Takes You

by Nicola C. Priest

  The doctor is back after a few moments and she talks me through what she’s going to do. I nod and lie back on the bed as she gently eases my knees apart. I feel some pressure as she inserts the speculum, and I fight my body’s reaction to push out the foreign object.

  “It’s okay, Crissie, just relax for me. This will be over soon.”

  I take several deep breaths as I hear the doctor continue speaking to try and distract me from what she’s doing. I feel a weird sensation inside me before she pulls out the speculum and closes my legs.

  “That’s it, all done. You can get dressed now.” The doctor vanishes behind the curtain and I swing my legs round and slide off the bed. I pull my knickers up my legs, suddenly feeling the need to pee. Well, that wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Sure, it was a bit uncomfortable and a lot embarrassing, but if it helps find out what’s going on with my body, I’m glad I did it. After adjusting my skirt, I pull back the curtain and retake my seat by the doctor.

  “We should have the results within two weeks. We’ll be in touch when they come through. In the meantime, take paracetamol for the stomach pains, and I recommend you go easy on the intercourse until we know what’s causing the bleeding. It’s probably something and nothing, so please don’t worry. I know that’s easier said that done, but I always tell my patients not to worry until we know exactly what’s going on. Are there any questions you’d like to ask me?”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  “Well, if you think of anything, please give me a call.” She smiles at me again as I pick up my bag from the floor and stand. I’m back in my car less than five minutes later and on my way to work. So I have two weeks to wait until I get the results from the smear test. Two weeks of wondering and theorising what’s causing the pains in my stomach and the abnormal bleeding.

  It’s going to be two weeks of hell.

  Chapter 36

  Crissie

  It’s been less than a week since I went to the doctors, and here I am, back here in the waiting room. I got the call last night to say the results were in and could I come in and see the doctor again.

  I don’t know whether to be scared that the results came in so soon or happy that I don’t have another week of wondering what’s wrong. I still haven’t told Cal I’ve been here. I figure there’s no point worrying him until there is something to worry about.

  If all goes well, I’ll never have to tell him, and the doctor will prescribe something to sort things out. Everything will be back to normal and we can just get on with living our life and looking forward to our wedding day in just under four months time.

  “Crissie Walker, please go to room four.”

  I stand and head in the same direction as I did last time I was here, clutching my bag to my side. When I reach the door, I take a breath and knock, hearing the same voice as before call to me to come in. I open the door and walk in, giving the doctor a nervous smile as I sit down.

  She’s wearing grey trousers and a white blouse today, but still looks every bit the professional she is. Why I’m examining her dress sense I’ve no idea. Oh yeah, that’s right, I’m nervous as hell at what she’s going to tell me.

  “Thank you for coming in, Crissie. As you know, I’ve received the results from the smear test I did five days ago, and the test detected some abnormalities. Now, there’s nothing to worry about at this stage—abnormal cells are quite common—but because of the other symptoms you’ve had, I’d like to refer you to have a procedure we call a colposcopy.” The doctor pauses, letting me absorb the information she’s just given me. There’s no way I can get away with not telling Cal now. This sounds like something he needs to know.

  “The procedure is very similar to a smear test, but this time, I’m going to ask that they perform a biopsy also, which means they will take a small tissue sample from your cervix for further examination. Now, have you told your partner about what’s going on?” I shake my head before she continues, “Well, I recommend you tell him, as once this procedure is complete, you’ll have to forgo intercourse for at least four to six weeks while you heal.”

  All I can do is nod as I try and understand what she’s telling me. Since I came here five days ago, I’ve used all the excuses I can think of to not have sex with Cal, which has been no easy feat as I want him all the time. If I’ve got to avoid sex with him for longer, the doctor is right. I need to tell him the real reason why.

  “You should have an appointment come through the post sometime this week. They usually get you in quite quickly, and I’ve mentioned I want you to get it done within the next couple of weeks.”

  As if she can sense my nerves, she reaches out and pats my hand. “Crissie, really, this is more common than you think. I’m referring you purely as a precaution to rule out anything more sinister. Please, don’t let your imagination run away with you. I’ve seen it happen before to other women and it can end up causing more harm than good. Just wait for the appointment, have the procedure, and we’ll take it from there. Okay?”

  “Okay. Thank you, doctor.” I stand and leave her office. I’m on autopilot as I walk back to my car, my imagination doing exactly what she’d advised me not to do. She said I have to have a biopsy. That’s what they do when they’re testing for cancer. She said abnormal cervical cells are quite common. Well, not for me it isn’t.

  What if I have cancer?

  I’m back home within ten minutes, and I see Cal’s car parked in his allocated spot. Pulling my car into a visitors spot next to his, I switch off the engine and just sit there. I know I need to tell Cal. I know he will want to be at the hospital with me when I have the procedure. He’ll support me one hundred percent. I know he will.

  It’s just, with everything that’s happened since we’ve been together, we’re finally in a good place. Our jobs are both going well and we’re less than four months away from getting married. Why does this have to happen now?

  Grabbing my bag off the passenger seat, I get out and lock the car before heading up to the flat. When I open the door, I see Cal sat on the sofa, his phone in his hand. He looks up and smiles when I walk in, before standing and walking over.

  “Hey, baby, you’re later than usual. It’s not very often I’m back before you.”

  I give him a weak smile as I drop my bag by the door and hang up my coat, something he picks up on immediately.

  “What’s up, Cris? You look pale. Are you feeling okay?”

  I turn to face him, take his hand, and walk over to the sofa. When we are seated, I just look at him. How am I meant to tell him this?

  “I need to tell you something, Cal. Last week, I went to the doctors as I’d been having pains in my stomach, and there was some bleeding after we had sex, more than once. I didn’t think it was anything too serious, which is why I didn’t tell you about it. The doctor did a test, and I had to wait for the results. That’s why I’m back later than usual tonight.”

  “Okay. I can’t say I’m not a little pissed you didn’t tell me you were in pain. What did the results say?”

  I take another breath before I continue. I can’t say I’m surprised by his reaction. If the tables were turned and he had hidden this from me, I’d feel the exact same way. “The doctor said the test showed some abnormal cells in my cervix, so I need to go and have a procedure, so they can check them further and so a tissue sample can be taken for further analysis.”

  “A tissue sample? You mean a biopsy?”

  I nod, seeing his expression change as the colour drains from his face before he breathes deeply and squeezes my hand. “Well, you’ll have the procedure and we’ll wait for the results to come through. No point worrying until we have something to worry about. Right?”

  God, I wish I could be as optimistic as he is right now. The fact is, I’m scared to death. Just the word ‘biopsy’ is enough to put the fear of God into me. It’s true what they say, it’s the not knowing that’s the worst part. “Okay. I’m just going to go and have a shower.”
>
  “Do you want me to do anything to eat?”

  “No, thanks. I’m not hungry.”

  Cal releases my hand and leans in to kiss me, and for the first time since I met him, I turn my head away, stand, and walk off. I can’t look at him as I leave the room, feeling horrible for doing that to him. I know it’s not his fault this is happening to me—it’s no one’s fault—but I can’t be close to him right now. If I let him kiss me, I’ll want more, and that’s not something I can handle right now.

  I might have told him about the stomach pains and the bleeding, but I’ve not said anything about the pain and discomfort I feel when we have sex. I had planned on telling him, but when I saw his face when he found out about the stomach pains, I knew that him knowing about the other stuff would only hurt him.

  Knowing my body was causing me pain was one thing, but knowing I was in pain when we were together was another. I don’t want him thinking he is in any way responsible for the discomfort, and I know Cal. I know he’ll find a way to blame himself, which couldn’t be farthest from the truth.

  I’m in the shower a few minutes later, and I just brace my hands on the tiled wall, letting the water sluice down over my head. Why can’t things just be easy for us? There’s always something going wrong. If I were a religious person, I’d be thinking we were being punished for something.

  We’ve done nothing to deserve everything that’s happened to us over the last few years. Guess it’s just a hell of a lot of bad luck that’s been thrown our way.

  I’m not sure how long I stay in the shower, but the water is running cold by the time I come out. Drying off, I towel dry my hair and pull a comb through it before slipping on my bathrobe and walking through to the bedroom. I stop in the doorway when I see Cal sitting on the bed.

  He stands when he sees me and walks over, taking my hands and leading me over to the bed. When he sits me down, he reaches for a cup of tea he’s placed on the bedside cabinet.

  “Tea? I never drink tea.”

  “Yeah, I know. I just thought it seemed like a ‘tea’ occasion.”

  “Me possibly having cancer seems like a ‘tea occasion’ to you?” The words come out harsher than I intended, and Cal puts the tea down and just looks at me, the expression on his face one that I can only describe as shock.

  “That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

  “Do I?” All I can do is look at him. My breathing has sped up, and I can feel my pulse racing. I don’t open my mouth, knowing that if I speak, we’re going to argue, and I don’t want that. I hate arguing with Cal, and right now, I’m just too tired. Truth be told, all I want to do it curl up into a ball under the duvet, close my eyes, and forget everything the doctor just told me.

  Willing my breathing to slow, I turn away from Cal and stand. After pulling the duvet back, I climb in, bathrobe and all, and pull the covers up to my chin. “I just want to sleep.”

  I close my eyes and sigh deeply. I can feel Cal is still sat there, probably looking at me, wondering what the hell is going on. I tell him I’ve got to have a procedure to determine if I have cancer. I then walk out on him to take a shower, and, when he comes in with a cup of tea to try and talk, I bite his head off then climb into bed, effectively shutting him out.

  I know Cal didn’t mean anything by what he said. It was just a poor choice of words. For some reason, we British have a reputation for thinking tea solves all problems. Had some bad news? Have a cup of tea. Bad day at work? A cup of tea will make it all better. Why we do it, I’ve no idea, but I think we’ve all been guilty of it at some point.

  I remain still as I lie there, and I feel it when Cal rests his hand on my hip through the covers. I expect him to say something, but instead he just sighs and walks over to the window, closing the curtains before leaving the room and closing the door as quietly as he can.

  When I’m sure I’m alone, I stretch out my legs and roll onto my back. What am I doing? I’m pushing away the one person who has proven numerous times that he loves me and will support me no matter what. Even after I treated him like crap after we lost Aria, he was there for me, never leaving my side. I was a real bitch to him, but he didn’t budge.

  How many times can I treat him like crap before he realises I’m not worth it and walks away. It’s not what I want, of course it’s not, but part of me can’t help but think he would be better off without me.

  Turning back to my side, I lift my head and thump the pillow a few times. I drop my head with a sigh and close my eyes again. I know that when I wake, my problems will still be there, but at least in sleep, I can forget.

  Caleb

  I close the bedroom door carefully, resisting the urge to slam it in my frustration. How the hell can she think that of me? We’ve been together for eight years. Doesn’t she know me at all? Haven’t I proved I’ll always be there for her, for us?

  God, I love her with everything I am. I’d never dream of abandoning her when she needs me, especially now. Why the hell didn’t she tell me what was happening. I’m her partner, her fiancée, and the man she agreed to spend the rest of her life with. Why would she keep this from me?

  To me, it looks like she only told me because she had no choice. I can’t help but wonder if she didn’t have to have this procedure, she would never have told me. I guess it explains why we haven’t had sex for the last few days. Usually, I only need to look at her and she’s on me, but since last week, she’s used every excuse under the sun not to come near me.

  I guess that should have been my first clue that something was wrong, but I just didn’t put it together. Now, she’s lying in our bed, and all I want to do is go in there and tell her she’s wrong and that I’m there for her, but I have a feeling she won’t believe me right now.

  Falling down onto the sofa, I snatch up my phone and bring up the search engine. If I’m going to help her through this, and if worst comes to the worst, I want to be prepared. I’m not going to let her push me away like she tried to do when we lost Aria. I proved to her then that I’m in this for the long haul, and I’ll do the same thing now.

  We might not have said the vows yet, but I will always be there for her, in sickness and in health. Now all I need to do is convince Crissie.

  Chapter 37

  Crissie

  Present Day

  It was four weeks of hell waiting for the results of the procedure to come through. Cal tried, but no matter what he did or said, I found some way to bite his head off. In the end, he stopped trying to help or talk to me and just got on with things.

  We barely touched when we were in bed, and the sex between us stopped completely. I mean, I knew we couldn’t be together after the procedure, as I needed time to heal, but beforehand, there was no reason we couldn’t be intimate. I just didn’t want to.

  The pain I was in after the procedure was persistent and uncomfortable, and there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t experience it. As the doctor had warned, there was intermittent bleeding too, which meant I had to wear protection all the damn time as I didn’t know when it would happen.

  Cal and I were just going through the motions. Getting up, going to work, coming home, eating, then going to bed. It had almost become a routine. We didn’t go out, at least not together, and we’d even stopped talking about the wedding, something we usually did all the time. Truth was, we didn’t discuss it because neither of us knew what would happen if the results came back and they weren’t in my favour.

  “Crissie, are you ready, honey?”

  “Almost ready, Dad.”

  I look at the reflection of the door in the mirror, knowing I need to go out there soon. Everyone will be waiting for me to make my grand entrance and the short journey down the aisle. I flick my eyes away from the door, back to my reflection.

  It’s taken us twelve years to get here, to this place with all our friends and family here to celebrate with us. It hasn’t been easy, as you all know. We thought we’d had everything thrown at us, but on the day I got
the results, we were shown how wrong we were.

  Chapter 38

  Crissie

  March 2014

  God, I hate this waiting room. I’ve seen far too much of it over the last couple of months. I’ve read and reread the same posters warning people how to recognise the signs of various conditions. I can tell you all the initial symptoms of someone who may have Chronic Obstruction Pulmonary Disease, more commonly known as COPD, and which spots are Chicken Pox, and which could be Meningitis.

  Hell, I’ve spent so much time here I could probably diagnose most of the other patients’ conditions. Well, maybe not, but that’s how it feels. The only thing different about this visit is that Cal is with me. He’s sat by my side, my hand firmly ensconced within his.

  I have to admit, having him here is strangely comforting. I hadn’t wanted him to come with me, and I told him as much last night. He’d basically turned around and told me that I could be as bitchy and nasty to him as I wanted to, but he wasn’t going anywhere. He was going to be here with me today, even if he had to super glue our hands together.

  The look on his face had told me he was deadly serious, so I’d not argued any further. Trying to sneak out of the house this morning had failed also. I still didn’t know why I was trying to do this without him. He’d done nothing to make me believe he’d be anything other than supportive, yet I was doing everything I could think of to try and do this on my own.