Where I Found My Heart

by Hansen, C. E.

  I was positive I sounded like a bitch but the dream I’d had earlier really stressed me out, I was drawn tight inside and out. I also had to admit, the small tingling originating at the sling of my panties, proved I was a little more than wound up.

  “You’re wrong Ren. Dead wrong.” There was a pause. I believe the woman was trying to tell me she knew more about me than I did. “Okay, I can’t stand it. I can’t live with myself. You need to be with people. You need to like…live Ren. All I think about is you sitting alone, in that apartment, by yourself. No one. Just yourself.”

  I didn’t want to be a bitch but her words stuck home and I hated how I felt now. I was angry and hostile and fucking fed up. But Lib…all she wanted was to heal, and helping me find my way was part of her healing too. See, she loved Dylan almost as much as me. No, I take that back. No one, and I mean no one could have loved Dylan as much as I did…do. He was the very air I breathed. As I’m thinking these thoughts I realize I sound like a fucking psychotic. I’m not. Really I’m not. I want my fucking boring, everyday, wonderful life back.

  Goddamn it all to hell.

  “Libby.” I was warning her.

  “Ren. You know I love you but fuck. Fuck Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck!”

  Libby liked the word fuck. A lot.

  I felt a smile pull at my mouth.

  I’m not judgmental. I love it too.

  FUCK.

  “I’m not backing down on this one.”

  A declaration.

  I was afraid of that.

  “Libby.”

  “Reny.”

  Bitch was digging her heels in.

  “Think we got us a Mexican standoff.”

  “Ha! Yeah right. I’m taking you to dinner tomorrow. Be ready at six.”

  “I don’t think…”

  “You don’t have a choice. I’ll drag you out in your pajama pants if I have to. Although you might find it uncomfortable.”

  “Libby, I wouldn’t even…I have nothing to wear. Um.” I think I moaned.

  “I’ll be over at 4:00. So answer the fucking door this time.”

  I was trying to come up with an excuse, but it’s not like you can say, I’ll be feeling sick tomorrow. Right?

  “That was you?”

  “See you tomorrow Reny.” And just like that, she dismissed me. Another pause. “Okay…okay. Night.”

  She hung up, leaving me no alternative. I think I went headlong into a full panic. I shook.

  “Dylan?” I moaned.

  Of course, I didn’t get an answer.

  I was sick with worry all night. My stomach was queasy. I went back and forth to the bathroom. I was exhausted when the sun woke me up. I glanced at the clock and immediately panicked again.

  I did not understand how to do this. Shower. Makeup. Hair. Clothes. Jesus Christ, what the hell was I going to wear?

  I was comfortable hiding. I like being left alone.

  I would not get what I like today.

  Could I do this?

  Chapter 8

  True to her word, Libby was knocking at my door at four o’clock sharp.

  I answered it, still in my bathrobe. I hadn’t showered yet. Libby took one look at me and immediately hugged me. Her hair smelled pretty. She was dressed nice in a pair of black jeans and a white blouse. Her makeup had been applied perfectly, as it always was. The stark contrast between us both was not lost on me.

  It was shocking.

  Before I realized it, I hugged her back.

  “Let me see you.” She pushed me away from her, and I stood there, my head bent down, like a child expecting a scolding. “I’ve missed you Ren.” She pulled me back into a hug.

  “I missed you too Libs.”

  I had let my guard down and I could feel my body tremble from the inside.

  “I think you should get in the shower. Getting the knots out of that hair is gonna take a long time, and we have a six thirty reservation.” She was dictating. It was something she did when she didn’t know what else to do.

  “Libby, what if we order something in. Chinese, pizza? Whatever you want.”

  “Nope. You are going out. We are going out.” She spun me around and gently pushed me towards the bathroom. “Now get your ass in that shower.”

  Libby was such a force of nature. Always was, and I knew I was losing the battle. I walked into the bedroom and turned around in the doorway. “I have nothing to wear…” I saw her eyebrows shoot up.

  “Get in the shower and stop making excuses. I’ll pick something out for you. Now go.” She pointed in the direction behind me.

  Defeated, I shut the bathroom door, got my self undressed, and turned the shower on. Fear gripped me and my heart beat so fast, I felt like I would pass out.

  I needed a Valium!

  “And use a lot of conditioner.” Libby’s voice reverberated within the confines of the shower stall.

  I wanted to scream. I wanted to make her leave. But if I were to tell the truth, it felt good seeing her. It also felt good letting the warm water cascade down my body.

  When I was done, I quickly dried off and put my hair up in a towel. Tightening the belt around my waist, I stepped out of the bathroom. Not only was the bed made, but lying on top of the bed were a pair of jeans and a black knit top. Socks, bra and panties lay next to them and my black boots. Boots I haven’t seen in a long time were standing side by side on the floor next to the bed.

  “I’m making us a drink. It’ll help you relax.” She shouted from the kitchen.

  I could hear the banging and clanking of glasses, pots, and ice tinkling.

  “It’ll take more than a drink.” I said somewhat under my breath.

  “There’s a Val on the nightstand.” She called out, as if she could read my mind.

  I swallowed the Valium down with a chug of water and got dressed. When I was done I walked out of the bedroom. My body swayed precariously as I tried to balance myself on heels.

  “Been a while.” I said as I reached the breakfast bar.

  “It’s like riding a bike. You’ll get used to it.” Libby laughed. “Here, sit down and taste this.” She pushed a martini glass toward me and lifted her own up.

  I took a sip and was momentarily shocked at the taste of the alcohol. My eyes watered as I swallowed it down.

  “What the hell…”

  “It’s a Manhattan, my new favourite. You don’t like it?”

  “No, it’s good. Just shocking. Whiskey?”

  “Bourbon.”

  “Where did you find that? Here?”

  “Hell no, I brought it with me. I knew there was nothing here.” She looked around the apartment.

  I took another sip and let the taste of the bourbon slide over my tongue. It was smooth, like caramel and really…

  “Delicious.” Libby’s eyebrow shot up doubtfully. “Serious. It’s really good.”

  “I know right?” She took a sip of her own. “Now sit here,” she pointed to the stool in front of the breakfast bar, “and let me see about getting those knots out.”

  I sat where she indicated and took another sip of my drink.

  “I know what you’re up to. You’re trying to numb me before you drag that comb through my hair.”

  “Something like that.”

  “Owww.” I yelled out as she tugged on the comb.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

  “I’m kidding Libs.”

  “Just for that…” she dragged the comb from top to bottom. Stopping to loosen a knot.

  When she was done she brushed it until it was almost dry.

  “Next the face.”

  “What?”

  “Some makeup.”

  “Lib, last chance. How about ordering in? Your favourite Chans. Come on, you love that food.”

  “After all this? You’re not getting off the hook that easily.”

  I sat as still as I could.

  “Are you almost done?” I was afraid to move.

  “Just about…”

>   When she stopped to get something out of her makeup case I spun the chair around and grabbed my drink taking a long sip.

  “Whoa. Take it easy. We have all night ahead of us.”

  “Just dinner Libby.” I admonished.

  “Yup. Dinner and drinks.” She took her time, occasionally tossing in an order or two. ‘Hold still’, ‘close your lids’, ‘open your eyes’. Then after what seemed like forever, she stood in front of me with her hands on her hips and a huge grin on her face. “Go check it out. You’re gorgeous.”

  “Yeah right. That would have taken a miracle and I don’t think you have any of those in that bag.” I stood and immediately felt the effects of the drink, not to mention the heels. I held onto the countertop for a few seconds before making my way into the bedroom. I walked up to the closet door and swung it open, revealing the full-length mirror.

  What I saw looking back at me was nothing short of a miracle. I didn’t recognize myself. I was almost pretty. Well, sort of. “I’ll take another drink.” I said as I turned to her.

  “It’s not the Manhattan Ren. You’re beautiful.” She smiled proudly.

  I managed a smile as I stepped back and stood there like an idiot staring at the woman in the mirror. Just then panic set in. “Where are we going?”

  “You’ve never been there. Adelphia. It’s a Mediterranean restaurant and bar.” She looked a little worried. “I knew you didn’t want to run into anyone, so…the foods great and the best thing is it’s in Chester.”

  “Thank you for that.” I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The Valium was calming and I could feel some of the tension flow out of me.

  Chapter 9

  We stepped outside the side door and walked, or should I say ‘I tried to walk’, down the street to where Libby parked her car. I climbed in slowly and looked around. It’s been so long since I was outside on the street where I lived. The sinking sun was warm on my face as I looked up through the window.

  “Relax.” Libby said as she put her hand on top of mine. I hadn’t noticed my fingers tightly clutched around each other. “You need this.” She squeezed my hand again, “hell, we both need this.”

  I turned to look at her and noticed that she too was a little nervous. I found myself staring. My stomach knotted up.

  “What’s the matter?” she asked as though she could feel the tension building in the confined space.

  “Nothing…it’s just that you look…I haven’t seen you in a long time.” I covered.

  “Get used to it. I plan on doing this at least once a week.”

  I swallowed hard. I was relieved I didn’t say it out loud, but it was jolting to look at Libby. She and Dylan look so much alike. I felt my chest constrict as my heart skipped a beat or two.

  I’m doing this for you Dylan.

  After driving for twenty minutes, we pulled up out front of a beautiful quaint looking restaurant. It was a large bright white building with a modern balcony wrapped around the second floor housing several tables for dining al fresco. We walked up the long wide staircase and was met by a rather handsome man, tall, dark skinned, warm brown eyes and long black hair, who opened the door for us.

  “Thank you.” We both chimed.

  “Welcome to Adelphia ladies.” He smiled broadly, his voice smooth.

  “We have a reservation for two. McAdams.” Libby announced.

  My heart jumped. I hadn't heard anyone say that name in so long. I tried my best to shake it off. After all the trouble Libby went through to take me out, I at least owed her a pleasant dinner. No talk about what happened. I was determined there will be no heartbreak tonight. There was plenty of time to go back to feeling sorry for myself tomorrow. Tonight was Libby’s…and mine.

  “We’d like to have a drink at the bar first, we’re early.”

  He swung his arm towards the bar. “I will let you know when your table is ready.”

  “Thank you.”

  We both climbed up onto the cushioned stools.

  “What do you want to drink?”

  “Manhattan?” I asked.

  “Two Manhattans’ please.” Libby held two fingers up as she spoke to the bartender.

  “Of course, any preference of bourbon?”

  “Blanton’s if you have it.”

  “We do. Two Manhattan’s.” He tapped the bar with his hand before going off to make our drinks.

  I looked around the room admiring the airy light feeling.

  “Mmm. Light and airy.”

  “What?” Libby asked.

  “I didn’t think I said that out loud.”

  “You did…but,” She looked around the room, “you’re right. It is light and airy.”

  The walls were white and filled with tasteful pictures of the Greek Islands. There was a large mural on one wall of the coastline and the small homes dotted up the mountain. Wisteria flowering and climbing up the façade of the bright white homes with bright blue roofs. Towards the back of the restaurant were several large four-poster seating areas with elegant mosquito netting surrounding each one. A dotting of tables with long bench seating covered in bright blue cushions.

  “That’s where we’re going after dinner. There is another bar back there and there’s live music. I reserved a table to the side.” She pointed to the far left rear of the room. “Like that one.”

  I felt a twittering in my stomach and knew the butterflies were getting ready for an all out attack. Libby must have seen the look on my face.

  “Don’t be nervous. It’s just us. I promise. Here have a sip.” She pushed my glass towards me.

  I lifted the drink to my lips and relaxed as the cool bourbon slid through my mouth making a heated trail to my stomach. Libby talked about her day and the people we worked with as only Libby could. She has a great sense of humor and was great at telling a story. It’s an Irish thing. Runs in the family. Dylan was just like her. Although she was officially older, by eight minutes, than her brother, they shared so many of the same traits.

  I told her about dropping my card case during my big outing to the supermarket and she laughed when I told her about the guy who found it on the floor, but wasn’t sure it was mine as he looked between me and the picture on my license, then laughed at my expense. Libby is still laughing.

  “Ladies. Your table is ready if you are.” We both turned to find the tall, dark, handsome man who had greeted us standing with two menus and a wine list in his arm.

  “We are.” Libby said as she stood. I stood and grabbed my drink.

  “You may leave those there and I’ll have someone bring them right over.”

  We were led to a table next to the window and sat.

  It looked to be the best table in the restaurant. It certainly had the best view. Chester is a hilly picturesque town. It’s known for its park like streets and open spaces and its quaint shops and restaurants. Our table looked out onto the park with a large stream rippling over stones on it’s way downhill. It was quite a serene location and I felt myself begin to relax…really relax.

  “I told you this would be good for you. Look at you. You’re positively glowing.”

  I felt flush, but I attributed that to the drink. Which, by the way, is my new favourite too.

  We had a seafood tower, with crabmeat, shrimp, small lobster tails and a scallop ceviche. It was delicious. Next was a Mediterranean salad with chopped cucumber, chopped fresh tomatoes, red onion and fresh parsley. All tossed with a fresh lemon Greek dressing.

  I let Libby chose my main course for me. The menu was overwhelming. I wanted one of everything. I hadn’t eaten like this, in what seems like, forever. My taste buds were in heaven.

  We switched to Champagne with dinner. It was ‘lighter and compliments the entrees better’. From her lips, really.

  Libby’s family isn’t wealthy. I mean they do well for themselves. They own a large landscaping business in Bernardsville and a twenty-acre nursery. That’s where I met Dylan.

  I worked there one summer when I was
home from college and we…let’s say it was destiny and leave it at that. We were married after graduation and he worked with his family while I went to grad school.

  I love growing things. Flowers. Vegetables. Plants. It grows…I love it. I majored in horticulture and planned on working in the green houses with…

  “What are you thinking about. You look serious.”

  “Nothing.” I lied.

  “No serious thoughts tonight. Just light, airy, fun times.”

  “Yes ma’am.” I mockingly saluted her and we both laughed.

  “How are we getting home after all these wonderful drinks?”

  “Dave.”

  “What?” I was frozen. I didn’t want to see anyone. Dave is Dylan and Libby’s younger brother. I didn’t want to see anyone. I know I said that already.

  “Dave is coming with Jerry. Then Dave is taking us home and Jerry is following in Dave’s car.”

  I thought about this for a second, realized there really wasn’t a choice, then swatted at the air. “Light airy fun.” I proclaimed.

  Libby lifted her drink. “To light airy fun!”

  “Well, hello. It’s nice to see you again.”

  I didn’t fully grasp what was happening. One minute I was toasting to ‘light, airy fun’, and the next minute I looked up to find Mr. Jolting Blue Eyes standing at the end of our table. I quickly looked at Libby, in hopes she knew what was happening. Then back to blue eyes.

  “Excuse me?” I was truly confused.

  “Well, it’s good to see you’re looking more like yourself tonight.”

  I got the reference right away. And by the smirk on Libby’s face, she got it too.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about…and it’s…it’s rude to interrupt people’s dinner.” I felt flush. The heat rose from my chest up to my forehead. I knew everyone saw it, which caused me to get redder.

  “I haven’t had the pleasure.” Libby said.

  Oh, shut up Libby. I want him to go away. Remember Light, airy fun?

  He had the audacity to hold his hand out to Libby.

  “Hi. I’m Mark. I, um, met, I guess you can say met,” he stared at me then turned back to Libby. I think at this point I was crimson. That would be a good description, color wise.