I snorted. “It took a lot of desperation and I’m still not really sure how I feel about it.”
“That’s understandable. I know you have Caius and a lot of friends, but if you ever need another ear, I’m here for you.” Elijah smiled slightly and walked away.
With slow steps, I trudged over to the bench and flopped down on the cushion next to James and Bethany. Aaron joined us as we settled back. It was comfortable there with them, but the horror of what I’d seen and done in the canyon wouldn’t let me go. I finally asked, “Does what happened in the canyon bother you?”
Bethany nodded. “I’m trying not to think too much about it. I’m not sure I was made right to take lives. The way the demonborn and the angels killed with such ease, with such single-mindedness, it makes my skin crawl to remember it. I tried too hard to defend myself, to knock people down without killing them. That’s how I ended up run through with a staff.”
“I don’t know how I feel about it,” Aaron said, a sad look on his face. “I mean, I always knew I would be a reaper, would be one to lead souls to the river. I never dreamed I would one day be responsible for causing death. But,” he paused and looked at James, “They were trying to kill me. More importantly, they were trying to kill James. It was us or them and it’s not like they gave us a choice.”
James wrapped his arm around Aaron and pulled him close. “All they cared about was getting to you and killing anyone who stood in their way. I couldn’t stand by and let them take you, cut down my friends—which weirdly enough includes demonborn now—or harm Aaron. It hurts that we had to take lives, and I will admit to it making me wake up in a cold sweat the last few nights, but what else could we do?”
“I wish I could defend myself and others, taking lives if need be, without feeling so much guilt afterward.” I lay back on the wide bench and stared at the bottom of the ramp where it curved high above me. “When it was happening, all I saw were points of light. I didn’t see them as people, just light that needed to be extinguished. I knew the lights were more than just that, but in the middle of it, I couldn’t figure out what they were.”
James laid back as well, tucking me next to him with my head in the crook of his shoulder while Aaron mirrored my position on his other side and Bethany cuddled close to me, her head on James’s outstretched arm. After a long moment, James said, “Maybe that’s a blessing in a way. You seeing nothing but points of light during that. I mean, if you had seen them as people, you might not have been able to do it.”
Aaron reached across James and linked his fingers with mine, resting our joined hands on James’s stomach. “You may have taken lives, but you saved so many. Focus on the saving. There is nothing pleasant or glorious about battle, but sometimes they must be fought because others can’t be stopped any other way. Those angels and demonborn had no intention of listening, of accepting anything less than your death. There was no negotiating with them.”
“Yeah.” I sighed, unsure of what else there was to say. All I could do was try to take Aaron’s advice. Focus on the good, the lives saved and try not to think too much about the points of light, each one representing a life that I had ruthlessly snuffed out.
***
“Caution clung to her and I couldn’t help feeling that whatever it was she left with her friends to talk about was something she was purposely trying to keep from me.” ~Caius
Chapter 33
Almost a week later, we finally left the central home of the fairies. We traveled through the upper branches and crossed rope bridges as several of the fairy folk led us away from their home and closer to the portal. Though we could have easily trekked across the forest floor, the fairies insisted it was safer this way. Remembering Dell’s words about the large cats, I was relieved every time Amisi made an appearance in the branches above us.
We’d been traveling since early morning and though it was only afternoon, I was ready for a nap. Obviously, I couldn’t halt the entire group to take one, not to mention I imagined sleeping on one of the bridges or platforms would be near impossible. Add to that, Caius would want to know why I was so tired. I couldn’t exactly tell him that the baby growing inside me was likely the reason I’d been more tired than usual even before the canyon. Nope. Definitely better to push through it and keep going.
The next several bridges carried us down through the canopy. Our guides paused at the next tree where the bridge stopped at a larger platform circling the tree than any we had passed since we started out. Caius and Malik opened the packs given by Nyx and passed around the little squares of food.
I leaned against Caius’s arm after he sat down next to me, my eyes on the view of the small clearing in the forest floor a good seventy feet or so below. It didn’t take long to finish my portion. After washing it down with some water, I snuggled against Caius, taking in as many of these moments as I could in case it all came to a crashing end.
At some point, I must have dozed off because I woke to the sound of my friends gasping. My eyes flashed open, searching for the source of danger. Only Caius’s relaxed demeanor kept me from scrambling to my feet as I searched for what had my friends on alert. And then I saw them.
A herd of massive deer walked into the clearing. Maybe deer wasn’t the right word. They resembled elk, but were bigger than moose, maybe half again as much. Their antlers rose in a magnificence that would have made any trophy hunter in the mortal world wet himself.
I stared in awe at the majestic creatures. One of them jerked its head up, nostrils flared. The rest of the herd mimicked it. With a stomp and loud snort, the first one bolted as a tawny shape burst among them. Larger in the front than the back and with eye teeth that extended down at least a foot from the mouth, the massive cat took down one of the smaller deer with a swift efficiency that took my breath away.
“What is that?” Chelsea whispered as if afraid it would hear and decide to hunt reaper.
“A smilodon,” one of our guides answered. “They are why we live so high up in the trees and a reminder that we should get moving. The adolescents often hunt at this height.”
I was quick to get to my feet, ready to move. Being eaten by what the mortals most certainly called a saber-tooth cat was another thing that definitely wasn’t on my bucket list.
As we got under way again, Caius glanced at me. “Are you sure you’re well?”
“Yeah, why?” I kept my face neutral.
“It’s not like you to fall asleep like that.” His golden gaze held mine and I desperately wanted to tell him. However, even if he was thrilled with the news, the fewer people who knew, the better. For as long as we could hide it anyway.
So I swallowed the words that tried to come and forced a smile. “I think whatever it was I did in the canyon just took a lot out of me.”
“Then rest as much as you need.”
Something in his expression told me he didn’t believe a word I’d just said. He didn’t press further though and for that I was thankful. Bethany, who walked less than a pace away, shot me a disapproving look. I raised my eyebrows and made a discreet motion that indicated all of the people around us in a “what am I supposed to do” kind of way.
She just shook her head. I glanced at Caius, hoping he missed our little silent exchange and knowing he hadn’t. He was too aware of his surroundings to miss anything. I was going to have to find a way to tell him soon. When we stopped for the night in yet another tree, I stood for a long time outside on the platform, leaning on the railing with Amisi sprawled on a branch ten feet above as I watched the light fade from the forest.
Bethany stood with me and I got the feeling she was avoiding Malik. It was ridiculous, they both obviously liked the other, but my friend was far too caught up in her upbringing. There wasn’t much I could do to help her other than be supportive and offer my opinion if she requested it. For the most part, it was something she needed to work out for herself.
After a long stretch of silence, as dusk was settling into full night, Bethany said, �
��When are you going to tell him about the baby?”
“I don’t know yet.” I stared into the darkness as I wrestled with the question. “I would like to be out of the trees, when we don’t have a bunch of fairy folk around, where we can spread out more and maybe I can get a little privacy. I don’t exactly want to tell everyone. It’s safer if we can keep it under wraps for as long as possible.”
“That makes sense, I guess.” She sighed. “It’s hard for me to know while he doesn’t.”
I snorted. “I think you have some kind of fairytale idea of how this is going to go.”
“And I think your idea is too negative.”
“Why wouldn’t it be? My father ditched out when my mom was pregnant with me. When Victoria was a baby. Okay, so it wasn’t exactly intentional, but we still didn’t have him around. Growing up in the mortal world, I saw plenty of schoolmates get pregnant and watched as their guys ditched them.” I shrugged. “Sorry if I seem jaded, but I haven’t ever seen anything that would lead me to expect something better. Caius says he loves me now, but will he once he knows I’m pregnant? He had no attachments except for his siblings before I came along and turned everything into a mess.”
Bethany studied me for a moment. “All men aren’t bad or deadbeats you know. What happened to you, and what happens in the mortal world, is almost unheard of here.”
“I wonder why that is.” I couldn’t help wishing some of what kept people together on this side would bleed into the mortal world. It desperately needed it.
“I think it’s our natures,” Bethany said. “We are different in a lot of ways from mortals. Once we form attachments, they tend to grow stronger over time rather than weaker. That’s why it’s important to be careful who you fall in love with over here. Once it cements itself, it can be hard to walk away from. It’s usually a non-issue, we form attachments with the kind of people we are supposed to due to the nature of our separation from those who we aren’t supposed to be with.” She sighed and turned her eyes back to the night. “Except for when there is no separation and the attachment forms when it shouldn’t.”
“Still struggling with the idea of Malik?” I asked it casually, not wanting to pry or make her feel like she had to answer if she didn’t want to. At least now I knew why she was being so careful. It was the same reason Rowen had tried to stop anything from happening between Caius and me.
“I shouldn’t have let myself even think in that direction, but my heart had other ideas.” She gave a long sigh. “The attachment is already formed. We haven’t ever been intimate, so I could break it if I wanted to. And I’ve kind of tried. I hoped if I avoided him, it would go away. But it just makes me miserable instead.”
“Then don’t be miserable.”
“You don’t understand. How are we supposed to be a couple when we can’t even live on the same side of the river together?”
I shrugged. “Well, if the prophecy is true and it really applies to me, I’m going to turn everything on its head and screw it all up anyway. You might as well take love and enjoyment where it can be found. Who knows how different things will be once the dust settles.”
“And if the prophecy isn’t true, or doesn’t apply to you and nothing changes? Then what?” She turned sad eyes on me.
“Then you jump off that bridge when you come to it.” I smiled. “Or you do what I did and douse the bridge in gasoline and set it on fire.” I thought of my mother and all the years she must have spent alone in all of her considerable years in the mortal world. “All I know is life can be short. People die all the time, even those like us. Love should be accepted and rejoiced in wherever it’s found.”
Bethany didn’t reply and we stood there for a while longer in silence, each of us weighed down by our own thoughts. It wasn’t until Ryan and Chelsea came looking for us that we finally joined everyone else inside. The guides said we would be to the edge of the forest by the middle of the next day. No matter what, I would tell Caius the next evening and deal with whatever happened then.
After we went in, I spent as much time as I could with Caius, clinging to each moment with him. In case it all went down wrong, I wanted to be able to hold these last hours with him close in my memories, to carry with me when life got lonely.
Surprisingly, Bethany sought out Malik and sat with him for a long time. Maybe what I said helped. Or maybe she just decided to quit fighting it. Either way, they both looked happier than I had seen them in a long time.
Sleep didn’t come easy when I curled up next to the warmth of Caius, and when it finally did find me, it was filled with nightmares of enemies I couldn’t defeat while trying to protect the life inside me. I woke just before dawn feeling less rested than I had when I laid down. Stepping behind a privacy screen, I made fresh clothes and pulled them on. I frowned and tugged on the jeans. Although I’d made them the same way I always did, they fit tighter. My belly was revealing the first hints of thickening. Where I still didn’t look pregnant, I could feel the slightest difference in my body. I carefully constructed new jeans that were a bit looser in the waist and changed into them.
With a yawn, I made my way to the window where I stood and watched the forest lighten. As neat as it was among the trees, I rather missed seeing the sun rise and set. I missed the warmth of standing in its light. Taking a deep breath of the fresh morning air, I turned away from the window, torn between looking forward to being in the open again and dreading it. By the day’s end, Caius would know. I had to tell him now, there was no choice. If I was noticing changes in my body, no matter how insignificant, it wouldn’t be long before he noticed too.
A mixture of despair, nervousness, and silly hope had me so twisted up my stomach roiled. When we all gathered on the platform, my stomach still hadn’t settled. I took my little square of food and I tried to nibble at it. All that accomplished was making me gag a little. Amisi had already eaten hers so I hid it in my hand and when no one was looking, tossed it over the rail. Maybe one of those giant cats would enjoy it.
James and Bethany eyed me with concern, but I couldn’t reassure them. I couldn’t summon words to express the turmoil inside. The day seemed to drag on as we crossed bridge after bridge between trees. Little by little, the trunks began to thin out and bright beams of sunlight I couldn’t appreciate made golden spears through the foliage.
And then we reached the edge. The last platform. My body almost felt numb as I climbed down the ladder. I had myself so emotionally worked up I had to swallow several times to keep from vomiting. Part of it was the pregnancy that had my hormones and emotions off balance, and part of it was the fear of losing what I had with Caius.
“How are you feeling?” Caius asked as we left our fairy guides behind and struck out across open ground.
I gave him what I hoped looked like a normal smile. “Fine.”
He raised an eyebrow. “That word usually means the opposite with you.”
Unable to pretend I was completely okay, I only nodded.
“What is it?” He frowned.
“Can we talk about it later?” I shot a look back at the large group of reapers, demonborn, and Fallen that followed us. “When there aren’t so many so close.”
Caius regarded me for a long moment. “If you wish.”
I nodded again, unable to make any more words come. My throat felt dry as sawdust, though I wasn’t thirsty. Really, I was being completely stupid. Would it hurt if he rejected the baby? Hells yes, it would. Would I survive? Absolutely. I was being a total coward about this. I could only blame the hormones for making me stupid.
Swallowing hard, I pushed my fears to the back and reached for the fortitude that had held me up through everything. Lifting my chin a little, I strode forward. Whatever happened, I would face it with the same determination I did everything else. It’s not like I was walking to my death. And hell, even if I was—which I wasn’t—I wouldn’t do it like a blubbering fool.
I had faced rejection before. Never anything as bad as this, but I cou
ld do it. I had to. I was going to be a mom; I couldn’t afford to be a coward. My own mother had gone bravely to her death to protect me. I would do no less for my own child. A mom. Wow, that was weird to think of. In a few months, I would have a person I would be completely responsible for. A person who would one day call me Mom and look to me for answers. It was a daunting thought and I wished desperately for my own mother to lean on.
A shadow glided over the ground as a lone raven coasted over us for a short time before veering off in another direction. It made me feel closer to my mom somehow. Ravens were the messengers of Morrigan, the only thing other than house cats that could cross any veil at any time without a portal. Maybe it would carry a message of me to my mother’s soul. The thought comforted me as the hours slid by.
When we finally stopped late that evening, Caius informed the group that we were close to the portal and would cross through it in the morning. It seemed we were almost on top of it, but it was better to cross through when everyone was well rested.
This was it. I had to let Caius know.
When I turned to ask him to talk, he was busy handing out the rations while several demonborn set fires in the falling dusk. Amisi prowled close to Caius, occasionally growling and hissing until he finally tossed several squares at her. Why she thought we needed to feed her was beyond me. She was already a capable hunter.
Elijah appeared beside me. “Can we talk?”
“Sure.” I barely glanced at him so focused on waiting for Caius so I could tell him.
“Walk with me,” Elijah said and tugged gently at my hand.
I blinked at him, confused. “What?”
He held a couple of leather canteens aloft. “Everyone is going to be busy for a bit, why don’t we go sit and have a drink and relax for a bit.”
Betrayed (Raven Daughter Book 2) Page 24