by Kip Nelson
This seemed to amuse Hank and he chuckled. He had a warm laugh, and it instantly set Grace at ease. “I think we've just had good marketing in that area,” he said, his eyes twinkling.
He had the air of a grandfather. Grace could imagine him surrounded by a big family, reading a story and having their complete attention. She wondered if he was, but now didn’t seem like the right time to ask.
His tone turned serious, “We all have been faced with things over the past few weeks that we never thought we would experience, and the very nature of who we are has been put to the test. It's good that you're turning to other avenues to try answering your questions.”
“I guess I just don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I mean, with Mr. Smith, we told you a lot, but we left out one thing. I had a chance to kill him, but Saul stopped me, and I don't know if I'm supposed to feel guilty about not killing him, or guilty because I was willing to do it. And then Billy in the institute...it was my fault that he went back in there, and I'm responsible for his death. I know killing is supposed to be wrong, but sometimes it seems like it's the only thing that makes sense, and I never thought I would think that. Back in the old life I never would have condoned killing, but now...and it just makes me wonder whether I've been a fraud all this time. I can't be sure of anything anymore,” she said, and the more she spoke the more the emotion welled up inside her and she found herself trembling with anxious energy.
“In life, we can be faced with these decisions, ones that seem to come at us like a whirlwind and leave everything in disarray. I can assure you that you are not the only one who has been through this. I'm not sure I can tell you exactly what's right and what's wrong. Perhaps in this world that is something each of us has to come to terms with on our own, but I can tell you I have had to evaluate my position over the course of the last few weeks.” Grace widened her eyes in shock, for Hank was similar to Mack in that he seemed in control at all times.
“Oh yes,” Hank said, noting her expression of disbelief. “I looked around and saw the world ending. Civilized people were losing their sanity and turning on each other, and even though we formed a group there were still tensions between some people. I wasn't sure if there was a place for myself or God in this world, and I was told more than once that God had abandoned us all. But seeing the suffering only made me realize that I'm needed now more than ever. I am a servant of God, and it's still my responsibility to carry his word forward. To me, that means I must treat others with respect and kindness, I must try helping them where I can and, if possible, share my supplies with them, and if they wish it, offer my counsel, my thoughts, and my prayers.”
Grace mused over his words. “But what about killing? Have you been put into a position where you had to kill?”
“Not yet, and I'm grateful for that. Honestly? I don't know what I'd do,” he said, and this answer surprised her.
“I would like to think that I would be able to refrain from killing, but I know that if my friends’ lives were in danger, or if I could protect someone innocent, I would be tempted. Is it a sin to take a life to prevent someone else from being killed? I tend to take a liberal view of the Bible, which did annoy some of my colleagues. Ultimately, I think it is left to us to define the limits of the law. While I can't say what I would do in that situation, I do have faith that the Lord will give me the strength and courage to make the right decision.”
“I wish I had faith,” Grace said. The words left her mouth before she was conscious of them, and she appeared a little embarrassed after she spoke.
“Why is that?” Hank said, and waited patiently for an answer. Grace picked idly at the bark with her thumb and rolled her toes into the ground.
“I guess I always hoped that there would be something more to life, and there never seemed to be. Sometimes, and I haven't told this to anyone,” she said, shooting Hank a look that made it clear he was not to share this under threat of her wrath, “I would get really lonely and I'd go and sit in a church, at the back, out of the way. Nobody saw me but I got to see them. I heard their prayers, heard them singing, and when I looked at them I was really envious of what they had. I mean, they had this look in their eyes like they were fulfilled and so, so happy, and I'm just not sure that I've ever felt that way, or if I ever will. But I know I can't just have faith.”
“No, unfortunately, it doesn't work like that, but sometimes it comes when we least expect it, and I know you think nobody saw you in that church, but there is one person who did.” Grace crinkled her brow, and then furrowed it further as Hank pointed his finger into the sky.
“I'm not sure about that,” she said, “and if he has been watching me my whole life then he's probably enjoying the joke.”
“You know, sometimes God is trying to get in, but people don't let him. I'm not going to tell you to convert, and sometimes having faith isn't as easy as it seems, or always as happy as those people were in celebration, but it is rewarding. To me it's like having a support structure, something to lean on when I need it most. It’s something that strengthens me and fills me up. It makes me question the world and my place in it, but it also reassures me that I do fit in, and that if I am struggling then I just need to be patient and let God guide my soul.”
“Do you think God has a plan for us all?”
“I do, although I think a lot of people use that as an excuse to blame God for their own shortcomings. He does help those who help themselves, after all,” he said with a knowing smile. Grace smiled, too.
“The first family we came across had an interesting theory. They said that this was all God's doing, that it was akin to The Great Flood and he soon would make his final judgment about us.”
“I'm not sure I agree with them. I think us humans are capable enough of making trouble for ourselves without God's help,” he said, and the two of them laughed.
When the laughter fell silent, Hank looked at Grace earnestly. “I'm always here if you have more questions, but I'd suggest that you meditate on it and look inside yourself. You never know what you may find.” With that he rose.
Grace thanked him for all his help. He asked her if she wanted to go back to the camp, but she declined his offer, deciding to stay out by herself for a while longer. After Hank left, Grace looked up to the sky and wondered if God was there, looking down at her. She wished she could feel the rapture seizing her heart just as it had with those she had witnessed in church, but she only found herself asking the unanswerable questions, and finding only silence when she wished for a response.
Back in the camp, things had settled down. Mack still was resting and Maggie was stoking the fire, leaning on her haunches. Luis had decided to steer clear of talking to her as she seemed shut off from everyone else. Hank and Freddie were a different matter, though, and he happily would chat with them, although he found himself alone. Grace and Hank had gone off, and Luis wondered if there was some conspiracy to leave him by himself. He'd decided he had spent too much time by himself. After he initially had set out on his travels he soon had grown tired of his own company and he was glad to have the constant companionship of the others.
He did not know what he would do on his own. He was glad to let the others think he stuck with them due to loyalty, but the real reason he had not stayed behind when he had the chance was because he didn't know what he would do without them, and was happy to let Mack take the lead. If he stayed with Margaret he would have had to become a leader, and he wasn't sure he was up to the task.
Indeed, even at that moment he was searching for a knife. He was sure he had seen Saul with it last. Mack pointed him in the direction that Saul and Freddie had gone, so Luis made his way there. He thought it strange that Saul would have gone off with Freddie as Saul never seemed to want to spend time with anyone. Luis figured Saul had to have had a friend at some point in his life and stranger things had been known to happen.
Luis heard the faint sound of voices, so followed them until he saw Saul and Freddie sitting together, deep in conve
rsation. He was about to announce his presence when he overheard what was being talked about.
“You see, I've been having these feelings inside of me and I don't feel comfortable talking about them with the others. I know they have a certain idea of who and what I am, but the truth is I'm not that. I struggled a lot and I thought I could be different in this new world, make a new man of myself, but I'm not sure I can. It's been hard, and there are some times when I've butted heads with Mack especially. I know he's just trying to do what's right, and I hate myself for being such trouble, but I've done it before. I can’t help it, and then it starts the spiral again. I don't know, sometimes I just wish they hadn't found me in that river. I should have died that day, and I hate putting this all on your plate. I know this is probably the last thing you want. Bet you thought you'd finally escaped all this? It's not like you're a counselor anymore,” Saul said.
“Actually, it's nice to be able to use my skills. I'm not exactly handy at the whole survival thing. Aside from my rudimentary knowledge of medicine, I'm hardly useful. But we're here to talk about you--” he said, and it was at this point that Luis wondered if he should announce himself before it was too late.
However, he was aware Saul was a private person, and Luis did not think he would take kindly to this private interlude being eavesdropped upon. So, to avoid any awkwardness, Luis made a tactical withdrawal. When Luis returned to camp Mack asked him if he had found what he was looking for, but Luis said there was no sign of them.
Eventually everyone returned to camp and Mack noticed that they all, with the notable exception of Maggie, seemed in better spirits.
CHAPTER SIX
AFTER WALKING for another couple of days, always keeping an eye out for bears and other animals, they finally emerged on the other side of the forest, and were glad to see the road stretch out before them.
Their walk through the remaining forest had been uneventful, and they were glad to have avoided contact with anyone, but while they had found a few streams and fruits to eat, their supplies were running low. The road that was open before them was littered with abandoned cars and there wasn't any sign of anyone. The sunlight caught the cars’ dirty metal and shone back in their faces. They made a point of checking the cars to see if there was anything useful in them, but most were empty. Occasionally, they found an energy bar or a packet of crackers, but most of the things in the cars they had no use for, such as maps of the area. It was strange to see these expensive vehicles abandoned. Now that they had no use, they had no value, and merely took up space. And although they offered rudimentary shelter, they were not comfortable to sleep in.
“It looks like the freeway when we left it,” Freddie remarked.
“Except there are fewer people shouting,” Hank said wryly.
“I wonder how long they all stayed around there until they realized their cars weren't going to work anymore?”
“Probably too long.”
They turned and trudged along the road to the city. Although the road was harder on their feet than the natural ground of the forest, it was easier to walk through as they didn't have to continually push away branches or walk around thickets and thorny bushes. It had the added advantage of providing a clear view ahead. So, in theory, nothing would be able to sneak up on them.
“I'm surprised we didn't see more people in the forest, given how many cars are out here,” Saul said.
Luis looked at him, not giving any indication that he had overheard Saul's conversation with Freddie, but he also was unable to forget it. It made him look at Saul in a different way, and yet he did not want to treat Saul any differently. It was clear Saul wanted to keep that part of himself private.
“I imagine most people were trying to make their way to the city,” Mack said. "If people had the choice between the forest and the city, I think we know which way most of them would choose. We'll come across them eventually,” he said with conviction.
They walked along, making idle conversation and, soon enough, they grew bored of searching the cars as none of them seemed to contain anything different from the rest and it only took up their time. Now that they were on the road to the city they were filled with a new vigor to get there as quickly as possible, and had no time for distractions. The road was straight, but it was so long that even though they had been walking for hours it didn't seem as though they had made any progress. To their left was the forest, and on their right, were empty fields. Scattered around them were cars and, occasionally, they had to walk around them because they were obstructing the road, but everything was quiet and there were no signs of any other people.
There was also no source of water, and although the group only took reserved sips from their bottles, they were all too aware that their water likely would run out before they reached the city. It would have been tragically poetic for them to fail before reaching their goal. As they staggered forward in the claustrophobic summer heat their shoulders slumped forward and the conversation dried up, as did their throats. The air shimmered and blurred before their eyes. Mack and Maggie noticed this and tried straightening their backs and increasing their pace, driving the others toward their goal. They, too, were feeling the strain of fatigue and thirst.
In time, the city came into view. Over the horizon tall skyscrapers emerged, rising up into the heavens. From this distance the buildings still were faded shadows, almost ghosts of hopes that seemed like mirages, but upon seeing them the group whooped and clapped and slapped each other on the back in triumph. Though they still had a long way to go, just seeing the city felt like a victory in and of itself. Mack almost was surprised the skyscrapers still were standing and were not just smoldering ruins. However, it gave him hope that his faith in humanity was founded on something other than idealism, and that there were people who had come together and tried building a new life, a new society. He didn't yet know how he was going to use the city to get to Anna, but just being among that many people again surely would offer some opportunity. Seeing the city provided the group with some more impetus, and they walked with a little more speed in their steps, and a little more resistance to the thirst and hunger that was gnawing at them.
However, after they had spent a while walking the city didn't seem to be getting any closer and they began getting disheartened again. They knew they would not make it to the city without loading up on supplies. So, they began raiding the cars again, although there were only slim pickings to be had. And yet, a little way up the road they spotted a small, squat building. It was unassuming, and its sandy walls almost went unnoticed until the group got closer and it became impossible to miss.
As they realized what they had found, smiles spread across their faces, for they were standing in front of a gas station. The forecourt was a slightly different shade of gray than the road and, like the road, a few cars were scattered about. Four pumps were in the middle, with the nozzles languishing against the ground. Gas was yet another thing that had little use in this world, at least out here. There were skid marks on the forecourt and no shelter, so the sun beat down and made the tarmac sweat. Thin grass spread out around the building, in sharp contrast to the lush forest that lay on the other side of the road. There were two small windows in the building. Maggie ran up and peered through one, but it was too dark to see anything inside. She turned to the others and shrugged.
“I can't see if there's anything worth taking,” she said.
“May as well have a look,” Saul drawled. Mack gestured for Luis and Freddie to circle around the building while the rest of them headed inside, drawing their weapons.
The narrow door was unlocked and opened outward. Mack placed his hand on the handle and slowly pulled it down, wincing at the creaking noise as he was afraid of alerting anyone inside who may have been unfriendly. After cracking open the door they moved in, one by one, their eyes adjusting to the light as the sun spilled into the store. They kicked up dust that twirled about in the light, then settled inside. There was a musty smell, as though t
he door hadn't been opened for a while, and as they moved farther inside the room they could see layers of dust coating empty shelves. The room was long and wide, with shelves running to each wall. A small counter stood to the right, again with empty shelves behind it. The entire place looked neglected.
“I guess once people took what they wanted there wasn't any need to come here,” Maggie said in a low voice.
“Still, it would make for a good shelter,” Mack said.
They split off and investigated separate aisles, keeping an eye out for anyone who could have been lurking inside, but all they found were empty shelves. It seemed as though whatever supplies had been in this store long ago had been taken, which wasn't really surprising considering how many cars were outside. Presumably, many people had left their cars and ransacked this place before they went back to the city, or made their way in another direction. Still, it was disappointing as they had been hoping to find some respite, and the protection from the sun wasn't an adequate reward for finding the building.
“Aha!” Saul said. Mack walked up to him and saw him straining to reach the back of a shelf. When he reached Saul, he had pulled out a can of peaches and wore a triumphant grin on his face.
“In this world, even the small victories have to be celebrated,” he said, beaming as he put the can in his sack.
This led the others to try the same tactic. While they did not gather an overwhelming amount of goods, they clapped each other on the back and shared smiles as their venture into this place had not been for naught. As Saul said, every victory had to be cherished. Both groups had seen enough misery that they were happy to take the win. It was only cans on food, however, there was no water to be seen. Freddie and Luis returned after circling the building and they had nothing to report. It seemed that there was no signs of life.
“If I had a place like this I wouldn't leave it,” Hank said.