Julia couldn’t believe Ethan had been there. Ella had loved him like a son and she would’ve wanted him there. Ella died suddenly of a brain aneurysm and Julia had been out of her mind with grief. She and Matt had been arguing almost continuously at that point, and then Ella died. On top of that she started to feel sick and thought it was a virus made worse by the stress of Ella’s death, not knowing she was pregnant.
“I’m glad you were there. She loved you. It was a terrible time. Her death was so unexpected. I never had a chance to tell her about Lilly. I found out I was pregnant after the funeral. I think she would have been thrilled to know she was going to be a grandma. I named Lilly after Ella. Lilly was Ella’s middle name. She always said she liked the name Lilly better and one day she was going to change her name officially.”
“You’re right. She would’ve loved to meet this little angel and would’ve told you what a great mom you are. She would’ve been there for you when things fell apart with Matt. He’s missing out on the best thing life’s got to offer right here.”
Ethan nodded at Lilly and smiled. He wiped her daughter’s mouth and brushed the curls out of her eyes. Julia’s heart ached. She wished she could blink and the world would be different.
Alyssa was an idiot and she bet most women in the country would agree with her.
“Thanks. Eth. You’re going to be a great dad someday. Lilly doesn’t share her kisses with just anyone. You have to be special for her to dole those out. I hardly get one a day.”
“Well, she’s sweet. She’s just like her mama, all fire and attitude on the outside, marshmallow sweetness on the inside.”
Julia’s face burned with the compliment. It had been a long time since a man said something sweet to her. She reached for the necklace around her neck and rubbed her thumb over the heart in a tender caress.
“Well, we’d better be going. It was nice running into you today, but Lilly and I have to get back so I can drop her off at the sitter’s and get ready for work.”
“It was nice seeing you as well. Listen, Jules, I’d love to see you again. We have a lot to catch up on. How about we meet for dinner this week? Any day, any time is fine with me. I don’t start at the hospital until next week.”
Ethan wanted to see her again? She should be happy. Instead, Julia was terrified. She wasn’t afraid of him, but of the feelings he awakened in her. She’d been here before with him and to a degree with Matt. Each time she was foolish enough to let someone in, she barely survived the deep wounds left behind when disaster struck. She had the scars to prove it.
Julia was still recovering from Matt’s abandonment. She didn’t need a psychiatrist to know her self-esteem and self-confidence took a hit. She was putting her life back together day by day, trying to find herself and she wasn’t ready to put her heart or Lilly’s on the line. Her first concern was to protect Lilly.
Julia was finally getting good at the single mom stuff and she couldn’t be tempted to consider any other future. It had been a hard road, but she survived and embraced the fact she would be raising her daughter predominantly on her own. She and Lilly had a routine, a rhythm to their lives that couldn’t be interrupted, not even for him. Their lives were busy and rich with work, friends, and new places to explore every second she was free. She couldn’t rock the boat now, not when she worked so hard to find balance and peace.
“Thank you, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not? It’s only dinner.”
“Eth, I’m not ready for this. I’m never going to be ready for this. I’m still trying to figure out my life post-divorce. You just got divorced. We have a messy past. It’s not a good idea. I’m sorry.”
“You know, before we were anything, we were good friends, the best of friends. I don’t know about you, but I could always use a good friend. I’m not pushing for anything else. I’ve missed my best friend.”
He wanted to be friends? After all this time and all that happened, how could he want to be friends? If she was honest with herself, she wanted this too. Next to Aimee, Ethan had been her only close friend, the only other person who knew her inside and out. But he confused her—she didn’t understand his motives. Had he forgotten the way they ended?
“I’m sorry, but I have to ask. It’s making me nuts. Why aren’t you mad at me, at the way we ended? How could you still want to be my friend, my anything? I don’t understand, Eth. You’re a nice guy, but it was bad. What I did was terrible. If this is some ploy to get me in a quiet place to tell me off, let me save you the trouble. Do it now. I know I deserve it.”
Julia had prepared for this moment for a long time. She wanted it to be over. She wanted him to yell and scream at her and finally put her out of her misery.
Ethan smiled and reached for her hand. She tried to pull it away, but he was stronger and held on. He caressed her palm with his thumb and said, “Easy Jules. I’m not going to hurt you. I promise. Just breathe.”
She took in a big gulp of air and broke eye contact with him long enough to glance down to find Lilly engrossed in opening up all the sugar packets and pouring them into every water glass on the table.
“You know,” Ethan said in a soft voice, “I’ve been waiting for you to ask me that question. No, this isn’t a ploy to tell you off. We do have a lot to talk about. It’s time we put the past to rest and move on. Two decades have passed. We both grew up. Much has happened, I…”
He released her hand and rubbed the back of his neck.
“Look, have dinner with me and we’ll talk. Don’t we owe each other that? Some closure after all these years?”
He was right. But there was safety here, with a whole diner of people looking on. The problem was she had difficulty saying no to Ethan when he looked at her with those soft gray eyes. She caved. “Okay, fine. Dinner. But it will have to wait till Friday.”
“Okay.”
“And, it’ll have to be at my place because I don’t leave Lilly with a sitter unless I’m working.”
“Okay.”
“And I’m not cooking ’cause I’ll be working all day.”
“I’ll bring Chinese. I think I remember what you like. Anything else?”
“Yes, take that self-satisfied grin off your face. It doesn’t suit you at all.”
Ethan chuckled. “I’ll try, but it’s hard.”
Julia stood, threw some bills on the table and gathered Lilly’s bag.
“Come on, Lils. Say goodbye to Ethan. We have to go.” Julia wiped Lilly’s sugary hands with a napkin and scooped her into her arms.
“Bye, E,” Lilly said, throwing Ethan air kisses with her little hand.
Ethan reached for the child and kissed the top of her head. “Bye angel. Be good for your mama today. See you soon.”
All the way home, Julia floated on air while berating herself for giving in. What was the point of starting up with Ethan again? One thing would lead to another where he was concerned. She knew that with a certainty. Ella always said she never tried to keep them apart because what was the point? Whenever they were in the same room, they were drawn together like peanut butter and jelly.
Ella had been a smart woman and she tried her best to get Julia to reconsider her decision to break it off with Ethan. Although Julia never told her the real reason behind their traumatic break up, Ella was a mother and she saw the pain in Julia’s eyes and the evidence of the heavy weight she carried. She lectured her for hours about secrets and how destructive they were when given power. But Julia wouldn’t and couldn’t listen. If only she had, things may have turned out differently.
But how was it their paths crossed again after so many years? She’d accepted the fact she’d never have Ethan in her life and built a new life without him. When that world collapsed, she convinced herself it was okay to be alone. Unlike many people in the world who never experienced true joy, she had her dose of happy and wore the evidence around her neck. The love she’d shared with Ethan was powerful. It tattooed itself on her heart and in
her mind forever. She remembered every second they’d spent together and that movie reel was available for a replay at any time. That was enough for her. Few people ever experienced that type of beauty.
Julia remembered the first time she laid eyes on Ethan Sullivan. It was the first day of her sophomore year and she just celebrated her sixteenth birthday the day before. Aimee was assigned to a different section of biology and Julia sat in the back of the room nervously anticipating the start of the class. All summer she dreaded this day. The thought of having to dissect any creature was nauseating. She tried everything to get out of taking the course, but her protestations fell on deaf ears. To make things worse, all of her friends were assigned to another section. She was alone, miserable, and feeling sorry for herself as only a teenaged girl can do.
Ethan was new to the school, although everyone knew of his wealthy political family. He confidently strode into the class, scanned the room for an open seat, and locked in on her. Their eyes met and a connection was made unlike anything she’d ever experienced. He smiled at her and she melted in her chair. There wasn’t any time to make introductions. The bell rang and he took a seat, right across the aisle from her. For the next hour Julia didn’t hear a single word the teacher said. She’d suddenly become deaf. All she heard was the sound of her heart beating and she saw no one but him. Later, when their friendship bloomed into much more, he told her he experienced the same thing.
That day, in biology class, he passed her a note asking her out. She declined, but he was persistent, thank God. She insisted she didn’t know him well enough to go out with him and he wrote, “That’s easy to fix. I’m Ethan Sullivan.” He spent the next forty-five minutes passing her message after message, telling her all the important things he thought she needed to know about him.
“I moved here from Chicago.”
“I play football, but I’m addicted to board games. Want to play Twister with me?”
“I love pizza, but hate cherries. They’re the pits.”
“I don’t have a favorite color, but I love the color of your eyes.”
“I’m an only child and I’m used to getting what I want.”
Time flew and right before the bell rang, he finally wrote, “Say yes.”
By that time, she’d completely forgotten he’d asked her out and she wrote, “To what?”
“To me. Say yes to me.”
She read those words over and over again, turned her head and looked right into his hopeful eyes. With a huge grin that left no doubt to what she was feeling, she whispered, “Yes.”
He didn’t know it, and maybe one day she’d show it to him, but she kept that piece of paper knowing, at the end of the day, she’d always say yes to Ethan Sullivan. She’d said yes then knowing she had absolutely no other choice, and she said yes today, feeling the very same way.
Chapter Four
Last night was ladies’ night. As always, bonding with her girls energized and exhausted Julia and she wouldn’t have it any other way. On Wednesday she texted the girls, Lexi, Christine, and Aimee, and declared an emergency ladies’ night for the next evening. That was the beauty of having great girlfriends who came to your rescue at the drop of a hat. Even before Aimee moved to New Jersey three years ago, they had their ladies’ night via Internet. They decompressed over wine and poured their hearts out to each other. It didn’t matter if they were in the same room or even the same state. They were always there for one another.
Aimee had been in Julia’s life for as long as she could remember. They first met in grade school and Julia was fascinated by Aimee’s fiery red hair. In recess one day she asked Aimee if she could touch it. It was the beginning of a special friendship that spanned decades. The only thing that separated them was college, but that was physical distance. While Julia attended Holy Cross University on a full scholarship, Aimee stayed in Indiana to help her father take care of her younger sisters and her mother who had an aggressive form of multiple sclerosis.
Lexi joined ladies’ night and the circle of trust a little over a year ago, bringing Christine with her. Julia was given Lexi’s name from some nurses at the hospital who hired her to handle their divorce. They said she was easy to talk to, but a force to be reckoned with. This, she had in common with her brother, Adam, a well-known cardiac surgeon at Lakes Julia worked with on occasion. At first, it was all business with Lexi, but that didn’t last long as the women found they had much in common.
While Christine was the same age as Aimee and Julia, Lexi was five years younger, but she was surprisingly mature. Together the women formed a tight circle of friendship and support. There was nothing they wouldn’t do for one another. They rounded each other out well, each bringing their unique life experiences and gifts to share. Julia thanked God for their friendship daily. They kept her sane and stopped her from killing Matt on a number of occasions.
Ladies’ night was traditionally held once a month. However, anyone in the group could call an emergency meeting and this was a frequent occurrence. Some ladies’ nights were a free-for-all with the women unloading their troubles at random. But last night was all about Julia and the men in her life. The women usually met at a nearby restaurant or bar, but this time everyone came to Julia’s house because, once again, Matt decided not to show up to watch Lilly.
Lilly was too young to be disappointed by her father’s absence, but Julia was beside herself. It was almost a month since Matt last saw his daughter. When he made an appearance, it would be disruptive and traumatic for Lilly. Matt was fading out of Lilly’s life. Julia tried to explain to him a month away from Lilly was a year in Lilly time. Each time he stayed away for long periods, he lost any bond he built with her and had to start over again. Now when Matt reappeared into Lilly’s life and tried to take her for the day, she refused to go to him. When she relented, she came back a changed little girl. Something had to be done.
It was about time Matt made a decision regarding the role he was willing to play in Lilly’s life. He had to either man-up and be a real father, or get out of her life. Lexi didn’t think it was going to be easy. Although she didn’t specialize in custody cases, she was well versed on their legalities. She warned Julia if she went for full custody, it would be difficult, messy and costly, especially if Matt contested it.
Things could go Julia’s way if she let Lexi use all the dirt she compiled on Matt. Julia, however, refused to go down that path unless she was out of options. While he wouldn’t win Father-of-the-Year any time soon, he wasn’t a terrible father. What Julia wanted was for Lilly to have everything she never had—a real family and father who loved her to pieces. Julia grew up craving the love and security of a family.
Then there was Ethan. Julia put the women off all week telling them she needed time to process her feelings about Ethan before talking about it. God love her, Aimee let her be, knowing when Julia was ready to talk, she would. Lexi and Christine were harder to convince. Neither knew Julia and Ethan’s story, but they were smart and sensitive enough to know there was a story.
By the end of the night, after several bottles of wine were consumed, Lexi and Christine knew most of the story. There were some things Julia would never share with anyone other than Aimee who’d witnessed the whole sordid mess. While the other women understood her reluctance to start things back up with Ethan, they wanted her to be happy. And he was her chance at happiness. It was obvious to them she still cared a great deal for him and they told her as much. Despite her protestations and fears, they convinced her putting the past to rest would be healthy for both of them and there was no harm in having dinner with him.
Dinner with Ethan.
Crap! Where had the time gone?
Julia glanced at the kitchen clock and panicked. Ethan would arrive in thirty minutes. It was late when the girls left last night and she hadn’t tidied up. She raced around the house clearing the evidence of their drinking and munching. Her house was a small multi-level structure deep in the woods. It had three small bedrooms, a bat
hroom, family room, and kitchen. It was easy to mess up and easy to clean. She loved her home and it showed. Every inch of it was decorated for comfort, with oversized leather furniture, colorful throw pillows, knickknacks, and photos of people and places she loved.
She and Matt lived in this house since they married. At first they were renters until shortly after Ella died. The elderly couple that owned the house said they would be happy to sell it to them when they were ready, but Matt never wanted to buy it. He complained it was old and they could do better. When Ella suddenly died, Julia was the sole beneficiary of her substantial life insurance policy. She bought the house, and with it, some security for herself and Lilly.
With Lilly’s help, Julia finished the last of the dishes. She started the dishwasher and was about to sit Lilly down for her dinner when her cell rang. She grabbed it from her back pocket, glanced at the display, and sighed.
Matt. Now he calls? She wondered if he would apologize this time for missing a date with his daughter. As she wrestled Lilly into her high chair, placing her dinner in front of her, she answered.
“Hello, Matt.”
“Julia, I’ll be over in the morning around ten to take Lilly. Dress her up a bit. We’re having a family photo taken. Nothing too crazy, please. Go for elegant and subtle. Better give me a couple of outfits in case Carla doesn’t like what you’ve chosen.”
“Hello to you too, Matt, and no, you cannot take Lilly tomorrow. You were supposed to watch her last night, remember? Anyway, we have plans tomorrow.”
So much for an apology! Hearing Matt’s voice used to make Julia smile, but that was in the past. Now, she wanted to hit something every time she talked to him. It didn’t help he was informing her he was taking Lilly tomorrow instead of asking if they had plans first. It also didn’t help he was being a condescending ass, dictating how she should dress her child.
R.I.L.Y Forever Page 4