Pain

by E. M. Leya

  He smiled, taking in Faith and Becca on the couch in front of the TV. "Hey, what are you doing here?" He went into the living room, sitting in a chair across from her. "I was going to come see you tonight."

  "Dad said he had to come into work for a bit. He's back with the other guys. Becca and I are watching The Lego Movie." She nodded to the TV. "You're staying, right?"

  Becca grinned at him, biting her lip as if holding back a snide comment.

  "Of course, now that I know you're here. You should have had your dad call me," he told Faith.

  "He said you didn't get back in town until late and needed to sleep."

  "He's right. It was really late, but I woke up early and went for a run."

  Faith made a face. "Why?"

  Xander shrugged. "It helps me think better sometimes."

  Faith stared at him. "Sad things?"

  He nodded. "Some of them."

  "Do you think running will help me?" She ignored the TV as she turned to fully face him.

  "I don't know. We all have things that help us. It's just a matter of finding out what works."

  "The lady yesterday, the therapist, she told me to write things down in a journal, but I don't like that idea. I don't want anyone to read what I'm thinking about all the time."

  Becca raised a brow at him.

  Xander ignored Becca, keeping his attention on Faith. "You'll find what works. It takes time, and it might be different things. Today a run helped me, but other times hiking helps, or even just eating ice cream."

  "Dad said you like ice cream." Faith laughed.

  "He told you that? Hmm, did he mention how much he likes it too?" Xander laughed.

  "Don't give away my secrets," Matt suddenly said from behind Xander.

  "I didn't know loving ice cream was a secret." Xander turned.

  "It is when Faith wants it all the time and I have to tell her no. If she knows how much I love it, she'll use it against me."

  Xander winked at Faith. "You wouldn't do that, would you?"

  "Maybe." Faith laughed.

  Xander glanced back at Matt. "You had to come in?"

  "For a few hours. Carter had an issue he needed help with on the computer. I think we know what we need to do, but it's going to be a few more hours. You got any plans?"

  Xander shook his head.

  "Do you mind keeping Faith company for a bit? I know Becca has to get into work soon."

  Becca nodded. "In an hour."

  "I don't mind at all, if Faith is okay with it. I can take her downstairs and show her the game room."

  Becca laughed, looking at Faith. "Don't get him started on video games. You'll be there all day."

  "Is there a lot of games?" Faith asked.

  "Tons, from pinball, to arcade games, to pool, and then a collection of video games they've all collected."

  "I want to see. Can I, Dad?"

  Matt grinned. "Are you okay alone with Xander?"

  "Of course." She rolled her eyes as if it was a stupid question.

  Xander was shocked how easily she trusted him. They'd talked a lot, but he'd seen how she reacted around other people. She clung to Matt and withdrew the moment anyone else tried to interact with her, especially men.

  "Then, by all means, go play. I'll be right down the hall if you need me. You can come up and knock on the door anytime." Matt bent and kissed Faith on the head.

  "Thanks." Faith stood up.

  Matt gripped Xander's shoulder. "Thank you."

  Xander met his stare, holding it for a moment. "You're welcome." He got up, ignoring the urge to hug Matt, and turned to Faith instead. "Come on. Let's find out what kind of gamer you are." He led her downstairs.

  He was glad they kept the place clean. Usually, it was just the guys down there, having a few beers and playing Mortal Kombat. Oddly, Bryon had a bunch of games for younger kids too. He'd never thought about it before, but as he turned on the lights and glanced at the game cases on the bookshelf, there were a lot that would be perfect for Faith.

  "So, did you have fun on your trip?" Faith flopped down in a beanbag.

  "I did," he lied, not about to tell her how fucked up the whole thing had been. "I went with a couple of guys that work here with your dad and me. You'll meet them soon."

  She nodded. "Dad says everyone here is really nice. I like Becca."

  "Me too." Xander turned on the TV. "Do you want to look and see if there's a game you like or know how to play?"

  "Sure." She went over and looked through the cases, finally pulling one out and setting it on the coffee table before stepping back.

  Xander didn't miss how she kept her distance from him. She might be okay with his company, but she wasn't okay with contact or closeness. He made a mental note to keep his distance, so he didn't freak her out.

  He put the video game in and for the next two hours, he laughed with Faith as they battled through one game after another. They were games he usually never played, so she was kicking his ass on most of them.

  He was surprised when Faith set the controller down and turned to him.

  "You said someone hurt you too when you were little?" She looked nervously at him.

  Unsure where this conversation would lead, he nodded. "I was about eight when it started, and it didn't stop until I was about fifteen."

  "That's a long time." She leaned back against the arm of the couch facing him as he sat on the other end.

  "Too long."

  "No one saved you the way the police saved me?"

  He shook his head. "No one knew, and I was too scared to tell. He said he'd kill me if I did."

  "The guy who hurt me told me that too. Do you think he will?" She bit her lip as she stared at him.

  "I promise you that he won't. He's locked up in jail right now, and will probably end up going to prison for a very long time. Even if he didn't, I promise you, I will make sure he never gets close to you again."

  "Did the guy who hurt you go to prison too?"

  Xander nodded. "He's still there and won't ever get out."

  "Good. I hope the guy who hurt me doesn't either." She stared at her hands for a minute. "Dad says I can talk to him, but I don't want to tell him anything. I don't want him sad that I was hurt."

  Xander tried to figure out what to say, sure that talking to Matt about this would be the best thing for Faith, but he also remembered how hard it had been for him to talk to anyone about what happened. "Your dad would be okay if you want to talk to him. He might be sad someone hurt you, but he'd be happy you're home now and that no one will hurt you again."

  "I'm not ready to talk to him. Katie says I don't have to if I'm not ready."

  "That's true, you don't. But it's important that if you do need to talk, you talk to someone like Katie."

  "Or you?" she asked. "Cause you were hurt too, so you understand."

  Xander nodded. "You can talk to me anytime if you want to."

  "I'm scared. Dad says no one will hurt me again, but I dream about them. The woman would make us dress in these really itchy clothes and then she'd take pictures of us. I hated those clothes."

  Xander forced himself to remain calm and not react to what she said. "You dream of her?"

  "Mostly, but sometimes of him. I don't like dreaming about him because that was when it hurt so bad. I wake up screaming, and Dad asks me if I'm okay, but I can't tell him, so I lie and act like I am, but really I am scared that they are going to come take me again."

  Xander wished he'd killed the couple who held her. At least then, he could tell Faith they were dead. "I still have dreams sometimes too."

  "What do you do?"

  "I sit in bed and focus on something else. Most of the time I'll stare at my tattoos and trace the lines. It helps calm me. It might be something different that works for you, but you could try counting Zee's stripes and running your finger over them."

  "That might work." She bit her lip, then looked back up at him. "I have to sleep with Dad to feel safe, but want to sleep
in my own bed too. How do I stop being scared?"

  "I don't know how. It's just something that will happen in time. There is nothing wrong with sleeping with your dad for now." Xander missed sleeping in Matt's bed too. He brushed his hand down his beard, forcing himself to focus on the conversation and not on where he wanted to lay his head at night. "Time is the only thing I know that will make it easier. Slowly, you'll start to feel safe again. Knowing that the bad guys are locked up and can't hurt you again helps too. Your dad put that new security system in. It's one of the best. No one is going to get in the house. I promise that."

  Faith nodded.

  "Tell me some stuff that makes you feel safe."

  "Um, Dad, Zee, you."

  He was surprised she included him. "That's good. I'm glad I make you feel safe, because you are safe anytime you're with me, just like you are with your dad."

  "Am I too old for a nightlight?" She played with a loose string on her pant leg.

  "I don't think so. I know adults who leave a light on. It's not a bad thing to want to see in the dark. Do you think that will help?"

  "Maybe. My room's so dark and there's shadows on the walls that scare me. I keep thinking it's them coming for me again."

  "We can get you a light. I'm sure we can find one you like. I bet if we look hard enough, we might even find one that's a zebra."

  "I'd like that." She grinned.

  "I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with being scared. I was too for a long time. A lot of men hurt me. So many that every time I'd have to leave the house I was scared I'd see one of them. Every day things got a little easier and I wasn't so scared. It took time, just like it will for you, but I promise, it will get better." He wished he could make it all okay now, but that wasn't going to happen. "Would you like to maybe learn karate or something? Would that help make you feel safer if you learned how to fight?"

  She chewed on her lip. "Can girls do that?"

  Xander laughed. "Girls can, and they do it well. I'll tell you a secret if you promise not to tell anyone I told you."

  She looked up at him as she nodded.

  "I was in the Army, and during training, there was this one girl. She was amazing. She grew up learning all kinds of things like karate and other stuff. She beat all of the boys in training. None of us could win if we had to spar with her."

  "Spar?"

  "Play fight. You fight to practice, but you don't really hurt each other."

  "And she beat you?"

  Xander nodded. "She beat all of us. It took her a lot of practice to get that good, but if you want, we can talk to your dad about signing you up for classes."

  "I'd have to go alone, right?"

  "You'd learn with a group of people, and your dad can be there in the room with you. It's like a gym class at school kind of." He didn't have any idea how to explain it to her.

  "Maybe, as long as I wasn't alone with people I don't know." She bit her lip again before looking up at him. "Will I have to go back to school?"

  Xander nodded. "It's kind of important to learn." He had no clue what Matt's plans were for that. "It's summer now, so you have time to figure out what you're going to do. I think there's still a month or two of summer vacation left. A lot can change in that time. Have you seen any of your friends yet?"

  "Melissa called and I talked to her, but she asked a lot of questions about what happened, and I didn't want to talk about it."

  "Did you tell her that?"

  "No, I felt bad."

  "Don't. Just be honest with your friends. They should understand. Get together and just play like you used to before all this happened. It will help." He had to remind himself how recent all this happened and be careful not to push her too hard.

  Faith sat up, swinging her legs down off the couch. "Will you tell Dad what we talk about?"

  Xander was already asking himself the same question. "Some of it. Like maybe your fear about going back to school, and you wanting a nightlight, and maybe about karate, but I won't tell him anything you don't want me to."

  "I don't want him to know what they did to me."

  "You know that the police told him? That the doctors had to tell him about your exams and stuff, right?"

  She nodded. "I know he knows, but I don't want to have to talk to him about it."

  "That's okay. You don't have to. You can talk to Katie or anyone else you're comfortable talking about it to."

  "How long will I have to see Katie?"

  Xander shrugged. "I still see Katie."

  "You do?"

  "Not as often as I used to, but I still go in every couple of months to talk about things." She didn't need to know that it was mostly about team stuff now. He just wanted her to know it was okay to talk to her and not feel like she was weak because she went in.

  "Hmm…" She stood and went to one of the beanbags, flopping down in it. "Dad needs to get some of these for my room. I like them." She puffed the area around her head before relaxing.

  "I'll tell him that." Xander smiled as he leaned back on the couch and blew out a long breath. He hoped he helped her, but it was hard knowing what was right or wrong to say. All he could do was go by his own past and try and guide her in the right direction.

  He glanced back over at her, finding her asleep. He watched her for a long time, glad she was comfortable enough with him to let her guard down. He turned the volume to the TV down all the way and put in his favorite game, wondering how much longer Matt would be.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Matt made his way down the stairs to the game room, surprised when he got to the bottom and found Faith sound asleep in a large, green bean bag. He quietly walked over to where Xander was playing a game and sat down beside him. "Sorry that took so long." He kept his voice low.

  "It's okay. We had fun." Xander ended the game and turned to Matt. "Everything okay?"

  Matt nodded. "Carter needed help getting through some security stuff at one of the new sites he's found. It was a mess, but we got in." He glanced at Faith. "I figured it was safe to bring her here."

  "It was. It's good for her to meet the people you work with, but I could use a smoke."

  "We can go upstairs. She'll be okay." Matt glanced back at Faith. Xander had been with her for hours, and it wasn't like him to go that long without smoking.

  "You're sure?"

  "Yeah. I leave her alone in bed when I get up. It's time she gets used to being alone sometimes." Matt stood, walking up the steps, Xander following behind.

  "She mentioned that. She wants a nightlight or something."

  "For her room?"

  "I think so."

  Matt nodded. "We can get one. What else did she say?"

  Xander stepped outside and lit a cigarette. "We talked about a lot of things. She's scared, rightfully so, nervous they'll come back and get her." He blew out a long trail of smoke, then reached over and pulled Matt to him. "I've missed you." He bent his head and kissed him softly.

  Matt relaxed against Xander, his body instantly leaning into him, finding comfort in his touch and closeness as he kissed him back. When he broke the kiss, he smiled. "I've missed you too."

  Xander continued to hold Matt against him. "Faith is strong, but it's going to take time to open up. She's thinking about a lot, but scared to mention it to anyone. She's trying to protect you, keep you from hurting more than she already knows you are." Xander brushed his lips over Matt's neck. "She's nervous about school starting, things like that."

  "Yeah, I'm not sure how to handle that one." Matt pressed his forehead to Xander's strong chest. "School scares me too."

  "At least the job you have now will let you drop her off and pick her up. The sooner you can get her back into normal routines, the better she'll be."

  Matt nodded, wondering why Faith would talk to Xander about all this instead of him. "She did well in therapy, but I felt like she was holding back."

  "She probably is, but it's all new. Katie hasn't earned her trust yet. In time, s
he'll get used to her and open up a bit more. It takes time, sometimes even years. She's only been home a week. She's doing pretty amazing so soon." Xander turned Matt, drawing him so his back was to his chest, then wrapping an arm around him. "How are you doing?"

  "I'm struggling. So scared I'm going to say or do something wrong. I don't know what she needs. How do I assure her she's safe? I watch her jump at the slightest sound, see her watching over her shoulder. I want to make it all okay." Matt closed his eyes, wondering if things would ever get back to normal, and if not, how did he at least make it easier.

  "It's just going to take time. You can't rush healing." Xander lifted his head up as he took another drag off his smoke.

  "I'm glad you showed up today. I was worried what I'd do when Becca left."

  "You should have called me. I'm always happy to hang with Faith. She kicked my ass on Mario Kart."

  Matt laughed. "That's always been one of her favorites."

  "It's good to hear you laugh," Xander whispered against his ear.

  Matt smiled. "It's been a while since I felt like laughing." He arched his head back. "I miss our time."

  "So do I." Xander's palm splayed over Matt's stomach as he bent and kissed him.

  "Dad?"

  Matt tensed as he saw Faith in the doorway, but Xander's arm tightened around him, refusing to let him step away like he wanted to. He prayed his cheeks weren't as red as they felt. "Hey, you. Get a good nap?"

  She looked at him, then up at Xander. "Are you dating my dad?"

  Matt wondered why she asked Xander and not him.

  "Would you mind if I was?" Xander asked, still not letting Matt go.

  She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, tilting her head as she looked at them. "I didn't know you liked boys."

  "Me?" Matt asked, not sure if she was asking him or Xander.

  "Well, both of you."

  Matt smiled. "Does it bother you if I do?"

  She shook her head.

  "I like Xander," Matt told her.

  She smiled. "I like him too."

  Xander kissed Matt's cheek. "So, this is okay with you? You'll let me date your dad?"

  "You won't leave me alone, will you?"

  Matt pulled from Xander's arm and kneeled in front of Faith. "No, I won't leave you. Not until you're ready for me to, and even then, you'd be with Grandma or Aunt Trish." He hugged her. "It would just mean Xander might be around the house more. He would hang out with us."