Postcards to America

by Patrick Ingle

  The older of the brothers looked at his mother sitting in the back seat. He did not want to face her wrath if they arrived late at the church.

  ‘We’ll give it five more minutes and then we’ll ring a taxi,’ he told her consolingly.

  *

  Ever since he could walk, Thomas Flavin loved horses. His father loved horses, as did his father before him. His grandfather used to be a coal merchant going from door to door selling coal. In those days, big strong horses pulled open topped wagons laden with bags of coal. Because they were vital to one’s livelihood, the horses were treated with respect. Each evening they were hosed down and fed. When his grandfather died, the coal business passed on to his father as did the horses. After a few years, lorries became more

  common in the business but horses continued to work pulling wagons for years afterwards.

  Now Thomas kept horses for pleasure and as a source of income. The family bred horses and sold the surplus that they did not need. Years ago the family purchased a fair sized piece of land a few miles distant, on which they built a small stable. It was to the stable that Thomas now walked leading a mare ripe for insemination.

  *

  What an excellent service “Punctual” Mary thought, looking at her watch. The cheerful chatter of children drew her to the window in time to see the open top coach pull up outside her house. The coachman certainly looked the part in his old style clothing laced with red colours and pieces of lace.

  Looking at herself in the mirror, she adjusted her veil for the very last time before descending the stairs to the front door.

  *

  “High” knocked forcefully at the front door of the house listed as Bobby Byrnes’ residence. The door opened a fraction and then wider as the young man assessed the officers.

  ‘We need to speak to Bobby Byrnes in relation to a case we are investigating. According to our records, this is his address. Will you please inform him that we are here?’ “Low” looked beyond the young man as he spoke.

  ‘My brother is not here,’ answered Joseph Patrick Byrnes.

  ‘Then where is he?’

  ‘I’m not sure.’

  “Low” looked directly at the young man. ‘If necessary we will get a warrant and search the house. You can save both of us trouble by answering the question.’

  Joseph Patrick did not want the house searched at this moment. There were “items” hidden in the attic that would need explaining. Better to tell them where Bobby was. What did it matter anyway? His brother would tell them nothing.

  Joseph Patrick pretended to consider for a moment. ‘Oh! Now I remember. He’s best man at a wedding taking place at noon in St. Michael’s church.’

  As they left the area and headed for the church, “Low” turned to “High” and gave an instruction, ‘Get a search warrant prepared for that house and we’ll execute it as soon as this investigation is over.’

  *

  “Punctual” Mary took her father’s arm and walked down

  the path towards the open carriage. Neighbours known since

  childhood came to wish her well and take photos as souvenirs.

  Comments such as: Isn’t the dress lovely, it must have been

  expensive and she doesn’t look pregnant, came to her ears.

  The coachman alighted from his position at the front of the

  coach and held the door open for his passengers to step aboard

  via the steps. Exactly at the moment when “Punctual” Mary

  gathered her wedding train and stepped aboard the coach, the

  horse lifted its tail and let fly with a shower of excrement. The

  excrement missed the tail of “Punctual” Mary’s wedding dress

  by inches and she climbed aboard the coach unscathed. The

  coachman was not so lucky. Hot excrement landed on one of

  his clean shoes. The coachman stood there on one leg and tried

  to shake the excrement off the dirty shoe. Not content with

  making a S**T the horse decided to make a P*SS as well. A

  stream of urine cascaded down cleaning the coachman’s shoe

  but saturating his sock. With a squelching sound and a few

  choice swear words the coachman took his place at the front of

  the coach.

  *

  Liam and the rest of the party arrived at St. Michael’s church to find the parish priest pacing up and down outside the entrance saying his daily office. When he spotted “Corner” in his clerical clothes he came over and extended a hand. “Corner” grasped the hand warmly and said ‘O’ Connor.’

  *

  ‘O’ Conner replied the parish priest in his high pitched voice.

  ‘O’ Connor,’ declared “Corner” again.

  ‘My name is O’ Connor.’

  ‘My name is O’ Connor,’ replied “Corner”.

  The parish priest began to panic and looked in Liam’s direction for help. Liam looked at his watch. The hands on the watch moved closer to midday.

  ‘What’s your parish?’ the parish priest asked. Perhaps this priest had been sent by the Bishop to check if he were competent.

  ‘This is my parish.’ This happened to be true because “Corner” actually lived in the parish.

  ‘This is my parish, I tell you,’ said the parish priest with trembling voice.

  ‘This is my parish,’ “Corner” retorted with absolute conviction.

  The parish priest intended to ask “Corner” to concelebrate the wedding but because of his suspicions decided not to extend the courtesy. Instead, he turned to Liam. ‘Time to go inside,’ a shaken parish priest announced.

  *

  ‘Straight up this road and then a right turn at the ‘T-junction’ and we’ll be at the church. We should not take more than a few minutes to get there at this pace.’ “Punctual” Mary watched as the coachman flicked the reins and kept the horse moving towards the junction.

  Within yards of the junction, the coachmen observes as a young man leading a mare, crosses from right to left and vanishes from sight. Unfortunately the horse under his control saw the mare and with a loud whinny turned left and followed. Desperately the coachman turned the reins and called the horse’s name but to no avail. Nature triumphed. The horse was not for changing direction.

  ‘Stop him! Stop him! “Punctual” Mary called to the coachman in desperation. If she did not arrive at the church in the next few minutes, she would be late for her wedding. She promised the parish priest she would be on time.

  Further, along the street Thomas Flavin led the mare at walking pace, oblivious to the potential suitor following behind.

  *

  In the church, Liam started to get worried. His bride to be never missed a deadline and he could not conceive of her being late for her wedding. He beckoned to his best man and they went outside hoping to see the carriage arriving. No carriage could be seen. When they went back inside, the parish priest came out to look and bite his nails. After the parish priest returned to the interior of the church, “Corner” came out to check, in case the previous three people who came out missed something.

  *

  Despite trying all the tricks they knew the Keating brothers could not start the stolen car. After listening to a tirade from their mother they called a cab and promised him double the fare if he got them to St. Michael’s church as quickly as possible.

  *

  ‘I’m late! I’m late! I’m late!’ “Punctual” Mary looked at her watch for the twentieth time. Her poor father sat beside her helpless and the coachman had given up trying to make the horse stop. She considered jumping from the moving coach but her dress would be ruined and she did not want to suffer injuries on her wedding day. Seeing no way out until the horse stopped she resumed biting her artificial nails.

  Suddenly the mare in front vanished from sight into a field. Against the coachman’s best wishes his horse followed. With a snort, the horse tried to mount the stationary mare. Alighting fro
m his position at the front of the carriage the coachman opened the carriage door and lifted the bride-to-be onto the grass. With the help of her father “Punctual” Mary reached the roadside and hailed a taxi.

  Nearly half an hour late, “Punctual” Mary arrived at the church. Dr. Hogan, waiting outside, rushed in and informed the organist, who had practised most of her repertoire while waiting. After one quickly snatched photograph, “Punctual” Mary walked up the aisle on her father’s arm to the sound of “Here comes the bride”.

  I’m already running very late, thought Fr. O’Connor but if I speed thing up I may get to attend part of the conference. Fr. O’Connor fretted impatiently. It seemed as if the bride-to- be would never get to the altar as she acknowledged the smiles of her friends, Diana, Jean and of course her mother.

  At last, the bride stood beside the groom and Fr. O’Connor began the service. ‘Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God…’

  Everything went smoothly until the moment when the priest said, ‘Repeat after me, with this ring I thee wed,’ and waited for the best man to hand the ring over to the groom.

  Suddenly the church door opened and “High” and “Low” stride up the aisle. Because of their demeanour, they are instantly recognised as police officers. A murmur arises from the congregation, which makes Bobby turn around. He is so surprised at seeing “High” and “Low” in the church that he drops the wedding ring. The wedding ring rolls down from the altar and is lost beneath the rows of seating.

  The parish priest casts his eyes to heaven and says a silent prayer: ‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do to me.’

  Meanwhile Bobby is down on his knees searching under the seats for the ring. Several of the congregation have also joined in the search and at intervals a hat would pop up over the top of the seats only to vanish again.

  “High” and “Low” position themselves in two seats at the top of the church and “Punctual” Mary stamps her heels impatiently. Liam stands there bemused. After all, without the ring he can do nothing.

  Eventually the ring is found and the service continues. Then the parish priest asks of Liam, ‘Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?’

  At that instant, the doors open again and the Keating family burst in.

  Again, there is a murmur from the congregation and the service stops.

  The taller of the Keating brothers strides up the aisle with his pregnant mother and brother in tow. Annie Keating is very definitely showing her pregnancy and the younger of the brothers still has the hood on his jacket pulled up. Scanning the congregation as he strides, he catches a glimpse of “Corner” O’Connor seated at the top of the church. With a bellow that could be heard blocks away he shouts, ‘O’Connor, you bastard, you got my mother pregnant and you promised to marry her. Now I’ve got you at last and I’m going to knock your block off.’

  “Corner” heard the shout. He recognised the voice as coming from his past and vaguely connected it with a woman he wanted to avoid meeting at all costs. Like a cavalry patrol under attack by superior forces he would bide his time before making a strategic withdrawal.

  The Rev. Fr. O’ Connor could not help but hear the shout. Thinking that the accusation referred to him he let out a gasp and stepped back. Looking around like a hunted animal he placed two fingers in his mouth as if he were a teenager caught after a naughty deed.

  Positioned at the front of the church, “Low” turns to ‘High” and whispers, ‘Did you hear that name? I’m sure that “yob” called the priest O’Connor. And he says that O’Connor got his mother pregnant too. We could be looking at our man in disguise here. Even if we can’t pin the Social Welfare job on him then we have him on an impersonation charge and performing an unauthorised ceremony. Things are turning out right for us after all; we’re killing two birds with one stone.’

  The Keating brothers could spot a cop at sixty paces. When “High’ and “Low” turned around to see the source of the shouting, they spotted the Keating brothers. Their eyes locked for a moment. Reacting rapidly, the taller brother caught his mother’s arm and steered her into a seat. A dozen seats ahead, he could see Sean O’ Connor.

  *

  With six months to go before retirement, Stephen Moore did not intend to change his routine. Each day on his postman’s round he dropped in to St. Michael’s church and said his prayers. He prayed for the soul of his deceased wife, his married children and for a long and happy retirement for himself. Usually there would be only a few elderly people present but today a wedding was in progress. He parked his bicycle as usual just inside the entrance, removed his peaked cap, which he placed in the mailbag with the letters remaining to be delivered, blessed himself in the presence of the Lord and knelt.

  *

  ‘Father!’ Liam tried to get the priest’s attention. Then louder: ‘Father!’ The priest shook his head as if trying to rid his mind of an unsavoury incident. He looked around frantically as if waiting for the next allegations.

  ‘The wedding…What about the wedding…?’

  ‘The wedding… Oh! Yes! The wedding…’ With a great effort Fr. O’ Connor pulled himself together. ‘Where was I?’ he asked, speaking to no one in particular.

  ‘You were asking me if I took this woman to be my lawful wedded wife,’ answered Liam helpfully.

  ‘Oh yes, that’s right. ‘Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded husband?’ Obviously, things were still not right with shocked reverend.

  ‘Wife,’ corrected Liam.

  ‘She’s not your wife yet.’ The reverend did not realise his mistake.

  ‘You said “husband” when you should have said “wife”.’ explained Liam patiently. He felt like punching the reverend to see if it would have any effect.

  ‘She’s not your wife so you can’t be her husband.’

  ‘I want to be her husband.’

  ‘Then say “I do”.’

  ‘I do.’

  The rest of the service goes smoothly and after the ceremony husband and wife walk down the aisle toward the front doors to the sound of clicking cameras and the congratulations of well-wishers. The rest of the congregation followed on behind.

  ‘Let’s go. I’ll take the bogus priest and you take Byrnes.’ “Low” follows the priest into the sacristy.

  Bobby knew that “High’ and “Low” were not at the church to further their religious education so it came as no surprise to him when “High” approached him. ‘We need to speak to you down at the station urgently, Mr. Byrnes,’ the detective said.

  ‘Can it not wait? I’m best man at this wedding and I have a speech to make.’

  ‘I’m afraid not, Mr. Byrnes. As you may be aware, there has been an attack on one of the institutions of this state. It’s incumbent on us to find the perpetrator or perpetrators as soon as possible. This is just a formality. I’m sure you will be back in time for the reception.’

  I know I will, thinks Bobby going over his foolproof alibi. To the officer he says, ‘Let me tell the groom what’s happening and also get someone to make the speech at the reception.’

  The Keating family, intent on watching “High” and Bobby, took their eyes off “Corner”.

  As soon as the officers moved, “Corner” hit the floor. Crawling along the side aisle, he headed towards the front door. His knees hurt from the hard tiles but he knew he dared not rest. He wanted to see what the Keating’s were doing but he dared not put his head above the level of the seats. On reaching the front entrance of the church he straightened up and looked for a means to escape. There, propped against the wall – as if delivered by the Great Spirit of the plains - lay a bicycle. Though not having ridden a bicycle in years he nevertheless threw his leg over the crossbar and pedalled shakily away.

  Inside the church, the Keatings noticed the disappearance of “Corner”. Accompanied by much swearing they rushed down the centre aisle, jostling and pushing aside other members of the congregation, until they reached the front d
oor. They were just in time to see the fugitive before he turned a corner and pedalled out of sight.

  “Low” knocked at the sacristy door. Hearing a cough come from inside the door and interpreting the cough as a “yes”, he opened the door and stepped inside.

  Inside the sacristy Fr. O’ Connor glanced up as the detective walked in. ‘Can I help you?’ he asked, draping a vestment on a hanger and placing the garment in a cupboard.

  “Low” produced his warrant card from an inside pocked and handed it over for the priest to look at. ‘I want you to come down to the station and answer a few questions. We are investigating a serious crime and want to eliminate as many people as possible.’

  The priest reacted as if hit by a mallet. He seemed to shrink even further into his clothes and his eyes glazed over. He found it difficult to speak. ‘I don’t know that woman. I never saw her before today. Oh! I wouldn’t…I couldn’t…’

  ‘This is not about a pregnant woman.’ “Low” tried to reassure the panicking priest.

  The priest seemed temporarily relieved but then a new concern surfaced. ‘Is this about the incident at the seminary? That happened over thirty years ago.’ His voice reached a new pitch.

  ‘This is about a car ramming at the social welfare office.’

  ‘I’ve never been in the social welfare office.’

  ‘Your name is O’Connor?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘The name O’ Connor came up on our list as a person we needed to talk to. We also needed to talk to a Bobby Byrnes and he happened to be in church today. A bit of a coincidence, don’t you think?’

  ‘If my bishop hears about this…? And I missed the conference…What if the newspapers find out…? I will have to leave the parish.’ The words tumbled from the priest.

  Such was the priest’s reaction that “Low” considered that he might have made a mistake in considering him a suspect. Then he spotted the coloured socks the priest wore. Surer of his ground now he dropped the title “Father”. ‘Let’s go, O’Connor,’ the officer of the law said.