Pain

by E. M. Leya

  "It's not broken, is it?"

  "Nah, just sore. It will swell up tonight and be fine by morning." Xander looked at the bloody scrapes across his fingers. "My own fault."

  "That it was." Matt rolled his eyes. "Never understood hitting things."

  "Yeah, it's a bad habit of mine. Figure things are better than people."

  "You do have a point." Matt nodded to Xander's car in the driveway. "You ready to leave?"

  "Yeah, but I want to talk to Dy before we go, and I left my keys inside."

  "And I need to thank the team for allowing me to join them." Matt headed in first, going down the hall without another word.

  Xander followed, thankful that he wouldn't have to sit home alone tonight thinking about what Kasey and Dyson were doing. He still wasn't happy, but spending the rest of the evening with Matt would keep him from trying to talk Dyson into letting him join them. The last thing he needed was the team pissed off at him, but fuck, he still wanted to be part of this sting.

  Dyson was the only one in the living room when he stepped back in. Xander reached for his keys, then turned to his best friend. "Be safe tonight. Make the fucker pay, okay? Cut a little deeper than normal or something."

  "You know we will. No hard feelings, right?"

  "Not with you." Xander still wasn't happy with Bryon, but that wasn't something he'd deal with tonight. "Call me when you're headed home, okay? Let me know it's done."

  "I will. Are you going to be okay?"

  "Yeah, I'm going to have a few beers with Matt while I wait for your call."

  Dyson glanced at Xander's hand, but didn't say anything about it. "Be careful with him, Xan, he's not in a good place right now."

  Xander narrowed his eyes at him. "What do you think I'm going to do? Fuck, Dy, give me some credit. Besides, it's not like that."

  Dyson raised a brow.

  "He was married, remember? To a woman." Xander shook his head. "He's not even my type, besides, I'd never take advantage of anyone going through what he is. You should know that about me." He couldn't believe his best friend would have to issue a warning like that to him.

  "I know, Xan, but just be careful, okay? He's different."

  Xander rolled his eyes, letting the comment go before he lost his temper again. "Be safe tonight, okay? I don't want to have to go alone to get that tattoo."

  "I'm making our appointment first thing in the morning." Dyson held Xander's hard stare. "I'll be safe. I promise."

  Xander gave a final nod. "Tell Matt I'm at the car." Going through with a sting without a few days of planning wasn't what they liked to do, but he was glad the whole team agreed they couldn't wait on this one. It meant more danger, and he hated not being there to back Dyson and Kasey up, but he trusted them to know what they were doing. With a look that said silently everything they needed to, Xander turned and headed out the door.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Matt handed a beer to Xander and nodded to the backyard. "You can smoke if we sit outside."

  "Thanks. Most of my friends would sit inside just so I couldn't."

  Matt laughed as he pushed open the sliding glass door and stepped out into the backyard. "I'm not going to tell you what you can or can't do. You know the risks. I figure with what you do for a living, if smoking is the worst habit you have, then you're doing pretty good." He gestured to a few chairs. "Sorry it's not more comfortable." He pulled an old flower pot over that was filled with dirt and a dead something or other he'd probably forgotten to water. "You can use this as an ashtray."

  "It's a nice yard. Bigger than it looks from inside."

  Matt sat down, swallowing back the emotion as he stared at the large swing set that Faith used to swing on. "I always planned to do something nice back here, but I worked a lot, and Faith and her friends were the only ones to really come out here."

  "I bet she's an amazing girl."

  Matt bit his lip for a second, then took a hard breath. "She is. I wish you could meet her."

  "I hope I get to." Xander smiled.

  "I like that you don't talk like the others. They would have said she was an amazing girl, you said is. It helps, even if people don't think so."

  "Until we hear differently, she is alive, and she is coming home." Xander pulled a cigarette out and lit it. "I know it's hard, but I've seen a lot of kids returned home doing what I do. Not all these stories have unhappy endings."

  "But many do, and I know that. I try to stay positive, but it can be hard. It helps to have other positive people around." Matt watched a butterfly land on the swing set, smiling as he imagined Faith trying to catch it. "My mom and sister try, but they are more worried about me right now. I get it, I really do, but I wish they wouldn't treat me like I should get used to her being gone. I don't want to get used to her being gone. If I accept that it's a permanent thing, then I've given up on her."

  "Don't ever give up. There is always hope." Xander gestured to the swing. "It's good to come out here and remember things, even plan things for when she gets back. There is absolutely nothing wrong with believing."

  "Are you so different from everyone else because of what you do?"

  "I don't know, maybe some of it. I've always been a tell it like it is kinda guy. I hate beating around the bush, I hate walking on eggshells. People aren't stupid. They know the truth. We don't need to treat them with kid gloves all the time. I figure if people can't stand how I am, then they can fuck off. I'm happy, and I'm not changing for anyone."

  "Probably why you're single too?" Matt grinned.

  "Ah, maybe, but honestly, I don't do well in relationships. They are filled with expectations and promises neither can honestly keep. If I could find someone that could let me go on just being me and not try to change me, then I might give one a try. For now, a simple one-night-stand here and there is good enough for me."

  "What about you and Dyson. You seem close."

  "Dy and I served in the Army together. He was disowned by his family when he came out. He joined the military to escape. When I came home, I invited him to come with me. He followed a few months later. We've been best friends ever since."

  "Ah, I thought maybe it was more."

  "No, it never will be. We're better friends. Honestly, we're probably too much alike to ever make anything more work. What about you? Were you seeing anyone before all this happened?"

  Matt frowned. "No, I've dated a few people since Jill died, but it was always awkward for me. I felt like I was hurting Faith by making her think I was trying to replace her mom. I know that wasn't how it really is, but the thought always kept me from letting anything get serious. I hoped as she got older she might understand better and I could try again, but now, well, when she comes home, she'll be my only focus."

  "As it should be for a while, but don't let yourself stop living too."

  "You've seen kids after they've been kidnapped, right?"

  "Actually, no. We never see the kids. When we go in and there are kids in the house, we make sure the police know where to find them, but with what we do, it's best if we don't have any contact with the children. We leave that for the police and those who are trained to handle more delicate situations. Leaving them behind to wait for the authorities is the hardest thing we have to do, but it's for the best. I'm sure having me walk in would scare them a hell of a lot more than seeing a cop come in." Xander put his cigarette out in the flower pot, then took a long drink of his beer.

  "Probably true, but do you know how the kids are after? What happens?"

  "No, we read the papers and see the news, but we don't follow up. If you're asking if they are okay? I think in time most of them will be, but it takes a while. Each child will deal with it in a different way."

  "I'm just trying to figure out what happens when Faith comes home. If she's been…" He couldn't say the words. "You know, if she's hurting, I don't know how to help her."

  Xander nodded. "If she needs help, there are plenty of people trained to do that. I'm not sure if Bryon br
ought it up, but our team has a lady we all have to see every three months. She knows what we do. Bryon likes to make sure the job isn't getting to us. You'll have to see her too. I know she deals with children as well. If Faith needs help, we'll make sure she gets it."

  "I wasn't sure if meeting you guys was a blessing or not, but so far, it's helped me more than I probably ever will help the team. Even my best friend, Jason, won't sit out here and talk about things like this with me. I bring up the future and he says things like I should wait and see if she comes home first. It's so hard when all I need is for him to be understanding and supportive. Even my sister, there is so much I don't feel I can say to her. Talking with you, I don't feel as if I have to hold anything back. You aren't going to judge me for holding out hope or planning what I'm going to do once she comes through the front door again."

  "I guess everyone deals with things differently, but being her father, her only parent, only you can understand what you feel. It's not right or wrong. I'm glad the team and I can be there for you. Are you going to like working with the other geeks?" Xander grinned.

  "Hell, I was like a kid in a candy store when I walked into that room. The systems they have set up are amazing. I thought only the government had stuff like that. Some of it I'd only heard of, never seen. It's going to be amazing learning how to use it all. I can't imagine the capabilities of it." Matt could have spent days in there exploring the programs they had on their computers. He had skills, but nothing like Carter did. A lot of it was he didn't have the programs they did, but even then, it was going to take a while for him to learn everything and catch up his skills to where the others were. "It's amazing what your team has done."

  "It really is. Somehow, it's all come together. We work well together. You haven't met Beau or Kasey yet, but you'll like them too."

  "What does Beau do?"

  "He's a doctor. He's the one who makes sure we have what we need when we go in to take someone down. We drug them to keep them from being able to fight, then Kasey, Dyson, and I can do what we need to. The person still feels pain, still knows what is going on, watches the whole thing, but is unable to move."

  "That's horrifying."

  "Maybe, but you take a case like the one they are dealing with tonight, and somehow it seems justified."

  Matt nodded. "At first, I wondered why you didn't just kill them, but the more I thought about it, the more I saw that suffering for the rest of their lives would be better. The kids don't get to escape the pain, so why should they?"

  "That's the way I see it. When the group started, they didn't want to be murderers, but they wanted to make a statement, to scare others, and maybe make them think twice before they did anything to a child."

  "Have you ever had anyone come after you?"

  "I haven't, but I know Kasey had a problem a few years before I joined. I guess he was attacked at the scene of one of the stings. I don't know all the details, but there were more people there than they thought. He killed several before he could escape. It was after that, Bryon made the rule that we didn't rush into anything. We made sure we knew what and who we were dealing with before we jumped into action."

  "That's why he was so angry with you tonight."

  "That, and I was about to bring up something that we don't talk about. It's not my story to go into, but I stepped over a line I shouldn't have. The whole team knows not to bring it up. I spoke without thinking, my anger and emotions getting the best of me."

  "That happen often?" Matt grinned.

  Xander laughed. "That obvious?"

  "You're a passionate man."

  "I am about some things, others say I'm heartless. I shouldn't have gotten in Bryon's face the way I did. I'll apologize to him once the dust clears. We both needed time to calm down. I don't want you thinking we fight all the time. Honestly, it seldom happens, and usually only about what we are having for dinner when we meet."

  "Another beer?" Matt stood, wanting another for himself. It was the most relaxed he'd been in a long time. He still couldn't stop thinking about Faith, but for once, he didn't feel like he was suffocating in grief or feel that he had to spend every minute on the computer searching.

  "If you don't mind the company for another." Xander pulled out another cigarette.

  "I'll be right back." Matt headed inside, pausing as he looked at his computer, wondering how he was going to survive if he wasn't able to search the dark web from home anymore. It was going to drive him nuts. At least Bryon had told him he could spend as much time at the team house as he wanted.

  Being around others who weren't constantly consoling him about Faith was helping his mood. She was never far from his thoughts, but the heavy weight of not knowing where she was didn't feel as hard to handle.

  With two more beers in hand, he headed back outside to find Xander standing by the fence. He made his way to him, standing beside him, wondering what he was doing. "Everything okay?"

  "Look." Xander pointed to a small section of bushes that were against the fence.

  "What am I looking for?" Matt tried to see what Xander was looking at.

  "Lean down and look all the way into the back, right against the fence."

  Matt did as he was told, gasping when he saw what Xander was looking at. "Kittens?"

  "Yep, yours?"

  "No, we don't have any animals." Matt tried to count how many. "I see three. Any sign of their mother?"

  "She just jumped the fence. That's what got my attention, then I heard the kittens mewing once she was gone."

  "Shit, what do I do?"

  "Nothing for now. She might belong to a neighbor and decided your pet-free yard was a safe place to give birth." Xander kneeled beside him. "They don't look more than a few hours old."

  "Are they safe alone like this?" Matt had never owned a pet in his life.

  "Yeah, their mother probably just went to get food. I'm sure she'll be back. Keep an eye on them for a few days, if it looks like they're having issues, then you can deal with them."

  "I wouldn't even know how."

  "Call me, I'll help. My mother was a veterinarian. I grew up with more animals around the house than we should have ever had. She adopted every animal she could."

  "Wow, that must have made for an interesting childhood."

  "It was the only good thing about it." Xander glanced over at him.

  "Oh, sorry."

  "It's in the past." Xander stood. "At least now you know if you hear weird sounds at night, it's just the kittens."

  "Yeah, I would have probably freaked out. The first day after I got on the dark web, my paranoia went way up. I installed a new security system, bought new locks. I was convinced someone was going to come after me for digging around."

  "It's not that paranoid. If they thought you were a risk, some might come after you. It's a business to many of them. That's why Bryon is so strict about security and making sure we keep things safe. It's a dangerous group of people out there."

  Matt stood, handing one of the beers to Xander. "I'm seeing that now. I was lucky something didn't happen."

  "You were, but if you stick to the team house now, you'll be okay. Just stick to Facebook and email from home." Xander twisted the cap on the beer as he sat back down in the chair.

  "I probably won't even get online here anymore. I see myself spending a lot of time at the team house."

  "Just don't burn yourself out. It happens faster than you think. There's always work to do, new cases to research, new perps to follow. Don't forget who you are, and that there is life outside of what we do. Don't let the darkness consume you. When Faith comes home, you still want to be able to give her a normal life."

  Matt sighed. "Do you think she'll ever have a normal life after this?"

  "I know she will. Not a doubt in my mind. No matter what she's been through, she can get past it. It might take time, but she'll get there. With you by her side, she'll be just fine."

  Matt hoped Xander was right. Truth was, he was so scared she'd neve
r come home, but he refused to say that out loud. He refused to give the worry power. He had to keep hope alive. "When Jill died, I had no idea what to do. I let Jill handle everything when it came to Faith. I had so much to learn. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to know how to raise a little girl? It was a struggle. Now, with this, I feel that same fear."

  "Faith will let you know what she needs." Xander smiled. "And you're not alone. Your family will be there, both your real one and your new one."

  "Thanks." Matt took a swallow of beer. "So, do you have family?"

  "Nope, no one. Just the team. I was an only child, and I don't speak to my father, and my mother died when I was little. Like I said before, Dyson is like a brother, and the rest of the team maybe like cousins."

  Matt stared at Xander, understanding how the team could end up being so close. Working together the way they did, it would be impossible not to form bonds that went deep. Already, he was feeling more comfortable with Xander than he should so quickly. There was something about him that made him so easy to talk to. Maybe it was the fact he wasn't judging him, or maybe the fact that he was just willing to listen, but Matt craved whatever it was. "I'm glad you have the team then."

  "Me too. I'd probably be in prison if it wasn't for them." Xander played with the label on the beer bottle. "Bryon kept me from getting into a lot of trouble over the years."

  "You don't seem the type to risk your freedom."

  "For the right reasons any man would risk their freedom. I've had a lot of reasons."

  The comment made Matt wonder more about Xander and his life, but he didn't know him well enough to pry and ask questions. "Well, for my sake, I'm glad you're here and not in prison."

  "Me too." Xander laughed before taking the last swallow of his beer. He glanced at his phone as if looking to see if Dyson had called yet.

  "You worried?" Matt asked.

  "Not worried, but restless. I hate that I'm not part of this."

  "How about we go inside and find a way to distract ourselves. We can put a movie on or eat ice cream or whatever works." Matt stood.