Living To Love You (Santos Family Series Book 4)

by KD Bryan

  Arriving back at his office, Rob dropped his briefcase onto the corner of his desk and rounded it taking a seat in his chair. Thankfully the surface looked fairly clear at the moment other than a few asset and liability statements which needed his review later. The meeting this morning had also generated some work for his client’s portfolio, but it was nothing that couldn’t wait. Still preoccupied with thoughts of Jillian, Rob swiveled his chair around to take in the view of the city outside his office window. His subsequent phone call to Carli kept replaying in his head as he waited for her return call, and Rob was reaching the end of his patience when his phone chimed with an incoming call. Grabbing it, Rob looked down and sighed in relief when he saw Carli’s name flash at the top of the screen.

  Without even a hello, he asked, “Did you reach her? What’s going on, Carli?”

  Carli wasn’t really surprised when her brother answered her call with questions rather than a greeting. She’d picked up on his concern when they’d spoken earlier, but unfortunately she still had no news that would help reassure him.

  “Rob, her phone is repeatedly going to voicemail. I’m sorry, honey, but she’s just not answering. I’ve left two messages telling her to call me ASAP. I know she will, but in the meantime I just don’t have an answer for you. I’m sorry…I wish that I did,” offered Carli.

  Rob blew out a frustrated breath while running a hand back through his hair. He was seriously considering getting back into his car and driving to the hospital again, but realistically he knew Jillian was probably gone by this time.

  “Okay, Carli. Thanks for calling me back anyway. I guess we have no choice but to wait Jillian out until she gets around to returning your calls. Whenever that will be,” added Rob on a sour note. Jillian Nicole Barnes usually marched to her own tune, and everyone else either fell into step with her or got out of the way.

  Carli could hear the disappointment in her brother’s tone, and as always her heart went out to him when it concerned Jillian. The two women had practically been inseparable since second grade, but Carli wasn’t immune or blind to the ways of her best friend.

  A moment later Carli glanced over to check on her twin daughters and an idea hit her. Walking toward the girls, she said into the phone, “Rob, hold on a minute.”

  Carli crouched on the floor beside the two and got Pilar’s and Malaya’s attention. “Girls, say hi to Tio Rob. Come on, we’ve been practicing. Momma knows you can do it,” she coaxed.

  Rob found himself smiling for the first time in hours as he listened to his sister coaching his twin nieces. Finally he heard a sweet little voice say, “Hi.”

  Carli laughed and informed him, “That was Pilar of course. Malaya is frowning and reaching for the phone wanting to chew on it.”

  Rob chuckled and added, “Yeah, she really is her Tia Isa made over, isn’t she?”

  “Oh, you have no idea! Reid cringes every time I bring it up,” laughed Carli. On a more serious note she added, “I thought maybe a hello from your nieces might cheer you up. Rob, let’s not jump to conclusions and worry until we know more, okay?”

  “I know you’re right, Sis. It just makes me crazy, though, after seeing her at the hospital of all places, and then finding out she hasn’t even called you,” complained Rob.

  “I understand, Rob. I really do…you know that,” said Carli. If anyone understood, it was definitely the one who’d had a front row seat all these years to the saga that was Rob and Jillian.

  After hanging up with Carli, Rob sat back in his chair and stared out again at the city skyline. Despite his best efforts to redirect his thoughts they immediately returned to Jillian. They’d been seeing one another sporadically for quite some time again, and Rob knew they needed to make some decisions. Definitive decisions…something that would actually be a first for the two of them.

  Rob’s thoughts suddenly shifted back to the period of time leading up to their two year hiatus from one another. They’d been together for several months after reconnecting back in St. Louis, and things had seemingly been going great. Eventually, though, Rob had started picking up on the fact that Jillian was ready to move their relationship forward to the next level. Rob hadn’t been so much.

  Rob recalled the pain and confusion of knowing he was hurting the person he cared most about, but being honest enough to admit he simply wasn’t ready for the same level of commitment as Jillian. He’d started working on his Master’s Degree by then, and was once again involved in school as well as work. The two of them were having fun simply being young and together, as well as enjoying their respective careers. At least that’s how Rob had viewed their situation, but Jillian’s thoughts had been running more toward the future…the immediate future.

  Even though they’d each had their own apartment, they’d basically spent most nights together at each other’s places. The first hint that things were changing came one night when Jillian casually mentioned how silly it seemed to be paying rent for two places. Rob could remember the unease that had skirted down his spine at her comment. He hadn’t been ready to tackle that subject at the time, so he’d basically ignored it and changed the subject.

  A few weeks later Jillian had become upset one night when after being out with his friends, Rob had sent her a text saying he was staying at his apartment that night. Truthfully, he’d had too much to drink and his place was closer which required less effort to get there from where he was. Jillian hadn’t taken it that way at all, and basically accused him of not wanting to be with her. From that night on, their relationship had taken a turn…and not a positive one. They’d begun to argue over stupid, unimportant things that had never been a problem before. Rob had started spending more nights at his own place simply because he was tired of feeling like nothing he did was right anymore.

  Things had finally come to a head while attending the wedding of some friends a short time later. Jillian had served as a bridesmaid, while Rob had just hung out with other friends who were there as well. The bride had thrown her bouquet as customary, and Jillian had been the one to catch it. Of course Rob had received the expected ribbing from his friends about being next, but he’d good-naturedly ignored it. After one too many beers, though, Rob hadn’t responded well to a comment along those same lines made by the groom later in the evening. The groom had said that his new bride had caught the bouquet at a friend’s wedding they’d attended, and the next thing he’d known he was buying an engagement ring.

  Rob had merely shrugged off the comment with a wave of his beer bottle saying, “Well, that won’t be me, sucker! I can guarantee you that shit won’t be happening for a long while yet.”

  It was too late for Rob to retract his callus comment before realizing Jillian had heard what he’d said. He’d been standing with his back to the doorway and hadn’t realized she’d entered the room when the sounds of laughter around him had abruptly stopped. Glancing over his shoulder, Rob saw Jillian standing there wearing a devastated expression. At that moment Rob had realized that yes, this was where Jillian saw them heading in the near future. Marriage, a house, and eventually a family. He finally understood why things had changed recently, and it was suddenly crystal clear. Jillian was slowly coming to terms with the fact that Rob wasn’t in the same place that she was, and most likely wasn’t going to be for some time to come.

  Jillian had taken a cab back to her own place that night while Rob had done the same. They hadn’t spoken for two days following the incident at the reception, and Rob had no idea what to say to her anyway. They were basically at a stalemate, and they both knew it. The two of them wanted different things, and neither was willing or able to change how they felt. Jillian was ready to start moving toward a life that included the things Rob wasn’t ready to commit to. It wasn’t that Rob wanted anyone else…not at all. That hadn’t been the situation, which was the one thing Rob had known for certain. He’d known even then that Jillian was under his skin like no one else ever had been, or probably ever would be.

  Ro
b swiveled his chair back around and rested both arms on the surface of his desk. Seeing Jillian today had obviously triggered something making him dig up painful memories that he’d kept buried. Maybe it was just the unknown of what she was doing back in St. Louis, and at the hospital. Rob grimaced as he acknowledged the fact that not knowing what Jillian was doing wasn’t new to him. They’d been apart for two years after their last official break-up, and for the first time they’d actually cut all ties with one another.

  Leaning back again, Rob rested his head against the soft leather and absently played with a pen on his desk. The first few months following his and Jillian’s break-up had been some of the darkest of Rob’s life. He’d been consumed with guilt because he’d known that Jillian was hurting, and he was the reason why. For several weeks Carli had refused to discuss anything related to Jillian claiming she simply couldn’t put herself in the middle of their situation. Rob could still recall the day Carli had shown up at his apartment wanting to finally talk about Jillian, but only because she’d come to tell him that Jillian was leaving St. Louis. Evidently she’d gotten a job in Chicago and was returning there to live. In fact, Jillian had already left her current job and sublet her apartment. She was planning to stay with a friend in Chicago until she found a place to live.

  Rob had started drinking that evening after Carli dropped her bombshell, and he’d been drunk within a couple of hours. He’d then spent the rest of the night wondering where everything had gone wrong. That night had been the start of a pattern that had taken Rob weeks to finally break. He’d find himself at a club or bar drinking with friends, and then end up at Carli’s door to sleep it off on her couch. Rob had barely been able to tolerate being alone in his own apartment because everything was a constant reminder of Jillian and what they’d shared together. The worst part of course was knowing he had no one to blame but himself, because after all he was the one who wasn’t ready for a lifetime commitment yet to her or anyone else.

  Looking back, Rob realized what a terribly unfair position he’d put his older sister in at the time. Carli had walked a fine line for months trying to balance her support of her brother who was falling apart, and her best friend who was doing the same in Chicago. Carli had admitted later that on many occasions while he was sleeping off too much to drink on her couch, she’d been on the phone with Jillian talking her through yet another crying binge. It’d been emotionally draining for her, but Carli had somehow managed to equally support both of them.

  Eventually, time had healed some of Rob’s pain at losing the woman he cared for. Jillian had moved on, or at least he assumed she had. Carli never spoke of her around him, and Rob still carried too much guilt over his past behavior to put her on the spot by asking. Rico or Isa would inadvertently mention something about Jillian at times, but Rob never brought her up himself. Maybe it was a defense mechanism…trying to protect himself from the pain he’d caused.

  He’d eventually moved on with his life, and had even dated occasionally. Sometimes Rob wondered at times though how fair it was to even ask a woman out knowing he’d probably never be able to commit past a few casual dates. He’d even slept with a couple of women during that time, but only after a night of partying with friends. Unfortunately, it seemed like his sex life had also taken a backseat since parting with Jillian, and Rob knew deep down that he’d probably never find the same physical connection with anyone that he’d shared with Jillian.

  Rob threw the pen he’d been holding down onto his desk before shoving both hands through his hair. Glancing at his phone, he was surprised to see how late it had gotten and decided to call it a day. It was obvious he wasn’t going to accomplish any more today, and a stop at his gym sounded good at the moment. Maybe he could work off some of his frustration on the treadmill or weight machines. Rob grabbed his gym bag from a small coat closet and locked his office door behind him. Making his way to the elevator, he glanced at his still silent phone and wondered again when his sister was going to call.

  Rob was pulling into the parking lot of the gym when he heard his cell ringing on the seat beside him. He made a quick grab for it hoping to see Carli’s name flashing on the screen, but to his surprise it wasn’t Carli who was calling. No…it was Jillian. Rob blew out a breath before activating the call, and concentrated on keeping his voice as neutral as possible.

  Rob finally hit the answer icon on the screen saying casually, “Hey, stranger. What’s going on?”

  Jillian Barnes, the woman known for her “balls of steel” by her friends and co-workers choked back a sob before saying, “Roberto, I need you.” Crying harder now, she hiccoughed back another sob before repeating, “I need you Rob, please?”

  Those few words had Rob’s heart rate accelerating and his breath hitching in panic. Jillian never used the words need you… which meant something was terribly wrong.

  Strong women wear their pain like they

  do stilettos. No matter how much it hurts,

  all you see is the beauty of it.

  –Unknown

  Chapter Three

  The anguished sound of Jillian’s voice, as well as her tears, had Rob scrambling to try and figure out what was wrong. In all the years he’d known her, Rob had never heard Jillian sound the way she did right now.

  “Jilli? Baby, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me. Try to calm down so you can talk to me, okay?” instructed Rob, trying to reassure her so she’d talk.

  The only sound coming through the phone was Jillian’s harsh breathing, and Rob waited anxiously for her to calm down enough to speak.

  “Jilli, are you better? Baby, can you talk to me now?” asked Rob.

  Another shuddering breath out was followed by a very shaky, “Yes, I think so.”

  “Okay, now where are you? I’m coming to you, so just tell me where you are. Are you hurt?” asked Rob, trying to sound in control so he could get the information he needed.

  “No, I’m not hurt, Rob.” Jillian blew out another shuddering breath before adding, “I’m at my mom’s house.”

  “Is Monica there with you, Jilli? I’m driving now, and I should be there in about twenty minutes, okay?”

  “Okay. No, my mom isn’t here. I’m alone,” whispered Jillian brokenly.

  Hearing the raw emotion in her voice had Rob pushing down a little harder on the gas as he maneuvered through traffic. His gut was telling him to keep Jillian on the phone until he could reach her and figure out what was going on.

  “Can you tell me what’s going on, babe? Do you want to talk now, or wait until I get there?” Rob asked, although he knew Jillian usually preferred talking in person under normal circumstances. Rob had a sick feeling that whatever was wrong at the moment didn’t fall into the category of normal circumstances.

  “No, I can’t talk now, Rob. I need to wait until you’re here, okay?”

  Rob blew out a quiet breath and concentrated for a moment on getting his own heart rate under control. He’d never heard Jillian sound the way she did now, and frankly it was scaring the hell out of him.

  “We can do whatever you need, babe. Do you want me to call Carli to come over…?”

  Rob was cut off by the sound of Jillian crying, “No! Roberto, promise me you won’t call her. Promise me, or I’ll…I’ll hang up now and leave my mom’s…”

  It sounded like an idle threat, but Rob wasn’t taking any chances at this point. “No, don’t do that, Jilli. I won’t call her, I promise. Look, I’m about ten minutes out now. Talk to me, though. About anything… it doesn’t matter what. We’re not hanging up until I pull in the drive.”

  “Okay, I’d like that. I need to hear your voice,” she said quietly.

  Rob scrambled trying to come up with something to talk about that wouldn’t upset her again, but finding a neutral topic was difficult when you were going in blind. Rob ran through the day’s events in his head, but quickly realized he’d spent a good portion of his day worrying about her. Suddenly, something popped into his head and he went wi
th it.

  “Hey, evidently the twins are trying to talk now. You’ve probably heard them over the phone already, too. I was on the phone with Carli today and Pilar actually said hi to me. Carli said all Malaya wanted was to get her hands on the phone so she could chew on it,” said Rob with a forced chuckle.

  He didn’t feel much like laughing at the moment, but to his surprised relief he heard a small noise that might’ve passed for a chuckle from Jillian.

  “Yes, I’ve heard them over the phone, too. They’re growing up so fast it seems,” she replied absently.

  Rob could hear the distraction in her voice as he searched for something else to say.

  “Yeah, I told Carli that Malaya was definitely Isa’s niece. Her personality is a lot like Isa’s, and I think it makes poor Reid cringe just thinking about it,” said Rob.

  “I can imagine. They’re beautiful, just like I knew they’d be,” offered Jillian quietly.

  “Jilli, sweetheart, I’m pulling into the drive now. Meet me at the front door, okay?” instructed Rob.

  Jillian seemed so distracted at this point that Rob felt the need to clarify every detail with her. His heart pounding again, Rob stopped the car and quickly jumped out to round the hood. The front door opened just as Rob hit the short walkway that led to the porch, and when Rob reached the door he simply pushed it open wider and stepped inside. His gaze landed on Jillian and Rob felt his heart plummet to his stomach.

  Jillian simply stood there looking…he really had no words to describe it. Hopeless…lost…completely devoid of any expression, her eyes swollen and red from crying. Surely someone has died was his first thought.