Above the Noise

by Michelle Kemper Brownlow

  “Danny, I really am sorry about flipping out on you—”

  “No worries, Calon, Becki’s real lucky to have you.” She smiled, and I could see the sincerity and something like longing in her expression.

  I heard the lock click, and the knob started to turn. Gracie stood in the crack of the doorway in a long sleep shirt and mascara smudged under her eyes. She looked up at me and an entire conversation passed between us, even though no words were spoken. She stepped back and opened the door to let Danny and me in. I started toward her bedroom, where I knew Becki was, but Gracie grabbed my hand and silently pleaded with me to stand still. It was like exhaustion had over-taken her, and she reserved her energy to speak.

  “Danny, I called Sam, Jake’s roommate. You and I are sleeping up there tonight. Would you mind waiting in the hall for me?”

  “Not at all.” Danny looked to the floor and quietly walked back out into the hallway. She left the door open a crack, which I didn’t blame her. She was in a strange building in a strange town. She was just being safe.

  I pulled my hand from Gracie’s and wiped the make-up from under her eyes then held her face in my hands.

  “Gracie, you are scaring the hell out of me. What is going on?”

  “Calon, it’s not my place to say. But, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the way you love my best friend. She needs you more now than she’s ever needed anyone, and I’m glad she has you.” She took my hands from her face and pressed them together. “Love you, Calon.” Then she turned to meet Danny in the hallway.

  The bedroom door was closed, but the light that spilled out underneath told me Becki was awake. The four steps I took to that bedroom door took an eternity. My arm felt like it weighed a thousand pounds as I lifted it and turned the knob.

  Sweet, sleepy music was a gentle backdrop for the sadness in the eyes that met mine. The eerie but relaxed tempo helped me remember to breathe as I crossed the room and took the broken shell of a girl into my arms. Becki fell against my chest and threaded her arms under mine until they were around my waist. She was dressed in Gracie’s flannel pajamas, which swallowed her up, since she’d lost so much weight.

  I felt her tears soak through my t-shirt, but she didn’t make a sound. I took a couple staggered deep breaths then brushed her hair back off her face and kissed her on the top of her head. She squeezed me tighter, and I swore I felt part of her soul seep into mine. Something so deep troubled her at the same time it drew us even closer, yet I had no idea what she was about to tell me.

  “Becks, you’re scaring me. Talk to me.” My voice cracked, and I pressed her body into mine. My hand on her lower back rubbed in tiny circles, trying to relieve the tension I felt in her core. She remained still, saying nothing. I knew I needed to let her open up when she was ready and not press her. I just needed to be there. Having her in my arms was helping to calm my anxiety, so we just stood and held on for a while.

  Her body began to sway to the music. The tone of the song had sort of entwined itself into the vibe Becki projected as she gently moved against me. We moved in the slowest of slow dances. I focused on taking in every second. I felt every nuance of her body when she moved and breathed. I breathed her in; her scent a mix of vanilla and musk. Her hair against the underside of my chin was silky soft. I was so afraid of what she would tell me, I needed to fill myself up with everything she was before she opened up to me. Something in my gut feared she was preparing to walk away.

  She chose that moment to step back and look up at me. I wiped the tears from her cheeks and brushed away the damp hair that had matted against the cheek she’d had pressed into my chest. She laid her hands gently on my chest and took a deep breath. Her lips parted then closed a couple times before any sound was made. She finally spoke.

  “I love you.” The sound of her voice lit a nervous flutter that started in my stomach and lurched into my chest when she choked out a sob. I took her face in my hands and ducked down a little until we were eye to eye.

  “I love you, too, Becks. Whatever this is, I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me against the world, baby. Talk to me.” I searched her face for just one single emotion, but there were so many it made me gasp a shallow breath. I saw pain and fear and confusion tied together with a level of discord I couldn’t imagine. She was terrified of something.

  “Calon, I…” Her mouth continued to move, but her words stopped there. “I don’t… I can’t…”

  “Tell me. Let me help you with whatever has you so tongue-tied. I’m here. I’ll listen.”

  “Then listen…” She pointed toward Gracie’s iPhone dock where her phone was plugged in.

  Everything from that moment on moved in slow motion. When I switched my attention from Becki to the music, a wave hit me that I wasn’t prepared for.

  Natalie Merchant’s voice sang of baby blankets and baby shoes. I’d heard the song “Eat for Two” by 10,000 Maniacs more times than I could count, but its references to an unplanned life growing inside a woman wasn’t something I could connect with… until that very moment.

  “A baby?” I let out a burst of breath and then took another captive.

  A single tear fell from each of her eyes, and she nodded so slightly it was no secret she was wishing the discovery away. I couldn’t move. My hands squeezed her shoulders, my mouth gasped for air that refused to fill my lungs because too much of a brand new emotion clogged the space next to my heart, trying to make its way inside.

  “You’re… pregnant.” There was no description for the jolt my heart took when reality struck. Another shallow gasp.

  Becki searched my eyes for moments on end as I absorbed a truth she’d already had a couple hours to begin to sort out. A baby.

  “Say something.” Those two words were flung at me in a panic. She wanted a reaction I wasn’t sure I could give. My hands dropped from her shoulders to her hands, and she caught them and squeezed.

  “What can I say?” I wasn’t sure how to say what was in my mind and in my heart, because they were two completely opposing feelings. My head told me I carried the curse of a criminal for a father on top of every other male role model in my life having been abusive, and my fight or flight instinct sparred against what I knew was right. While at the same time, my heart was touched by a feeling of honor and a notion of being blessed beyond measure. There was a war between sheer panic and uninhibited elation. How do you put that into words?

  “We can’t.” When her lips spoke those two seemingly innocuous words, reality hit me at a velocity that knocked me back onto the bed we stood beside. Again her eyes searched mine for a hint of any emotion other than consternation. Again, I gave her nothing but.

  “We have to.” The words left me before I knew what I was saying.

  “What? I thought you’d be scared.” Her breath came easier now, and she spoke quickly and without hesitation. She sat down next to me and clutched both my hands in my lap.

  “Scared? I’m terrified. A baby. My—our baby. Becks, we made a baby.” The flowed easier when I stopped trying to orchestrate what I said. I stopped worrying how I could comfort her, and instead, I just spoke. “I’m not ready for this. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling.”

  “Try.” She tilted her head to the side and another tear dropped into her lap.

  “No baby asks to be born. It’s a decision that’s made without consulting the tiny soul that comes after. We did this. We created a life, and now we need to step up. No matter how scared and lost we feel, this baby wants us. This baby needs us. Our baby needs us.”

  “Calon.” Her eyes fluttered, and a meek smile pulled at the corners of her mouth.

  “Becki.” I took her face in my hands and kissed her so gently goose bumps raised over my whole body. “I love you. Absolute. In case you forgot, that means I love you purely, unconditionally, and without limits and restrictions. And it means I’ll love you while you grow our baby.” I reached out and put my hands over
her toned stomach. She gasped and laid her hands on top of mine.

  “I love you, Calon James… more than you could ever know. I’m amazed at the size of your heart and the steadfast way you live your life.” She choked past a sob. “I love you. Absolute.” She touched my cheek with her hand, sucked in the deep breath, and a peaceful smile spread across her face. “I don’t know how we are going to do this. What about the tour, the—”

  “Shh. We do this one day at a time. That’s it. Trying to take it all in, all at once is entirely too overwhelming. I believe with every fragment of my being that we can do this. I know we can. Will it be easy? Hell no. Will it be worth it? Absolutely.” I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into me. Elation paired with fear filled my soul. We had been given a life. A life. That one simple thought brought tears to my eyes. I pushed her body back, so I could see her face again. “We created a life, Becki. Life is a gift. He or she is a gift, and I promise you I will never take this responsibility lightly and you will never do this on your own. We’re a team. I’m in this with you. And nothing is going to change that, I promise.”

  “I’m so scared, Calon.” She sniffled a little, but her smile didn’t waver. “I’m not sure anything is scarier than a cancer diagnosis, but being pregnant, for me, is a similar kind of fear, because it’s something I never thought would happen to me, and it’s going to happen to my body whether I like it or not.”

  “I’m scared, too, but we’ve got each other. It’s the three of us against the world.”

  “Three. Wow. What did we do, rock star?” She shook her head and buried her face into my neck.

  “We made a family, Becki.” I squeezed her and dropped to my knees in front of her and parted her legs, so I could inch closer and be face to face with the place that held our little miracle. “And you, little one…” I put my hands on Becki’s belly, and she covered my hands with hers, “you shocked the hell—I mean, heck, out of me. So, listen, I know we’ve only known each other for a very short time, but every one of those minutes, I’ve loved you, absolute.”

  “Calon?”

  “Yeah, babe?” I looked up into the face I was convinced was the most beautiful I’d ever see. She was glowing. Her eyes were deep pools of various emotions, but the biggest one was love. It was the love that overflowed.

  “Make love to me.”

  I stood and pulled her up with me. I took my phone from my pocket and poked at the screen then put my phone on the dock in place of hers. I turned up the volume a bit so she could hear every word of the song as I made sweet love to her.

  Acoustic guitar and piano flooded the room in a smooth melody then the voices of Glen Hansard and Eddie Vedder joined in singing Bruce Springsteen’s “Drive All Night”. It was perfect for the moment.

  “I love this song.” She looked up at me and smiled.

  I unbuttoned the three oversized buttons on the flannel pajama top she wore, and it slid from her arms and onto the floor. She took the bottom of my t-shirt and pulled it up over my head and let it fall. I hooked my fingers inside the elastic band of her bottoms and pushed them down until they joined the rest of our clothes on the floor. I undid my jeans, and she pushed them to the floor as well. I stepped out of them and then went to my knees one more time. I splayed my hands across her tiny belly and kissed a spot right next to her bellybutton.

  “Close your eyes, baby. I’m going to make love to your mommy.”

  Glen and Eddie sang of the heat of the night, shivers down their spine, and holding someone tight. If there was a soundtrack for the last hour of our lives, it would be that song. I stood and pulled Becki’s warm body against mine. We swayed like we had when I first entered Gracie’s room, but this time there was no hesitation, no secrets. I softly sang a couple verses of the song to her as my hands drifted across her back, down her hips, and back up under her arms. When I took her breasts in my hands, she tipped her head back, eyes closed, and her lips parted. My mouth crashed into hers, and our tongues intertwined slowly and softly with deep passion and something that stole my breath.

  I slowly laid her down on the bed, and I climbed on with her, carefully hovering over her body. I dipped down and rubbed noses with her then kissed my way down her neck and over her breasts. I rolled to the side and touched her belly again then slid my hand down between her thighs, right to where I knew she wanted me the most.

  “Becki, you’re wet for me.”

  “All for you.” She pushed my shoulders back. The pillows stacked behind me kept me in an almost upright position. She straddled me, and the warmth between her legs rested on my dick. She moved her hips and guided herself toward me then away, sliding along my length. I held onto her hips, allowing her to move to the rhythm she needed.

  Her breasts were full and hung in front of me, taunting me. She’d been feeling bad for so long, we hadn’t been intimate. I guess I hadn’t noticed their growth, but the way they moved as she slid around on me drove me insane. I took one in my hand and directed her breast toward my mouth. My tongue circled her taut nipple, causing her to moan my name. Then in one smooth move, she slid up to my belly, and tipped her ass in the air, letting my tip slip right inside her. She gasped a little then pressed herself back toward her heels slowly until I filled her completely.

  “Oh God, Calon, it feels so good.”

  With my hands on her hips, she started to move faster and harder. Her breasts bounced, and it was all I could do to hold on just a little longer so we could come together. She pressed her hands into the pillows on either side of me, her hair hung all around her face, her eyes rolled back, and her lashes fluttered. She was close.

  “Slow, Becki. Go slow.”

  She rode me with the same inaudible cadence, but her motions were more staccato than they had been. She slid herself forward slowly then forced me back inside her with a sharp motion. The sensation was unbelievably intense. Her mouth opened, and my toes curled. Every muscle in my legs tensed as a means to control the onslaught that was about to hit us.

  “Calon, I’m gonna come. Calon!” When she called out my name, her hands moved to my abs, and I watched her body. Her fingernails dug into me, her breasts bounced, she began to breathe through clenched teeth, and then her head fell forward, and she made a raw guttural sound that sent me over the edge.

  “God, Becki, yeah. Come, baby. Come!” I couldn’t control anything anymore. My body was wracked with an intensity that had me gripping her hips and bucking mine. She continued to ride me hard, and I could feel her squeeze me as she worked through the first wave of orgasm with me. The second wave hit close behind with a magnitude that I was sure would launch us from the bed. She fell forward, and I used my arms to press her as tightly into me as I could. She continued to rock against me, using my body to massage the tiny nub that could work her into a state of abandon.

  Together we surrendered to the intensity and both came hard once again. I opened my hands across the small of her back and slowed her rhythm as she pushed herself back up to a sitting position. Her body shook, and her breathing was staggered.

  Her face was framed beautifully with her damp golden-brown hair. As she tried to catch her breath, her eyes shined. She slid herself off me, falling to my side. I pulled the blanket that was partially under us up over us, and we fell into our typical sleep position. Her legs entwined with mine, her head against my chest, and our arms wrapped around each other. Our breathing slowed and exhaustion set in. Just before I let sleep take over, she spoke.

  “Calon James, you’re my dream come true. Never in a million years did I think I’d find the unconditional love you’ve shown me. Thank you for loving me the way you do. And thank you for not running tonight.”

  “Becki Jane, you’re stuck with me. Always and forever. We are a team tied together by something so small yet so large at the same time. This is it. You are it. And, just so we’re clear, you don’t ever need to thank me for something that my heart just does naturally. I will always love you.”

  “Calon?”


  “Yeah?”

  “Gracie’s going to kill us for doing it on her bed.”

  We had a good, cleansing laugh then fell asleep with nothing between us except love.

  True love.

  THE FALL BROUGHT a bountiful harvest, which was the perfect time to be eating for two. I’d visited the doctor before we left Knoxville and got the low down on nutrition for vegetarian moms-to-be along with a prescription for prenatal vitamins with extra iron for our growing babe. Bones, Manny, and Spider were completely freaked out by the news of the baby, but warmed up to it eventually.

  Danny and I had the guys set up with gigs, some back to back, throughout November. We enjoyed a small, familial Thanksgiving, just the six of us, at the hotel restaurant. I wasn’t sure why Danny didn’t go home to her family in Texas, but I didn’t ask. It was nice to just enjoy each other the day. Right after dinner, we hit the road again to make it to a Black Friday midnight madness concert in Vegas. The guys were making it. They’d flown to New York for a live performance and interviews on MTV and the Today Show. The guys even brought back a tiny little ‘I want my MTV’ onesie for the baby.

  Danny’s assistance was immeasurable. She was really talented and had ideas that were kind of off the beaten path. Creative marketing was definitely her thing. We worked like a tag team. When exhaustion hit me, I’d turn the controls over to her, and she’d run with it.

  Once December hit, my sick days waned, and I was taken over by a new level of energy. It was a little like being on speed, I assumed. Never touched the stuff, so I didn’t know for sure, but I could get a million things done in one day. However, the nights out behind the merchandise table with blaring music and large, insistent crowds had become long and daunting. The guys had padded their bank account even with mine and Danny’s decent salaries, so they decided they would take a month long break in Knoxville between Christmas and the end of January. That way we were home for the holidays. I was thrilled, although I had to wonder if it wasn’t Calon’s idea and one more way to be sure I would rest.