Heavenly Desire

by J. L. Sheppard

  Landon shook his head. “You didn’t break her. She just expresses herself differently.”

  “All I know is how it makes me feel—worthless.”

  “You know she’s yours right?” Lucas asked out of the blue.

  At his words, Clyde’s heart jolted in his chest. “That’s—”

  “Don’t even try to deny it.” Landon cut him off. “You compared how our mates make us feel to how Ashley makes you feel.”

  Can’t deny that, he thought then shook his head in denial. “She’s not mine,” he whispered.

  “So if she isn’t yours then why do you care how she feels? How is it that she has the power to make you feel worthless?” Lucas probed.

  “I’m an angel, remember? Angels don’t mate.”

  “You are an angel and angels don’t mate, but she’s yours.” Lucas shrugged. “Congrats and welcome to the family.”

  “You’re both insane,” Clyde said, internally acknowledging maybe he was the crazy one. He was an angel, yet he felt deeply and truly for Ashley. He shouldn’t, but he couldn’t thwart the emotions she spawned.

  “No, we aren’t. You told me less than three months ago that finding my mate had left me unsettled, and I was being too impulsive because of it. You don’t think you’re acting the same way?” Landon asked.

  He stiffened. “How so?”

  “Yesterday, you jumped down Benjamin’s throat for asking who Ashley was, which was a reasonable question. No one knew she went by her middle name. And you just blurted that you’ve been spying on her. Did you really think she would take that well?” Landon asked incredulously.

  “That’s not what I blurted. I said it’s not the first time I had done it,” he corrected.

  “Which led to the same result, Ashley upset,” Lucas pointed out.

  They made valid points, but it didn’t change the fact he was an angel. That meant Ashley wasn’t his, so he changed the subject. “By the way, when I said act nonchalant, I meant act as you usually do, not ignore your mates. If you would have greeted them as you usually do, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.”

  “What’s done is done, and Ashley is yours,” Lucas said.

  Clyde wished she was. He prayed she was, but she wasn’t. With that longing inside him, he said, “She’s not mine.”

  “Do you dream about her?” Landon asked.

  Lifting his brows, he asked, “What does that have anything to do with it?”

  Lucas’s gaze darted away from him. He had a lost look about him before he admitted somberly, “I dreamt of Jenna centuries before she was even born.”

  “I dreamt of Jocelyn, you know that. You starred in one of my dreams. Don’t you remember?”

  Clyde remembered. It had been a hint from above for Landon to seek him out. He knew Jocelyn was in fact his and had known for months. The Lords had asked him to knock sense into Landon.

  “It’s different.”

  “Oh, yeah. How so?” Lucas asked.

  “I can’t read her.”

  They stared at him with befuddled expressions, uncomprehending his logical rationale.

  “Angels can read people. Not just thoughts, we can reach into their minds and find every thought, find out everything that has happened to them, everything…”

  “And you think because you can’t read her, you dream of her?” Lucas surmised, his brows drawn.

  “Yeah.”

  “Just remember this, Lucas dreamt of Jenna, I dreamt of Jocelyn and now you’re dreaming of Ashley. It’s not a coincidence.”

  “It’s irrelevant. You dreamt of Jocelyn because you were denying her.”

  “That’s what you’re doing with Ashley,” Landon pointed out, matter of fact.

  Hearing those words felt like he’d taken a bullet or several dozen. No, it was like he’d been skinned alive and burned. He felt the pallor drain from his face. Even so, he held Landon’s gaze silently convincing himself if Ashley was his, he would’ve known from the minute he laid eyes on her. He would’ve never denied his gift.

  Chapter 11

  It’s my job. His words replayed in her mind. That’s all she was to him—a job. She shouldn’t be upset. He’d been honest, told her he was her guardian, told her he couldn’t mate. Despite all of it, she wanted him to be hers. She hadn’t believed Jenna and Jocelyn when they’d said he was hers. Still hearing them repeatedly say it had given her hope, hope that he was.

  All of that hope came crashing down on her when he uttered the words: it’s my job, not “I worry about you,” not “I care about you.”

  He’d said she was his job.

  Despite the fact he was her guardian, that he couldn’t mate, and that she was his job, she couldn’t control how she felt. Nothing would blow out the flame that lit inside her the moment she met him. He had come into her life and would soon leave, and she would be broken.

  “Ash,” Jenna said, softly. “It’s okay.”

  “Boys will be boys, sometimes they don’t have boundaries,” Jocelyn added.

  “It’s sad, but true. Don’t get too down on yourself. He’ll come and apologize.”

  “I give him five minutes.”

  “It’s not that,” she said, plopping on the couch in her room. “I know he did it to protect me. It doesn’t really bother me.”

  “It doesn’t?” Jenna asked, apparently in disbelief.

  “My, my, what will the two of you fight about then?” Jocelyn jested.

  “It doesn’t bother me at all. I mean because of his spying he saved me from Asher, so I can’t really be mad, right?”

  “Then why are you upset?”

  Ashley shook her head, unwilling to say her reason aloud because she felt, to her sisters, it may seem insignificant. Because the fact was she wasn’t his and she knew she shouldn’t care she was just his job, but she did.

  “Come on, tell us,” Jenna urged.

  Releasing a breath, she admitted, “He said ‘it’s my job.’” The moment she said it her eyes welled with tears, and she fought them back.

  Jenna took a seat beside her and wrapped her arm around her shoulder. “He didn’t mean it like that. He cares about you, Ash. It’s obvious to everyone. He’s possessive and overprotective. He consoles you all the time.”

  “You know sometimes they just blurt things out without realizing how it sounds,” Jocelyn added. “Landon does it to this day.”

  “That’s true. They are a different species. I bet you he didn’t even realize what upset you.”

  “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” A tear slid down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away.

  “Yes, it is. They don’t think like we do. He probably thinks you’re upset about the spying, not his choice of words.”

  “I guess you’re right,” she admitted reluctantly.

  A knock on her bedroom door startled her. She hadn’t heard anyone coming, which meant he’d probably shifted to spirit form making her wonder how much he had heard.

  Jocelyn checked her watch then said, “Ah, with two minutes to spare.”

  “Do you want to talk to him?” Jenna asked.

  “I guess,” Ashley said, wiping her face.

  The door opened, and Clyde entered. His face was anguished, his eyes bleak.

  Jenna and Jocelyn advised her they’d be in the living room and left.

  He waited until they were gone before he spoke. “Ash, I’m really sorry, but you have to understand. I needed to keep you safe.”

  “It’s fine.”

  His expression softened, and he hesitantly took a step toward her. His eyes never left hers. When she didn’t move farther from him, he took another step closer.

  “I’m really sorry for following you. It wasn’t my intention to—”

  “It’s fine, Clyde. I wasn’t upset because you followed me.” Immediately, she wanted to take back her words knowing he’d ask next what she didn’t want to reveal.

  “Why then?”

  Her eyes drifted away from him, and she stood. “I h
ave to get ready.”

  “For?”

  “I’m making dinner with Cain.”

  He tensed, fisting his hands at his sides. “Fine,” he said through clenched teeth. After a moment, he exhaled then asked, “Why were you upset?”

  “Why are you mad, Clyde?” She desperately wanted to know. Was he jealous of Cain or was he frustrated she wouldn’t share what had upset her?

  “I asked first.” His tone firm.

  “I don’t have time for this,” she replied then turned and gasped when she found Clyde blocking her way.

  “Tell me, please,” he beseeched.

  “No,” she said softly, knowing the more he asked, the quicker she’d lose the will to keep the truth from him.

  “If you don’t tell me, I won’t know how to avoid upsetting you,” he pointed out.

  “Does it really matter?” she asked, irritated he wouldn’t let it go. He didn’t need to know how much she cared. He wasn’t her mate, so he shouldn’t care.

  “Yes, it does,” he said, adamantly.

  “No, it doesn’t. Besides, there might not be a next time.”

  His brows drew together, then he shot back, “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “You know what it means. It means you’re leaving. And FYI, you shouldn’t care because I’m not your mate,” she blurted.

  His face contorted in anguish. His eyes stark with pain, a deep hurt she felt slicing inside her.

  She’d wounded him, but it hadn’t been her intent. In the seconds that passed, guilt and remorse overwhelmed her. The will to keep the truth from him vanished.

  “I’m sorry. I…” Her words faded. She took a deep breath then said, “I was mad because…because you said…”

  “I said what?” he asked softly.

  “You spoke the truth. It’s your job to keep me safe.”

  “Yeah, I did, but that can’t be the reason.”

  “It is,” she said then watched a look of confusion muddle the pain streaking his expression. “I’m your job, Clyde…nothing more,” she whispered.

  Recognition lit his expression. Helplessly, tears welled in her eyes. She turned away from him before they could fall. Swiftly, he grabbed her elbow, turned her toward him. Wrapping an arm around her waist, he pressed her against the length of his body. She molded perfectly against him.

  All she felt was him.

  All she smelled was his heady masculine scent.

  All she heard was her wildly thumping heart.

  All she thought about was him, Clyde and nothing else, as desire swelled inside her and spilled around her.

  She lifted her face to meet his bright blue gaze. It enveloped her as it had so many times before as if she were the only person in the world. Only she existed.

  Her eyes shifted to his full lips, centimeters from her own, knowing all she wanted at that moment was a single kiss.

  She blushed like a schoolgirl and forced herself to meet his eyes. As suddenly as he’d grasped her, he placed his hand on the back of her neck and pulled her head toward his until their lips met.

  Powerless beneath his touch and unwilling to resist her desires, she didn’t fight. She returned his tender kiss.

  He parted his mouth as hers did, and their tongues met in the middle, entwining tenderly, perfectly devouring her mind, body and spirit.

  He pressed against her more firmly. She felt the length of his need against her stomach as he deepened the kiss and explored her mouth further. She moaned against his lips, then wrapped her arms around him attempting to pull him closer.

  The tender kiss grew intense. He hungrily stroked his tongue against hers, taunting her with need for more. Her fingers clutched him, enjoying the feel of his muscles beneath her hands and relishing his touch as he ran his hand up and down her back, spreading shivers through her and pooling liquid between her thighs.

  Ashley loved the feel of him as his body grazed hers, and she loved the taste of him as his tongue lapped against hers. She didn’t want to let go. She didn’t want him to let her go, yet he did. He tensed and pulled away quickly leaving her bereft, gasping for breath and aching without his touch.

  Her lids slid open, her eyes settled on his face only millimeters from hers, his expression revealing nothing.

  Fear crawling up her spine, her stomach knotted with the thought he could possibly regret their moment of insanity.

  She took a step away, retreating then said, “I…I have to get ready.” She fled to the bathroom and shut the door before he could utter a word.

  If he regretted their kiss, she didn’t want to know because it was the best kiss she’d ever had.

  ****

  Helplessly, Clyde watched her leave, battling with the urge to chase after her and kiss her again as he so urgently desired. His muscles clenched and tightened willing his body to listen to his mind.

  His thoughts in a flurry from their kiss, a kiss so magnificent, enthralling, captivating and passionate he had grown hard with carnal desire for her. For the first time in two thousand years, he knew what it felt like to physically desire a woman, to crave her in his bed, making her moan in pleasure.

  All he’d wanted was a kiss. Now he wanted more. He’d been a fool to think one kiss would be enough. Her lips against his had irreversibly altered him, had seared her into him, and he knew he would never forget it despite the fact he was an angel, and she had a mate.

  She has a mate! Remorse overwhelmed him. He hated himself for what he had done. She belonged to another, an immortal she’d met—not him. But he couldn’t help himself. He hadn’t been in control of his body. His heart acted on his behalf, and it was a kiss his heart desired.

  He wasn’t hers, and she wasn’t his. The knowledge of it hurt more than anything because he wanted her. He acknowledged that he’d wanted her from the first moment he had laid eyes on her. But he was an angel, and angels didn’t mate.

  She should be mine, he thought. I could care for her better. I could keep her safe. I would never hurt her. I would love her.

  The thought startled him: love. Could he really love her? Yes, he could. He feared if he didn’t already, he could love her, and she would love him, too. Maybe not immediately, but in time, he hoped she could. He knew she cared. Why else would she let him kiss her, hold her, care for her?

  But thinking and praying for what he wanted most, her, wouldn’t change the facts. He couldn’t lead her on, couldn’t allow his desire to foolishly guide him. He had to do what was right.

  The kiss had been wrong, he knew, yet still it felt so right.

  ****

  Ashley showered quickly, dried herself then donned a long robe. Opening the door leading into her room, she spotted Clyde, standing in the exact spot where she’d left him. Once her eyes met his, she immediately closed the door.

  “Ash?”

  She barely heard his words over the pounding of her heart. Glancing at herself in the mirror, she ensured none of her scars were visible then let out a sigh of relief.

  “What?”

  “Can you, please, come out? We…need to talk.”

  “I’m not dressed.”

  “Yes, you are,” he contradicted.

  She opened the door.

  “Hey,” he said, his tone somber. “I’m sorry about the kiss. I know you don’t…I know you belong to someone else, and I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

  According to you I do, she thought then said, “Clyde, it’s fine.”

  He chuckled, but there was no humor in the sound. Running his hand through his hair, he said, “I’m starting to hate it when you say that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because from my experience it means you aren’t fine.”

  Despite her solemn mood, she smiled. “I’ll start using a new word then. How do you like ‘okay?’”

  His shoulders relaxed, partially defusing his stiffness. “Fine.”

  ****

  After Clyde left, Ashley headed toward the kitchen to meet Cain. When she entered, she w
as awed. A chef’s dream with dark wood cabinets, an island, marble countertops, two gas stoves, two ovens, industrial-sized refrigerator and a large pantry at the end stocked to the brim.

  “Wow,” she mumbled.

  “Go big or go home right?” a voice said from behind her.

  She turned and spotted Cain standing a couple of feet away from her. He seemed as light-hearted as he had been last night and that morning.

  “Hi.” She smiled.

  “Hey, so what’s on the lesson plan for today?” he asked flashing her a smile.

  “I was thinking…” She looked away from him. Honestly, she hadn’t really thought about it. All her thoughts had been occupied with Clyde and then the kiss they shared. “Ashley?”

  Her eyes met his.

  “You all right?”

  “Oh, yeah, sorry…I just haven’t really thought about it. Do you have a preference? Or I guess maybe we should check the fridge first, see what we have?”

  “Trust me…” He flashed a million dollar smile. “We have everything here.”

  “What’s your favorite then? We can make that.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest. “I love me a good medium steak.”

  “Great. We can make filet mignon. Do you know how to make béarnaise sauce?”

  “I’ve tried before,” he shrugged. “It was okay.”

  “And we can make some mashed potatoes as a side dish or maybe mac and cheese.”

  “Mac and cheese,” he said immediately.

  She asked Cain to gather the ingredients as she filled a pot with water then placed it on the stove.

  “What time do you guys usually eat?”

  “Around six. Around ten we go hunt.”

  “Hunt?” she asked.

  “Yeah, we patrol for Malums.”

  That was a surprise. “Really, here in New York?”

  “Yeah, but don’t worry about that. You’ll be perfectly safe here,” he assured.

  “But isn’t it dangerous?”

  “Yeah, but we’re trained and we go together so—”

  “Does Clyde go?” she interrupted and asked before she could stop herself.

  He held her gaze as if knowing she needed assurance. “No.”

  She felt her shoulders relax then she set a sauce pan on the stove to make the béarnaise sauce. Instructing Cain how to make the béarnaise reduction, she then placed the elbow macaroni in the boiling pot and stirred.