Pain

by E. M. Leya

  "A couple a week usually. It depends on how far we want to travel. We've pretty much cleaned up the local population, but every now and then a new perp pops up or moves into the area. Most of the time we have to head out of town to handle things."

  "You do this nationwide?"

  "Mostly we stick to the West Coast, but for the right case, we'll go anywhere. Even had a few cases up in Canada, but I leave most of those to the other guys. I hate flying," Xander admitted as he pulled out on the road.

  Matt raised a brow.

  "Had a bad experience when I was little. There was a lot of turbulence. Made me scared of planes." Xander didn't seem to have any issues admitting his weakness. "Hate spiders too. Fucking creepy things."

  Matt laughed, the first real laugh he could recall in a long time. There was just something about this big, strong man who made a living cutting off people's balls being scared of spiders that was funny.

  "You laugh, but those fuckers stalk you. I swear they follow me from room to room when one gets into my house. I'll never understand the need for spiders in the whole circle of life thing. Some creatures the world would be better off without." Xander glanced over at Matt. "So, what made you decide to join us?"

  "Honestly, I just couldn't see myself going back to my other job for another day. I've been bored for years, but now, since Faith went missing, and everyone feels the need to try and cheer me up and be all sympathetic, I just couldn't handle it. This week has been hell. I walked out today and called Carter. I was just done with it all." Matt made sure he was paying attention to where they were going.

  Xander lit a cigarette, lowering his window. "Does it bother you if I smoke?"

  Thinking he probably should have asked before he lit it, Matt smiled. "No, my parents were both smokers."

  "Were?"

  "Is this where I tell you they both died of lung cancer?" Matt glanced over at him with a grin.

  "Hey, something's got to kill me. I might as well enjoy it while it happens."

  "Actually, my dad was killed in a car accident about ten years ago, right before Faith was born. And my mom, she's still alive, just no longer a smoker." Matt shrugged. "I actually smoked for a few years, but when I started dating my wife, she put a stop to it quick."

  "Spouses tend to do that." Xander didn't sound happy about it.

  "You married?"

  "Hell no. Like you said, people tend to try and change us. Not something I'm looking for."

  "Girlfriend at least?"

  Xander laughed. "More like a few guys I hook up with from time to time."

  "Ah, okay, so no girlfriends, and no serious boyfriends. Got it."

  "Oddly, no one on the team is married. I'm not sure a family man could deal with the hours we put in or with what we do. I guess it would be hard wondering if your spouse was going to end up in prison for the next fifty years because we get caught somehow." Xander shrugged. "I never thought about it before."

  "That's one of the things I'm kind of worried about. When Faith comes back home, I might not be able to keep working with you guys." Matt would never put Faith in danger of losing her father because he was breaking the law, at least not in the way he was going to be now. When he got her back, he wasn't leaving her side.

  "We'd all understand that. It won't be an issue as long as you keep our secrets."

  "And if I didn't?"

  Xander glanced over at him. "You waiting for me to say I'd show up at your house and cut off your balls? Not going to happen. We'd just have to relocate. The teams had to do it in the past, but that was long before I joined them. If you leave, you are free to go on living your life. If you feel the sudden urge to try and take the team down, you will become an enemy, but we aren't the type of people to come after you."

  Matt wasn't sure he believed that, but it didn't matter. As long as the team was honestly saving children, he would never do anything to hurt them. "I support what you guys do completely. I'd never tell a soul about it."

  "Somehow Bryon and Carter knew that, or you wouldn't have been invited in." Xander pulled into the parking lot of a Mexican food place. "Hope you like Mexican. I have orders to get us all dinner and bring it back to the house. Bryon's paying, so get what you want." Xander grabbed a piece of paper from between the seats. "It's like a fucking grocery list of take-out." He stepped out of the car.

  Matt followed, surprised by the sudden detour. He wasn't very hungry, but that wasn't uncommon. He hardly ate anymore.

  "I swear Becca could have stopped here after she got off work. It's only five minutes from the courthouse." Xander held the door open for Matt.

  He stepped inside, looking around the small restaurant. "Who is Becca?"

  "You'll meet her tonight. She works at the courthouse, keeps us up to date on cases and makes sure we are aware of things going on there." Xander spoke in a softer voice than usual. "She's the only female on the team."

  "Is there a reason there aren't more women?"

  "Not really. It just turned out that way. Her father used to work with Bryon. I'm not sure what brought her to work with us, but she's a great resource. I'll explain everything to you when we get there." Xander glanced around them as they waited for the cashier to finish with a customer. "What are you going to eat?"

  Matt shook his head. "I'm good."

  Xander raised a brow. "First rule of working with us is don't lie, and don't put yourself or your health in danger. What have you eaten today?"

  Matt thought back, realizing he hadn't had anything but coffee. He shrugged. "I haven't been hungry."

  "Grab a couple tacos or enchiladas or something."

  Even though it was said as a suggestion, Matt took it as a command. He didn't want to argue with Xander. Something told him he wouldn't win if he tried. He'd order something light and pick at it, but doubted his stomach could handle much. "I'll get a couple beef tacos."

  Xander reached for a pen on the counter and added them to the list he had before smiling at the young girl who worked there. "I have a to-go order." He pushed the sheet of paper at her.

  She glanced at it. "It will be about twenty minutes."

  "Perfect." Xander started to turn away.

  "Can I get a name?" she called to him.

  "Want my number too?" Xander winked at her, making her blush. "Name's Xan. We'll be back in twenty."

  Matt shook his head, casting an apologetic look at the young girl who was watching Xander with wide-eyed interest. He quickly followed Xander back outside, wondering why he was so amused by Xander's attitude.

  Xander unlocked the car, but glanced back at Matt. "I'm just grabbing my smokes. We can wait over there in the shade." He pointed to a couple of picnic tables to the side of the building.

  Matt didn't wait. He headed over, taking a seat at the first table he came to. He watched as Xander made his way toward him. If he didn't already know the guy, he would probably find him intimidating. Dark ink covered his arms, and with the thick beard, and steel-like eyes, he would make even the most confident person hesitate.

  He liked Xander even though he hardly knew him. He was just straightforward and that was refreshing. "Are you ever serious?" Matt asked as Xander sat down across from him.

  "All the time, but I find if I don't laugh at life a little, the darkness we see every day can eat at us. I have to stop taking parts of my life so seriously because other parts are so serious, if that makes any sense. I can't get caught up in the darkness. Everyone on the team has to find an outlet."

  "And joking is yours?"

  "One of them. Honestly, I just don't see a reason not to joke and have fun, but at the same time, I won't sugar coat things either."

  "I liked that about you," Matt told him. "When you and Carter came by, Carter was trying to sell the group to me, but I didn't want a sales pitch, I wanted to know the truth. Know what you guys were offering and what I'd be getting into if I joined you. I wanted honest facts, not some guy impressed with my computer skills."

  "Hmm, maybe
Bryon knows what he's doing after all. I couldn't figure out why he sent me with Carter. I'm not the pretty face that most would want to see on their doorstep." Xander gripped the base of his beard and held it in his fist for a minute. "But I can see how Carter's professionalism might be a turn-off. Sometimes people just need to hear the truth, no matter how gory it might be."

  "Yeah, I wasn't ready to hear some of that." Matt was embarrassed he'd gotten sick in front of them.

  "Hey, everyone handles things differently. I think most men would squirm hearing what we do, but you needed to know. Carter would have sugar-coated it all and had you believing we were something we're not. Any member of this team needs all the facts. Now you know the worst of it, so the rest shouldn't be too much of a shock to hear about."

  "Is there a lot more?"

  "Not a lot that would shock you, but there are so many levels to what we do that even I don't know them all. I'm computer illiterate. I have no idea what Bryon, Carter, and Trenton do all day, and while they know what I do, none of them want to do my job. We all have our talents, and we all make it work by doing what we do. You, being a computer geek, will end up in the back of the house on the computer all the time. You'll help get the information that I and the others need to do our part of the job. The team wouldn't work without all of us." Xander grinned. "We're like a big fucked up family. We all have our own talents, but put us together and it somehow works."

  "Hmm, that's not how my family was." Matt thought about his sister and mother, wondering what they would think when he told them he'd quit his job and couldn't tell them anything about his new one.

  "Yeah, mine wasn't either." Xander straightened. "Bryon and the team showed me what true family is. It doesn't always mean related."

  "It's good to know you guys are all so close." Matt ran his hand down his pant leg. "I've got a good family, but right now, they are a bit much. They want to coddle me. They don't get that I don't need them smothering me. I'm trying to deal with things, but sometimes it's easier alone, ya know? My sister tries to mother me, while my mother tries to reassure me. I swear if one more person promises me it's going to be okay, I'll punch them. No one knows if it's going to be okay, no one can promise me it will be. I'm not stupid. I know what the chances are that I'll never hold Faith again. None of them understand. They don't know what it's like to have this happen. I hate that they act like they know, because they just don't."

  Xander didn't say anything, just stared at Matt.

  Oddly, the fact that Xander didn't try to make excuses for them, didn't try to explain why his friends and family were acting that way, was refreshing. Matt took a deep breath. "Sorry, sometimes it just gets to be too much."

  "It's okay. Your days have to be filled with ups and downs. I won't even claim to imagine how you must feel. I've never been a parent, and never had a good relationship with my parents, so I can't know what you feel."

  "Angry." Matt sighed, not sure why he was telling Xander, who was practically a stranger, all about his feelings. "I'm mad at whoever took Faith. I'm mad at everybody who was there and saw nothing. I'm mad at the media for not making her disappearance a bigger issue. I'm mad at God for letting this happen, but most of all, I'm angry at myself for letting her down, for not protecting her like I promised I always would." Tears filled his eyes, but he blinked them away before they could fall.

  He sighed as he stood and started to pace. "I know I couldn't have been there, but maybe I could have had the sitter meet her at school, had another parent walk her home. I could have taught Faith to fight, to know better how to get away, protect herself."

  "The what-ifs are endless, it doesn't change the here and now." Xander watched him.

  "I know. I've told myself that a million times, but I guess I can't control anything happening now, so I look back and wonder if I could have controlled anything that happened then. My mind never stops."

  Xander nodded.

  "Fuck, I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I don't even know you."

  "Maybe that's exactly why. Maybe you need someone who will just listen and isn't emotionally as involved as you and the others are."

  Matt shrugged.

  "None of us are going to tell you how to feel. I'm not sure there is a right or wrong way to feel with what you are going through. If you need to talk, I'm here. If you just want someone to hang out with, who you don't have to talk to, I'm here. You want me to fuck off, I can do that too. The one thing about our team is we know where your mind goes, we know the fears you face, we know how bad this really could be. You don't have to hide from any of us. We won't push, in fact, unless we have information about Faith, we probably won't bring her up unless you do first, but know, if you do need to talk, we are there. I'm here."

  "How do you do it?"

  "Do what?" Xander asked.

  "Deal with knowing how bad it is out there? See what happens to those kids? How do you stay sane?"

  Xander took a deep breath. "I guess knowing we have a little part in trying to stop it. To know that by doing what we do, we aren’t just saving one child, but many. Sadly, new perps pop up all the time, but one by one, we put a stop to them."

  Matt sat back down. "I know what you said you do, but that only stops them from physically doing anything, right? They could still arrange, kidnap, hold?"

  "They could, but one of the side effects of what we do is that over time, they lose their drive, their bodies change, both physically and mentally. There have been studies on it. We take more than just something physical from them. We cut deeper. Most won't go back into it. Honestly, after the information we give the police, most won't ever see the light of day again, but those that do, life will be forever different for them."

  "You mentioned police before. How do you do all that?" Matt asked.

  Xander nodded toward a group of teens headed their way. "We'll explain everything once we are at the house. It will all make sense, and we can answer all your questions."

  Matt nodded. "Sorry, I need to remember this can't be friendly conversation."

  "You'll get used to it. You'll get so you don't want to talk about it. It's a job, and like any job, when you leave work, you try and put it from your mind. Unfortunately, some cases stay with us more than others, and for you right now, I'm guessing it's never far from your mind."

  Matt shook his head as he stared at the ground. "I'm obsessing over it. I don't eat, I don't sleep. All I do is search the web. I'll finally end up passing out from exhaustion and sleep ten hours, then go right back to it."

  "That's not healthy."

  "No, but until she's home, what else would you have me do?"

  "I honestly don't know. I'd be doing the same thing as you probably."

  "You know, losing my wife was hard, but I had time to get used to the knowledge it was going to happen. We had time to say everything we needed to say. With Faith, there was so much I never told her. She's so young. I thought I'd have years to tell her everything, to teach her everything. Now I wish I'd told her I love her one more time, or told her how beautiful she is, or how proud of her I am."

  "You don't know you won't get the chance still."

  Matt met Xander's stare. "Do you think I will?"

  "I honestly don't know. I won't lie and give you false hope, but I also won't tell you to give up. Until you know, you have to fight. It's what any good father would do." Xander reached over and braced a strong hand on Matt's shoulder. "Come on, the food should be ready."

  As he forced himself up, he reached out and gripped Xander's arm. "I just want to say thanks. You're the first person since this happened that hasn't told me it's going to be okay. It's nice to not have someone trying to make it all okay when it's not."

  Xander slapped Matt gently on the back as he led them to the door of the restaurant. "You're welcome." He let Matt walk inside before him. "But, one thing I will nag you about is eating and sleeping. So be prepared for that. You need the energy, and with the stuff you'll be doing to help us, you n
eed to be focused. You can't do that if you're half asleep. That's when mistakes get made. So, while I might be the nice guy right now, I will be the first to kick your ass in shape if you don't take care of yourself." He strode off to the counter.

  "Xan, right?" The young woman smiled. "I have your food right here." She set several bags on the counter. "That will be Seventy-two-oh-four."

  Xander handed her a credit card.

  "Here's your receipt, and my number." She stared up at Xander shyly.

  "Thanks, but keep it for a guy who is worth your time. I promise I'm not what you're looking for." He pushed the slip of paper back at her.

  "Who says you aren't?"

  "Um, the fact that he's more my type than you are." Xander pointed at Matt before giving the girl another wink and turning away. He handed half the bags to Matt before slinging his free arm around Matt's shoulders and walking them both out the door.

  "You're a horrible flirt. The poor girl didn't know what to say." Matt laughed as they got to the car, oddly comfortable with Xander being so close.

  "Life is meant to be fun, and flirting is fun. It doesn't always have to lead somewhere." Xander dropped the bags in the backseat before going around to the driver's side and getting in.

  Matt didn't know how to take Xander. He was unlike anyone Matt had ever met before. It was impossible not to like him.

  The rest of the trip to the team's headquarters was silent, with only an old rock station playing as Xander weaved through the streets. For a moment, Matt worried he'd never find his way back, but once Xander got on a main highway, it was easy to follow.

  He was surprised when Xander pulled up in front of a normal looking house in the middle of a neighborhood. It was the last thing he expected. He glanced around. "Do any of you live here?"

  "Bryon does. The upstairs is his space. We crowd the main floor, and the basement, well, that's for recreation." Xander grabbed half of the bags after he stepped out. "Come on inside and meet the rest of the team. I think you'll like them."

  Matt grabbed the rest of the bags before following Xander inside, hoping that he'd made the right choice because once he stepped inside, something told him there would be no turning back.