R.I.L.Y Forever

by Norah Bennett

  Finished warming up, Ethan found his rhythm on the pavement and let his muscles and joints take over the running, while his brain did double duty, cataloging the scenery for review later and reviewing the previous day’s surprising events. He ran down Spring Street, the town’s main drag lined with a variety cafés, diners, boutiques, and antique shops on both sides. People recognized him and many waved or called out a greeting. He returned their gestures, warmed by their acceptance of the stranger amongst them. He loved this charming town of 8,000 inhabitants. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to get out of Boston and to land in this well-kept secret, deep in the woods of Northwest Jersey.

  He left Boston in hopes of starting fresh, rebuilding, and finding some peace. So far, his decision to move was the right one. For the last few weeks the farmhouse consumed his time and when he wasn’t mired deep in it, he enjoyed reconnecting with his friends. A great new job, new house, loyal friends—what more could a man ask for? He was content and at peace … until last night. Julia. What were the chances he would pick the one small town in America Jules lived in to start fresh? It was absurd.

  He was convinced that chapter in his life was done. For years he struggled to put her behind him, to accept he would never see her again and never find the answers to the questions that plagued him. He made his peace with the past long ago and got over his hurt and anger at the way they parted. At least that’s what he thought. Dealing with death every day, he learned the value of life. He forgave them both for the mistakes they made as teenagers. But seeing her yesterday triggered all kinds of conflicting emotions and a deluge of memories he had trouble sifting through.

  What it came down to was he wasn’t a saint. Part of him, the adult reasonable version of himself, was happy to see her. The teenaged, love-struck boy never got over his confusion, hurt, and anger at being thrown away like he was nothing more than safety blanket she outgrew. He harbored no doubt what he’d felt for her was real and her abandonment changed him forever. He became reserved and distant with everyone but his patients, always holding a part of himself back. He never told Alyssa about Jules, but she sensed there had been another. Many times she even accused him of having an affair and nothing he said or did convinced her otherwise. Perhaps she was right. Jules was the third person in their marriage, the third person in their bed, and the only person in his heart.

  No matter how angry he was or how hurt he was, he was damn happy he stumbled back into her life. He didn’t know what it meant or where it would lead, but for some reason fate brought them back into each other’s lives again. At the age of sixteen Jules moved into his heart, becoming a permanent resident. He carried her with him everywhere he went. It was evident by Julia’s reaction yesterday she too carried a part of him with her. She didn’t stop living her life, but she carried him with her. The evidence was in her eyes and around her neck. The problem was, for him, her memory was not a burden. That clearly wasn’t the case for her.

  Julia’s emotional outburst intrigued and alarmed him. His sudden appearance was unexpected surprise, but why the tears? She was the one who walked away. More importantly, why the fear? He was certain he saw panic and fear on her face and in her eyes. He loved her expressive, big green eyes, which her daughter inherited. When she stopped crying and pulled away from him, for a few seconds, her guard was down. The pain and loneliness that lingered in her eyes nearly brought him to his knees. Every protective instinct he ever felt for her reignited like a flame to a can of gasoline. The years and circumstances separating them disintegrated leaving only her, his girl, standing in his arms crying, trembling, telling him how much she missed him, and how good it was to see him. That was it. She had him again. He couldn’t help himself.

  There was much to be said and much to uncover, but there was time now she was back in his world. First, he wanted to figure who or what put fear in Julia’s eyes. All signs indicated she too had changed and she wasn’t going to make this easy. She spent most of the time at Lexi’s avoiding any direct conversation with him. Like a mama bear watching over her cub, she observed him closely as he held Lilly. She ate and drank little and when the topic of how they knew each other came up over dinner, she was quick to dismiss it with a brief explanation they dated in high school. No one believed she was telling the full story, but the other women moved in to protect her and changed the topic of conversation. This was how it went all through dinner. The instant dinner was over, Julia scooped Lilly out of his arms and bid them all goodnight.

  Lost in his thoughts, Ethan was surprised to find himself standing in front of the farmhouse once more. He was so distracted, he’d finished his morning tour of the town but couldn’t remember a single thing he passed or even what streets he took to loop back. He shook his head and got a sense of déjà vu. When Julia was in his life, he often lost time like this. When they weren’t physically together or speaking on the phone, he was absorbed in thoughts of her. It used to drive his parents insane not being able to control his thoughts, yet another aspect of his life they wanted full reign over.

  Ethan stretched, drank a couple bottles of water, and showered. He drove to Frank’s Diner in the center of town and parked his new Ford F-150 in one of the few spaces left on the street. Two weeks ago he traded in his BMW for the pickup, and although he loved it and didn’t miss the BMW one bit, he was still learning how to maneuver it around town. Finding a parking space and being able to park the monster was a fantastic way to start the day.

  From the street, the delicious scent of coffee, syrup, and bacon filled his nose and his stomach growled in anticipation, begging to be fed. Ethan went inside and scanned the tables for an open seat. He didn’t care where he sat as long as he could get food and coffee fast. His eyes landed on the slim figure of a woman with long, straight hair the color of honey that fell down her back in a thick sheet. She sat in a corner booth wrestling the salt and pepper shakers out of the hands of one persistent, curly-headed blonde toddler in a hot-pink sweat suit with the word “Angel” printed on her bottom in white block letters.

  As he made his way to their table, he couldn’t help the grin that suffused his face. Poor Julia was flushed and frazzled as she grabbed one item after another out of Lilly’s hand while lecturing the little girl. Lilly wasn’t impressed by what she was hearing because she reached for Julia’s partially-full coffee cup just as he made it to the table and scooped her up.

  “Angel baby, what are you doing to your poor mama this morning? She looks like she’s about to have a coronary.”

  Lilly squealed and fisted Ethan’s shirt in her tiny hand.

  “Hi,” she said. She flashed a devilish grin at him and favored him with a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

  “Hi yourself.” Ethan smiled at the squirming bundle in his arms and leaned into her, his eyelashes brushing against her skin as he blinked. He whispered in her ear, “Butterfly kisses for you, angel face.”

  Lilly giggled and threw her chubby arms around his neck, holding him close as he sat across from Julia.

  Sitting Lilly on his lap, he gave her his keys to play with. He glanced up to see Julia gawking at him. Her beautiful face was pink and her eyes flashed. But the thing that completed the scene for him was the message on her t-shirt. “You couldn’t handle me, even if I came with instructions.” It was hilarious and couldn’t be more perfect. Ethan had to exercise a significant amount of control not to burst out laughing because he was certain if he did, she would throw her coffee at him.

  It was good to see time hadn’t changed Julia’s low-maintenance style or her sense of humor. In their time together, she never wore makeup unless she had to for an evening event. Her skin had been flawless and it still was. Julia was comfortable with who she was, and didn’t try to hide under makeup or fancy clothes as so many women did, including Alyssa. He wondered if she still preferred shopping at discount retail stores and secondhand shops to big department stores.

  “Good morning, sunshine. How are you today? Hope you don’t mind me joi
ning you.”

  “Morning” Julia grumbled. “It doesn’t look like I have a choice since you’ve already made yourself comfortable. What are you doing here and what did you say to my child?”

  “My aren’t we grumpy this morning. Haven’t had your coffee yet? If I remember correctly, you can be a bit temperamental if you don’t get your morning dose of caffeine.”

  “No, I haven’t had enough coffee yet. The little monster in your lap has been awake and up to no good since five. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear she was out to kill me.”

  “Hang on. Sit and decompress and let me see what I can do to help you.” Waving a waitress over, Ethan ordered coffee for both of them and asked for a menu. He gave the waitress his most engaging smile and asked if she had any crayons and paper for the little angel in his lap.

  The harried young waitress froze in the midst of pouring their coffee with her mouth hanging. Then she caught herself and gave him a shy smile. She went out of her way to please him, bringing coffee, crayons, paper, and even a Sippy cup of apple juice for Lilly Julia swore she ordered along with their meal thirty minutes prior.

  “Some things never change. I see you’re still using that smile to get whatever you want,” Julia mumbled as she put cream in her coffee and began drinking it in haste.

  Ethan didn’t know anyone who could drink scalding hot coffee like that and not burn their mouth raw. “I do what I have to. As for angel, I don’t know what you’re complaining about. She’s behaving beautifully, aren’t you sweetness?”

  Lilly looked up from her coloring, flashed him a grin and said, “Yesh.”

  “See, I told you. She’s angelic.”

  “Great, now you’ve got my kid falling for that grin. Whatever! If I can get a few minutes of quiet and coffee, I’ll take it. What are you doing here anyway?”

  “Same thing you are, breakfast. I live only a mile from here. I passed this place yesterday on my run and thought I’d try it. You come here often?”

  “Lilly and I live a few miles away. We come here at least once a week when I have a late shift and we can get a slower start in the morning. Of course, that usually means sleeping in past 5 a.m., but Lils had different plans for us today. Where in Lakes Crossing do you live?”

  “I bought an old colonial farmhouse at the edge of town. It needs some work, but it has great bones. Just needs a good facelift.”

  “A farmhouse? Oh my God, you don’t mean the old Johnson farm on Renner, do you? That place doesn’t need a facelift, it needs a wrecking ball. Jesus, Ethan, were you drunk when you looked at that place? I know you like a good challenge, but honestly, that place is about to collapse.”

  “Well now, that’s no way to speak about my humble abode. It has its challenges, but all it needs is some TLC. You and all your doubting friends will eat your words once it’s done. It’s a diamond in the rough, that’s all.”

  “Ethan, did you get scammed into buying that place? Seriously, it’s a health hazard. It should be condemned. You don’t actually live there now, do you?”

  “Yup, I moved in to one of its many rooms. Adam has been helping me redecorate a bit. You should come by sometime. It’s a charmer. I bet it wins your heart when you see what I’ve done with it.”

  “Is there running water or electricity in that dump? I bet it’s infested with all kinds of animals and bugs.”

  “Again, I think you have the wrong impression of my castle. It took a couple of weeks, but yes, I have running water. In fact, I have it in abundance, even in places it shouldn’t be. I see it as an added bonus, though. I also have electricity, and yes some wildlife I’m still negotiating squatters’ rights with.”

  “Oh Ethan, what have you done? You can’t live there.”

  Seeing the look of horror on her face and hearing the concern in her voice mixed with her unique blend of teasing, Ethan couldn’t help himself. He threw back his head and laughed. It was good to let go. It’d been so damn long since he had anything to laugh about and someone to share a smile with. God, he missed her. He missed having her in his life. He didn’t care about the past. He missed the sound of her voice and the way those emerald eyes flashed at him in laughter or irritation.

  It felt like he’d been around the world and back, constantly in search of something or someone and that someone was her. From the second he left her sitting by the creek behind the high school twenty-two years ago, to the instant his eyes met hers last night he was adrift. Nothing made sense in his world, nothing felt right, until now. He survived, just as she did. He went through the motions and built another life, just as she did. But he was lost without her when she was lost to him.

  Chapter Three

  Julia drank in Ethan as his body shook with laughter. She savored the sound of his rich, husky voice and the sound of his happy laughter filled her with joy. Her heart did its own happy conga as butterflies danced in her stomach. She loved sitting here with him, acting like they didn’t have a painful past, like they had no worries in the world. She knew better.

  As much as she enjoyed being near him, she had to shut this down before her heart took over. Her heart was a fool. Her brain was smarter and reminded her—friends, okay, anything else, absolutely not. She couldn’t go there with him or with anyone else. Been there, done that, and almost lost everyone she cared about in the process. She gave herself a mental slap. He would be too easy to love and if she allowed it, her stupid, fragile heart would get torn into shreds in the storm that followed. Nothing good ever lasted, not for her anyway.

  Lilly sat happily next to Ethan, making a hell of a mess with her breakfast. As wonderful as Ethan was with Lilly, he wasn’t her father and never would be. Lilly had a father, as worthless as he was. Matt was the name of the sperm donor, not Ethan. Julia had to protect Lilly because her sweet baby was too fragile to withstand a storm. As it was, she had to figure out what to do about Matt. One man making a mess of her life was quite enough.

  “Mama, more. Mama, more.” Lilly held up the empty juice cup.

  “Lilly, what are you supposed to say when you ask for something?”

  Lilly furrowed her brow. “Um, thank-um?”

  “Good try baby. Say please.”

  “No. No.”

  “Lilly, say, ‘please may I have more juice?’ or you won’t be getting any. Do you understand?”

  Julia locked eyes with Lilly across the table and a war of wills was declared. Lilly gave in first. She dropped her eyes and then the empty cup on the table. She turned and buried her head in Ethan’s lap. Julia glared at a smiling Ethan and shook her head. He held his hands up in surrender, but couldn’t keep the grin off his face.

  “You know, Julia, I think the word ‘please’ is a great word to use. It’s better than ‘no’ or ‘more,’ or any other word. Only big girls use the word ‘please.’ Do you think Lilly is a big girl or a baby?”

  Before Julia could answer, Lilly’s head popped up. She looked at Ethan then Julia and quickly said, “Pu-weese, Mama.”

  Julia stared daggers at Ethan and answered Lilly. “Okay. Good job, Lilly.”

  Julia flagged down a waitress and ordered a refill for Lilly. She turned back to Ethan who was coloring under Lilly’s guidance.

  “Tell me, Ethan, do you have children? You’re pretty good with them, even for a pediatrician.” Ethan’s eyes clouded and a variety of emotions crossed his features before he looked away. But Julia saw the pain and was overwhelmed by guilt. After all the pain she’d already caused him, she didn’t want to be the source of any more. She somehow touched on a tender topic, but after so many years there were bound to be hidden mines and grenades everywhere.

  “I’m sorry, Eth, I didn’t mean to pry. You’re really good with her, that’s all.”

  “It’s fine. No, Alyssa and I never had children.”

  “Alyssa?”

  “Alyssa is my ex-wife, as of a month ago. She wasn’t fond of children.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. We marr
ied for all the wrong reasons. I wanted a family and she wanted a life of pretty dresses and parties. While we grew up in the same social circles, we were worlds apart in what we needed to be happy. Sad to say, but the wedding and the divorce were the highlights of our years together.”

  “God, Ethan, that sounds terrible. I am sorry. If it makes you feel any better, my story isn’t much different. Matt and I were married for eight years. We’ve been divorced for almost two years, but we separated before Lilly was born. He was never satisfied with what we had. Actually, he was never satisfied with anything. He wanted the life you describe, the one filled with money and fancy parties. He didn’t want a family or a child, and in the end, he didn’t want me either.”

  “Sounds like he has a lot in common with my ex.”

  Julia shrugged. “I guess you could say that.” She dropped her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself. She couldn’t help but remember the mess her marriage had been and Matt’s unending criticism of her. He managed to find fault with everything: how she dressed, walked, talked, wore her hair, kept the house, cooked, etc. She could do nothing right in his eyes and she took it all without complaint, trying to make him happy. Like many women, she thought if she changed, if she became what he wanted, he’d love her.

  The bottom fell out when he found out she was pregnant, and all hell broke loose. On the day her divorce was final Julia made a promise to herself. No matter what, she’d never let another man make her feel so desperate to be loved, she’d lose herself in the process of making him happy.

  “I’m sorry Jules. Sounds like you had a bad time of it. You know, I saw Matt with you once, at Ella’s funeral. I guess that must have been around the time you were pregnant with Lilly, right?”

  Julia’s eyes shot up. “You were at Ella’s funeral? I didn’t see you.”

  “No, you wouldn’t have. There were many people there and you were distraught. I didn’t want to add to your burden. Mom told me of Ella’s passing and I wanted to pay my respects. I loved her too.”