R.I.L.Y Forever

by Norah Bennett

  “He’s married?”

  “Yup, he married as soon as our divorce was final. But that’s a vodka or tequila story. Wine will do nothing to pretty up that mess,” she said with a sad, self-deprecating smile. “Anyway, I tried to tell him Lilly won’t to be able to handle a long day with strangers, but he wasn’t having it. He told me she’s spoiled and willful and he threatened to teach her some manners.”

  Julia stood and started straightening the kitchen while she spoke. He doubted she was even aware of what she was doing she was so agitated.

  “Lilly’s my child. I may not always see things clearly where she’s concerned, but she’s not spoiled. She’s a typical two-year-old, a bit precocious, sure, but not spoiled and willful. He said it was obvious I couldn’t control her and he would have to teach her how to behave. I don’t know what that means, but I’m not letting him hurt her. No one will hurt either of us again.”

  Ethan couldn’t stand to see Julia’s growing distress. Her pain was palpable. He doubted she realized she referred to herself in that last sentence along with Lilly. Julia was neglected and abused as a child before Ella came into her life. She confided a bit in him when they were young, but he didn’t know all the details.

  He stood and walked to the sink. The water was on and she stood hugging herself, staring into space. He remembered that stance and it pained him each time she did it. He asked Ella about it years ago and she explained it was a remnant of Julia’s abuse. As a young child, no one held or comforted Julia when she was in pain or afraid and thus she learned to comfort herself. Years after Ella adopted her, she continued to hold herself when she felt vulnerable. It broke Ella’s heart whenever Julia escaped into the past and did this and Ethan was no better. He hated the thought of young Julia battered and terrified and he developed his own way of dealing with it. Ethan remembered how to soothe Julia. He’d done it hundreds of times and became an expert at saving her from her demons.

  He turned off the water and took Julia by the shoulders turning her around. He wrapped her in his embrace and held her tightly to him. She was a tall woman, but he towered over her and she fit nicely under his chin. He stroked her golden strands and inhaled her scent. There it was, wild flowers and vanilla. Intoxicating.

  The instant Julia was in his arms, his body recognized her and knew exactly what to do to soothe its mate. Its mate? What a bewildering thought and yet it wasn’t that surprising. On some level he’d known she was the one, his other half. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been devastated when he lost her and he wouldn’t have thought about her every day for the last twenty-two years. Simple teenaged crushes don’t leave a permeant mark on the heart and soul. He wondered if she thought of him like that. There was no doubt in his mind she loved him when they were teenagers, but he wondered what she thought of him now.

  “Easy, Jules. No one is going to hurt Lilly. No one is going to hurt you. You’re both safe,” he whispered in her ear while continuing to stroke her hair and rub her back.

  After a few minutes, her body relaxed against his and he breathed easier knowing he was able to soothe her. Ethan smiled. Thank God he hadn’t lost his touch.

  Julia pulled away and glanced up, embarrassment evident on her face. He put a finger to her lips and shook his head.

  “Nope, no apology, no embarrassment. This is me. I know you and you know me. You can trust me. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

  He walked them to the couch in the family room, noting the photos of beaches and oceans that were scattered throughout the room and the house in general. He was happy to see his girl got her wish. When they were young and silly, he would ask her, “If you could be any animal in the world, what would you be?” Her answer never changed. “A pelican, of course. I would be big and beautiful, free to soar above the oceans. I’d bask in the sun and the air and look below me at the majesty of the ocean and I’d smile every day.”

  “You’d smile? Pelicans don’t smile.”

  She’d turn those big beautiful eyes on him and pierce his heart with her next words. “Oh, but you’re wrong. They smile. They soar with happiness because although their lifespan is short, they’re memories are shorter. They know no pain, no sorrow. They live free and die free.”

  Julia was obsessed with the ocean for as long as he could remember. Growing up in Indiana, she never saw the ocean except in pictures and on TV. But that didn’t dull her obsession. On the contrary, she learned everything she could about oceans and seabirds, particularly pelicans. Every one of her fantasy vacations included a large body of water. He was happy she discovered so many beaches, but he wished he was there the first time she saw the ocean. They’d planned to visit the East and West Coast together when they graduated so she could see the Atlantic and the Pacific. They saved and saved for the trip, but all their plans fell apart a few weeks before graduation.

  “I’m sorry, Eth. Again. I seem to be doing this a lot with you—falling apart and apologizing. I haven’t been this emotional in a long time. I don’t usually indulge in tears and emotional outbursts and yet I keep doing it. I blame you. I was perfectly fine without you,” she said with a half-hearted laugh.

  I was perfectly fine without you. Well, didn’t that say it all! All Ethan’s insecurities came rushing back with those few words. Why was he under the misconception she needed him now, that the past meant anything more than a teenaged crush to her? For twenty years her world went on successfully without him. She’d walked away and started a new life with another man. Yes, she married the world’s biggest loser, but so hadn’t he? At least she had a beautiful child to show for it. Ethan did his best to reign in his emotions and school his features. It was time for him to let her and the past go. Perhaps she was right and they would be perfectly fine without each other.

  “Oh, Ethan. I didn’t mean that the way it came out. I’m sorry. I meant … crap. I don’t know what I meant. I’m…”

  “Don’t worry about it. Look, its late and I should probably be going,” he said as he began to stand.

  “No, Eth. Please wait. Please hear me out.” Julia grabbed his hand and pulled him back beside her. “I haven’t been fine without you. I want you to know. I haven’t been fine. I’ve been far from fine.”

  Julia’s big green eyes implored him as she continued to grip his hand with both of hers. “I’ve missed you. I’ve missed talking to you and having you in my life. I’m never this emotional and I rarely talk about anything this openly to anyone, except Aimee. It’s like I’ve been storing it all up and all of the sudden, I’m dumping on you.”

  Ethan pulled his hand away and stood, needing the distance to sort through his thoughts

  “Ethan, you’ve been back in my life for like three minutes and I’m constantly breaking down and unloading on you. I’m an adult, but with you I feel like a teenager again. I tell myself to stay strong and to get a grip. But then there you are and the words fly out of my mouth and I’m telling you things I never meant to and crying on your shoulder like I used to do. My head’s spinning and to be totally honest—I’m scared. I’m a parent with responsibilities. I don’t have the luxury of breaking down like this and I don’t like how it feels.”

  She was talking, telling him all kinds of things he needed to know so he could untangle the mess she’d become, but he was stuck on, “I missed having you in my life.” It was damn good to hear and damn confusing. Ethan studied Julia as she gave her impassioned speech. If she missed him so much, why the hell had she disappeared and stayed away for so long? With little effort, she could have found him. He didn’t get it. He was missing something. He shook his head and sighed in frustration.

  Starting up with her again was risky. She had no idea what she wanted. One minute she was hot and the next she was cold. She was scared. Scared of the past and the present. Of what exactly, he didn’t know. What in the world was she hiding? Did he really want to get on this roller coaster ride again? The answer was he never got off in the first place. If he let her back in his life, he was going
to do things differently. He would hold tight no matter what the past revealed or the future brought. He wasn’t going to let her hide from the past or disappear out of his life again.

  This wasn’t going to be easy. Solving the mystery that was Julia was going to take time, patience, and skill. But as Ethan looked at her beautiful face, down her elegant neck to her hand that gripped the silver heart she wore, he knew he was up to the challenge.

  He gave her a slow, genuine smile. “I’ve missed you too, beautiful. Every single day since the last time I saw you, I’ve missed you. I don’t care what you dump on me. I know you’re scared, terrified even, but you know damn well, I’d never do anything to hurt you. Just the opposite, actually. It’s damn good to have you back in my world.”

  He reached down and pulled her to her feet and to him. She came willingly and he cupped the side of her face with his hand. His fingers snaked their way into her hair and his thumb caressed her soft creamy cheek and then ran across her full lower lip.

  “God, you’re beautiful,” he whispered.

  Before she had time to react, he did what he wanted to do since the second he saw her at Lexi’s. He took her mouth in a soft exploring kiss that had him heating up and wanting more. When his lips touched hers, she stiffened, but as he stroked her lower lip with the tip of his tongue, she gave in, clutched at his shirt and pulled him closer. She sighed a contented sigh and sank into the kiss and into him.

  He nipped her lower lip and she gasped. He took advantage and went in. She tasted so damn good. He explored every inch of her mouth and their tongues tangled in a familiar dance. There was nothing better than holding Julia in his arms and kissing her. Nothing felt so right in his life. God, he missed this. He missed her … the feel, taste, and scent of her. His Julia.

  He was home.

  It was she who pulled away, putting one hand on his chest, her breathing labored and her lips swollen. She looked like she’d been thoroughly kissed. She brought her fingers to her lips, closed her eyes and shook her head.

  “No, no, no,” she murmured.

  “No?”

  She stumbled back, dazed and sat as far away as she could on the couch. “Eth, no. I’m sorry. We can’t do this. This wasn’t supposed to happen. We can be friends, that’s all. Too much has happened. We can’t go back. We’re different people now. It’s not fair to you. I’m not good for anyone,” she tripped over her words, the sentences coming fast and jumbled.

  Ethan wasn’t put off in the least bit because while her mouth was saying no, the rest of her body had agreed with him. She’d melted right into his arms and kissed him back. She’d held on and even pulled him closer. He didn’t care what that pretty little mouth of hers was saying, they were by no means just friends. They only took a brief hiatus. It was time to rediscover and rebuild. But before they could move into the future, they had to deal with the past.

  “You’re right, we can’t go back, but the future is wide open. Of course we’ve changed. Hell we’ve aged by two decades—just like fine wine, may I add,” he said with a relaxed smile.

  “This isn’t funny, Ethan. There can be no future that includes anything more than friendship.”

  “Take it easy, Jules. Neither of us is married and there’s no reason why we can’t explore and see where this leads unless…”

  He was an idiot. Hell, he was a damn fool. She was sweet, smart, beautiful, and single. He never considered there might be someone else. Why wouldn’t she be seeing someone? The thought of someone else touching and kissing her was nauseating. He had to know.

  “Are you seeing someone?” he asked, afraid of hearing her answer.

  “No, there’s no one else, but I can’t do this again. Not with you or anyone else. I’ve been through too much. There’s so much you don’t know. I want you back in my life. I didn’t lie. I did miss you, but only friendship. That’s all I can offer.”

  Ethan took a deep breath, relieved beyond words. No other guy in the picture was a good thing because while he never thought of himself as a violent person, the image of her being with another man didn’t sit well with him. “Friends is a great place to start and I’ll take it, but I’m not ready to write off the future. I’m not letting you walk away from me, from us, again. I was young last time and I let go too easily. I’m not doing that again.”

  Julia stood and started to pace. He was pushing her, but he learned a hard lesson the last time around. He wasn’t a kid anymore. He was a man ready to fight her demons and fight for both of them, even if she wouldn’t or couldn’t participate in the battle. He was strong enough for both of them.

  “Look, tonight was supposed to be about closure, not about starting up again. I can’t.”

  Exasperated, Ethan stood and grabbed her by the shoulders to stop her pacing. The woman was making him nuts. This had to stop.

  “If tonight is about closure, then let’s get that out of the way, shall we? Here is what I know. Twenty-two years ago I loved you more than life itself and I know for a fact you loved me. Then one horrific day Ella was attacked and although she survived and recovered, we never did. You pushed me out of your life from that day on. I never knew what happened. That’s it, that’s what I know. Now it’s your turn. Let it out. Tell me what happened and have your closure.”

  Julia studied him, her eyes big and full of trepidation. He wanted to hold her and tell her to forget the past. While a part of him needed closure too, in some ways he didn’t care about the past as long as he could have her now. But they needed to make their peace with the past before they could go on or they’d never make it. The past would always be standing in their way.

  She pulled away and sat back on the couch, her arms coming around herself.

  “Okay, I’m not sure where to begin.”

  “Before you say another word, I want you to look at me.”

  She raised her eyes to him. He didn’t like what he saw in her eyes. The sadness and loss he could stomach, but the fear—well, that had to go.

  “Before you say a word you need to know I made my peace with all of this a long time ago. It’s true, I’m no longer angry, but that wasn’t always the case. I was hurt, angry, confused and all kinds of things for a long time. But when you deal with death every day, you learn how precious life is and how short it is. I learned that lesson when I was an intern from a twelve-year-old boy who died in my arms from a gunshot wound. I continue to learn that lesson from my young patients who battle cancer. Jules, I let my anger go a long time ago. Now I only carry the good memories we made with me. There’s nothing you can’t tell me. Nothing at all.”

  Silence filled the room. He left her with her thoughts and went to the kitchen to retrieve their wine glasses. He made his way back to her and handed her the glass. She took it and took a sip before setting it on the coffee table.

  “From the day I was born to the day Ella took me home, my life was nothing but pain and loneliness. I never felt loved or wanted even though she did her best to show me how much she loved me. Every newspaper in the country carried the story of the little girl that was found battered and half-dead that nobody wanted until a nurse took pity on her and adopted her. Did you know that? Did you know I made headlines at the age of six?”

  Ethan shook his head. This wasn’t a story he’d ever heard and listening to it now was tearing his heart out.

  “My earliest memories are of being beaten, of being cold and hungry and terrified. I remember my mother. She was tall and thin. She had long blonde hair like mine, but it was always dirty and matted. She was always mad at me and I never knew why. I tried to be good for her, but I was never good enough. When she wasn’t passed out on the couch, she was screaming at me, hurting me, or ignoring me.”

  She glanced toward him, but he knew she wasn’t seeing him. She was far away and although he could see the pain etched all over her face and wanted to reach out and comfort her, he didn’t want to break the spell.

  “According to court records, my mother was a drug abuser and m
ost likely a prostitute. My birth certificate doesn’t list a father. I told you I was abused and neglected before Ella adopted me, but that wasn’t the worst thing that happened to me.”

  Julia brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “When I was six I saw my mother’s boyfriend beat and kill her. When he was done, he turned his attention to me and almost beat me to death.”

  Ethan was stunned. God, how much pain could one person survive? Julia had survived hell and then some. He’d known she had a horrible childhood and had nightmares, but this was beyond anything he imagined. His poor girl was neglected, starved and beaten. Why would God allow something like this to happen to a child, a helpless creature? Why? For as long as he lived, he’d never understand the heavens and the decisions that came from on high. Never.

  “I’m sorry, Jules. I had no idea,” he said as reached for her. But her next words stopped him.

  “No, wait. Just listen. Ella saved me and I owed her everything. She gave me a life I never knew existed for girls like me. She didn’t just feed, clothe, and shelter me. She brought light into pitch black darkness and with it joy and laughter. She gave me love, understanding, and security. Ethan, she was all I had and she was my whole world for a long time and I was terrified if anything happened to her, I’d be alone … again. Then my nightmare came true and my world shattered.”

  “I know, but—”

  “No, you don’t know. Let me get this out. You had everything growing up: parents who loved you and a safe and secure home, a bright future. I had Ella. You and I were as different as night and day and although you told me often enough it didn’t matter, it did. When Ella was attacked, my life became an episode on Jerry Springer all over again. Your father was running for governor on TV and I was making the news again for something entirely different. It was too much. I had to take care of Ella. I was responsible for what happened to her and I was terrified of losing her. My world stopped and narrowed to her and me. There was no room for anyone else, not even you. I’m sorry.”