by KD Bryan
Running a finger down her cheek, Rob smiled and nodded. “Me either. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you, or ask you to do anything you weren’t ready for, right?”
Cupping his cheek with her hand, Jillian looked into his eyes and realized just how anxious he was over this. “Rob, sweetheart, I know that. I know you’d never do anything that I wasn’t ready for. I wanted this…I needed this today. I needed to feel again…does that make sense?”
Closing his eyes briefly, Rob opened them again as he shifted his weight off Jillian’s body to lay beside her. He drew her tight against him, and then reached down to pull the cover up over them both so she didn’t get cold. Her comfort was always his priority these days, and Jillian smiled at his thoughtfulness.
Once they were settled under the light weight of the sheet and blanket, Rob’s fingers absently drew circles on her arm as they lay there quietly.
“I needed this, too, Jillian. I needed to feel that connection between us again…so I understand what you’re saying,” said Rob quietly.
He pressed a kiss to her head and murmured against her skin, “Now we both need a nap, so close your eyes and I’ll be here when you wake up, okay?”
Snuggling in close to his side, Jillian merely nodded as her eyelids became heavy and the beat of Rob’s heart beneath her cheek lulled her to sleep.
A strong man can handle a strong woman.
A weak man will say she has an attitude.
-Anonymous
Chapter Twenty-Nine
The next few weeks were spent with daily trips to the Oncology Radiology department for Jillian to receive her daily radiation treatment. Rob had accompanied her to the planning appointment, and the hour long visit had worn them out both mentally and emotionally. They’d met Jillian’s primary doctor for this phase of her treatment, and Dr. Sudan had proved to be very knowledgeable, as well as open and willing to discuss every aspect of her care.
Her treatment plan had sounded daunting at first when Dr. Sudan explained that she’d be receiving a total of twenty-five treatments. However, Jillian’s anxiety level dropped somewhat after he explained that although she’d be coming in daily, her actual treatments would be very brief. The most time consuming part would involve positioning her correctly on the table, but then it would be over within a matter of minutes.
Of course Dr. Sudan had explained all the possible side effects, and Jillian had shuddered as she listened closely to the list. Most worrisome was the potential for a drop in her white blood cells which increased her risk for infection. She’d need frequent labs to monitor her counts, but she still had her trusty port for that. Chronic fatigue was on the list as well, but Jillian shrugged that one aside. Feeling fatigued seemed like the norm now, and she actually smiled envisioning Rob going into “nap monitor” mode as she referred to it.
Several of the instructions on the list were things Jillian was already doing, and she made a note to order unscented deodorant and soap from the same product line which she’d received in Melanie’s gift bag weeks before. Loose fitting, natural fiber clothing was also recommended, as well as avoiding bra or shoulder straps because her skin would be sensitive and sore. Evidently sunlight was still her nemesis and high factor sunscreen, a hat, and long sleeves were required to spend any time outdoors.
The technological part of the first visit had involved several foreign terms which Jillian added to her mental list of things to research. The radiation she’d be receiving was called involved-field radiotherapy, or IFRT for short. She’d receive high energy electrons and protons which would destroy any remaining cancer cells, as well as shrink the size of any tumors left inside her body. The radiotherapy treatments would be delivered by external beam, and aimed only at the areas where the lymph nodes were originally enlarged.
Although her radiation therapy was designed to treat any remaining cancer in her system, Dr. Sudan had explained that one of the main objectives was to also prevent the recurrence of her cancer. The term ‘recurrence’ made Jillian flinch, but she pushed those thoughts aside and chose to focus on the prevention aspect of the doctor’s spiel.
It was now week three of her five week treatment regimen, and Jillian felt she was handling the whole thing fairly well. The worst part was the fatigue, but Rob was on top of it just like Jillian knew he’d be. Naps were a routine part of her day now, although at first she’d laughed at his incessant need to call to make sure she was resting. She’d finally told him that his calls were actually interrupting her ability to sleep, so he’d staring timing his calls for later to make sure she’d gotten some rest.
Her only protest had been one that he’d fought admirably, but Jillian had finally won in the end. Jillian didn’t see the need of having someone stay with her all the time since her chemotherapy treatments had ended, but Rob had thought differently. They’d finally compromised by agreeing that yes, she probably did need someone driving her to her appointments, however, she could then spend the rest of the day at home alone.
Rob had immediately pounced by getting on the phone to schedule her drivers for each day of the week. His abuela Rosita and Melanie were the only ones who were exempt, and their only saving grace was because Rosita no longer drove anywhere, and Melanie had an infant who was only a few weeks old to consider. Carli was considered an “alternate” since she had three little ones, and was still feeling the effects of her pregnancy.
Jillian had sat on the couch drinking a protein shake, and shaking her head, as she listened to Rob coordinate his family into becoming her personal chauffeurs. Luckily they’d been able to schedule her appointments at the same time each day, and Jillian had requested them early so everyone else’s day wouldn’t be totally interrupted when it was their turn. Even the brothers-in-laws had been roped into doing their part, and Jillian sighed thinking it was a good thing she was so close to the Santos family as a whole.
Today happened to be Rico’s turn to drive, and Jillian smiled as she slid into the car beside him. They chatted about Melanie and the kids of course, but then Jillian took the opportunity to broach another subject with Rob’s older brother. She knew how close they were, and frankly she wanted a man’s opinion on the painful topic she was about to bring up.
Dr. Sudan had also hit on the subject of fertility during Jillian’s first appointment, and she recalled sitting nervously beside Rob as the doctor talked. At one point Rob had reached for her hand and laced their fingers together, but it still hadn’t softened the blow any. Because her radiation therapy would be directed at her groin area there was an increased risk that her reproductive organs could be damaged. Dr. Sudan had carefully explained that although every precaution would be taken to protect against this, there was simply no guarantee that the treatments wouldn’t lead to infertility issues later down the road.
Although they still hadn’t discussed it together, the subject was weighing so heavily on Jillian that she felt she needed to talk to someone. Rico was probably one of the kindest, most understanding men that Jillian knew, and his opinion mattered to her. She needed to hear another male’s perspective before she broached the subject with Rob, and who better to get it from than someone she trusted completely.
Clearing her throat, Jillian’s gaze swept toward Rico as she asked, “Rico, could I discuss something with you…something that actually has me very troubled?”
On high alert at her words, Rico turned to look anxiously at Jillian. “Of course you can, but what’s wrong? Is it something to do with your health or the treatments?”
Shaking her head, Jillian said, “Yes, but not in a life-threatening way or anything. Rico, my cancer…all the treatment that I’m receiving…well, it’s very likely that I’ll never be able to become pregnant and have a baby. And even if I could, I’m just not sure about it anymore. How fair would it be to bring a child into our lives, whether by the conventional method or some other way, not knowing what my future holds? If I go into remission…” Jillian took a breath and looked down at her lap.
“If I go into remission there’s still no guarantee that my cancer won’t recur at some point in the future. That’s the reality I’ll have to live with from now on, Rico. And how fair is it to Rob to deny him the chance of being a father? He loves kids so much, and I know that’s something he’s always wanted,” said Jillian forlornly.
Until she’d finally voiced her fears out loud she hadn’t realized just how hopeless it really sounded. Could she selfishly deny Rob that right…deny him the chance to be a father because of the uncertainty of her own future? Tears welled up in her eyes, and Jillian blinked furiously against the sting.
Sensing how upset she was, Rico reached for Jillian’s hand and gave it a quick squeeze then released it. “Hey, the one thing I do know is that my brother loves you very much, Jillian. He always has… even while the two of you were fighting your relationship for years. It’s always been you, Jillian, and you’ve felt the same about him.”
Swiping at an errant tear that had escaped, Jillian could only nod in agreement. When she could finally speak, Jillian said, “I know what his response will be, Rico, when I eventually do try to discuss it with him. He’s going to tell me that it doesn’t matter, that he’ll be just as happy without a child in our lives. He’ll say all the right things for me…but how will I ever know for certain that it’s the right thing for him?”
Sighing quietly, Rico thought for a moment before answering. “Jillian, you may never know that for certain. The same way Melanie really wasn’t certain that I’d ever be able to move forward past Camila’s death, or the loss of our baby. And she did had reservations…big reservations. That’s the reason Melanie disappeared for a while when she discovered she was pregnant with Gabriela.”
“Jillian, I’m sure that Rob has pictured himself with children someday. Our entire family is just sort of wired that way. However, I don’t believe that under the circumstances it would ever be any kind of deal breaker for Rob. He wants you first and foremost…whatever that entails. Kids are…well, they’re just the amazing icing on the cake I guess. Your life together with the person you love… that’s the foundation. The rest is a wonderful bonus, but you need the first in order to make it work in the long run.”
“I understand what you’re trying to say, Rico, I really do. I guess I’m just afraid that Rob will eventually grow to resent me if my health prevents us from ever having children,” said Jillian honestly.
“I think you’re not giving my little brother enough credit, Jillian, to know his own mind and heart,” replied Rico just as truthfully.
“The two of you have been through a lot, and I’m not just referring to your illness these past few months. Rob never found anyone else, Jillian, during all the years the two of you were dancing around one another. Truthfully, he could have and you know that, because Rob is a great guy. He could’ve found someone else…someone to marry, and undoubtedly start a family with. However, that woman never came along, and I’m certain it was because he never really cared enough to look.”
They were silent as Rico pulled the car into the parking garage at the hospital and thankfully found an empty space fairly quickly. Turning off the engine, he glanced at Jillian across the console and interrupted the quiet by saying, “Give him a chance, Jillian, to decide this for himself. You love Rob, and at this point can you really imagine your life without him?”
When Jillian shook her head no, Rico smiled saying, “I can’t imagine it either. The two of you are meant to be together, Jillian. And if it ends up being just the two of you, then as long as you’re healthy, and happy, that’s all that counts in the end. Now come on, let’s go get this over with and then I’ll take you for ice cream after.”
Smiling despite her troubled thoughts, Jillian slid out of the car and waited for Rico to join her. As they walked across the connecting crosswalk to the hospital, Jillian said, “Thank you for listening to me, Rico. And you’re right, I have to let Rob make this decision for himself. It wouldn’t be fair to try and force my own fears and insecurities onto him. I’m just going to have to trust that he knows what he wants…just like Mel did with you.”
Laughing, Rico shook his head and said, “Yeah, and look what that got her! Two babies fourteen months apart in age, and a husband who knows he’s wrapped around her little finger. Don’t tell my brothers that I realize it, though, because I have to keep up my tough, older brother image around those two.”
Giving his arm a quick squeeze, Jillian joined in with his laughter and said, “Don’t worry, your secrets are safe with me. Now, what flavor of ice cream are you thinking about for later?”
Jillian finally arrived back home after her treatment, and after grabbing a bottle of water she made her way to the couch to sit. Hugging a pillow against her chest, she thought over her earlier conversation with Rico. Deep down she knew he was right about the fact that she needed to allow Rob to make his own informed decisions regarding their future. Besides, it wasn’t like he didn’t know exactly what her future might entail because Rob had been there every step of the way. He’d heard the likely prognosis, as well as the risks with regard to her health. He’d heard it all, but yet his strength and faith had never faltered once while he stood beside her through it all.
“To love is to be vulnerable.”
-C.S. Lewis
Chapter Thirty
Rob pulled up to his brother’s restaurant and killed the engine after parking as close to the door as he could manage. Rain fell in torrents outside the car, but he simply grabbed his umbrella before stepping out into the downpour. He was actually on a mission, or a food run to be more specific, because Jillian wanted chips. Yes, chips. And not just any chips would do. They had to come from Rico’s restaurant, along with an order of cheese dip. Jillian’s appetite was slowly returning, and as a result she was trying to reintroduce some of her old favorites. So far Rob had stopped to pick up chips with dip twice already this week, and everything was good so far.
Franco had assured Rob he’d have his order ready within minutes of his arrival so everything would still be reasonably warm when he arrived at home. Rob had added a few things to their order tonight, and he was anxious to dig into his own food soon. Stepping through the front door, Rob was greeted by the hostess before he made his way toward the kitchen. Franco wasn’t anywhere in sight, so Rob knew his friend was probably settling some sort of cooking crisis.
Just as Rob stepped through into the kitchen, his brother was actually heading in the opposite direction. Rico grinned broadly when he saw Rob, and then with a smirk asked, “Making your usual run tonight, Roberto?”
After they exchanged a traditional guy handshake and half hug, Rob replied, “Yeah, she wants chips and dip again. It’s like the third time this week, but if she’ll eat then I’ll gladly stop by to pick up whatever she wants.”
Rico regarded his younger brother for a moment and then made a snap decision. He’d been debating on whether he should talk to Rob about his and Jillian’s conversation last week, but so far he hadn’t brought it up. Melanie thought he needed to, and Rico knew she was probably right. If nothing else Rico felt his brother needed a heads up that something was weighing on Jillian this much, and how reluctant she was to broach the subject with Rob.
Slapping Rob on the shoulder, Rico asked, “Hey, you got a minute to talk? Franco can keep your order warm until you’re ready for it.”
“Sure, I can take a minute. What’s up?” asked Rob casually.
He followed Rico a short distance down a hallway then stopped as his brother keyed in the code to his private office. Once inside, Rob dropped into one of the chairs facing Rico’s desk while his brother took a seat in his own office chair.
“There’s something I’ve wanted to discuss with you, Rob, but I’ve hesitated until now. Melanie thinks I should talk to you, so I’m taking her advice,” began Rico.
Curiosity got the better of him, and Rob shifted slightly forward in his chair. “I don’t know whether to be curious or concern
ed, Rico. What’s so important that you need to keep me from my dinner?” asked Rob trying to inject a little humor into their conversation.
Smiling slightly, Rico looked away for a moment and then back to Rob. “Rob, it’s about a conversation I had with Jillian last week while driving to her appointment.”
Unease slid through him as Rob settled back in his seat and propped one ankle across the opposite knee. “Conversation? What was the topic of this conversation, Rico?”
“Jillian asked if she could talk to me about something that’s evidently been bothering her. Of course I told her yes, and then she went on to explain. Rob, the whole fertility issue is weighing on her, man. She’s worried about you, and how unfair it might be to you if you never get the opportunity to father a child of your own,” said Rico bluntly.
Rob’s foot dropped to the floor with a sharp clip of his heel to the hardwood below as he leaned forward again in his seat. “She said that?” he asked sharply.
“Yes, she did. And she’s also worried that if the two of you were to bring a child into your lives, how fair would it be to that child since her cancer could return,” explained Rico quietly.
Rob stared at his brother for a moment while his brain rushed to catch up. How had he missed this? He knew Jillian would have concerns, and he’d seen the look on her face when Dr. Sudan had touched on the possibility of fertility issues due to her treatments. He’d just assumed they’d talk about it eventually, but he’d never dreamed that she was struggling with it this much. Feeling like the most unobservant ass in the world, Rob dropped his head for a moment while he collected his thoughts.
I have to fix this he thought miserably. He had to make Jillian understand that no matter what, they were in this for the long haul…with or without a child. Did he want kids someday? Truthfully he did, and he’d wanted them with her. However, life had thrown them a pretty damn big curve in the form of cancer, and Rob was just thankful for every day that he got to spend with Jillian. They’d fought hard, and they were still fighting, to beat this thing so they could have a future together. And that’s all Rob wanted…was to have a future with the woman he loved.