by Cree Storm
Was Deja right? Was he walking around not truly living a life, but just existing in a world that had only ever brought him pain and rejection?
“In your head, they’re still fighting. With their tanks, and their bombs, and their guns, and their drones. In your head, in your head they are dying…”
Shadow could see himself throughout the years in one war and another, laughing with a fellow soldier and friend, and the next, seeing them lying on the ground surrounded by blood and dirt, and their eyes staring, but not seeing… the images kept coming one after another, and Shadow could feel his lungs burning.
“Shadow, are you alright?” Wade asked in concern, as Shadow felt his Commander’s arm wrap around his shoulders
Shadow couldn’t answer. The images kept coming to him one after the other. His father standing over him and giving Shadow what the man thought was his final death blow. Then his adopted father pointing away from his home, telling him he was meant for another journey. Next were the faces of friends laughing and living, followed by each and every one dead, and blood around them and on Shadow covering him like body paint.
He was going to be sick. He had to get the fuck out of here.
Shadow felt hands on him, surrounding him… whispering, “It’s okay, buddy. I’ve got you. Come on.”
“It’s the same old theme in 2018, in your head, in your head, they are dying…”
“Snake, you and Six take him home, we’ll meet you there,” Wade stated.
How were they there? They were down below in front of the stage, but now they were here beside him. Shadow couldn’t catch his breath as his chest tightened more. Gods, he was going to pass out. The images kept coming one after another, faster and faster. He felt cool air, but he had no idea where he was or who he was with. He couldn’t see past all the faces… all the blood.
It all became too much as Shadow dropped to his knees, grabbed his head with both hands and began screaming. “Stop!”
CHAPTER 9
Deja dropped the mic then took the last few steps to the edge of the stage and jumped off. He needed to get to his mate. He had seen the horror and turmoil rolling around in Shadow’s eyes as he sang and realized the man was reliving his past. The PTSD he knew Shadow was suffering from had gripped hold and his mate was in great pain.
He watched as Wade and the others rushed up the stairs into the balcony and were at Shadow’s side within seconds, catching him as his mate’s legs seemed to give out from under him. Deja had stopped singing and stared in horror as they pulled Shadow down the stairs and headed toward the door.
As he hit the floor, Deja immediately started running after them, but came up short as a crowd began to form around him and he started to panic. “Stop! I need to get to him! Let me go!”
Suddenly he was lifted off his feet by strong arms and Deja went to punch at whoever was holding him, when he turned and saw that it was his brother Lon, and he stopped fighting. A loud commotion caught his attention and Deja turned his head to find Casius, Asbuth, Ozcog, and Suneth, moving people out of their way, clearing a path to the front door.
They flung the doors open and the cool night air hit him, sending a chill through Deja. Lon placed him on his feet and they all spread out looking around the parking lot, but Shadow and the others were already gone.
* * * *
Someone pushed the door to his room open hard and it banged against the wall, but Shadow couldn’t give a crap in that moment. Too many memories kept flooding his brain and he could barely breathe.
He was moved across the room, then placed on his bed. Shadow sat, and the hands that held him slowly moved away. Deja’s voice began to ring in his brain, the words causing more visions. “What’s in your head? In your head? Zombie…”
That’s what he had become, a zombie. He was walking, talking, functioning, breathing, but he was dead inside. Too many people had thrown him away or left him. The continued pain and hopelessness caused by all those who came and went throughout his life had made him the unfeeling man he was now. He kept everything bottled up and close, under control, so it wouldn’t push him down, crushing him under its weight.
Through the years he had found it easier and easier to just push everything deep down, lock it up and forget about it. It was safer. He was safer. If he didn’t let any of it bother him, then he could keep going, he could continue to do his job, live his life, but had he really been living?
How long ago had it been since he stopped feeling? Stopped letting anyone get close to him? Fifty years? Sixty? He didn’t know. It had been so long ago, he had forgotten. But then Wade and the guys came into his life.
At first, he kept his defenses up, kept those walls around him, knowing that at any minute, any one of them could be ripped from his life like so many others, so he had kept them at arm’s length. Hell, he had kept them at the length of a football field. But slowly, Wade, Six, Flyer, Bull, Rory, Savage, and Snake had whittled their way in.
They showed him that he could count on them, that they were there for him, and would always fight to keep being there for him, and one another. These men had his back since the moment their team had been formed and here they were, still by his side.
Slowly the guys all moved back and stepped out of the room, all but Snake. His best friend, the only person he had let get close to him in almost two hundred years, sat beside him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Shadow leaned heavily against his friend, his brother, and let the visions come. He didn’t fight them like he normally would have done, tamping them down into their box again. No, this time with the words his mate sang right to him swirling around in his head, Shadow allowed the memories from his past to take over and consume him. And the whole time, Snake sat silently at his side, keeping him safe.
Shadow had no idea how long it had been, but he felt drained. He couldn’t ever remember feeling this tired. What they used to call bone tired. His whole body felt numb, like he was looking at everything through a thick glass that was clouded over, but there were no feelings, no pain, just… nothing.
He could feel his eyes becoming heavy and Shadow didn’t fight it when they closed. A shift of his weight caught his attention, but he went with it. He was being moved, laid down, his head on a pillow, then a blanket was draped over his form from chin to toes, and Shadow welcomed the darkness as it engulfed him.
* * * *
Red. A blanket of crimson-red flowed like waves beating against the shore. The water churned, turbulent, angry, as it grew larger and thickened. He drew in a deep breath, but no air filled his lungs. The dense molasses-like liquid entered his mouth, sliding down his throat and he fought against it. Drowning. Falling deeper. Drowning. Losing himself in the pit of blood and death. He screamed, but made no sound. Shadow thrashed against the current, trying with all his strength to get back to the top where he could breathe again. Where he could feel the warmth of the sun against his skin, but there was no warmth, there never was. Just a cold, gray existence. Every day the same.
Eyes, dull and lifeless, stared back at him and Shadow’s heart squeezed, the band around his chest tightened. Eyes that once looked at him with friendship and brotherhood now shone no light or life within. More eyes surrounded the first. Each holding the same emptiness, the same… nothingness. Angry eyes, flashed at him, then widened before they too dulled, the life draining as he watched. Then another and another.
Faces of the many lives he had taken over his lifetime, flashed before his eyes, then morphed to those he once called friend. One by one they fell, and their eyes joined the ranks of the dead. And Shadow watched.
Red. Swirling, raging, tempestuous rivers of blood, pressing against him, trying to drag him under. Shadow kicked his feet and reached as far and as hard as he could, with his hands, grabbing for anything he could hold onto to help get his head above the surface.
Angry, disgusted eyes flicked open before him, and Shadow screamed as he flinched back, trying to get away. His father’s face began to grow around t
hose eyes. Once the face was whole, it started to morph and change. A scene sprang up around the image, a time of joy.
His parents had been brought to the New World long ago on a foreign ship, brought to the home of a well-to-do man and put to work in his fields. Many of their color were sold or taken against their will and forced to leave their Motherland. Some died on the ships as they made their journey, but most arrived on the strange shores. His parents spent many years serving others, as slaves to a cruel master, then traded to another, then another.
Years flew by, day in and day out the same, until others of their kind arrived. Other paranormals, panther shifters from their old village. Twenty in all decided they had suffered enough, and under the cover of night, away from others’ eyes, they all shifted, escaping their bonds.
They stayed in their animal forms for months as they moved further and further away from the ones who would control them. After nearly a year of searching, they came upon a place they could settle, away from the eyes of the rest of the world, and that was where his father’s pride began.
About fifteen years later he was born. The year was 1818 and he was the firstborn to the leader of their pride. The pride that would one day be handed down to him. Raised to take over some day and lead his people, keeping them away from the outside world. A brother, Blake, five years younger, had become his best friend. They had many adventures growing up. Lots of laughs, love, and good times.
Yes, there had been others in the pride his own age, but Shadow learned quickly that most only wanted to be by his side because of who he was to become, so he kept them at arm’s length. Only Blake was truly his friend, not caring about his future position and loving him as the older brother he was.
The visions changed. Flashes of images of him and Blake growing. Their parents’ guidance and love. Then, there was another. A new boy to their pride, one who smiled at Shadow, showing interest, and making something inside him come to life.
Many nights they snuck away to spend time together without the prying eyes of others. Touches, soft, gentle, tender. Lips, loving and wanton. He could see it all, the moments of their secret rendezvous.
Red. Rage. Blood. It splashed against the beauty of his memories, tainting them forever. Large hands, hurting, tearing, pulling at him until he screamed, begging the gods above for death. Confusion. Why? What was happening? His father’s eyes. No warmth. No kindness. No love. Only anger. Disgust. Fury. Hatred.
He was alone. Lost, hurt, bloody… broken. Shadow struggled to get to his feet, but the pain exploded within him, taking his breath away as he crumbled back to the ground.
Gentle, soothing hands on his shoulder. A friendly face showing concern and warmth. He trusted those eyes. Eyes filled with love and compassion. Eyes that belonged to a man who found him, brought him to his home, and healed him. This man spent days taking care of him and caring for him. He opened his home to Shadow, inviting him to stay.
He found himself in a tribe of Native Americans in a small hidden-away village just like the one he had once called home. At first, they were cautious of him, but soon accepted him, teaching Shadow of their ways. He learned to hunt in a different manner than his pride had, learning to use the shadows to his advantage and walk softly. Unlike the panther that he was, who would hunt in packs and pounce on their prey, the Native people taught him how to be patient, watchful. How to be observant and use his surroundings to his advantage to take down his prey, no matter the size, by himself.
He spent many years with them and finally called them his family, until the day they weren’t anymore. The man who had saved him, become his mentor, a father figure, told him his time had come and he needed to go out into the world on his own. When Shadow tried to object, he was silenced and only told his life had another path that he must follow. He had much to do with his life. He had left immediately, thrown out again by those who claimed to care for him, love him.
He was now on his own, but not for long. One day as he walked through a small town in Virginia, he heard a man, standing on a box, talking about the war and how any black man willing to join the Union Army would be paid wages, given an allowance for clothes, and meals.
Shadow had heard some of the tribesmen talking about the white man’s war, and how the ones from the north were fighting against the ones in the south, to free the people of color. He didn’t know much of what they were talking about, but he was hungry, tired, and alone.
That was the day he enlisted for the first time, becoming one of the few colored in the Union Army. At the time he really didn’t have an opinion one way or the other. Shadow understood what the war was about and why it was the right thing to do, but he had already begun his fall into himself and the numbness that would help him survive.
After that, the years seemed to flash by. After the war was over, he found himself alone again and not knowing what to do or where to go. He was offered to stay in the ranks to fight against the Indians in the American Indian War, but Shadow couldn’t do that. Even though he was tossed aside, he still considered them family and would never betray them or take up arms against them.
He traveled around for a few years, then one day overheard a conversation about a war overseas. Memories of the time he spent fighting shoulder to shoulder with men of both colors came back to him, and Shadow knew that it was where he needed to be, even though it was in foreign lands. So he made his way to France, stowing away on a ship, and joined in the fight of the Franco-Prussian War. He didn’t particularly care which side he fought for, he just wanted to fight. To have somewhere to belong, be useful, as well as gain some pay and have three meals a day.
This was how his life as a soldier began. And the beginning of many losses, sadness, numbness.
The visions swirled before him, choking him once more, as the blood flowed heavier around him, but Shadow didn’t fight them this time. He let them come and stared into the eyes of every one of the men who came and went from his life.
Bursts of gunfire rang out, the sound deafening. Shadow jerked, looking around for its source. Wade stood tall and proud in the middle of a deserted street. His brothers cautiously walking beside him, their guns held out and ready, as they swept the blown-out buildings. Something clicked under his foot and Shadow froze. As he looked up, he caught his Commander’s eyes.
Wade turned, fully in control, and strode to his side, but took the last few steps cautiously. Looking down, they both spotted the edge of what appeared to be a landmine peeking out from under the rubble that Shadow now stood upon.
Wade looked up and met his gaze, then turned to Snake and nodded. His fellow soldier moved closer as he carefully placed his weapon on the ground. “On three,” Wade said.
Shadow wasn’t sure exactly what he was about to do, but Wade never said one or two, he just called out, “Three!” and instantly, Snake ran at him from the side at top speed, wrapped his arms around Shadow, and letting the momentum take them, they flew a few feet away, then crashed to the ground.
After a few moments, Snake rolled off him as they both sat up and Shadow looked to where he had been standing, surprised not to hear the expected explosion, but stunned to find his Commander now standing in the very spot he had been in only minutes ago. Shadow’s eyes widened, worried about Wade now being in danger of being blown to bits, but a chuckle from beside Wade caught his attention, and Shadow shifted his gaze to find Bullseye sitting on the ground a few feet from Wade, laughing.
“It’s an old broken cell phone, dude. You’re good, man,” Bull said, as he held up the shattered pieces of plastic.
Shadow huffed as he shook his head and climbed to his feet. The others all started laughing and teasing and suddenly, Shadow found himself laughing along with them as they began moving down the street again.
They had his back. Without thought to their own safety the dumb fuckers had risked everything for his ass. It was in that moment that his new team became his brothers. Men he would kill for and die for.
Red. Blood swirlin
g, churning. Eyes. Stunning. Light silver eyes, full of joy, compassion, and longing. Silver eyes looking at him with understanding, patience, and love. Silver eyes that he longed to look at every moment of every day, for the rest of his days.
Lips. Soft, pink, luscious, smiling. Perfect white teeth showing between those lips. Then words. Softly spoken. A voice singing low, then growing louder. Soothing. Comforting. Making him feel. Feel things he thought long gone. Feeling things, he tried so hard to forget. Feeling. Walls shattered, broken apart, crumbled away into the abyss. Walls that were once as strong as steel, were now like twigs in the wind.
A gorgeous face. Feminine in its beauty, but masculine just the same. Long flowing platinum blond hair. Soft and shining, calling to him.
“Shadow,” the sultry voice whispered his name.
“I’m here,” he tried to reply, but his full throat wouldn’t allow it. The words couldn’t break free.
“I’m here, Shadow. I’m here.”
“Deja. So beautiful. I… I’m sorry. I…”
His mate gave him a sad smile, then began to sing from that song he had sung before he left Shadow behind to go to Maddox. What was it called? Come Back to Me? Yes, that was it. “I’ll be here whenever you need me, I’ll wait for you.”
“No, Deja!” He didn’t want his mate to give him a free pass anymore. He wanted Deja. He wanted his mate.
“I’ll let you go, I’ll set you free…”
“No! No! I don’t want to be set free!”
Deja gave him another of those stunning smiles, then whispered, “When you find you, come back to me.”
“I’m here!” He tried harder but began to choke on the thick substance as it started to pull him down again, drowning him once more. “No!”
“I can’t get close if you’re not there. I can’t get inside if there’s no soul to bear. I can’t fix you, I can’t save you, it’s something you’ll have to do.” Deja’s beautiful voice filled his head as his body jerked under the weight of his words, and the cold fingers of his past pulled him down.