by KD Bryan
Glancing up, Rob caught the look of concern on his older brother’s face. Knowing Rico he was now questioning whether he should’ve said anything, but from his own standpoint Rob was glad that he’d spoken up and told him about Jillian’s concerns. Now he needed to get home so he could alleviate some of those concerns before they became an even bigger problem.
“Rico, I knew she’d have concerns…I’m not foolish enough to think the fertility issue wouldn’t be an important one for Jillian. She wanted kids, and I wanted kids with her,” began Rob.
Rising to his feet, Rob paced the area in front of Rico’s desk and ran a hand back through his hair. “Rico, she’s all that matters right now, and I don’t understand why she doesn’t see that.”
Heaving out a sigh, Rico knew he’d come this far so he might as well see it through. “She does see that right now, Rob, but she’s looking to the future as well. Jillian knows you’ll say everything she needs to hear right now, but her fear is that at some point you’ll grow to resent her if the two of you are never given the opportunity to have a child in your lives.”
Defeated and feeling just a little sick, Rob dropped back into the chair he’d just vacated. He ran both hands down his face and then looked at Rico again. “How do I fix this, Rico? How do I convince Jillian that without her none of the other matters? That I don’t want kids just for the sake of having kids per say? It’s something that I eventually wanted to share with her, but it’s just one of the things I want to share with Jillian. Our whole future together certainly isn’t contingent upon that one thing.”
Picking up a pen from his desk, Rico absently rolled it across the surface while he thought about what Rob was saying. He knew his brother was sincere, he could hear it in Rob’s voice and the fact that he was genuinely upset over this. At least Rob now had time to think about it before he was blindsided later.
Choosing his words carefully, Rico said, “Rob, you’re going to have to tell her just what you’ve told me, and then repeat it several times afterwards. Mel and I were in a similar situation, Rob, and you know that. She’d convinced herself that I was never going to get past Camila’s death and the loss of the baby. And sadly I’d given her every reason to believe it, but then she got pregnant with Gabriela. That changed everything in our situation, but Mel still left because she was so afraid of how I’d react. It wasn’t my finest moment believe me.”
“How’d you ever get her to understand that you were ready to move on?” asked Rob.
“With patience…by continually showing and telling her that she was who I wanted now, not a ghost from the life I’d had before. Was it easy? Nope, not by a long shot. Mel still had doubts and fears, but she eventually developed enough faith in what I was telling her to start believing it,” said Rico.
“I’ve got to fix this, Rico. Before it gets any worse, and Jillian decides it would be the best thing for me if she stepped aside so I can have the life she thinks I want,” said Rob.
Smiling at his brother, Rico nodded. “I think you’re gonna be okay, man. You’ve got it figured out, and that’s half the battle. Now get your ass out of here and take the woman some chips.”
A short time later Rob was back in his car and heading toward home and a conversation, or in this case maybe a confrontation, that he was determined to win. He obviously hadn’t been paying close enough attention to what was going on with Jillian, other than her treatments and day to day care of course. He also knew that all of the negative thoughts she’d been having certainly wasn’t helping her physical wellbeing either. Why hadn’t she said anything to him? The answer came immediately, and Rob blew out a frustrated breath. It was fear…because right now Jillian was scared of everything.
Jillian’s life had been turned upside down, and Rob knew she felt there was very little certainty with regards to anything right now. Would she get better? Would the radiation completely obliterate any remaining cancer so she’d be in remission? And one of the biggest fears was whether her cancer would recur someday. It was a fear he had too, but Rob chose to deal with the here and now rather than borrowing problems for the future.
The sound of Rob’s key in the door had Jillian leaving the kitchen and heading to the living room to greet him. She smiled when she saw the many containers he was carrying, and realized he’d decided to pick up dinner for himself as well tonight. She’d hated to call and ask him to stop at Rico’s again, but for the past several days the salty chips and dip were something she’d craved.
“Hey, there. Looks like you decided to indulge in some Mexican tonight, too,” said Jillian by way of greeting.
She lifted her face to receive Rob’s kiss, but sensed immediately that something was off. He hadn’t even said hello yet, and the kiss had been pretty lame in comparison to how he usually greeted her. Maybe he’d had a long day at work, and Jillian decided to not read too much into his mood.
“Hey, yourself. And yeah, I decided fajitas and all the sides sounded pretty good tonight. You ready to eat?” asked Rob absently.
Without waiting for Jillian to answer, Rob headed toward the kitchen where he set the food containers down onto the island before turning to grab plates. He knew Jillian had followed him, and she was currently at the fridge getting their drinks. Right now Rob felt like he needed a beer, and he spoke up to put in his request.
Turning and looking at him from the fridge, Jillian said, “A beer this early in the evening? You must’ve had a rough day, Roberto.”
Turning away from the look she was directing his way, Rob mumbled, “Yeah, you could say that.”
Mystified by his attitude this evening, Jillian set their drinks down beside the food and looked at Rob.
“Hey, talk to me. What’s going on?” asked Jillian quietly.
Frustration made Rob turn and say curtly, “Talk to you? Maybe we need to discuss why you haven’t been talking to me!”
Jillian immediately drew back from his verbal attack and stared unblinking at Rob for a moment. His behavior was so out of character for him, and Jillian felt her stomach clench wondering why he was suddenly so defensive.
“What are you talking about, Rob? Talk to you about what? We talk all the time…you know that. Something has you upset, though, and I haven’t seen you like this in a very long time,” returned Jillian.
Sighing into the charged atmosphere surrounding them, Rob cursed himself for lashing out before. This was not how he’d planned on having this conversation, but truthfully he was hurt as well as frustrated. Hurt that Jillian obviously didn’t have enough faith in him…in what they had together to even talk to him about what was really bothering her. The fertility issue was big…the decision to have or not have kids was big…hell, everything was big these days.
“Jillian, let’s eat our dinner and then we’ll talk, okay?”
“No, it’s not okay! How am I supposed to eat when you’re obviously upset about something, and obviously upset with me?” retorted Jillian blinking back tears.
The tears in Jillian’s eyes slayed him like always, and Rob took the few steps separating them to pull her into his arms. Hugging her close, Rob pressed a kiss against the scarf she was wearing and then pulled back so he could look at her face.
“You’re right, and I’m sorry. It’s not fair for me to come home like this, and then expect you to just eat like nothing’s wrong. Come on, let’s go into the living room where we can sit and talk,” he suggested while tugging on her hand to follow him.
Jillian followed along behind quietly, but her brain was working overtime trying to figure out what was going on. She felt her heart thumping in her chest, and she took a slow breath in and then blew it out trying to calm her racing pulse. It was obvious she needed a level head and her emotions under control for this conversation.
If he…
Makes you laugh.
Kisses your forehead.
Says he’s sorry.
Makes an effort.
Holds your hand.
Works hard.
Attempts to understand you.
…then believe it or not,
he’s quite perfect.
-Unknown
Chapter Thirty-One
Rob settled them both on the couch and then turned to Jillian who had her fingers clenched together in her lap while eyeing him wearily. Rob hadn’t meant for things to start off this way, and now he was regretting not having his attitude under better control before he hit the door tonight. It was too late now, however, and he needed to salvage what he could of their evening.
“Jillian, again, I’m sorry that I came home in this mood. Let me explain, and then we’ll go from there. When I stopped by the restaurant I ran into my brother. Rico asked if I had a minute, and I said yeah, so we went to his office. Babe, he told me about the conversation the two of you had…”
“He did what?” asked Jillian anxiously. She hadn’t meant for Rico to talk to Rob, but then why was she surprised that he had? The Santos family talked about everything together, and she knew that.
Holding up one hand, Rob said, “Don’t get mad at him, okay? Evidently Rico’s been pretty concerned since then and just felt like I needed a heads up. And truthfully, Jillian, I’m glad that he did. That doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m upset with you because you haven’t talked to me, but yeah, I was blindsided by this. Try and see this from my standpoint, and I’ll do my best to try and explain it.”
Nodding for him to continue, Jillian felt her stomach clench again because she knew what was coming. Rob was hurt…frustrated and hurt…and she should’ve known that he would be. And now it was all on her because she hadn’t just spoken up and voiced some of her deepest concerns to him.
“Jillian, I know the fertility issue is a very big deal, and not just for you but for the both of us. I understood from the beginning that your treatments might leave you unable to ever get pregnant. And yeah, I’ve thought briefly about other possible ways for us to have a child, but it was just that…a passing thought. I haven’t brought it up because I was afraid it was too soon to delve into that aspect of our situation. I’ve solely been concentrating on the here and now, and making sure you’re getting everything that you need.”
“I need you to listen carefully to what I’m about to say. Having a child is something that I wanted with you…not with anyone else. I want everything with you, Jillian, don’t you see that? And there’s so much more to the life we can have together than just the sharing of a child. We’ll miss it, I have no doubt about that, but we’ll have each other. That’s enough for me, and with everything we’ve been through I’ve come to realize that sometimes you just can’t be greedy. Some things are simply not meant to be, and we can’t control that. But we can hold on tight to what we do have…what we’ve been lucky enough to keep, and then cherish it for as long as we possibly can.”
Oh my. What could she possibly say to that? Jillian had no idea, and any words were stuck behind the thick clog of tears in her throat right now anyway. Launching herself at Rob, Jillian wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tight. She had to believe him, and she had to have faith in what they had together.
Holding her tight, Rob let Jillian cry…if that was what she needed, then so be it. Everything he’d said was exactly how he felt, and it was up to her to either believe him or not at this point. In the meantime, though, he’d take his brother’s advice and keep showing her, as well as telling her, that everything he’d just said was from his heart.
Jillian finally pulled away and looked at Rob with tear stained cheeks. The tender look in his eyes was almost her undoing again, but she needed to say this…and he needed to hear it.
“Rob, I’m sorry that I didn’t come to you…that I didn’t talk to you about this, but I was so scared. Hell, it seems like I spend most of my days scared about everything now. I just know how important having kids will be to you one day. And right now I’m not sure if I’ll ever be brave enough to risk bringing a child into our lives knowing my odds aren’t great anymore,” explained Jillian quietly.
“I understand, Jillian, I really do. But let’s not borrow problems, okay? We’ll deal with those things when we need to, but in the meantime let’s just concentrate on getting you through this,” Rob assured her.
Reaching out, he pulled Jillian against his chest again and said, “Regardless of what we can or can’t do, or what we decide or don’t decide…we’ll do it together. I need you to believe that whether you believe anything else or not. I love you, Jilli, and I always will. You’re it for me, and we’re in this together no matter what happens. Can you have enough faith in me…in us…to believe that, too?”
The only thing she could do was nod her head yes, because the words simply wouldn’t come. They’d get through this, and they’d do it together regardless of the hand they’d been dealt.
One week later Jillian was in the bathroom about to shower when Rob showed up at the door and announced they were going to a party. Surprise registered on her face before she asked, “A party? Who’s having a party?”
“Carli just called and said tomorrow is their court date to finalize the adoption. They want everyone to meet at Rico’s for a little celebration,” explained Rob.
A smile lit Jillian’s features, but then it was replaced by a frown. “Rob, I’m not sure I can go, but you have to be there.”
“Why can’t you be there? Are you worried about being in a crowd, babe? Your last white cell count was good, and Dr. Sudan was really pleased with how you’ve handled the radiation treatments.”
“I know, but I just don’t want to risk anything happening at this point. I’ve been lucky, Rob, and we both know that. Only one hospitalization through this whole thing, and I haven’t come down sick with anything. Should we risk it now?” asked Jillian anxiously.
Stepping in the bathroom, Rob pulled Jillian in close for a hug and said, “I have an idea, so just listen and hear me out, okay. We’ll call Dr. Sudan and get his opinion, and we’ll be honest with him that yes, there’ll be a ton of kids of all ages at this thing. We’ll make sure no one is sick beforehand, and ask about you wearing a mask.”
Nodding in agreement, Jillian said, “Alright, sounds good. I’d feel better if we checked with him first just to be sure. But won’t it scare the little ones if I’m wearing a mask? I’ll wear my wig so the whole no-hair thing won’t freak them out, but I certainly don’t want to scare them.”
Laughing despite his attempt not to, Rob said, “Yeah, wear the wig, babe. I don’t think they’re ready for the buzz-cut look on you. Although, I personally find it very sexy.”
Nuzzling her neck with his lips, Rob let one hand roam inside Jillian’s robe so he could stroke her breast. They’d gradually been making love more often when Jillian felt like it, but Rob certainly didn’t push the issue and usually let her take the lead. She just felt so good in his arms, and he knew she was naked beneath the short robe she was wearing. It was almost too much to resist, and he drew back to gauge her reaction.
“Roberto, there is nothing sexy about a buzz cut, so spare me your lame pick-up line. You just want inside my robe because you know I’m naked,” Jillian accused him with a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. He was so obvious, but she was thankful they were finally regaining this part of their relationship.
“Guilty as charged, but that’s not the whole story,” Rob informed her as he walked her backwards toward the vanity.
“Really? Then what’s the whole story?”
Lifting her up, Rob placed Jillian on the vanity top and then stepped between her legs. The bottom of her robe fell open across the top of her thighs, and Rob gave a little hum of appreciation.
“Not only do I want inside of your robe, but my goal is to have you yelling out my name in just a few minutes,” he explained while working on the tie at her waist.
Once it was loose, Rob spread the front of her robe open wide and ran his hands up Jillian’s body until he reached her breasts. He circled the pads of his thumbs around t
he already taunt peaks and heard her moan just before his mouth took hers in a kiss.
It was a kiss full of desire and longing for what the two of them made together, and Jillian responded by lifting the hem of Rob’s t-shirt until he was forced to pull away so she could remove it completely. Her robe dropped to the vanity, and then Rob’s shorts hit the floor. Minutes later, Rob reached his goal when he had Jillian’s body strung so tight her release was imminent as she clung to him and whimpered quietly. Stroke for stroke, he drove them both to the edge and shuddered in her arms as they came together.
Rob raised his head from Jillian’s shoulder and she absently noticed the lazy grin on his face. Her own body was so sated and relaxed she didn’t want to move, but Rob actually did the work for her. Lifting her up, Jillian wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her back into the bedroom where they tumbled to the mattress. Rob kissed her soundly before rolling onto his back and taking her with him so he could tuck her body against his.
Dropping another kiss to her head, he announced, “And that’s how it’s done, babe. Check and mate…mission accomplished.”
Jillian rolled her eyes at his boastful declaration, but it was nothing she hadn’t heard before. It was just Rob, and through the years he’d made her laugh more than anyone else, as well as shed more tears because of him. Their relationship was unique, and at times Jillian knew they’d handled things very poorly. Those days were behind them now, and she sighed quietly as she closed her eyes and snuggled closer to his warmth.