Unexpected Magic

by Diana Wynne Jones

  “Good-bye,” whispered Carruthers. “I’ll be back when I’ve laid some eggs.”

  What the Cat Told Me

  I am a cat. I am a cat like anything. Keep stroking me. I came in here because I knew you were good at stroking. But put your knees together so I can sit properly, front paws under. That’s better. Now keep stroking, don’t forget to rub my ears, and I will purr and tell.

  I am going to tell you how I came to be so very old. When I was a kitten, humans dressed differently, and they had great stamping horses to pull their cars and buses. The Old Man in the house where I lived used to light a hissing gas on the wall when it got dark. He wore a long black coat. The Boy who was nice to me wore shabby breeches that only came to his knees, and he mostly went without shoes, just like me. We slept in a cupboard under the stairs, Boy and I. We kept one another warm. We kept one another fed, too, later on. The Old Man did not like cats or boys. He only kept us because we were useful.

  I was more useful than Boy. I had to sit in a five-pointed star. The Boy would help Old Man mix things that smoked and made me sneeze. I had to sneeze three times. After that things happened. Sometimes big purple cloud things came and sat beside me in the star. Fur stood up on me, and I spat, but the things only went away when Old Man hit the star with his stick and told them, “Begone!” in a loud voice. At other times the things that came were small, real things you could hit with your paw: boxes, or strings of shiny stones no one could eat, or bright rings that fell tink beside me out of nowhere. I did not mind those things. The things I really hated were the third kind. Those came inside me and used my mouth to speak. They were nasty things with hateful thoughts, and they made me hateful. And my mouth does not like to speak. It ached afterward, and my tongue and throat were so sore that I could not wash the hatefulness off me for hours.

  I so hated those inside-speaking things that I used to run away and hide when I saw Old Man drawing the star on the cellar floor. I am good at hiding. Sometimes it took Boy half the day to find me. Then Old Man would shout and curse and hit Boy and call him a fool. Boy cried at night in the cupboard afterward. I did not like that, so after a while I scratched Old Man instead. I knew none of it was Boy’s fault. Boy made Old Man give me nice things to eat after I had sat in the star. He said it was the only way to get me to sit there.

  Boy was clever, you see. Old Man thought he was a fool, but Boy told me—at night in the cupboard—that he only pretended to be stupid. Boy was an orphan like me. Old Man had bought him for a shilling from a baby farmer ages before I was even a kitten, because his hair was orange, like the ginger patches on me, and that is supposed to be a good color for magic. Old Man paid a whole farthing for me, for much the same reason, because I am brindled. And Boy had been with Old Man ever since, learning things. It was not only magic that Boy learned. Old Man was away quite a lot when Boy was small. Boy used to read Old Man’s books in the room upstairs, and the newspapers, and anything else he could find. He told me he wanted to learn magic in order to escape from Old Man, and he learned the other things so that he could manage in the wide world when he did escape; but he had been a prisoner in the house for years now, and although he knew a great deal, he still could not break the spell Old Man had put on him to keep him inside the house. “And I really hate him,” Boy said to me, “because of the cat before you. I want to stop him doing any more magic before I leave.”

  And I said—

  What was that? How could Boy and I talk together? Do you think I am a stupid cat, or something? I am nearly as clever as Boy. How do you think I am telling you all this? Let me roll over. My stomach needs rubbing. Oh, you rub well! I really like you. Well—No, let me sit up again now. I think the talking must be something to do with those inside-speaking things. When I was a kitten, I could understand what people said, of course, but I couldn’t do it back, not at first, until I had been lived in and spoken through by quite a lot of Things. Boy thought they stretched my mind. And I was clever to start with, not like the cat before me.

  Old Man killed the cat before me somehow. Boy would not tell me how. It was a stupid cat, he said, but he loved it. After he told me that, I would not go near Boy for a whole day. It was not just that I was nervous about being killed, too. How could he love any cat that wasn’t me? Boy caught me a pigeon off the roof, but I still wouldn’t speak to him. So he stole me a saucer of milk and swore he would make sure Old Man didn’t kill me, too. He liked me a lot better than the other cat, he said, because I was clever. Anyway, Old Man killed the other cat doing magic he would not be able to work again without a certain special powder. Besides, the other cat was black and did not look as interesting as me.

  After Boy had told me a lot of things like this, I put my nose to his nose, and we were friends again. We made a conspiracy—that was what Boy called it—and swore to defeat Old Man and escape somehow. But we could not find out how to do it. We thought and thought. In the end I stopped growing because of the strain and worry. Boy said no, it was because I was full grown.

  I said, “Why, in that case, are you still growing? You’re already more than ten times my size. You’re nearly as big as Old Man!”

  “I know,” said Boy. “You’re an elegant little cat. I don’t think I shall be elegant until I’m six feet tall, and maybe not even then. I’m so clumsy. And so hungry!”

  Poor Boy. He did grow so, around then. He did not seem to know his own size from one day to the next. When he rolled over in the cupboard, he either squashed me or burst out into the hallway. I had to scratch him quite hard, several nights, or he would have smothered me. And he kept knocking things over when he was awake. He spilled the milk jug—which I didn’t mind at all—and he kicked Old Man’s magic tripod by accident and smashed six jars of smelly stuff. Old Man cursed and called Boy a fool, worse than ever. And I think Boy really was stupid then, because he was so hungry. Old Man was too mean to give him more to eat. Boy ate my food, so I was hungry, too. He said he couldn’t help it.

  I went on the roof and caught pigeons. Boy roasted them over the gaslight at night when Old Man was asleep. Delicious. But the bones made me sick in the corner. We hid the feathers in the cupboard, and after I had caught a great many pigeons, night after night, the cupboard began to get warm. Boy began to get his mind back. But he still grew, and he was still hungry. By the time I had stopped growing for a year, Boy was so big his breeches went right up his legs and his legs went all hairy. Old Man couldn’t hit him anymore then, because Boy just put out a long, long arm and held Old Man off.

  “I need more clothes,” he told Old Man.

  Old Man grumbled and protested, but at last he said, “Oh, all right, you damn scarecrow. I’ll see what I can do.” He went unwillingly down into the cellar and heaved up one of the flagstones there. He wouldn’t let me look in the hole, but I know that what was under that flagstone was Old Man’s collection of all the rings and shiny stones that came from nowhere when I sat in the five-pointed star. I saw Old Man take some chinking things out. Then he slammed down the stone and went away upstairs, not noticing that one shiny thing had spilled out and gone rolling across the floor. It was a little golden ball. It was fun. I chased it for hours. I patted it and it rolled, and I pounced, and it ran away all around the cellar. Then it spoiled the fun by rolling down a crack between two flagstones and getting lost. Then I found I was shut in the cellar and had to make a great noise to be let out.

  That reminds me: does your house have balls in it? Then buy me one tomorrow. Until then a piece of paper on some string will do.

  Where was I? Oh, yes. Someone smelling of mildew came and let me out. I nearly didn’t know Boy at first. He had a red coat and white breeches and long black boots on, all rather too big for him. He said it was an old soldier’s uniform Old Man had picked up cheap, and how did I get shut in the cellar?

  I sat around his neck and told him about the flagstone where Old Man kept his shinies. Boy was very interested. “That would buy an awful lot of food,” he said. He
was still hungry. “We’ll take it with us when we escape. Let’s try escaping next time he works magic.”

  So that night we made a proper plan at last. We decided to summon a Good Spirit, instead of the hateful things Old Man always fetched. “There must be some good ones,” Boy said. But since we didn’t know enough to summon a good one on our own, we had to make Old Man do it for us somehow.

  We did it the very next day. I played up wonderfully. As soon as Old Man started to draw on the cellar floor, I ran away, so that Old Man would not suspect us. I dug my claws hard into Boy’s coat when he caught me, so that Old Man could hardly pull me loose. And I scratched Old Man, very badly, so that there was blood when he put me inside the five-pointed star. Then I sat there, humped and sulky, and it was Boy’s turn.

  Boy did rather well, too. At first he was just the usual kind of clumsy and kicked some black powder into some red powder while they were putting it out in heaps, and the cellar filled with white soot. It was hard not to sneeze too soon, but I managed not to. I managed to hold the sneeze off until Old Man had done swearing at Boy and begun on the next bit, the mumbling. Then I sneezed—once. Boy promptly fell against the tripod, which dripped hot stuff on the spilled powder. The cellar filled with big purple bubbles. They drifted and shone and bobbed most enticingly. I would have loved to chase them, but I knew I mustn’t, or we would spoil what we were doing. Old Man couldn’t leave off his mumbling, because that would spoil the spell, but he glared at Boy through the bubbles. I sneezed again—two—to distract him. Old Man raised his stick and began on the chanting bit. And Boy pretended to trip and, as he did, he threw a fistful of powder he had ready into the gaslight.

  Whup! it went.

  Old Man jumped and glared and went on grimly chanting—he had to, you see, because you can’t stop magic once you have started—and all the bubbles drifted to the floor and burst, smicker, smicker, very softly. As each one burst, there was a little tiny pink animal on the floor, running about and calling, “Oink, oink, oink!” in a small squeaky voice. That nearly distracted me, as well as Old Man. I stared out at them with longing. I would have given worlds to jump out of the star and chase those beasties. They looked so beautifully eatable. But I knew I mustn’t try to come out of the star yet, so I shut my eyes and yawned to hold in the third sneeze and thought hard, hard, hard of a Good Thing. Let a Good Thing come! I thought. I thought as hard as you do when you see a saucer of milk held in the air above you, and you want them to put it on the floor—quick. Then I gave my third sneeze.

  That reminds me. Milk? Yes, please, or I won’t be able to tell you any more.

  Thank you. Keep your knee steady. You may stroke me if you wish. Where was I?

  Right. When I opened my eyes, all the delicious beasties had vanished and the light burned sort of dingily. Old Man was beating Boy over the head with a stick. He could do that for once, because Boy was crouched by the wall laughing until his face ran tears. “Pigs!” he said. “Tiny little pigs! Oh, oh, oh!”

  “I’ll pig you!” Old Man screamed. “You spoiled my spell! Look at the pentangle—there’s nothing there at all!”

  But there was. I could feel the new Thing inside me. It wasn’t hateful at all, but it felt lost and a bit feeble. It was too scared to say or do anything or even let me move, until Old Man crossly broke the pentangle and stumped away upstairs.

  Boy stood rubbing his head. “Pity it didn’t work, Brindle,” he said. “But wasn’t it worth it just for those pigs?”

  “Master,” the Good Thing said with my mouth, “Master, how can I serve you, bound as I am?”

  Boy stared, and his face went odd colors. I always wonder how you humans manage that. “Good Lord!” he said. “Did we do it after all? Or is it a demon?”

  “I don’t think I’m a demon,” Good Thing said doubtfully. “I may be some kind of spirit. I’m not sure.”

  “Can’t you get out of me?” I said to it in my head.

  “No. Our Master would not be able to hear me if I did,” it told me.

  “Bother you then!” I said, and started to wash.

  “You can serve me, anyway, whatever you are,” Boy said to Good Thing. “Get me some food.”

  “Yes, Master,” it made me say, and obeyed at once. I had just reached that stage of washing where you have one foot high in the air. I fell over. It was most annoying. Next minute I was rolling about in a huge warm room full of people cooking things. A kitchen, Boy said it was later. It smelled marvelous. … I hardly minded at all when Good Thing made me leap up and snatch a roast leg of mutton from the nearest table. But I did mind—a lot—when two men in white hats rushed at me shouting, “Damn cat!”

  Good Thing didn’t know what to do about that at all, and it nearly got us caught. “Let me handle this!” I spat at it, and it did. I told you, it was a bit feeble. I dived under a big dresser where people couldn’t reach me and crouched there right at the back by the wall. It was a pity I had to leave the meat behind. It smelled wonderful. But I had to leave it, or they’d have gone on chasing me. “Now,” I said, when my coat had settled flat again, “you tell me what you want me to take and I’ll take it properly this time.”

  Good Thing agreed that might work better. We waited until they’d all gone back to cooking and then slunk softly out into the room again. And Good Thing had been thinking all this time. It made me a sort of invisible sack. It was most peculiar. No one could see the sack, not even me, and it didn’t get in my way at all. I just knew it was behind me, filling up with the food I stole. Good Thing made me take stuff I’d never have dreamed of eating myself, like cinnamon jelly and—yuk!—cucumber, as well as good honest meat and venison pie and other reasonable things.

  Then we were suddenly back in the cellar, where Boy was glumly clearing up. When he saw the food spilling out onto the floor, his face lit up. Good Thing had been right. He loved the jelly and even ate cucumber. For once in his life he really had enough to eat. I helped him eat the venison pie, and we both had strawberries and cream to finish with. I love those.

  Which reminds me—Oh. Strawberries are out of season? Never mind. I’ll stay with you until they come back in. Rub my stomach again.

  I was heavy and kind of round after that meal. Good Thing complained rather. “Well, get out of me then, and it won’t bother you,” I said. I wanted to sleep.

  “In a minute,” it said. “Master, the cat tells me you want to escape, but I’m afraid I can’t help you there.”

  Boy woke up in dismay. He was dropping off to sleep on the floor, being so full. “Why not?”

  “Two reasons,” Good Thing said apologetically. “First, there is a very strong spell on you, which confines you to this house, and it is beyond my power to break it. Second, there is an equally strong spell on me. You and the cat broke part of it, the part which confined me to a small golden ball, but I am still forced to stay in the house where the golden ball is. The only other place I can go is the house I … came from.”

  “Damn!” said Boy. “I did hope—”

  “The spell that confines the cat is nothing like so strong,” Good Thing said. “I could raise that for you.”

  “That’s something at least! Do that,” said Boy. He was a generous Boy. “And if you two could keep on fetching food, so that I can put my mind to something besides how hungry I am, then I might think of a way to break the spell on you and me.”

  I was a little annoyed. It seemed that we had got Good Thing just because the golden ball had escaped from Old Man, and not because of Boy’s cleverness or my powers of thought. But though I knew the ball was down a crack just inside the place where Old Man usually drew his pentangle, I didn’t mention it to Boy in case his feelings were hurt, too.

  We had great good times for quite a long while after that, Boy, Good Thing, and I, and Old Man never suspected at all. He was away a lot around then, anyway. While he was away, there were always a jug of milk and a loaf that appeared magically every four days, but Boy and I would have half sta
rved on that without Good Thing. Good Thing took me to the kitchen place every day at suppertime, and we came back with every kind of food in the invisible sack. When Good Thing was not around—it quite often went away in the night and left me in peace—I went out across the roofs. I led a lovely extra life on top of the town. I met other cats by moonlight, but they were never as clever as me. I found out all sorts of things and came and told them to Boy. He was always very wistful about not being able to go out himself, but he listened to everything. He was like that. He was my friend. And he was a great comfort to me when I had my first kittens. I didn’t know what was happening to me. Boy guessed and he told me. Then he told me that we must hide the kittens or Old Man would know I had been able to go out. We were very secret and hid them in our cupboard in a nest of pigeon feathers.

  I am good at having kittens. I’ll show you presently. I always have three, one tabby, one ginger, and one mixed like me. I had three kittens then, and Old Man never knew, even though they were quite noisy sometimes, especially after I taught them how to play with Good Thing.

  When Good Thing came out of me, I could see it quite well, though Boy never could. It was quite big outside me, up to Boy’s shoulder, and frail and wafty, and it could float about at great speed. It enjoyed playing. I used to hunt it all round the house and leap on it, pretending to tear it to bits, and of course it would waft away between my paws. Boy used to guess where Good Thing was from my behavior and laugh at me hunting it. He laughed even more when my kittens were old enough to play hunting Good Thing, too.

  By this time Boy was a fine, strong Boy, full of thoughts, and his soldier clothes were getting too short and tight. He asked Good Thing to get him some more clothes next time Old Man was away. So Good Thing and I went to another part of the mansion where the kitchen was. Boy said “house” was the wrong word for that place. He was right. It was big and grand. This time when we got there, we went sneaking at a run up a great stair covered with red carpet—or I went sneaking with Good Thing inside me—and along more carpet to a large room with curtains all around the walls. The curtains had pictures that Good Thing said were lords and ladies hunting animals with birds and horses. I never knew that birds were any help to people.