Dark Memories (The Phantom Diaries, #2)

by Kailin Gow

  With a sigh that reverberated with longing more than fatigue, she turned to me and put her hand to my chest. The simple touch told me of her desire for me. But her gaze remained restrained.

  “You’re fearful, my love,” I said. I regretted the words. Now was not the time to speak of her uncertainties. I’d wanted this night to be of passion.

  Her eyes widened. Surprised and caught off guard, she brought a quick but unconvincing smile to her lips. Veiled from the truth, her eyes could not meet mine.

  There was no need for her to answer. I knew the conclusion she’d come to. It was evident in every move she made and my heart ached all the more. She would never be truly free of Kristine, not so long as I was in her life.

  Chapter 10

  Annette

  Eric had slept in a guest room, allowing me the time and space I needed to collect my thoughts. His large room was empty without him, but I was thankful for his consideration. Barefoot and still groggy I walked to the window and glimpsed outside at a New York City that was a buzz of festive activities. Magical with its mass of Christmas lights and chilled by hints of snow, it was a spectacular city in which to spend the holidays, though far from the traditions I’d grown up with in New Orleans.

  Remnants of the Boxing Day shopping crowd filled the streets looking for bargains. I’d hopefully have some time to get some shopping of my own done. I desperately wanted to find anything related to the Yankees for my dad and I thought Maman would really enjoy a touch of New York fashion. Perhaps a silk scarf, or one of those thousand dollar designer handbags. But a return to rehearsals at the Met was today’s priority and I had to set my shopping list aside.

  I rushed out of Eric’s home and down through the tunnels that were now becoming increasingly familiar to me. Though I erred twice, I was able to retrace my steps and find the correct tunnel that led to the Met’s entrance. As I entered the rehearsal hall, the first person I saw was Chace with a new violin under his chin.

  His concentration was admirable as he led the orchestra to a powerful climax. His hair tousled around his face and all the emotion and drama of the piece emanated from every part of his being.

  A final flick of his bow and the orchestra fell silent.

  He gazed at me, his eyes showing quick recognition, but just as quick, indifference. Was he still angry? Of course he was. He had to be. No doubt he thought I’d played him for a fool. I could still see his expression as he’d entered my dressing room to find me in Aaron’s arms. The pain, the rage and the betrayal. No wonder he wanted to look away.

  I took my place and we spent the next few hours going over several of the songs, but with every song seamlessly gliding into the other, there was little need for in-depth repetition.

  When the orchestra, dancers and co-stars began to disperse, I noticed Chace stalling. For minutes he placed his music sheets in order, shuffling them around and tapping them into a neat pile. He opened and closed his violin case repeatedly, pulled his violin back out and wiped it down with a smooth cloth and settled it back in its case. His fingers remained on the cover of his case, hesitating and looking for something else to do.

  I knew I’d have to make the first move.

  Unsure how he’d react, I slowly approached him when the last of the musicians left. Alone in the rehearsal hall, the air was suddenly stiff and tense. My throat constricted as I tried to think of something to say. Standing at his side, the silence that engulfed us made us all the more aware of our awkward reunion.

  When he reached out to take my hand I sighed, audibly and without restraint.

  “Chace,” I whispered with the heaviness of such regret.

  “Come walk with me,” he said simply.

  With the hope of his complete forgiveness, I pulled on my coat and followed him out to the streets. He held my hand and led me to Central Park. Enchanted by the winter wonderland, I allowed myself to relax and take in the beauty of the fresh fallen snow. I inhaled deeply, intoxicated by the cool air that rushed to my lungs.

  Chace stopped to buy us each a hot pretzel then found a vacant bench where we could watch the few ducks, geese and swans who wintered there. The scent of our pretzels soon had a black swan trumpeting his way over, eager for a morsel of soft dough.

  With a lopsided grin, Chace obliged, nibbling away at the salty outer shell of his pretzel and throwing the softer interior to the eager swan who wasted no time getting even closer for more.

  Within minutes I was smiling and laughing, remembering Chace’s ability to make me feel like a child again. The swan became more insistent, while Chace teased it and tried to urge it closer still. He soon had it dancing around and craning its elegant long neck for a tiny crumb.

  “You always make me laugh,” I said, my eyes on the hungry swan. But I was excruciatingly aware of his proximity. His thigh pressed up against mine and I longed for more of his warmth.

  He threw the crumb a few feet away and the disgruntled swan waddled off for its reward. His eyes suddenly grew solemn and the swan no longer interested him. “At least there’s that,” he said. Though he was calm, I could hear the bite in his words.

  That heavy silence returned and I couldn’t think of a thing to say to make things better. How could I explain what had happened, what I’d done to him?

  “Let’s face it,” he finally said. “I’m no match for someone like Aaron Aragon. There’s no way I could offer you the life that he can… not even close. I understand you have to go out and have dinner with him, meet important people who will advance your career, but the jealousy is driving me crazy. I can’t control how it makes me feel seeing you with him. It’s a slow death and I don’t really think I deserve that.”

  “Of course you don’t, Chace.”

  “It’s not like me to be so violent.”

  I nodded and remembered the night he’d snuck into my apartment. He’d been unrecognizable in his rage. To see this sweet boy with the tousle of curls lurking in the shadows like a madman… A chill coursed through me at the thought.

  “I almost killed him, Annette,” Chace said, looking at me and knowing my thoughts were also back to that dreadful night. “I hit him with my violin of all things… my violin! How crazy must I be to actually do something like that? It was like trying to kill us both. Him with the blow, me with the destruction of the very tool of my career.”

  “It was under awful circumstances, Chace, and you really shouldn’t kick yourself for it.”

  “I’ll be lucky if he doesn’t press charges.”

  “I’ve spoken to him, Chace, and he won’t,” I said, hoping to alleviate that concern. He glared at me and I could see that my conversation with Aaron was little solace.

  “I’ve been trying to get transferred to another show.”

  I turned to him and clasped his hands in mine. “What? Chace, no.”

  “It’s the only way of finding peace in all this hell.”

  “But you're so wonderful here and this is one of the biggest productions in New York. The world will know who you are from this show. The world will have heard your genius. I hate to see you leave something so important to your career because of me.”

  “And in the meantime,” he continued as though I’d not spoken at all, “I think it’s best we not see each other outside the show.”

  Tears of guilt lined my eyes and I sought some argument to change his mind.

  “Don’t feel responsible, Annette. I knew what I was getting into when I hooked up with you. You're beautiful beyond reason and your immense talent only amplifies that delicate beauty. You're the star of the show while I’m a simple musician in the depths of the pit.”

  “You're hardly a simple musician. You’re first chair.”

  “If it hadn’t been Aaron Aragon who so vehemently sought your attention it would have been one of the thousands of men waiting in line to just have a chance to meet you. All men of power and wealth who could, and would, give you the world.”

  “I hate this. It’s not fair that you sho
uld have to go. Chace, I wasn’t myself that night and I can’t bear how I’ve hurt you. You’ve been such a good friend since I’ve arrived and I’ve treated you shabbily.”

  “A friend?” He seemed less than pleased with my view of our relationship.

  “Yes. A very, very good friend.” I brought my fingers to his lips, hoping to make him see just how important he was to me. “A friend I care very much about.”

  He tensed and didn’t move for a moment as I traced his lips with my fingertips. I could feel his warm breath on my chilled digit and it made me ache all the more for him.

  “Don’t do that,” he finally said, taking my hand away and tucking it at my side.

  “I’m only being playful, Chace.”

  “I know, but you're only making me want to….” His voice trailed off as he pulled me into his arms. I felt the depth of his emotions as he held me and I could have sworn I’d heard a faint cry of anguish from deep in his chest. His hand reached into my hair and played tenderly at the nape of my neck. Although it was he who’d lived through such pain, he was consoling and soothing me. It was just like him to be so caring and thoughtful, and it made me feel all the more dreadful for having abused his tender nature.

  When he pulled back, his eyes were dark and intent on my face. They darted from my eyes to my lips and back to my eyes as though searching for a reason. The question was plain on his face. Why?

  I had no logical answer. None that he would believe, anyway.

  My gaze dipped to his lips as they parted and approached, and my heart wanted to feel the heat of his mouth and taste the sweetness of his tongue. I needed his forgiveness and longed for his touch.

  I swallowed and closed my eyes, anticipating his kiss. All I could hear as the seconds dragged on was his breathing, resigned and defeated. When his lips touched my forehead, I opened my eyes and hid my disappointment. His kiss was chaste and bereft of passion.

  “We’d better get going.” He stood and held his hand out for me. “It’s getting late.”

  “Chace?” I suddenly wondered where he’d be transferred to. Would I still see him? Would he come around the Met just to say hi? Could I call him up to chat and laugh? “Have you had word of a transfer yet?”

  “San Francisco might be interested.”

  I was stunned and shocked, and almost fell back onto the bench. For some reason I had expected him to get another show here in New York. But clear across the country? “But that’s…”

  “In California, yes.”

  “What, did China not have an opening?” I regretted the bitter words the moment they were out, but I couldn’t help feeling like I’d been slapped in the face. Though I wanted to understand his desire to get away, truth was I didn’t.

  “Believe me, I tried.”

  I gaped at him, trying to find a hint of a smile, anything to betray the joke he was playing on me. Solemn and resolved, he took to the path and led me back to the street.

  “But, I don’t want you to leave, Chace.” The statement came out on a wave of an unsteady breath. I didn’t want to be childish and cry, but I could feel a great sob working its way up my chest.

  “I can’t sit by and just be your friend, Annette. I wish I could. I wish I didn’t feel everything that I feel for you, but I do. I can’t pretend I don’t, I’m not an actor. It’s one thing to have you think of me as a friend, but to be aware of the love you have for another man is unbearable. And being close enough to you to watch that love for him grow is downright excruciating.”

  “I don’t think I’m in love with him, Chace.”

  “You don’t think?” he asked incredulously.

  I ignored the accusation. For crying out loud, I was only eighteen. Did I not have the right to be emotionally confused? Was it not normal for me to not know where to turn with all the events of late? “And I do love you,” I went on. “It may not be the depth of love you want, but I do love and care for you very much.”

  He stopped and took my hands in his and clasped them to his chest. “It’s not enough, Annette. I’m sorry. I wish I could be more mature and worldly, and set my emotions aside and just be pragmatic about the whole thing, but I can’t. Honestly.”

  “You're not giving me a chance to get all my emotions sorted out. I’ve only be in New York a short while and it’s been a whirlwind of new people, new experiences, and I’m a little confused by it all. I never meant to hurt you, or anyone else, but everything is moving so fast, I can barely keep up.”

  “The pain I feel is there nonetheless, Annette. I know myself well enough to know that I need to start anew somewhere else.”

  He kissed my fingertips then guided me back to the Met. I wanted to argue with him and find a way to get him to stay. If his career were to suffer because of my immaturity and my uncertainty I would forever blame myself. But there was little more I could say. I didn’t know what I really felt and now was not the time to make some half-baked claim when I didn’t understand all that was going on in my heart.

  “San Francisco is beautiful at this time of year and the music scene there is awesome.” Chace spoke matter-of-factly, though I could hear his attempt to sound chipper. “I should have a confirmation from them in a week or two.”

  “I’ll miss you,” I blubbered.

  His hand tightened around mine and a jumble of emotions had me aching to be in his arms. But when we reached the Met he straightened his shoulders and put on a stoic grin.

  “Hey, chin up,” he said, consoling me as I felt the flood of tears working its way up to my eyes. “I was the great friend of New York’s greatest talent of the twenty-first century. When I see your face plastered on every magazine, I can say I knew you. I even got the chance to kiss you. That’s not a bad thing.”

  How sweet of him to try to make me feel better when he actually felt so miserable.

  After another quick and amicable kiss on the forehead, he turned and walked away without looking back. My leg twitched to chase after him and his name clung to my throat.

  Chapter 11

  I headed straight for my dressing room barely aware of the people I passed. The walls of the Met were a blur and the sounds around me an incoherent buzz. I walked right by Judy and didn’t even notice her until she shouted out.

  “Hey, are you going to give me the cold shoulder again?” she called out in a reproachful tone.

  I turned to her and the moment she saw the tears glistening in my eyes, her sarcastic eyes softened. She followed me into my dressing room and closed the door. “Are you all right?”

  “No.” It was a harsh response that echoed just how angry I was with myself. I grabbed a hairbrush from my make-up table and violently set to brushing out my hair. With each stroke, my chest ached until I couldn’t bear it any longer. I leaned one hand onto the table and sobbed.

  “Let it out, Annette. Whatever it is that’s eating you up, just let it pour out.” Judy passed her hands over my shoulders in a soothing motion as she guided me into my chair.

  I stared at my glum reflection for a long moment, just watching the tears flow over my reddened cheeks. My eyes were soon puffy and I looked a mess, but after a while, I’d cried all the tears I had and felt calmer.

  “Being out here is so difficult, Judy. Everything. I’m far from home, from my mom and dad. I’ve embarked on a career I’d not really anticipated, and it’s so much more demanding than I would have ever thought. New people are all around me, and I don’t know which way to turn.”

  “You mean new men.” Never one to mince words, she got straight to the heart of the matter. “I suppose Chace finally got up the courage to talk to you.”

  I looked up at her reflection in the mirror. “You knew about this?” I don’t know why I was surprised. He and Judy were such good friends.

  “Everyone knows, Annette.” While her tone wasn’t quite accusatory, it held a note of resentment. “He’s been moping around here trying to act like nothing’s bothering him, but every night you go out with that Aragon, another
little piece of him dies.”

  “Aaron is my boss,” I said, ignoring her use of his surname and not pointing out that he was her boss as well. “He knows what’s best for my career; what’s best for the show. I can’t very well refuse his invitations. We’re out with important people in society; people who can do wondrous things for my career.”

  “Are you trying to convince me or yourself? You know perfectly well that all those outings with Aragon aren’t strictly business. Even the papers and magazines are talking about your romance with him. Do you have any idea what that is doing to Chace?”

  I stared blankly at her while my fingers played with the Tiffany charm bracelet Chace had given me.

  “Chace is a sweet boy who has only the best of intentions. He’d do anything for you.”

  “I know that, Judy,” I said, feeling a little defensive. My fingers clung to the silver music note that hung on my bracelet and I could clearly see the expression on Chace’s face as he’d given me the congratulatory gift. “He gave me this when I got the part of Adelle.”

  “I know,” she said in a tone that was flat and displeased. “He was so happy for you. Then again, he didn’t know what your success would do to your relationship. I don’t think he even really knew the existence of Aragon, nor what his presence would ultimately do to you.”

  “Is it just me or there’s an accusation in there somewhere?”

  “Dinner with important people is one thing. Rumor of a romance is one thing. Being found in Aragon’s arms… in a passionate, if not downright vulgar embrace…”

  “Did Chace tell you that?”

  “Are you saying it’s untrue?”

  I couldn’t, and I didn’t have the foggiest idea how to explain myself. “Aaron is a very persuasive man,” I finally said.

  “Of that I’ve no doubt,” she said. Her sarcasm was grating. “But how do you explain the director, stagehand and any other man who got within a hundred feet of you? What was your reason for giving them all the eye? Just testing out your star power?”