The complete scars series: Books one-four

by Tonks, Rachael

  “Fuck,” he snarls, standing from his resting position against the bike and starting to pace in front of me. With his hand, he pushes back the fallen strands from his face, muttering words I can’t quite hear.

  “Please,” I whimper. “Please tell me what’s going on here, Nate.” My voice is strained and I’m barely biting back the tears. “What do you mean this is where it ends? Are you going to hurt me?” I blurt out, suddenly realizing what I’m actually asking him. Glancing over my shoulder, my heart pounds furiously as the panic sets in. I have to get away. What if he intends to do something bad? I’ve never seen him like this before.

  “No, Tara!” he yells and his voice reverberates through the open space. “I would never hurt you, you should know that.”

  My chest heaves as I try to control my breathing. “Then what is it?”

  Standing facing his bike with his back to me he mutters the words I never dreamed he would say. “It’s over between us, Tara.”

  “What?” I challenge, narrowing my eyes on him. “Why would you say that?” I scoff, almost unable to process what he’s actually saying.

  “I ain’t fucking around here, Tara, It’s over. Just the way it’s gotta be. You have to stay away from me. I’m no good for you.”

  “No.” I shake my head and silent tears stream down my face. “I love you. You said you loved me too. So, what? It was all a lie, huh?”

  “I never lied to you,” he says, letting out a huge, pent-up breath. “I brought you here because this was where it all happened for me.”

  He nods over to the house that belonged to my cousin, Carter.

  “When you were shot. When that motherfucker took you down. Well, in that moment I realized how much you meant to me.”

  “And what? Now I mean nothing?”

  “It’s complicated,” he snaps.

  “So explain it to me, Nate. Please explain what the fuck is happening right now, because all I know is that I can’t live without you in my life. You saying you don’t want to be with me is like ripping out my damn heart.” I pat the palm of my hand against my chest, anger raging inside my body. Anger and hurt.

  “Please…”

  “Please what?” I retort. “I’m telling you how I feel. I need you to be straight with me too. Don’t you think I at least deserve that?”

  Stepping forward, he rests his hands on my upper arms, but I keep my focus on the ground. I can’t bear to look at him. To look at what I’m losing.

  “I’m so fucking sorry.” He breathes out, pulling me closer to him. “I don’t want to lose you,” I hear him mutter, and instantly I pull back as the rage inside becomes uncontrollable.

  “You don’t want to lose me?” I repeat, my tone sarcastic and his face blanches. “So we just ride back to my apartment and be friends—”

  “Of course we can be friends,” he cuts me off.

  I raise a brow, scoffing loudly.

  “If you think I can be friends with someone I’m in love with, then you’re seriously deluded.” No longer able to take this bullshit, I storm past his bike and start walking down the country road.

  “Tara, wait up. Where the fuck are you going?”

  “I’m going home. Where the hell do you think I’m going?”

  “Shit,” he growls, grabbing my hand and pulling me to a complete stop.

  “Get your hands off me.” I scowl, pulling my hand from his grasp.

  “Don’t be like that. Get on the bike, let me take you home.”

  “Just exactly what was your plan? Bring me here, tell me you no longer want me, then expect me to jump on your bike and let you bring me home like best friends, like… like nothing’s wrong! Really, Nate?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t fucking know,” he says, dropping his head.

  “See… you can’t give me any straight answers,” I shout back, shoving him with force. He stumbles back, lifting his head a little and looking at me with hollow eyes. Something in the way that he’s acting, that look in his eyes, tells me this isn’t what he wants.

  “Whatever is going on, doesn’t have to be this way. You and I, well, we’re meant to be together. You know it, I know it, and anyone that knows how much love there is between us knows it. Talk to me, Nate. We can work this out together.”

  Moving his head back and forth, he turns and slowly walks back to his bike. His shoulders are slumped and his head hangs low. “You coming, or not?” he shouts over his shoulder.

  “Not,” I yell, running away from him, hoping that this is all a bad dream. I run and run, my feet pounding against the ground, my heart beating out of my chest. I turn off the beaten path, my legs continuing their escape. Raising my head, I look at the huge tree in front of me. Slowing my pace, I press my hand against the trunk, coming to a complete stop. Arching my shoulders, sobs wrack through me as I try to catch my breath. Crashing to the ground, I place my hands over my face and allow all the hurt and emotion to pour out. The damp earth beneath my ass soaks my jeans, but I don’t care. I sit there, in silence for what feels like hours. Just me, the dark, and my broken heart.

  Suddenly, the sound of my cell phone draws me from the darkness. Digging into my purse, I grab my cell, noticing Isabelle’s name on the screen.

  “Where are you, babe?” she asks without even giving me a chance to say anything. But I can’t reply. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. “Tara, speak to me, honey. I’m here for you. Just tell me where you are and I’m coming to get you.”

  “How… how… do you know?” I struggle to breathe through my hysteria.

  “Nate called Brax.”

  “So you know?” I stutter out.

  “I’m so sorry,” she whispers.

  “I’m on the path just beside Carter’s old house.”

  “Meet me on the main road. I’ll be five minutes.”

  I don’t respond. The lump in my throat won’t allow me to.

  “Tara,” she says in a raised voice.

  “Yes,” I choke out, swiping my free hand across my face, clearing the tears that roll so freely down my cheeks. I end the call, pushing it back in my purse and somehow try to find the strength to stand. As I bear weight on my feet, my legs wobble. I feel so weak. So damn weak. Stumbling through the overgrown grass, I make my way back to the main road. I walk at a slow pace, constantly checking for Izzy’s car.

  Within minutes, I see her approaching. Her car slows as she gets closer, stopping just beside me. I dip my head, looking at her through the window. Shooting me a sad smile, she steps from the driver’s side, racing around to take me in her arms. Holding me close against her, I have nothing to give back. I feel so cold inside, so lost and confused.

  “Shit, Tara. I was so worried about you. You should have called.” Pulling back, she studies my face, before caressing her finger under my eyes, clearing the fallen tear.

  “Falling apart in front of my closest friend was something I never wanted to do.”

  “Oh, honey,” she coos, pulling me back into another embrace. “I have no idea what is happening with you two, but I’m sure whatever it is, the two of you can figure it out.”

  “I have no idea either, Izzy. It came out of the blue. So unexpectedly, with no real explanation.”

  “What? Really?” she asks, her face contorted and full of confusion.

  “Please, can you take me home?” My head pounds as I try to wrap my brain around what the hell is happening, let alone have to explain it to someone else.

  “Of course,” she replies with a quick smile. Running around, she jumps back into the driver’s seat and I drop in beside her. “This isn’t exactly my favorite place,” she chuckles nervously as she looks behind her to Carter's house in the distance. “Why did he bring you here?”

  “He said he had to end it where it all started. Where he realized how much I meant to him.”

  “Let’s get out of here,” she says with a nod.

  I let my head fall against the window, my heart barely beating as I feel completely
and utterly lost. My heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces. Something I’m not sure will ever repair.

  Tara

  Can you ever put a time on how long it takes to heal a broken heart? One day, one month, one year, or possibly one whole lifetime?

  Is it possible—when the one reason your heart beats faster is no longer a part of you—that your heart can remain broken, never to be fixed or beat the same way again?

  Nate told me I had to stay away. And in that moment it was like time stood still. My world froze, along with my heart. It came so out of the blue, so unexpected. He said it would never work between us, but he ain’t fooling me. We have been inseparable for months, hell, since that day I first saw him at the MC. For nearly a year now, we have been sneaking around, unable to keep our hands off each other. One look into his bright blue eyes told me everything I’ll ever need to know about Nate.

  He’s my soulmate.

  And accepting that he will no longer be in my life is something I’m struggling to get to grips with.

  I need to get out of this damn apartment. Being here alone is driving me crazy. I throw back the bedsheets, the ones that smell just like Nate. That woody cologne he wears has seeped into every fiber in my apartment and hanging on to it feels like the only thing I have left of him.

  The sound of my cell phone ringing snaps me from my daydream. I fall back against the bed before rolling on my side and grabbing the phone from my nightstand. I can’t help the smile that creeps across my face when I see her name.

  “Izzy,” I say in an upbeat tone. The last thing I want is anyone feeling sorry for me, or to give the impression that I’m not okay. Of course I’m okay. I think.

  “Hey, whatcha doing?” she all but sings down the phone.

  “Right now, nothing. I was just about to get my lazy ass in the shower before heading to work.”

  “You’re going into work?”

  “Err, yes… why wouldn’t I?”

  Izzy sighs loudly down the phone. “Babe, you don’t have to pretend that everything is okay, like life goes on. I know you’re hurting and I also know how much he meant to you.”

  Taking in a deep breath, I adjust my posture, a lame attempt at controlling the emotions I feel buzzing through my body. “I’m over it,” I say with finality. “It just wasn’t meant to be.”

  “You don’t really believe that. You two have been seeing each other for months. You’re perfect for each other,” she all but gasps.

  “I was stupid to believe it would work. That we would actually be together, Izzy. I feel like such a fool.” I slump forward, grabbing a handful of the bedsheet and pressing it against my cheek. The smell of Nate hits my senses and I can’t fight back the tears that now fall from my eyes. My heart has been crushed, only I’m not the kind of girl that shows when she’s hurting. I learned I have to be strong. Living in a family so involved in crime trains you to be street smart and tough. Only this kind of pain is one I’ve never experienced before.

  “You’re not a fool. You fell in love with the wrong guy.”

  “I should have listened to Brax,” I croak.

  “You followed your heart, and that takes strength. I still think things will work out between you two. Give it time.”

  “But he blanks me, Iz. Acts like I don’t exist.”

  “Maybe that’s his way of dealing with it? You know this is not what he wants, right? Jeffries found out and called an end to it.”

  “That’s no excuse, Izzy. If he really wants to be with me, he should be fighting for me. Why isn’t he fighting for me, huh?”

  “I wish I had an answer for you,” she sighs down the phone.

  “Did Brax say anything?” I blurt out. “Has Nate said anything about me to him?”

  “You know how close those two have become. I’m sure they talk about shit, but he hasn’t said anything to me, honey. I’m sorry.”

  “What a jerk,” I groan down the phone. “I really thought we had something special. We both went into it with our eyes wide open. We knew what was between us would be frowned upon. That my family would forbid it. But you know, as soon as Carter was out of the picture, I thought it would be easier. I thought we’d go public and everyone would be cool with us. But he still wanted it to be a secret.”

  “He knew his father would disapprove?” she asks.

  “Yeah, that asshole disapproves, but so what? He’s a grown man…”

  “Who lives an MC lifestyle. One where women aren’t respected. They take what they want when they want.”

  “But, he’s not like them. He’s different.”

  “I agree,” she replies in an upbeat tone. “He isn’t like the rest of them, but how do you expect him to break free? If he walks away, his father will hunt him down and kill him. Why do you think he hasn’t done it already?”

  “You’re right,” I sigh loudly, falling back on the bed with a thud. “I’m just not sure I can live without him.”

  “There will be others. You’ll find someone else.”

  “What if I don’t want anyone else?” My words are barely audible as they come out as a whisper. “I gotta go,” I say, suddenly jumping up and giving myself a mental slap across the face. “I got to get to work. Don’t want the boss on my case.”

  “I am the boss,” she chuckles.

  “See you later.” I stifle a laugh and shake my head as I end the call.

  Nate

  Standing back, arms crossed over my chest, I check out my handiwork. I nod, feeling a sense of satisfaction as I look at my new tattoo studio. The old garage was full of junk, and I'd managed to convert it into a sanitary, state-of-the-art studio. There was no way I could work from my friend’s studio forever. But mostly, I needed to keep myself busy. Focus my mind on something other than Tara.

  “Hey,” the voice bellows causing me to spin on the spot. Smiling, I offer the asshole my hand. “Brax,” I say, shaking vehemently despite his attempt to squeeze the fuck out of my hand. My smile fades to a grimace and I try to pull my hand away. “This is my tattooing hand, jerkoff!”

  A deep, throaty laugh escapes him. “Oh, sorry, man,” he replies, loosening his grip and retracting his hand. His eyebrows lift as his eyes widen. He scans the room, his lips pulled into a small line. “This looks fucking awesome, man.”

  I nod in agreement. “Yeah, it turned out good.”

  “Shame about the rest of the place.” He nods his head toward the main house. To say it was dated and needed work would be an understatement. But it’s always been the same. Lazily shrugging my shoulders, I drop down into the chair in front of my desk, letting out a huge sigh.

  “You okay there, man?”

  “Sure,” I reply. Only my response is a lie. A complete fucking fabrication of the truth. I'm lost and fucked up since I had to end things with Tara. Emotion toys with my mind and I feel like I’m being pulled in a thousand different directions. There’s no doubt what I feel for her and I know not seeing her, having to stay away from her, is going to kill me.

  “You don’t look so good. What’s going on with you?” He steps closer, resting his hand on my shoulder and squeezing it a little. Lifting my head, I tilt it a little, looking up at Brax.

  “I don’t want to fucking talk about it,” I snap.

  “Okay, okay,” he says, letting go of my shoulder and taking a small step backward. He holds up his hand in a mock surrender. “But should you need…”

  “No,” I yell, cutting him off. “I said I didn’t want to talk about it.”

  “You’ve become a real miserable asshole since you called it off with Tara. I ain’t stupid, man. I know that’s what this is all about.”

  Don’t freak out, I tell myself repeatedly. My body shakes as the anger rattles through me. Tapping my leg, I try everything to not jump out of the seat and race toward him.

  “You should leave,” I grit out.

  “Answer me,” he says with a heavy sigh.

  “Why?” I roar, no longer able to keep myself seat
ed. I barrel toward him, pushing my hand against his chest. “I said I don’t want to fucking talk about it.” My teeth are clenched together so tightly my jaw is aching.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” His deep bellowing voice reverberates around the garage space now known as my tattoo studio. “I care about Tara, but we’re friends. I’m asking because I’m concerned. Seems to me you’re both fucked without each other… so why? Why end it with her?”

  “I had no choice.”

  “What? Because that asshole Jeffries says you can’t see her anymore? I took you for more of a man than that.” I look at him, eyebrow cocked and a smirk drawn on his face. He’s taunting me. He wants a reaction.

  “I’m not biting, Brax.” My voice is low and I drop back onto the couch behind me. Inhaling deeply, I place my hand at the back of my neck and try to loosen some of the damn tension. Being tied to this MC isn’t a choice and being related to that motherfucker means I have to follow his rules.

  “Stand up to him. There’s no real reason why he should forbid you from seeing Tara. You’re a Savage. You take what you want, remember?” Slowly, he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. Offering the packet to me, I nod and take one, desperate for the hit of nicotine to calm my nerves. My hand shakes as I hold it between my teeth. Taking my own flick lighter from my jeans pocket, I work my thumb over the wheel, placing the flame at the tip of my cigarette. Taking the lighter away, I give it a strong, brief draw, the warm feeling is like having my lungs wrapped in a warm blanket. I take a few, long drags of the cigarette, slowly blowing the smoke out of my mouth. The nicotine rush is a small high, a lightheaded, pleasant, hazy feeling that seems to calm the tremble in my hand.

  “Standing up to him would mean the whole of the Savages turning on me. They are loyal to my father. Just have to follow the fucking rules.”

  “Fuck, man. I have no idea how all this MC bullshit works, and honestly, I don’t fucking understand it. I just don’t get why you can’t fuck who you want?”