Shattered Heart

by Ann Stewart

  “Hey, it’ll be alright, E. This is exactly what you need.” What’s the phrase? I need this like I need a bullet to the head? Yep, that works.

  “I need welts and bruises?”

  “No, you need to lighten up. Get your mind off things.” Hugging me to his side, Bryan pulls me to the prep area and helps me with my gear. Even though I’m still not sure, I’m thankful Bryan had the wherewithal to bring extra supplies for me. Having no idea we were even coming here, the thick jacket that’s probably Rachel’s, along with goggles and all the extra equipment, was surely his plan to give me no excuse not to play.

  “A girl ain’t gonna help you win.” The mocking voice startles me and I look up through my lashes. We aren’t alone. Bryan stands as Sam, Josh, Travis, and Trevor follow and come to stand in front of me. Again? What’s with the shielding?! I only get a glimpse of the mocking man’s taut shoulders, dark green eyes and slicked back hair. If he wasn’t so attractive, I might be scared of his menacing stare. Is it a prerequisite to be a man-sicle if you want to paintball?

  Pushing past the blockade of muscle, Bryan teases back. “She’s our secret weapon. You guys won’t know what hit you.” With a smirk, the sinful guy tries to eye me, but Bryan bobs and weaves in his way. Secret weapon? Ha! If he even knew. This little charade would be comical if I wasn’t scared shitless.

  Trevor stays behind Bryan, talking to the guy over Bryan’s shoulder. “I suggest you stop trying to eye fuck her, asshole.” I choke on my spit holding back a giggle.

  Puckering his lips, the guy blows a kiss in my direction as I cower behind my first line of defense. “See you out there, sweetheart,” he sing-songs in a seductive voice and walks away.

  “What a fucking prick,” Trevor’s voice breaks the tension as the guys all chuckle in unison. “You okay, E?”

  I nod, letting Bryan tighten my elbow pads and then hand me my helmet. My nervous stomach flips as the boys lead me to the arena. No words are exchanged. I can only see the tightening of muscles and the tensing of jaw lines. It appears that Bryan and his buddies don’t like their adversaries very much, which after my first impression, I can understand why.

  “Keep your head down. Try not to get shot. Only shoot at the other team. Remember, don’t. shoot. our. team. Okay?” He continues to ramble about the ins and outs of paintball, and I can no longer concentrate. Because just when I think he’s done babbling, he goes and pushes me into oblivion. “I know about you and Alex.” My mouth drops. And then, like he didn’t mention anything, he continues his speech about the game. “I’m a guy. Guys get their minds off their personal problems by causing pain and kicking the crap out of other people. What a better way than paintball?”

  “Bryan…”

  “Lock em’ and load em,” Trevor’s excited yell shatters the screaming in my head before I can continue my conversation with Bryan. ‘I know about you and Alex.’ What the hell? How does he know anything? I’m going to strangle my sister.

  I have about two point five seconds to wallow in my embarrassment before the bullhorn sounds, starting the match. I’m frozen, but the second a red fiery looking ball comes flying past my cheek, I instinctually run for cover. With my back pressed against the wall I start to crawl along the floor, hoping to avoid fire while these ridiculous boys battle it out.

  I don’t want to play this game. Why did Brian even think this would be fun? Why did he think this would help my pity party? And how the hell does he know anything about me and Alex?

  Suddenly, one of the opponents tumbles from around the corner as I hear Travis yelling profanities from the other side of the wall. In a moment of panic, I squeeze the trigger several times, bright pink splatters dart across his chest as he grunts in defeat.

  “FUCK! I got taken out by a fucking girl?!” He picks himself off the floor and walks away with his head in his hands. Sucker.

  A rush of adrenaline hits me. I feel powerful. With heartache pushed to the backburner, I scramble to get my head in the game. Right here, right now, nothing else matters except the knowledge that my teammates need me. There is a lot in my life that I have no control over, but in this moment, in this game, I can control the outcome. I can rise above the fear and come out victorious. I may not be able to win at life, but I can win at this.

  ~~~~~

  I’m sweaty and bruised by the time the matches are over, but it was the best hour I’ve had in weeks. The first time since my visit to New York that I’ve felt alive. Running around, laughing and scared, brought me back to life. Made me realize I haven’t stopped breathing.

  Regardless of the emptiness and fear I feel on a daily basis, this rough, mindless game gave me something back; a reminder that my life isn’t over. I’ve loved, loved with all of my heart and in the end, love wasn’t enough, but at least I’ve had that once in a lifetime love. Most people don’t get to say the same. And even after all the turmoil, my heart still beats. From afar, I have the chance to love Alex. I have control over guaranteeing his and Nana’s safety and today, this was a reminder that I made that choice, not for me, but for them. A choice that I have to live with, but, it’s my choice.

  Bumping my shoulder, Bryan’s wide grin initiates my smile. He knew what I needed; somehow he knew that this ridiculous game would bring me out of my funk. I have to thank him. But first, I have to find out, “Bryan, what did you mean that you know about me and Alex?”

  Watching him with curious eyes, I have to catch myself from bouncing in my seat waiting to find out what he knows. I know he’s searching my eyes, to make sure of what, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s to make sure my heart can handle any sort of knowledge about Alex without losing myself. I don’t know. But, whatever he saw, he must know I’m ok. Or, at least that I’m not going to go all crazy on his ass in public. Because after what felt like hours, but in reality was only a few seconds, he decides to answer me.

  “He called me last night and I met up with him for a drink. I know that if he’s taking it this hard, you must…well, I figured you might need something to get your mind off of things.”

  Bryan saw Alex. Bryan was with Alex. My Alex. I’m tempted to ask him about their conversation, but what could he tell me that I don’t already know. And unfortunately, I know more than both of them. So, there’s really only one thing I have to ask. “Is he okay?”

  “I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t seen him better. He loves you…you know that right?” I nod and look away. “Is it this new guy you’ve been seeing?”

  Whipping my head to face Bryan, I glare at him for even mentioning such a ridiculous notion. “Bryan…I love him. It’s not because of another guy; it’s just not our time. Did Alex say that I’m seeing someone else?”

  Bryan avoids my question, but thankfully understands me enough that he knows I won’t elaborate any further. But, instead of completely dropping it like I assumed he would, he adds his own two cents. “Elyssa, this isn’t the end for you guys. I think you’ll find your way back to one another. Maybe not now, but eventually you will.”

  Nudging him, I lean my head on his shoulder and sigh. “Since when did you get all sentimental?”

  “Since your sister came into my life.” I smile up at him as we watch the guys remove their gear and mock the other team.

  With a knowing smirk, Trevor approaches. “You guys want to grab something to eat?”

  “Absolutely,” I answer before Bryan even has a chance to think of a response. It’s been long enough that I’ve wallowed in my pain. I’m done with the pouting and I’m ready to see the other side of my life story.

  CHAPTER 3

  Monday, November 19, 2012

  *Love is in the air. I can feel it. He’s baaack.*

  Irritatingly optimistic, while a great quality in a friend, a horrible facet when trying to get over said love. But, instead of reading Janice’s text and scampering for the hills, I’m like a meerkat popping my head above my cubicle wall for a glimpse of Alex. A complete glutton for punishment, I know.

 
Up until now, my sad attempts have been futile, only seeing him from afar. But, just as I was about to give up my bobbing and weaving, because frankly I was getting a little sick, my luck changed. When I got up to grab a fax, I caught the very exquisite, very toned, backside of Alex as he walked toward the conference room. Unfortunately, as fast as my temperature rose to the nth degree, the immediate pang of disappointment zapped me back to reality when I realized he had every opportunity to turn towards me, and didn’t.

  Not that I can blame him, not after our last exchange. In fact, I should be the one ignoring him after how he reacted at my presence. Yah right, like I could ignore him.

  Before Alex came back, I had become a robot; the same mindless routine day in and day out. It’s mindboggling how much your body becomes accustomed to the dull ache pining away in your chest. My senses were numb to everything. But now, now I don’t know how I lived without him. With only the slight possibility of being able to see him, to be in the same room, the same situations as him, it stirs excitement and anxiety in one big ball of emotion. It’s as if my body and mind are at war with one another, such conflict raging inside of me is exhausting.

  I’ve felt the suffocation of missing him every moment of every day since his departure. And even though it’s only been a few days, I’m already basking in the deep breaths of assurance knowing he’s near. His gravitational pull is so immensely strong; Alex has become as essential to me as breathing.

  And near he is. Finally. Dressed in a simple black suit with matching skinny tie, my breath hitches when I see him out of the corner of my eye. His thick, tousled silky brown hair is longer, ultimately causing my fingers to ache. With a devilishly sexy smirk, Alex stalks in my direction. I turn in my chair, trying desperately to focus on my keyboard, hands shaking as I stare at the black keys. With one look, one spark, he controls the constant aching in my core, something which has been dormant since he left. Further detailing that he owns my body. My heart. My soul.

  I know he’s close, so close I can feel my body tremble for him. I’ve been patiently waiting in anticipation all morning, and now that he’s near I want nothing more than to swivel my chair and face him, to stand up to him, to make him believe he has no affect on me. But instead, I crumble when he whispers, “Elyssa.” My eyes flutter, and when I finally take the chance to turn to face him, I’m floored. His pouty lips perk up in a dimpled grin, body language completely at ease. The opposite of how I left him on Thursday night.

  “Hi,” I whisper in doubt. If I can hear the quivering in my voice through the simple greeting, I know he can as well.

  A hint of nerves stretch across his body, showing off his tense muscles hidden underneath his tailored suit as he crosses his arms. His jaw line taut, “I need a favor.” His begging tone in combination with his puppy dog eyes makes ‘yes’ an inevitable answer.

  “Sure…anything.” I would do anything for him. Well, anything within my power.

  Watching me closely, waiting in anticipation, his scorching eyes burn into me, testing my weakness for him. “I need you to stay late and help me catch up.”

  And there it is. If I didn’t know he was my weakness before, I do now. I should say no. No one in my position should say yes. It will lead to expectations and drama we both need to stay clear of. But, the woman in me, the one that wants to take care of him for eternity, knows what his past week has cost him. His work load must be absolutely crazy after the week away taking care of Nana.

  I also know this is a disaster waiting to happen; a never wavering slow moving truck, headed right in my direction. I shake my head clear of all this nonsense. Of course I can do this. I can help him and retain some sort of self control over my raging hormones. I can be selfless through this difficult time without crossing the lines that I, no we, have a tendency to blur.

  But, I at least need to give him one more chance to back out knowing what a colossal fuck up this might turn into. “Alex, are you sure you want me…”

  “Yes, I want you…” his voice trails off as I close my eyes. I want you too, Alex. “I need you…” Shaking his head he looks down at the ground with a grin. It seems no matter what words he uses, the underlining meaning is always there.

  Make the pain go away; make the hurt stop. Please… “Ok…I’ll help,” I whisper, fidgeting with my fingers.

  “Thanks. Meet me in my office at five.” His office?! Shit!

  ~~~~~

  Frozen where I stand, I take in the sight of him. Door left open, he isn’t aware I’ve reached his office. And I thank the lucky stars he hasn’t. His suit jacket is slung over the back of his black leather office chair, no longer sporting his slim black tie. Instead, he looks comfortable with the two top buttons of his dress shirt undone, sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

  When his eyes drift open to meet mine, my body melts while I attempt to tame the cowering beast inside. Although anxious, I shake it off with a small nervous wave as I approach his desk. You can do this, Ely.

  The ache between my legs grows as I inch closer and fight the desperate urge to reach out and wrap my arms around him. These dangerous thoughts force me to delve into the last time we were together. New York. New York was incredible, impulsive, and nothing short of amazing. I can still feel his lips brushing aggressively against my skin, his hands urgently running across the length of my body. I can feel it as if it were yesterday…

  “God, I’ve missed you,” his voice quivers as his mouth runs along the curve of my neck. “I’ve thought of you every second since I left.”

  “Shhh…Alex…don’t speak. Just kiss me.” I grip the back of his head, forcing his lips to mine. I relish this moment of perfection knowing it’s only for tonight.

  Seeing Alex in the lobby of the hotel was a blessing and a curse. No words exchanged, just a look. One look was all it took and the moment our eyes met the weeks of isolation and avoidance vanished. Time spent with Oliver were a distant memory and all I wanted was him. The electricity between us unquestionable, my legs moved before my mind could catch up. And by that time I was already in Alex’s arms. I don’t even remember how we got to his room, but the moment we were behind closed doors our reunion turned pornographic.

  Lifting me, Alex pins me against the wall, hands traveling up my thighs pushing up my skirt, fingers digging painfully into the skin of my ass. A moan escapes my lips before taking his mouth, sucking on his bottom lip, teasing his tongue with mine. With a deep growl, Alex brushes his fingers against my aching core before ripping my panties, discarding them to the floor.

  His fingers find my wet core and my body immediately begins to tremble when they glide along my folds. After weeks without him, my body reacts to his absence by grinding against his strong hand.

  “Alex…” I moan, running my tongue along the stubble of his chin.

  “I fucking love you…” he growls as his nails dig deeper into my skin.

  My heart swells with emotion at his simple words. I bite my bottom lip while Alex focuses on my breasts. Pulling down the neck of my blouse he pushes down the top of my bra, exposing my nipple. He takes it into his mouth, sucking aggressively, moaning against my flushed skin.

  “Say it. Even if you have to lie to me…say it.”

  Closing my eyes, I tip my head back breathing in his musky scent and feel the rising pleasure with each lap of Alex’s hot tongue against my sensitive skin. “What Alex…I’ll say anything just please, please don’t stop…”

  Lifting his head from my rising chest, I sigh in disappointment from the lost warmth of his mouth. As I look into his eyes I see the torture of the past couple of weeks reflected back at me. I’ve hurt him, I’m hurting him now, but I can’t stop. This feels right. Leaning in, Alex softly kisses my lips before resting his forehead against mine. So tender my heart splinters. “Tell me you still love me. I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but I need to hear it.”

  “Hey…” I reach up grasping the sides of his face forcing him to look at me. “It’s not a lie. I d
on’t have to lie. I do love you. I know it seems like…” my voice trails off as Alex interrupts me, his mouth crashing down on mine.

  “That’s all I wanted to hear. I don’t care about anything else.” Alex pushes himself against me as we both eagerly undo his belt. Lifting my legs, I dig the heels of my feet against his jeans, pushing down his pants, bringing his boxers along with them. Within seconds he’s deep inside me and all the stress from the past few weeks have completely vanished.

  I love him and I’ll live in this for as long as I can.

  “Elyssa?” With my thoughts in the past, Alex’s voice is white noise against my memories. “Come back to me.” He pleads.

  I shake the lingering thoughts out of my head and focus back on him. “I’m sorry what were you saying?”

  “You were out of it for a second there. Is something wrong?” Alex’s face is a mixture of concern and curiosity.

  “Uh…umm…no…nothing,” I stammer, hoping beyond hope that Alex doesn’t catch the flush I know is spreading across my cheeks. I inch closer to his desk. Focus! “So, I’m here. What do you need me to do?” I bounce on my heels, my nerves once again, taking over.

  “Well, first I need you to relax. It’s just me.” Standing, Alex strides towards me and grabs my purse and sweater, placing them on the shelf next to him. “Do you want some water?”

  I shake my head. I need more than water to deal with the onslaught of emotions. Being with him in his personal space, a place where I’ve never been before has truly confounded me. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but considering our pervious intimate relationship, it’s odd that I’ve never been here. I would like to say his office is true to who he is, but other than the dark mahogany furniture looking well taken care of, his overly large desk with matching bookshelf could have been in any other office and I wouldn’t have known it was his.