in another. There’s no playing with a man’s fortune. I am resolved! I were truly

  80 mad an’ I would not! [To DAME PURECRAFT] Well, come your ways, follow me an’ you will be mad, I’ ll show you a warrant!

  He takes her along with him.

  DAME PURECRAFT: Most zealously; it is that I zealously desire.

  The JUSTICE calls him.

  OVERDO: Sir, let me speak with you.

  QUARLOUS: By whose warrant?

  OVERDO: The warrant that you tender and respect so: Justice Overdo’s! I am the man, friend Trouble-all, though thus disguised (as the careful magistrate ought) for the good of the republic, in the Fair, and the weeding out of enormity. Do you

  90 want a house or meat or drink or clothes? Speak whatsoever it is, it shall be supplied you. What want you?

  QUARLOUS: Nothing but your warrant.

  OVERDO: My warrant? For what?

  QUARLOUS: To be gone, sir.

  OVERDO: Nay, I pray thee stay. I am serious, and have not many words nor much time to exchange with thee. Think what may do thee good.

  QUARLOUS: Your hand and seal will do me a great deal of good; nothing else in the whole Fair, that I know.

  100 OVERDO: If it were to any end, thou should’st have it willingly.

  QUARLOUS: Why, it will satisfy me; that’s end enough to look on. An’ you will not gi’ it me, let me go.

  OVERDO: Alas! thou shalt ha’ it presently. I’ ll but step into the scrivener’s hereby and bring it. Do not go away.

  The JUSTICE goes out.

  QUARLOUS [aside]: Why, this madman’s shape will prove a very fortunate one, I think! Can a ragged robe produce these effects? If this be the wise Justice, and he bring me his hand, I shall go near to make some use on’t.

  [JUSTICE OVERDO returns.]

  He is come already!

  110 OVERDO: Look thee! here is my hand and seal, Adam Overdo; if there be anything to be written above in the paper, that thou want’st now or at any time hereafter, think on’t; it is my deed, I deliver it so; can your friend write?

  QUARLOUS: Her hand for a witness, and all is well.

  OVERDO: With all my heart.

  He urgeth MISTRESS PURECRAFT.

  QUARLOUS [aside]: Why should not I ha’ the conscience to make this a bond of a thousand pound, now? or what I would else?

  OVERDO: Look you, there it is; and I deliver it as my deed again.

  QUARLOUS: Let us now proceed in madness.

  He takes her in with him.

  OVERDO: Well, my conscience is much eased; I ha’ done my part, 120

  though it doth him no good, yet Adam hath offered satisfaction! The sting is removed from hence. Poor man, he is much altered with his affliction; it has brought him low! Now, for my other work, reducing the young man I have followed so long in love from the brink of his bane to the centre of safety. Here, or in some such like vain place, I shall be sure to find him. I will wait the good time.

  v, iii [Enter COKES, followed by the boys of the Fair.]

  [COKES:] How now? What’s here to do? Friend, art thou the master of the monuments?

  SHARKWELL: ’Tis a motion, an’t please your worship.

  OVERDO [aside]: My fantastical brother-in-law, Master Barthol’ – mew Cokes!

  COKES: A motion? What’s that?

  He reads the bill.

  ‘The ancient modern history of Hero and Leander, otherwise called The Touchstone of True Love, with as true a trial of friendship between Damon and Pythias, two faithful friends o’ the

  10 Bankside.’ Pretty i’ faith; what’s the meaning on’t? Is’t an interlude, or what is’t?

  FILCHER: Yes, sir; please you come near, we’ ll take your money within.

  The boys o’ the Fair follow him.

  COKES: Back with these children; they do so follow me up and down.

  [Enter LITTLEWIT.]

  LITTLEWIT: By your leave, friend.

  FILCHER: You must pay, sir, an’ you go in.

  LITTLEWIT: Who, I? I perce
ive thou know’st not me. Call the master o’ the motion.

  20 SHARKEBLL: what, do you not know the author, fellow Filcher? You must take no money of him; he must come in gratis. Master Littlewit is a voluntary; he is the author.

  LITTLEWIT: Peace, speak not too loud; I would not have any notice taken that I am the author till we see how it passes.

  COKES: Master Littlewit, how dost thou?

  LITTLEWIT: Master Cokes! you are exceeding well met. What, in your doublet and hose, without a cloak or a hat?

  30 COKES: I would I might never stir, as I am an honest man, and by that fire; I have lost all i’ the Fair, and all my acquaintance too. Didst thou meet anybody that I know, Master Littlewit? my man Numps, or my sister Overdo, or Mistress Grace? Pray thee, Master Litlewit, lend me some money to see the interlude here. I’ ll pay thee again, as I am a gentleman. If thou’ lt but carry me home, I have money enough there.

  LITTLEWIT: O, sir, you shall command it. What, will a crown serve you?

  COKES: I think it will. What do we pay for coming in, fellows?

  FILCHER: Twopence, sir.

  COKES: Twopence? there’s twelvepence, friend. Nay, I am a

  40 gallant, as simple as I look now, if you see me with my man about me and my artillery again.

  LITTLEWIT: Your man was i’ the stocks e’ en now, sir.

  COKES: Who, Numps?

  LITTLEWIT: Yes, faith.

  COKES: For what, i’ faith? I am glad o’ that. Remember to tell me on’t anon; I have enough now! What manner of matter is this, Master Littlewit? What kind of actors ha’ you? Are they good actors?

  LITTLEWIT: Pretty youths, sir, all children, both old and young;

  50 here’s the master of’ em –

  [Enter LEATHERHEAD.]

  LEATHERHEAD whispers to LITTIEWIT

  LEATHERHEAD: Call me not Leatherhead, but Lantern.

  LITTLEWIT: Master Lantern, that gives light to the business.

  COKES: In good time, sir, I would fain see ’ em; I would be glad drink with the young company. Which is the tiring-house?

  LEATHERHEAD: Troth sir, our tiring-house is somewhat little; we are but beginners, yet, pray pardon us; you cannot go upright in’t.

  COKES: No? Not now my hat is off? What would you have done

  60 with me if you had had me, feather and all, as I was once today? Ha’ you none of your pretty impudent boys, now, to bring stools, fill tobacco, fetch ale, and beg money, as they have at other houses? Let me see some o’ your actors.

  LITTLEWIT: Show him ’ em, show him ’ em. Master Lantern, this is a gentleman that is a favourer of the quality.

  [LEATHERHEAD goes to the puppet-theatre.]

  OVERDO [aside]: Ay, the favouring of this licentious quality is the consumption of many a young gentleman, a pernicious enormity.

  He [LEATHERHEAD] brings them out in a basket.

  COKES: What, do they live in baskets?

  70 LEATHERHEAD: They do lie in a basket, sir; they are o’ the small players.

  COKES: These be players minors, indeed. Do you call these players?

  LEATHERHEAD: They are actors, sir, and as good as any, none dispraised, for dumb shows; indeed I am the mouth of ’ em all!

  COKES: Thy mouth will hold ’ em all. I think one Taylor would go near to beat all this company, with a hand bound behind him.

  LITTLEWIT: Ay, and eat ’ em all, too, an’ they were in cake-bread.

  COKES: I thank you for that, Master Littlewit, a good jest! Which is your Burbage now?

  80 LEATHERHEAD: What mean you by that, sir?

  COKES: Your best actor, your Field?

  LITTLEWIT: Good, i’ faith! You are even with me, sir.

  LEATHERHEAD: This is he that acts young Leander, sir. He is extremely beloved of the womenkind, they do so affect his action, the green gamesters that come here; and this is lovely Hero; this with the beard, Damon; and this, pretty Pythias. This is the ghost of King Dionysius in the habit of a scrivener, as you shall see anon, at large.

  COKES: Well, they are a civil company. I like ’ em for that; they

  90 offer not to fleer, nor jeer, nor break jests, as the great players do. And then there goes not so much charge to the feasting of ’ em or making ’ em drunk, as to the other, by reason of their littleness. Do they use to play perfect? Are they never flustered?

  LEATHERHEAD: No, sir, I thank my industry and policy for it; they are as well-governed a company, though I say it – And here is young Leander, is as proper an actor of his inches; and shakes his head like an ostler.

  COKES: But do you play it according to the printed book? I have read that.

  LEATHERHEAD: By no means, sir.

  COKES: No? How then?

  LEATHERHEAD: A better way, sir; that is too learned and poetical for our audience. What do they know what Hellespont is, ‘Guilty of true love’s blood’? Or what Abydos is? Or ‘the other Sestos hight’?

  COKES: Th’ art i’ the right. I do not know myself.

  LEATHERHEAD: No, I have entreated Master Littlewit to take a little pains to reduce it to a more familiar strain for our people.

  110 COKES: How, I pray thee, good Master Littlewit?

  LITTLEWIT: It pleases him to make a matter of it, sir. But there is no such matter I assure you. I have only made it a little easy and modern for the times, sir, that’s all; as, for the Hellespont, I imagine our Thames here; and then Leander I make a dyer’s son, about Puddle Wharf; and Hero a wench o’ the Bankside, who going over one morning to Old Fish Street, Leander spies her land at Trig Stairs, and falls in love with her. Now do I introduce Cupid, having metamorphosed himself into a drawer, and he strikes Hero in love with a pint of sherry; and other

  120 pretty passages there are o’ the friendship, that will delight you, sir, and please you of judgement.

  COKES: I’ ll be sworn they shall. I am in love with the actors already, and I’ ll be allied to them presently. (They respect gentlemen, these fellows.) Hero shall be my fairing; but which of my fairings? Le’ me see – i’ faith, my fiddle! and Leander my fiddlestick; then Damon my drum, and Pythias my pipe, and the ghost of Dionysius my hobby-horse. All fitted.

  v,iv [Enter WINWIFE and GRACE.]

  [WINWIFE:] Look, yonder’s your Cokes gotten in among his playfellows. I thought we could not miss him at such a spectacle.

  GRACE: Let him alone. He is so busy, he will never spy us. COKES is handling the puppets.

  LEATHERHEAD: Nay, good sir.

  COKES: I warrant thee, I will not hurt her, fellow; what, dost think me uncivil? I pray thee be not jealous; I am toward a wife.

  LITTLEWIT: Well, good Master Lantern, make ready to begin, that I may fetch my wife, and look you be perfect; you undo me else i’ my reputation.

  10 LBATHERHEAD: I warrant you, sir. Do not you breed too great an expectation of it among your friends. That’s the only hurter of these things.

  LITTLEWIT; No, no, no.

  [Exit.]

  COKES: I’ ll stay here and see; pray thee let me see.

  WINWIFE: How diligent and troublesome he is!

  GRACE: The place becomes him, methinks.

  OVERDO [aside]: My ward, Mistress Grace; in the company of a stranger? I doubt I shall be compelled to discover myself before my time!

  [Enter KNOCKEM, EDGWORTH, and WHIT with MISTRESS OVERDO and MISTRESS LITTLEWIT, masked.]

  20 FILCHBR: Twopence apiece, gentlemen, an excellent motion!

  The doorkeepers speak.

  KNOCKEM: Shall we have fine fireworks and good vapours?

  SHARKWELL: Yes, Captain, and waterworks too.

  WHIT: I pree dee, take a care o’ dy shmall lady, there, Edgworth; I will look to dish tall lady myself.

  LEATHERHEBAD: Welcome, gentlemen; welcome, gentlemen.

  WHIT: Predee, mashter o’ de monshtersh, help a very sick lady here to a chair to shit in.

  30 LEATHERHEAD: Presently, sir.

  They bring MISTRESS OVERDO a chair.

  WHIT: Good
fait now, Urs’ la’s ale and aqua vitae ish to blame for’t; shit down, shweetheart, shit down and shleep a little.

  EDGWORTH [to MISTRESS LITTLEWIT]: Madam, you are very welcome hither.

  KNOCKEM: Yes, and you shall see very good vapours.

  OVERDO [aside]: Here is my care come! I like to see him in so good company; and yet I wonder that persons of such fashion should resort hither!

  By EDGWORTH.

  The CUTPURSE courts MISTRESS LITTLEWIT.

  EDGWORTH: This is a very private house, madam.

  40 LEATHERHEAD: Will it please your ladyship sit, madam?

  MISTRESS LITTLEWIT: Yes, good-man. They do so all-to-be-madam me, I think they think me a very lady!

  EDGWORTH: What else, madam?

  MISTRESS LITTLEWIT: Must I put off my mask to him?

  EDGWORTH: O, by no means.

  MISTRESS LITTLEWIT: How should my husband know me, then?

  KNOCKEM: Husband? an idle vapour. He must not know you, nor you him; there’s the true vapour.

  50 OVERDO [aside]: Yea, I will observe more of this. [To WHIT]

  Is this a lady, friend?

  WHIT: Aye, and dat is anoder lady, shweetheart; if dou hasht a mind to ’ em, give me twelvepence from tee, and dou shalt have eider-oder on ’ em!

  OVERDO [aside]: Ay? This will prove my chiefest enormity. I will follow this.

  EDGWORTH: Is not this a finer life, lady, than to be clogged with a husband?

  60 MISTRESS LITTLEWIT: Yes, a great deal. When will they begin, trow, in the name o’ the morion?

  EDGWORTH: By and by, madam; they stay but for company.

  KNOCKEM: Do you hear, puppet-master, these are tedious vapours; when begin you?

  LEATHERHEAD: We stay but for Master Littlewit, the author, who is gone for his wife; and we begin presently.

  MISTRESS LITTLEWIT: That’s I, that’s I.

  EDGWORTH: That was you, lady; but now you are no such poor thing.

  KNOCKEM: Hang the author’s wife, a running vapour! Here be

  70 gladies will stay for ne’ er a Delia o’ em all.

  WHIT: But hear me now, here ish one o’ de ladish ashleep; stay till she but vake, man.

  [Enter WASP.]

  WASP: How now, friends? What’s here to do?

  The door keepers again.