Shattered Heart

by Ann Stewart

  **Don’t you feel cheap? She buys you lunch and gets what in return?**

  Ok, that was a low blow.

  **Why aren’t you responding?**

  Desperate.

  **Shouldn’t you be back by now?**

  Bossy.

  **I thought you were over with this part of your life?!**

  Reaching for something to hold onto.

  **What happened to the Alex I used to know?**

  Realization that he no longer belongs to me settling in.

  Okay, so this wasn’t my most glorious moment, I’ll admit. But I was seeing red. My chest felt tight and I wanted to go somewhere and scream to let out all of my aggression, but instead I chose to verbally assault him via text message. I’m going to blame my verbal diarrhea completely on my pregnancy hormones. In all reality the texts could have been worse; I didn’t even drop the f-bomb once.

  By the time I head home my heart feels heavy with betrayal and pain. Considering I’ve done nothing but continuously push Alex away, I’m very aware my feelings are irrational. I know most women would probably punch me in the throat for even breaking up with him in the first place. But if they could understand that my leaving him was a selfless act, they’d know how much I do cherish him, which is why this situation is heart-stompingly unbearable for me.

  As I make my way out of the parking garage, I can still hear Arianna’s witchy cackle as she sits back and watches Alex and Sandy rekindle their relationship. Alex no longer needs her money, so maybe now they can just have pure unadulterated sex without any other pretenses. At first I thought Arianna was jealous and wanted him for herself, but now I know she’s just a heartless conniving bitch. She doesn’t want Alex with me, so instead she’s willing to push him on other women. Again, my irrational brain thinks that maybe there is something about his relationship with Sandy that makes Arianna think she would be the solution to the Elyssa debacle.

  It’s not smart to drive angry. First of all, I have road rage and by adding my shitty mood to the mix is just asking for trouble. I’m subconsciously driving, another bad decision, and since Alex is all I can think about, it’s no surprise when I end up in his driveway. I’m staring at the taillights of his BMW, seething with anger. He’s been gone all day long, but he doesn’t have enough consideration to at least text me back. Before I have a chance to think rationally, I’m stomping up his stone walkway and pounding repeatedly against his dark oak door.

  He better be alone! God help me if she’s in there, I’m going to jail. Let’s hope Janice or Rachel has bail money. If I give birth in prison, do I have to pay a co-pay for the delivery?

  It feels like an eternity passes. I’m pounding as hard as I can, so much that if I pound any harder my fist may go through the wood. I pull back my hand, ready to attack, but instead the door opens. My eyes fixate on his scorching blue eyes. Alex peers through the small crack before completely opening the door.

  This was a bad idea.

  Half naked and glistening with sweat, Alex runs his fingers through his damp, tousled hair. Sex hair?! He’s barefoot, donning only a pair of sweats which hang low off of his well defined abs. I fight the urge to step forward and run my fingers along the ripples of his stomach, running my tongue along his “V” before taking him into my mouth.

  I ignore the lust building inside of me and focus on the rage. My eyes meet his, his face showing no emotion. He actually seems irritated that I’m interrupting him.

  Bastard!

  With the frenzy of a crazy person, I push past him and stomp into his house.

  “Well, why don’t you come in, Elyssa?” His voice is eerily calm behind me as he closes the door. Don’t mind if I do, asshole!

  You know those times where you think about them afterwards and wish you handled them differently? Well, I’m pretty sure this is going to be one of those moments. My head snaps from left to right looking for any sign he’s had another woman in his house. His couches appear to be in order and there are no clothes tossed randomly on the floor. No shoes trailing down the hallway. “Where is she?” I continue to frantically speed walk around his house.

  Alex walks at a snail’s pace behind me; his voice low with a hint of irritation, “Where’s who?”

  “The woman you’ve been fucking all day long.” I turn to him and point my finger into his chest. “You have sex sweat all over you and your hair…” God, I love his hair, “…Ugh, I can’t even say it!”

  Alex doesn’t deny anything; instead he ignores my statement and stands still as stone. I look into his eyes and see nothing of the man I once thought loved me. For the first time, I feel as if I’m a stranger in his house. “Elyssa, what are you doing here?”

  “What am I doing here? What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at work!” I turn around and continue to search his house. I head to his kitchen, but quickly leave as memories of making love on his counter fight to strangle me. Memories of talking with Nana and promises made. Too many memories. Too many promises.

  I walk down the hall and stop as I reach his bedroom door. Please, please, please let her not be in there. Rubbing my sweaty palms against my thighs, I reach up to the doorknob and finally realize that I’m not sure if I have the strength to go through with this. What if she is in there? What if his bed is in complete shambles? Can my heart handle that?

  “Elyssa, what do you think you’re doing?” he utters, voice laced with annoyance yet at the same time disinterest. I glance back, my hand still resting on the doorknob. Alex is leaning his shoulder against the wall, his ankles crossed, completely relaxed. I don’t know how to take this. The weeks before he was in hot pursuit, constantly trying to touch me, showing me how he felt, and now, it’s as if a switch has been flipped and my Alex is gone.

  Isn’t this what you want Ely? You wanted him to make it easy, to move on. Mission accomplished! Suck it up.

  I ignore his question and push the door open. My eyes search the room for a sign and immediately settle on his bed. The bed isn’t made, but doesn’t necessarily show signs of passion or uninhibited sexcapades. I walk over, picking up the sheets and hold them up to my nose. I sniff, but smell nothing except for Alex and the hints of the citrus that I love.

  It’s official. He’s turned me into a raging psychopath. I’m sniffing his damn sheets! What am I going to do next? Make him drop his trousers and inspect his penis?

  I’m defeated. Slumping to the edge of his bed, I clutch at his slate grey sheets and begin to sob. I’ve been reduced to an image of the woman I once was. When they say love makes you do crazy things, they must have experienced a moment just like this.

  “Did you find what you were looking for?” Alex has his arms folded over his chest, muscles tensing as he watches me cry. I love his arms. I’ve felt cherished and safe in those arms. Now, they are clutched against his chest as if he’s protecting himself. As much as the past few weeks have tortured me knowing that I broke his heart, its worse having him act so apathetic towards me. I guess I got what I wanted. I wanted him to do something for himself, but I’m selfish and I just can’t seem to let him go.

  As I stand and brush away the dampness from my cheeks, I try to turn my tears into fuel.

  “Why didn’t you answer my texts?” I ask as calmly as I can muster.

  “Because I didn’t want to,” he explains, stubbornly. Alex rolls his tongue around in his mouth, not making eye contact, just staring at his feet.

  “Why didn’t you go back to work?” I mutter, holding back the growing unease.

  “Because I didn’t want to.” Why does he have to be so obstinate? My knuckles are white; my hands fisted so tight they begin to ache.

  “Why did you leave me and go off with her?” I know I’m hypocritical, but I think I may be having an out of body experience. My green-eyed monster completely talking on my behalf as my normal, rational self is sitting back watching as I make a spectacle out of myself. My words are complete insanity as I claim ownership over someone that I’ve claimed to ha
ve let go.

  “Because. I. Can!” Finally, he shows some emotion, raising his hands in exasperation; veins popping out of his neck as he screams from the doorway.

  “Don’t you fucking yell at me!” I scream, letting out my frustration. “You just couldn’t wait could you? The second we’re done, you had to jump into bed with someone.”

  “God! If this isn’t the pot calling the kettle black!” Alex throws his head back as he lets out a sarcastic chuckle. “What I do and who I do it with is none of your concern. Don’t you ever forget that. You. Left. Me. That was your choice!” His forearm flexing as he points in my direction.

  “I said I needed time.” With pain lacing through my veins, my voice no longer holds the same strength.

  “You said a lot of things, Elyssa. One minute we’re having sex in my office; the next minute you’re telling me you need time. One minute you’re moaning my name, panting for more as you grind on my cock, the next minute you’re asking for space. What am I supposed to think when I find out you’ve started dating and telling me to leave you alone? You need to make up your fucking mind! What do you want from me?” Alex raises his hands to his sides. I’m not so deluded to notice how sexy he is when he’s challenging me.

  You, Alex. I want you. “I don’t know, Alex,” I lie. “I said I need time to figure that out and that hasn’t changed.”

  “Well, I’m not going to be the dumb asshole who just sits around while you’re off fucking around with Oliver waiting until you realize that he’s not the guy for you.”

  “I hate this, Alex. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. This isn’t us.” My anger has subsided and the jealousy that once fueled my tirade has completely left. I slump back on his bed, resting my head in my hands. “I hate feeling like this.”

  An awkward silence creeps in and immediately I regret coming over as I relax and think about my actions. I’m about to stand up and leave when Alex finally responds. “Hate?” My head perks up. “I guess you’re finally experiencing exactly what you’ve done to me over the past month.” I stare at him in disbelief. He did this on purpose. “How does it feel, Elyssa?” Walking to me, eyes no longer burning with anger, he looks at me with his cocky, dimpled grin. “How does it feel when the tables have turned?”

  I’m dumbfounded as I watch that arrogant smirk of his spread across his lips. He toyed with me, tested my emotions this entire day, and did it without blinking an eye. What a manipulative little shit! The entire time from the moment he left with Sandy until I showed up with the psycho look in my eye at his door step, he’s been playing me.

  Yes, I’ve been deceiving, but this is completely different. My deception was for the greater good. This…well, this is just an asshole move!

  My nails dig into my palms as I grip my hands tight hoping to hold back the tears. “There’s a huge difference between what happened today and whatever craziness you have concocted in your head, Alex!”

  “You don’t say. Please enlighten me,” he chuckles, leans against the wall and places his hands into the pockets of his sweats. In my moment of insanity I almost forgot that Alex was half naked…ALMOST. I shake my head, remembering that I’m angry at him, not lusting after him and trying to recall how his skin tasted on my tongue.

  Gah! Focus, Ely!

  “Oliver is my friend. I haven’t had sex with him and he sure as hell hasn’t paid me for any services.” I regret my choice of words as soon as they are uttered. Alex’s past isn’t something I should throw in his face and I normally don’t fight dirty, but in my defense he’s not fighting fair either.

  “I see, so your friends get to kiss you?” Alex pushes away from the wall and saunters towards me. “Or did it slip your mind that I was there when you got back from your date?” The look he’s giving me could melt the panties off of a nun and I’m not anywhere near sainthood these days. So you can imagine the stream of thoughts running through my head. His muscles contract and my eyes travel from the curves of his biceps to the ripples of his obliques.

  Uh oh, this isn’t good.

  Within seconds Alex stands in front of me and I can feel a wetness developing between my thighs. His index finger travels along the curvature of my jaw and along my clavicle, the sensation causing my muscles to tighten. “So, since we aren’t together and we’re friends, does that mean I get to kiss you, too?” His eyes fixate on my lips. I fight the urge to wet them with the anticipation he might kiss me.

  “Alex, please…” I close my eyes and breathe in his scent, basking in his touch. Pushing against me, I’m forced to lie on top of his bed while he straddles my waist.

  “I love it when you beg,” he groans. “What do you want, Elyssa? Do you want me to show you how good of a friend I can be?” His fingers travel down my chest, towards my cleavage, trailing along the neckline of my shirt. A shiver ripples through my body and a hiss escapes my lips as I close my eyes. My nipples harden as his fingers graze over my breasts. I hate that my body responds to him so willingly.

  “You know we can’t be friends.” I breathe as he inches down my body. His tongue licks over the lobe of my ear. His hot breath is even as he runs his tongue down the length of my neck.

  A chuckle escapes his lips as I squirm underneath him. He knows I’m ticklish. “You keep squirming like that against me and this is going to get interesting real quick.” I feel his smile against my shoulder while he works his way down my body.

  “Alex, come on now…” I push against his shoulders, but he reaches up, pinning my arms above my head.

  He lifts his head looking up at me through his long lashes. “I can feel your heart racing. Why can’t you see that you’re wasting our time with all of this time bullshit?” Lowering himself to my right breast, he teases my hardened bud through my blouse, nipping it through the soft cotton material. I whimper in response, but fight every instinct that wants to rub my body against him.

  “It doesn’t matter if it’s Oliver, or any other asshole, no one knows your body like I do.” Alex sits up, one hand resting underneath me on my lower back as he runs the palm of his hand down the length of my body, starting at my shoulder and ending at my navel.

  There’s hunger in his eyes as he wets his lips before taking his lower one between his teeth. Kneeling, Alex pushes up the hem of my skirt, revealing my cream colored panties. My body is humming with anticipation and my breathing is erratic. His fingers strum along my mound, playing my sex like his guitar. If I could, I’d put this song on replay for the rest of my life.

  “You’re so fucking wet. I want to bury myself in you and get lost forever.” Alex leans down nuzzling against my thigh. “I miss this…you…everything.”

  I reach down running my fingers through his hair. I bask in the euphoria of the sensation before grasping his silky strands and tugging his head up. I try to find every ounce of resolve I have left and force myself to push him away. “Please don’t do this, Alex…we’ll end up hating each other.”

  Climbing the length of my body, Alex pushes his hips into me, grinding against my sweet spot, showing me how I affect him. “I don’t think its hate you feel.” His lips brush against my cheek as he leans in and whispers, “I’m about three seconds away from kissing you and fucking you senseless.”

  He tilts his head towards me, his lips inching closer and closer. My breath is ragged and I force myself not to close the gap. An image of where Alex’s lips may have recently been is like a bucket of ice cold water being poured on the passion that was just burning inside me. I hate that I can picture him nuzzled up against Mrs. Legs for Days just hours before I arrived, possibly muttering the same words of appreciation. Still, it’s what I see. And because I know it’s a possibility, I won’t let him do this.

  Alex runs his palms down my breasts and rests them on my thigh. I take his chin in my hand, stopping him from touching his lips to mine. I gather up all my resolve, not that I have much to collect, and say the words I never thought I’d voice. “I can’t. I don’t know where your mouth has be
en, Calvin.”

  I push against him, leaving him to groan in frustration. Alex rolls onto his back, giving me the opportunity to stand and back away from him. His chest is rapidly rising and falling as he covers his eyes with his fists. I say nothing more. I adjust my skirt and leave Alex, once again, in bed with no more answers to my questions than when I arrived.

  CHAPTER 10

  Friday, November 30, 2012

  The fogged bathroom mirror blurs my reddened face as I towel dry my hair. After applying the rest of my lotion, I tighten the belt on my fluffy pink robe and am startled when I hear rapping against my front door. The girls agreed that I would pick them up around eight thirty in order to get the club by nine. It’s only seven and I’m not expecting company.

  Why am I not surprised? Opening the door, after glancing through the peephole, reveals a casually dressed Oliver in a button down green and black flannel shirt and jeans. I sigh and give him a knowing look. He, of course, studiously ignores me as he saunters by and continues to smile with his boyish grin.

  “What are you doing? You know we’re having a girl’s night out, right?” I huff before closing the door. I turn placing my hands on my hips waiting for an explanation. This must be payback for my intrusion on Alex.

  “Listen, quit giving me the stink eye. We haven’t had any time together and I just miss you.” Normally, these words would break down a girl’s defenses, but I’ve been ruined for all other men.

  I roll my eyes, “Seriously Oliver, we had lunch…TODAY! How haven’t we spent time together?”

  “I mean time with just the two of us. Time where Janice isn’t tagging along giving me dirty looks the entire time. She’s been in full man hater mode, how am I supposed to be charming around that?” Oliver wanders around my living room, looking at the pictures of my parents, Rachel, and Bryan.

  “She doesn’t always give you dirty looks.” I know better than that, but I don’t want Oliver talking bad about Janice, she’s going through a rough time as it is. “So you came over to what? Help me get ready to go out with the girls?”