Enigma of the Heart

by Wynette Davis

  “I wasn’t sure if I should drop these off. My luck hasn’t been so good when it concerns you and Taffy,” Thalia said to him. “Is she here?”

  Jean-Michel only shook his head as he turned to walk back into the living room. “No.” He sat back down on the sofa dejectedly.

  Thalia put the box on the coffee table, and took a seat next to her brother. “What is wrong? You look like you just lost your puppy.”

  “I don’t know what happened. We were having a beautiful night,” Jean-Michel said. “We had made love, and…”

  “I really didn’t need to know that, Jean-Michel. When it comes to you and Taffy making love, I’ve had enough to last a lifetime.”

  “I told her that I loved her,” he continued as if Thalia hadn’t said anything. “But then it all went so wrong. She said that I was trying to push her into saying that she loved me. It’s like she’s afraid of feeling anything for me, Thalia.”

  “Then find someone that will, Jean-Michel.”

  “No! How can you say that?”

  Thalia only gave him a concerned stare. “Jean-Michel? I only want you to be happy. If she doesn’t love you—”

  “She is afraid to love me, Thalia. I don’t know why, but she is.”

  “You deserve someone that won’t be afraid of love. Maybe you should leave her alone for a while?”

  He shook his head. “I wish I could, but it’s not that I love her, Thalia. I’m in love with her.”

  Thalia stared at her brother. “I like Taffy, Jean-Michel. I do, but I don’t think she’s the one for you. She seems to have some problems that have nothing to do with you. I don’t think you should continue this. That is all.”

  “Another package from Mama,” he said quickly changing the subject. “More socks, I suppose?”

  Thalia didn’t bring up the subject again, as they both looked over the contents in the box.

  Chapter 12

  Taffy knew she shouldn’t have run, but it was all too much. All she could think about was Seth. All that went through her mind was how he had ended his life after she had told him she loved him. Her parents had died too suddenly, and so had Seth. Everyone she loved left her. She didn’t want to feel that kind of pain again.

  She sat in the dark in her living room. The house had turned out to be gorgeous. There were only a few minor details to tend to, and at that thought she immediately thought about Jean-Michel. She would have to see him again. Things were about to become very awkward.

  Her doorbell rang. She glanced at her cell noting the time. 10:30 p.m. It could be Jean-Michel, and her heart leaped into her throat.

  She opened the door to see Monice standing there. “Monice?”

  “I know it’s late. I came around earlier, but you weren’t home. I need to talk to you, Trisha.”

  Taffy nodded her head and let Monice in. She motioned for her to go into the living room, which was the only room in the house that had furniture in it so far.

  “I want to apologize for the way I treated you when you came to see me,” Monice began to say to her. “I was wrong.”

  Taffy sat down in the chair across from her. She nodded her head. “Okay, but you didn’t need to come all the way out here to say that. Tangela has my phone number. You could have just called.”

  Monice slowly nodded her head. “I suppose I could have, but I needed to see you, Taffy. I’ve got some things to say to you about your mama and daddy.”

  “I think you said all you wanted to—”

  “No, please,” Monice said quickly. “I need to say this.” Taffy continued to stare at her, but nodded her head.

  “I need you to know why I pushed your mama away. Why I did, what I did.”

  “Yeah, I already know that. She fell in love with a white man.”

  Monice shook her head. “No, baby. That ain’t it. See, I was in the game.”

  Taffy frowned. “The game? What? You did drugs or something?”

  “No, I never did drugs. I was a hooker, girl. A prostitute.”

  “A hooker? Oh my god,” Taffy whispered the last under her breath but Monice apparently heard it.

  “Yeah, a hooker. You can close your mouth. And I was the best damn hooker in Mandeville and in Charleston. My tricks asked for me.”

  Taffy didn’t know how to react to the news of her grandmother being a prostitute. She bet other women only had to contend with news about second husbands or at worst extra unknown children. Her grandmother was a hooker. Yay.

  “I went by the name of Miss Neecie back then. It was what I did to make money for my family. My mama and daddy weren’t rich. We had the house, but that had been built by my great-granddaddy and was ours free and clear. But there was fifteen children in my family. At least earlier on there was. But after my daddy died, it got real hard on the rest of us.” Monice laughed softly. “Shit, Terence and Janelle were still alive then. They were my brother and sister that died from a bad case of the flu that was going around. It wasn’t like I woke up one day and just decided to sell my body. I was a virgin until my senior year in high school. There was this one boy I was with. He wasn’t the one I lost my V to, though.”

  “Your V. Mama used to call my virginity that.”

  Monice nodded with a smile. “Well, there was this one boy that I was with once. I liked him. He used to take me out to places and buy me things. Then this one time he asked me if I needed any money. At first I thought it was wrong and dirty to be taking his money. I had just fucked this dude, and then he wanted to give me money for it? I thought, hell no. Then I thought about my family and how that money could help us out. That was all it took. After that it was easy. But I had rules,” she said holding up a finger, and staring at Taffy sternly. “I didn’t do drugs. I didn’t have no pimp. I didn’t do nothing too kinky, and I wouldn’t do my work in anyone’s car. If they wanted to be with me, they had to take me to a hotel. And I always used a condom. They called them Durex back then.”

  Taffy sat back in the chair staring at her grandmother, as she seemed to be retelling about the glory days of prostituting. In any other respect, Monice looked like she could be in the kitchen baking cookies. That image suddenly vanished into thin air.

  “There was this one trick I had. He was nice man. Sometimes, he only wanted to talk to me. This one time he offered me five-hundred extra to not use a condom. I know it was stupid. Wayne always told me—”

  “Wait a minute. Your husband knew about what you did?”

  “Honey, I met Wayne that way. He was one of my tricks. He turned into my lover and then my husband.”

  “Did anyone else know?”

  Monice nodded. “My mother knew. She knew why, too. She just told me to be careful.”

  “Well, I guess every mother wants their child to aspire to something.”

  “Girl, don’t act like your shit don’t stink. I did what I did for the money. And the money was good. When that man offered five-hundred extra, all I could think about was what that money could do for my family. But then I got caught up.”

  “Caught up? You got some kind of disease?”

  “No, girl. I got pregnant.”

  That was the big wrecking ball she hadn’t seen coming. It slammed into her like ten tons of bricks. She knew. She knew what it meant. “Mama?” she asked.

  Monice sat silently. When she finally looked up, Taffy could see the tears she was trying to hold back. “I didn’t tell Wayne. He was half gone with cirrhosis of the liver. Wayne never met a bottle of scotch he didn’t like. He spent most of his days in the bed. I knew the baby wasn’t his. We’d stopped having relations long time before that. I knew whose baby it was. The only man I hadn’t used that damned condom with. I thought about getting it taken care of, but the more I thought about it, and the more time went by until it was too late. And then”—she stared at Taffy intently—“I held her in my arms, you know? When I held that little thing in my arms, I knew she was mine. I didn’t care who her daddy was. I was her mama.”

  “Did yo
u ever tell the father?”

  Monice shook her head. “What for? So he could tell his wife he was with a black hooker and got her pregnant? So he could what, marry me and I’d divorce Wayne and bring along my four other black children and we’d be a big ol’ happy family? I didn’t need to tell him nothing. I thought that as she got older people would know. He had features that I thought would be seen in the baby, but it never happened. Wilma just looked like any other light-skinned little black girl. She was so pretty. I could see the difference around her eyes and her facial features. Wayne never saw it, or either he did and just didn’t say anything.”

  “Who was he?’

  Monice looked as though she wasn’t about to share that bit of information with her. Then she took a deep breath, releasing it in a slow hiss between her teeth. “You got to understand he was only a client to me,” she said, before she closed her eyes for a few seconds. “His name was Granger Thibodeaux.”

  “Granger Thibodeaux? I know that name. I know, I know that name. That’s um…Oh shit!” Realization hit her in the face. “That’s Lou Pearl’s husband. Oh my god! Did Mama know?”

  “Girl, now why would I tell her something like that? No. She didn’t know nothing. So, when she came home one time and told me that she was in love with Andre Thibodeaux all I could think about was that they were brother and sister.”

  “I’m the result of incest? Oh my god! Oh my god!”

  “Taffy calm down and let me finish.” Monice said more than a little harshly. “I thought the same thing. I was so pissed at Wilma, but she didn’t know why I was so mad at her. I couldn’t tell her. I just told her that Rischardes and Thibodeauxs did not mix. I just kept bringing up that old feud to her hoping she would leave it alone. But then she told me that she was pregnant and they were getting married. I thought the baby would be born looking like some kind of monster. She asked for my blessing and I couldn’t give it. I just rolled all of that disgust and shame I had into anger. The longer it went, the harder my heart became. I didn’t hate her. She was my baby, but the path I chose in my life led her into that situation. I thought it would be best if she never came back here. Especially it there was some baby that was all messed up.”

  “You never wanted anyone to know did you?” Taffy asked.

  Monice shook her head. “The only one that might have known was Wayne. Sometimes he’d look at her in a certain way like he knew, but he never said anything to me. He died a little bit after Wilma was born, thankfully. I didn’t want him to have to stare at and raise a baby knowing it wasn’t his. I thought for a while that some of my brothers and sisters were starting to catch on. I couldn’t have Wilma back here with a baby that would show the signs of incest. But I needed to know what the baby looked like. I just needed to know. So, I went to Miss Jacinda and told her what happened. That’s when she told me. Wilma and Andre weren’t brother and sister. Lou Pearl hadn’t been with Granger since before that boy DePaul was born. By the way, he’s a result of her fucking her uncle, or so I heard. She was having an affair with a man named Davis Montrose when she’d come up pregnant with Andre. He was a real nice looking man. He had light blonde hair and nice smile.”

  “He was one of your—”

  “No, no. I’d never met him before. I’d only seen him around town and knew what Miss Jacinda told me. But the thing is Wilma and Andre weren’t related in any way. I had to know what the baby, you, looked like. She showed me a picture of you then. You didn’t have any hair.” She laughed. “But you were so pretty. That was the only picture I ever saw of you.”

  “Why didn’t you call or write them and tell them to come home then?”

  “Stupidity. I’d told too many lies and was too full of shame. She would have had too many questions that I didn’t want to answer. So, I let my shame turn into anger against her, and against Andre…And you. After a while, I’d been so turned against you all, I forgot what the truth was. I never hated your mama, baby. Never.” She started to cry softly. “My baby is gone, and I never got the chance to tell her the truth. I loved her so much and I never got the chance to tell her.”

  Taffy sat watching Monice cry softly. “Mama knew you loved her.”

  “What?”

  “She knew. She used to always say that you loved her, but were going through some troubles. That’s how she said it. Troubles. She said one day they would be over. She knew you loved her, Monice. And me. She would tell me that my Nana Mo loved me.”

  “Nana Mo. I like that. I am your Nana, baby. I was caught up in all of that anger when you came by to see me, but if you want I’d like to be your Nana Mo.”

  It was all that her mother had wanted. She’d wanted to mend the ties between them. She wanted Taffy to have that grandmother in her life. Sure most people had grandmothers that had several husbands, or had been to Woodstock and run naked through the crowd. She had a grandmother that used to be a hooker. Same thing. Kind of.

  “Yeah,” Taffy said standing up with Monice. “I’d like that.”

  Monice held out her arms and Taffy walked into to them. “Oh sweet Lord I’ve been waiting a long time to feel this. I don’t want to let you go.”

  “You don’t have to right yet. I like it, too.”

  A few minutes later, she walked with Monice to the front door. “You come by the house soon. I’m gonna make you and that Frenchman Tangela told me she saw you with in Charleston some of my peach cobbler.” Monice winked at her.

  Taffy sat on her sofa half an hour later thinking about what Monice had said to her. Bring that Frenchman Tangela had seen her with. That would require her to admit more than she was willing to admit she felt. That would require her to speak to Jean-Michel. He was to come to the house to make a few adjustments and hand her the final forms to sign. The house was finished. What lay ahead was up to her.

  Chapter 13

  The next morning she heard the sounds of the trucks coming down the driveway, as she hurriedly slipped on her other shoe and made her way downstairs.

  Jean-Michel and Austin stood by the back entrance, as she opened the door for them. “Hey, Taffy,” Austin said to her as he walked by. Jean-Michel walked in silently.

  “Hi,” she said to him.

  “’Ello,” he continued to follow behind Austin.

  “That’s it? Just hello? Are you mad at me or something?”

  Jean-Michel turned to look at her, irritation showing on his face. “Should I be mad at you, Taffy? You tell me. We had an amazing night together. At least I thought it was an amazing night, but you ran away.”

  Taffy stared down at the floor. “I’m sorry about that.”

  “Are you? Why did you run away?”

  What was she supposed to say to him? I’m afraid of what I’m feeling for you. I want to crawl inside your skin, and that scares me, too. Nothing seemed right. Nothing would come to her lips, so she stayed silent.

  “Why do we have to talk about that?” she said to him finally.

  “Because that’s what couples do, Taffy. And we are a couple. Even if you refuse to accept it, we are a couple.”

  She walked closer to where he was standing. “Do you want to stay over tonight?”

  Jean-Michel shook his head. “No, Taffy. I will not stay over for sex only to have you push what I feel for you aside. No.”

  “Ugh! What is the big thing? Why can’t we just have fun without having some complicated relationship?”

  “I am not a toy, Taffy. I am not a fuck buddy. I am thirty-four years old. I am a man that knows what he wants. I want you. I want love. I am a man that wants a family and children. I’m not trying to have a friend with benefits at my age. If that’s what you want from me, Taffy…”

  “Oh.” She was somewhat disappointed. “So unless I agree to be in some kind of relationship with you, we’re done?”

  Jean-Michel seemed to bristle at what she said. “I have never, and will never put demands on you. All that I have ever asked is that you let me feel what I feel for you. To accept what I wan
t to give to you, Taffy. My heart.”

  It felt as though her heart were about to burst from her chest. It was wrong. Everything was all wrong. She would tell him that she loved him, and then it would all be taken from her. Either he would die, or he would realize that she was right, and that love didn’t happen the way that he thought it did and he would leave. She’d kept herself protected from the pain she was sure she would feel since her parents had died. Since Seth had died. As much as she wanted to accept what Jean-Michel was offering her, her old fears wouldn’t let her.

  “I’ll talk with you later.” She glanced over at Austin, as he tried to make himself look busy, and walked away.

  He didn’t try to talk to her for the rest of the day as he worked alongside Austin. Hell, he barely looked at her. When they were finished, she thought he would come to her. She waited in the kitchen for him, but he said nothing, as he made to leave.

  “That’s it then?” she said to him. Austin left out the door leaving the two of them alone.

  Jean-Michel turned to look at her. “What is it you want from me, Taffy?”

  “Time.”

  He studied her curiously. “Time for what? Time to figure out what your heart is trying to tell you? Time to realize what you already know? I am going to do something I’m not used to doing. I’m going to be selfish. Being in love is sometimes selfish because you want that person only for yourself. I want you, Taffy. And when you have time to realize it, you’ll see that you want me, too.”

  She stood in the kitchen as he walked out the back door. Hours later she sat on her sofa in silence. He was gone. The house was finished. She had signed the final forms, and everyone had been paid. Her thoughts kept going back to what he’d said. It took some time, but she realized how asinine she’d been.

  “What the hell?” she said to herself. “This isn’t me. I don’t sit alone mooning over a man!”

  She stood and went to the window opening the drapes a little too forcefully. “I’m not some weak-ass woman that continues to mourn over the past either. You hear that, Mama! I’m done mourning! You, too, Seth! See? I said your name. Seth! Seth! Seth!” She stood in the living room yelling at the top of her lungs.