I pulled my top over my head, smiling behind its cover, and blushed. Then pulled and zipped up my jeans buttoning the top.
“I…”
“Did you have enough?” he asked. If I took the time to see what he was referring to before reacting, I would have realized he meant food.
“Never.”
Now that earned me a hearty chuckle.
“Of you…never. Definitely never.” He started putting the food away. “But I was asking if you wanted more to eat.”
You guessed it. I blushed. Big surprise.
“No, but I’ll take another glass of wine.” Good save right?
“Of course.” He poured another glass for me.
I took a long draw then we both cleaned up, packed the basket. After all was put away I lay on my back and looked at the beautiful blue sky. He sat next to me and ran his fingers through my hair.
“I hope I didn’t push you to do something you weren’t ready for.” He said low, his voice tenuous.
“No. No you didn’t. But I may have.”
“Don’t do that to yourself.”
“What?”
“Don’t let guilt in.”
“Easier said than done.” I was surprised I didn’t tear up this time.
“If it is any help, and stop me if you don’t want me to reopen wounds, what you are going through isn’t...unusual.”
“This is…it was perfect. I just…tell me about her. About your wife.”
I took him by surprise. He didn’t expect my question.
“What do you want to know, I’m an open book.” He held his arms out.
“How were you…how did you act when she died?”
“It was expected. So it wasn’t a surprise. But that doesn’t ease the pain that comes with losing someone, it doesn’t make the death of someone you love so much, any easier.”
I felt horrible for asking, but I wanted to know how he coped.
“I understand that. But how did it happen? Where were you? Where you this much of a mess?” I pointed to myself.
“It was different for me. Like I said it wasn’t a surprise. Jenn was in the last stage of her disease, and needed to be hospitalized. I was unable to care for her the way she needed to be. She needed care twenty four hours a day, 7 days a week and I couldn’t do it alone.”
I felt a stich in my chest.
“I went home that night feeling strange. Odd. But of course I attributed it to just loosing Jennifer. You know, I kept going over it in my head. I couldn’t understand how she held on the way she did for so long. She was in a coma, then suddenly, out of nowhere she woke up, turned and looked at me and spoke for a few moments. She was so lucid, so clear.” He looked up before continuing, “She told me it was time. Told me she loved me. Made me promise to continue…for us both. I was expecting that. She was a very giving woman.” He looked at his hands, “Then she said goodbye. And like that, she was gone.” He shook his head, “I took her hand and held it in mine, and I physically felt her leave her body. It was the strangest thing.”
I was entranced and eager to hear more.
“Please…” I nearly begged.
“I went home and did exactly what I told her I wouldn’t do. I closed myself off. I hid inside myself, inside my home and pushed the world away. Until recently.”
“What happened?”
“Something inside me told me I needed to find you.”
“What? What something told you to find me? What are you talking about?”
I felt a chill run down the length of me.
“Something inside me said it was time.”
“You know how crazy this all sounds?” My tears slowly built and I sat there dumbfounded.
“I do, but then when I saw you in the supermarket that day. I knew. I knew right away.”
“You knew what?”
“I knew I’d found you.”
I got another chill. I felt like I was backed up against a wall.
“I’m a little tired, do you mind if we leave soon?”
“No. No problem. Are you all right?”
“I am, just a little tired. It’s been an…incredible day.” To say the least.
“I had a wonderful time Reny.”
“So did I Mark.”
He picked up the basket and with his hand on my lower back, we walked back to the car.
The ride home was quiet. I looked out the window at the sky and tried to face my feelings. Inside my head I was numb, but my body…wow. My body tingled from the inside out. It felt so good I wasn’t one hundred percent sure I could get past the feeling I betrayed Dylan.
He pulled up outside the nursery and we both got out of the car. The parking lot was empty. I looked at my watch 6:30. Of course it would be, everyone had gone home. We closed at 4:30.
I turned to Mark, “I had a wonderful day. Really wonderful day.” I nodded my head for emphasis. “Probably the best I’ve had in a very long time.”
“But?”
He’d heard my hesitation.
“I would really appreciate it if you could give me a little time.”
I saw the disappointment flash across his beautiful face, and felt torn.
“I’ll be here when you’re ready Reny.”
“Thank you for that.” I said those words as sincerely as I felt them.
“I’ll wait for you to call me. You know the number.”
“I do and I’ll use it…I promise.”
He leaned in and kissed me lightly on the lips. I felt the tingle again, but held my body stiff. I really wasn’t ready. There was a lot I needed to work out in my head.
Mark walked me to my car and shut my door.
“Call me Reny.” He said as he walked away holding his hand to his head mock telephone style.
I nodded. I was thankful I was able to leave the parking lot without him seeing the tears streaming down my face.
Was what happened wrong? Did I do something I will regret? Was I ready to move on?
NO to all the above.
I walked into my apartment and looked around. It felt like I hadn’t been here in a week. I quickly undressed and started the shower. I plugged in my cell phone, which had died during the afternoon and found I had three missed calls and five texts from Libby.
How are things?
Hope you’re having fun ;)
Call me when you can.
You okay????
Reny, call me!!!
I called her right away.
“Hello…where have you been, why haven’t you called me?”
“Whoa, slow down missy. I’m fine. I had a longer lunch than I planned. My phone died. I hope that was in the right order.” I laughed.
“You’re not funny Ren. I was so worried.”
“You think Mark would…”
“No. Definitely not. Just worried you’d gotten into…nevermind. How was lunch?”
“It was really nice. I’ll fill you in tomorrow. Right now I’m going to take a nice long warm shower and I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Okay?”
“Fine…” I could tell she was pouting from the tone in her voice. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Hey, aren’t you out with Josh’s parents?”
“Yes…and I’m making them crazy with worry for you.”
“Go tell them I’m fine and celebrate! This is your time Libs, enjoy it!”
“I should right?”
“Yup, you should.”
“Okay, see you tomorrow.”
“I’ll be there.”
I should have said it’s time to leave all worries behind, but I didn’t want to get into that whole conversation now. Besides, I really needed to take that long hot shower. My bones were tired and my muscles were aching. Muscles I haven’t used in a very long time.
Chapter 23
With my head upside down I held the hairdryer up as I ran my fingers through my long damp hair.
“Damn knots.”
Afterwards I pulled a comb through the mess, which last
ed for all of four seconds before I said the hell with it and pulled it up in thick scrunchie. I got dressed in my nightshirt and climbed between the cool crisp sheets.
“Fresh air will knock you out.” No one was there to listen, but I said it anyway. I closed my eyes and pulled the blanket up to my chin.
“You did nothing wrong Ren.”
“What?” I turned around to find him standing there. Eyes bright as all hell. He smiled crookedly and wanted to pull the covers over my head. I felt embarrassed and ashamed.
“You did nothing wrong.” I heard the words again.
“I’ve done so much wrong.” I held on to the blanket. I felt so guilty about so much I couldn’t bare to pull it down and face him.
“Reny, look at me.” His voice was soft, but I could tell it wasn’t a suggestion. I lowered the blanket and was instantly sorry I did. “You did nothing wrong.”
“Stop saying that or I’m gonna scream.” I shook my head, “I have done so much…”
“You did nothing wrong.” He was pushing my buttons. His sideways smile, which always gave him away, did just that now.
“I wanted ice cream.”
“So?”
“I wanted the ice cream.”
“And pound cake.” he added.
“Way to make me feel less guilty”
“You know you did nothing wrong.”
I looked down at my feet. Suddenly I felt unworthy of his presence. Like I didn’t deserve to be with him now.
“Nothing Ren, nothing.”
He could be—what did I used to call it—persuasive. It was one of his many talents. He put his finger under my chin and lifted my face up. I kept my eyes downcast but he countered by bending his knees, lowering his body, so that our eyes would meet. I closed my eyes.
“Now you’re just being stubborn.”
“No I’m not.”
“Yes you are. Only thing missing is you stamping your feet.”
I blurted a laugh. “I could add it if you want.”
“What I want is for you to admit you did nothing wrong, and I’m willing to stand here until you say it… and I believe you.”
He would too you know. He was as stubborn as I was. He crossed his arms, a sure sign he was digging in.
“You know, you were always better at dealing with what’s inside you better than me. You always knew how to say what you were thinking. I was never good at that.”
“You had other talents.” I snickered.
“So did you.”
Smirking I looked back down at my bare feet.
“Why?”
“Why what Ren?”
“Why did you leave me?”
“Baby, I never left you.”
“Yes you did. You left me all alone. I was so alone, so sad. I really didn’t think I’d make it.”
“But you did, and I’m proud of you babe.”
“I lost him.” Those words were as much a confession as a failure. I bit my lip, afraid to see any sign of disappointment on his face.
“Who did you lose Ren?”
“I lost our son.”
“No, you didn’t. You gave him to me.”
I shook my head, trying to shake the guilt out. It didn’t work.
“I gave him…to you?”
“Yes, and thank you. I really needed him.”
“I need you both.”
“I’m always here Reny. We both are, always will be.”
“But you’re gone.”
“I’ll never be gone Reny, as long as you keep breathing—and Libby keeps talking—I’ll never be gone.” He rolled his eyes the way he always did and I laughed. I looked into them again, looking for a sign of something that would belie what he really felt.
I was amazed, they were as beautiful as I remembered; the golden specks glowing like they were on fire.
“Will you wait for me?”
“Only if you promise.”
“Promise?”
“To be happy.”
“I was happy with you…I was so happy.” I felt a pang in my chest.
“I love you Reny, you made me so happy.”
I felt the warmth of my tears slide down my cheeks.
“How am I supposed to be happy without you? How do you expect me to be that strong?”
I was angry. I was angry and hurt.
“You’ll figure it out. You were always able to use that strength inside you, you just never knew it. Always capable of such love…and you always did the right thing.”
“Are you seriously going to stand there and tell me what happened today was not wrong?” I was sorry the minute the words left my mouth.
“I am.”
“Why? I could never look at you again if you…”
“But I am looking at you.”
“Yeah. Well, stop.”
“I’m happy for you.”
I looked at him incredulously.
“Don’t look at me like that, like everything is okay and life is just dandy. You always did that. You always acted like everything was fine.”
“It was more than fine.”
“But…” I felt his finger on my lips and kissed it.
“Live your life Ren.” He backed away. He looked down on the nightstand and saw the prescription bottle. “You won’t be needing these anymore.” He pointed, then he laughed low, deep in his chest, like he did whenever I did something silly, or stupid.
“Don’t leave. Please.” I was panicking. A felt this strange flood of sadness and urgency wash over me. In my head I was trying to come up with a plan to hold him here, keep him with me.
“Hold my hand.” I held my hand out desperately needing his touch. He smiled and held my trembling hand, his so soft, so warm as it encased my own.
I don’t know what happened next, or how, but it was if he reached inside me and pulled the sadness out. If I had to liken it to a feeling I would know, I’d say it was like million rose petals fell from the sky at once caressing my skin, covering me. I felt peaceful, and also exhausted.
“I’ll always be with you Reny.”
“I love you Dylan. I’ll always love you.”
“Love you too babe.” It was his standard answer, but I knew whenever he said it, he meant it.
I saw him smile as he backed away from me. It was bright, and warm and happy, and I was filled with his brightness, his warmth, and felt his happiness.
I was afraid to move, afraid I wouldn’t see him again, afraid I wouldn’t feel like this again. But I remembered what he told me and I knew he was right. I was always able to use the strength inside me. I knew I had to now.
Knowing I would see them both again gave me that strength.
I was ready to live again.
I needed to live again.
Chapter 24
The next morning I woke up to find grey clouds drifting by fast, leaving a sky of stunning blue and a bright cheerful sun in their path. I sat on the edge of the bed, my feet skimming the floor and looked around the room suspiciously. It was exactly as I remembered it. Everything in its place. Everything how I’d left it before going to sleep. Then why did I feel like so much had changed?
I went inside to brew a pot of coffee. I brushed my mass of tangles and swept it up into a messy bun, securing it onto the top of my head. I dressed in a McAdams Nursery Tee shirt and baggie jeans and pulled the garden clogs out from under the bed. When I was finished dressing I walked to the kitchen poured a cup of coffee and took it back into the bedroom. I set it on the nightstand…next to the pill bottle.
That same bottle that had a power over me almost a year now.
“Won’t be needing you anymore.” I said as I picked up the bottle then went into an all out panic dropping the pills. “Where’s the ring? Okay not funny. Where is that damned ring?”
I jumped up and looked under the table, under the bed, in the bedding. I sat on the floor and looked in the closet, searching through every pocket of every pair of pants and every jacket pocket I’d worn in the last wee
k.
My cell rang, and I jumped, my nerves on edge.
“Hey, it’s me coffee?”
“I lost it. I lost it.”
“Reny, what’s wrong?” Libby’s voice changed from her typical cheerful self to serious worry mode. “What’s wrong Reny?”
“Libby I lost it.” I sobbed, “I lost Dylan’s ring.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming now and we’ll find it together. Okay?”
I was silent. I know I’d gone pale because I could feel the blood drain from my face. I was dizzy.
“Okay.” I got at least one word out.
I looked in places it couldn’t be. Inside shoes I hadn’t worn in a year, my dresser drawers, the shower. I even looked in the medicine cabinet. Really Reny?
There was a knock on the door and I ran to it, opening before asking who it was; thankful it was Libby. Another set of eyes.
“Help me find it Libs. Please.”
She had commented in the past I should put it in my jewelry box and not leave it on the end table, said it was like I was ‘torturing myself’. She was right. I wanted to see it every morning I awoke and every night I fell asleep…just to remind myself why I was so sad.
“I have to find it Libby. Look. Look.”
“Okay Ren, I’m looking.” She took the sheets off the bed. The covers and pillows lay in a pile on the floor. She looked under the chair cushions. She nearly crawled under the bed. If I didn’t know better I’d say she was as determined to find it as I was.
“Shit…fuck fuck fuck.”
“What, did you find it?”
“No.”
“Then why are you cursing.”
“I don’t know.”
I looked in the hamper. Then one by one tossed each drawer in the dresser upside down. She crawled on all fours over to where I sat on the floor to aid me in my search.
After checking we replaced the contents and I shoved the drawers back inside the dresser.
“When did you see it last Reny?” Her face flush, her eyes bright.
“I saw it last…” I thought for a few moments and then…and then…“I saw it last night on Dylan’s finger…last night.”
Where I Found My Heart Page 10