R.I.L.Y Forever

by Norah Bennett

  When she said, “I’m sorry for you, Ethan,” he thought he might have misunderstood her meaning. But when she repeated it in that hollow, distant voice, he got the message. He couldn’t believe his ears. This wasn’t the loving, caring woman he knew. He deduced she still harbored some bad feelings about his parents and he even tried to understand, but this was too much. His father was dead and although there was no love lost between them, a decent person who understood the value of a human life would be sorry the man died. A person who loved him would understand this was his father, not a random stranger.

  Ethan and his father had their differences. That was no secret. But no matter what those differences were, he still loved him. Ethan made the decision many years ago to accept his parents for who they were and to love them. He rarely fought with them about anything over the last decade. He knew they weren’t going to be in his life forever and he decided the best course of action was to love them unconditionally.

  Julia had a big heart. She wasn’t a cold, unforgiving person and that’s why her behavior puzzled and hurt him so much. If it were anyone else who treated him with such disregard, he would have cut them right out of his life. But he loved her and he chose to believe she had good reasons for behaving in this manner. Last night, however, when he called to tell her he would be home the next day and she replied, “Fine, Ethan,” in a voice devoid of emotion, he lost his temper.

  “Julia, for God’s sake. Is that all you’re going to say? We haven’t seen each other in almost three weeks and have hardly said two words of any substance to each other in that time and that’s all you can say?”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  “Look, I know you didn’t like my father and he was a bit tough on you when we were young, but don’t you think you’re taking it too far? The man is dead. Dead! If you can’t put the past behind you now, when will you be able to? You disappoint me. You’re not behaving in a rational manner. I’m asking you for the last time to tell me what the hell is going on.”

  When he finished yelling, there was only silence. She said nothing in explanation and nothing in her own defense. After a few minutes of exasperating silence, he was done. He reached his limit.

  “Julia, you’re not making this any easier. I think I deserve some kind of explanation, don’t you? It’s my father who died. If anyone should be acting out, it should be me, not you. Talk to me.”

  “I’m sorry, Ethan. I can’t. Not now.”

  “Well, then when, damn it? When is a good time to behave like an adult and deal with whatever it is that is making you act like this?”

  Silence.

  “Fine, if silence is what you want. That’s what you’ll get. We obviously need some time apart to think things through. I’m not sure I know you at all anymore. I’m done. I can’t fight for us by myself anymore. You’ve got to want us. You’ve got to be a willing participant in this relationship. A warrior willing to join me to save our relationship and you’re not. You simply won’t do the work. You won’t fight and I’m tired of doing it all on my own. Do you understand what you’re doing? What you’re throwing away?”

  This time he didn’t need to strain to hear anything. He heard her crying and although he was mad as hell at her, the sound of her tears pulled at his heart.

  With a trembling voice, she said, “Okay, Ethan. Goodbye. I’m sorry.”

  “What? Julia?”

  But Julia was gone and all Ethan heard was dead air. She’d hung up.

  Ethan didn’t close his eyes that night. There was no point. His brain wouldn’t shut off. He went for a run to clear his head, but nothing seemed clearer. After torturing himself for five miles, he gave up. He spent the rest of the night pacing and packing. After his temper fizzled out, he was left with the startling realization that in a span of a few weeks, he lost three people he loved.

  His father was gone. He would never hear his voice again, never receive unwanted advice, and never have a chance to tell him about Julia. Then there were his girls. Julia and Lilly. How in the world had he allowed them to walk out of his life or, in truth, how could he have walked out of theirs? He was the one that opened the door and before he could walk out, Julia had, taking his baby girl with her. He’d made it easy. He’d all but pushed her. He felt lost and incredibly alone.

  The next day on the flight home, Ethan replayed and dissected each conversation he and Julia had over the last few weeks trying to understand how everything had gone to shit. He couldn’t believe he lost his temper and yelled at her. Yelling at Julia was never a good idea. She couldn’t tolerate it and would shut down. She did fine with confrontation, but not raised voices and he yelled, actually yelled at her. He berated himself for losing his temper and doing what he swore he would never do.

  Although Julia probably deserved to be yelled at and even shaken a bit, Ethan knew better. At this point though, he didn’t know what to do. He thought of calling her before he left Indiana, but he figured they had enough of crazy telephone conversations. Their next conversation, and there sure as hell was going to be a next conversation, was going to be face-to-face. He needed to see her, plain and simple. Clarity would surely come once they talked things out and they were back to their normal routines.

  Six hours later, he was home. He paid a small fortune for parking and drove home in the rush-hour traffic nightmare that could only be found in Newark, New Jersey at 5:30 p.m. Thank God for the handless telephone system in the truck. He checked in to work and let them know he would be in the next day. He also checked in on his mother. Like he predicted, she was already talking about extending her stay in New Orleans. He assured her he closed up the house, emptied the refrigerator, and forwarded all the bills to New Jersey so she didn’t have to worry about anything.

  By 9 p.m. he was wasted. He unpacked and went through the mail. Then he paid bills, returned calls from friends, and made an omelet for dinner. Finally, he sat drinking a beer, the only thing in the refrigerator, other than the eggs, that had survived the three weeks he spent away from the house. He thought about calling Julia, but considering the time and his exhaustion, he figured he better wait until the next day. He made his way to his room and crashed for the night, falling into a fitful sleep filled with the sound of Julia’s sobs.

  Over the next few days, Ethan worked like a dog trying to catch up on the backlog of paperwork piled on his desk in between seeing dozens of patients. Daily, he called Julia, but all his calls went to voicemail. Although he left message after message asking her to call him, he received no return calls. He tried texting, but didn’t get any better results.

  By the end of the week Ethan missed Julia and Lilly badly. He felt like a complete ass for losing his temper. He was worried about her and decided to go by her house after work just to see if she and Lilly were okay. He didn’t want to walk in on her without notice, but she left him no choice. He managed to finish work at a decent hour for the first time since returning and by 7 p.m. he was in front of Julia’s house. The problem was, it didn’t look like anyone was home. His suspicions were confirmed a few minutes later when he looked through the front window and saw the house was dark.

  Frustrated and concerned, he drove back home and decided enough was enough. He called Lexi. He hadn’t done so earlier because he didn’t want to get his friends caught in the middle, but now he was desperate. Lexi, under great duress, told him Julia took a week off work and left earlier in the week for a brief vacation. That was where her kindness and generosity ended, however, because she refused to tell him where exactly Julia was. Then she called him a bastard for making Julia cry and hung up.

  Next, he tried Aimee, Christine, and Adam. He got nowhere with the women although Aimee assured him Julia was okay and agreed to tell Julia he was worried about her and Lilly and missed them both. Adam told him, although he knew where Julia was, Christine and the other women would make his balls into shishka-balls if he opened his mouth and gave him a hint. He did however confirm she wou
ld be back on Tuesday. That meant Ethan had to endure four more days of silence.

  Ethan spent the next four days working, pacing, not eating, and rarely sleeping. He left Julia one final voice message telling her he was sorry things ended badly between them and he wanted to see her and Lilly when they returned. He said he wanted her to remember all couples fight and he loved her. Then he stopped calling and stopped texting, deciding to give her some peace.

  Tuesday, Ethan left work a few hours early and went home. He showered and changed and then went to Julia’s feeling unsure of himself. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but he wasn’t leaving without getting her to agree to at least speak with him again. They couldn’t be over. They’d been through too much and survived too much to be over. Whatever this was, they’d work through it.

  Ethan stood in front of Julia’s door going through the speech he prepared in his head. He rang the doorbell and waited for her to answer. The muted sound of the television playing some children’s show came through the door. This meant Lilly was still awake. He missed his baby girl and felt he let her down just as her jerk of a father had by disappearing out of her life. Hearing the lock being disengaged, he looked up as Julia opened the door.

  The sight that greeted Ethan’s eyes was both beautiful and concerning. As always, Julia’s long lean frame, thick shiny blonde hair, and heart-shaped face took his breath away, but something was terribly wrong. Her eyes were dull and she had dark circles under her eyes. Her t-shirt and jeans hung loosely on her body, evidence she lost weight, a lot of weight.

  “Jules, baby, what in the world…” he said in a shocked voice as he reached for her.

  She flinched away before he could touch her and stared at him blankly with confused big green eyes. “Ethan what are you doing here?”

  Before he could answer, Lilly’s squeal of delight came from behind Julia. Lilly squeezed her little body between her mother and the door and wrapped herself around his legs.

  “E! E! Daddy!”

  At the sound of Lilly’s sweet voice, a smile lit his face. He bent down and gathered his girl in his arms giving her a big hug. “Hi, angel baby. God I’ve missed my girl,” he said as he stood carrying her in his arms and buried his face in her hair. Lilly wrapped her chubby arms around his neck and squeezed. The she gave him a loud wet kiss on his cheek.

  “Have you been a good girl, sweetness?”

  “Yesh!” Lilly answered.

  “Well why does your mama look so tired then?” He met Julia’s gaze, which had softened as she watched him and Lilly.

  Lilly giggled and shrugged her shoulders. Then she wriggled around in his arms until he put her down. She grabbed one of his large hands with both of her tiny ones and tried to pull him through the front door. When he wouldn’t budge, she said, “Pu-weese Daddy.” That melted his heart and had an effect on Julia too. She stood aside and opened the door fully, gesturing him in.

  Ethan spent the next hour playing with Lilly while Julia went down to the basement to do laundry and then upstairs to unpack. Finally, Lilly fell asleep in his arms while he read her a book. When he was sure she would stay asleep he carried her up to her room and tucked her in, like he’d done dozens of times before. He gave her a kiss on the forehead and breathed in her clean baby smell. Then he went downstairs where Julia puttered around in the kitchen.

  While he played with Lilly, Julia had avoided any conversation with him. He looked up to see her watching him several times over the last hour with a wistful look on her face and each time she was caught, she looked away quickly. He was glad he had the chance to play with Lilly. It was good reconnecting with her. Children were so forgiving. He only wished adults were as wise.

  Julia looked worn out, even ill. It was obvious she hadn’t been eating or sleeping and the guilt he felt for causing her to spiral like this was immeasurable.

  “Julia, please come sit and talk to me,” he said to her from the family room.

  At first she turned her head and stared at him without moving an inch and he didn’t think she was going to come. But after a few seconds of indecision, she walked to the family room and took the farthest seat from him she could. He waited until she was seated to speak.

  “I’ve been worried about you and Lilly. I’ve missed you guys.”

  She continued to look down, playing with the edge of her t-shirt. “We’re fine. No need for you to worry about us.”

  “I don’t think you’re fine, not at all. What’s going on, baby?”

  “Stop, Ethan.” Her eyes met his and they were filled with pain and sorrow. “Like I said, we’re fine. It was a long drive back from Maine and I’m tired. That’s all. Thanks for playing with Lilly and putting her down. I appreciate it, but I think it’s time for you to go.”

  Ethan studied Julia and shook his head. She wasn’t going to make this easy.

  “Jules, please just listen. We have to talk. I’m sorry for the way our last conversation went. I was exhausted and stressed and I lost my temper. I’m sorry for yelling at you and hurting you. I have no idea what happened between us, but what we have is good, so good. We love each other. We can work through this.”

  She shook her head and her hand flew up searching for her necklace. That’s when he knew they were in real trouble. She wasn’t wearing the necklace! Her hand opened and closed, but there was nothing to hold on to. She’d given up on them. She told him she never took off the necklace because it reminded her he loved her. She didn’t believe that anymore, didn’t want to believe it, or didn’t want to be reminded of him or what they have. She was throwing them away again.

  “No. I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. Love can’t solve everything and isn’t always enough. I’m sorry. Please, please go. You can see Lilly whenever you want, I wouldn’t keep you from her or her from you. But, I … we, can’t do this anymore.”

  Ethan stood from the recliner and walked toward the couch where she sat. But she stood and rounded the couch before he could come near her. She didn’t want him to touch her. He froze where he was. She was shutting him out like she did years ago. History was repeating itself, but this time he wasn’t a teenager. There was no fucking way he was going to let her walk away from what they had. Not again and not without a fight.

  “Julia, please sit down. Let’s just talk. Whatever this is we can work it out. I don’t even know what happened. We were doing great. We were happy and so good with each other. Don’t give up on us.”

  “No, Ethan. No. We’re not good with each other. Actually, I’m not good with anyone. Please, let me go. I can’t do this. Please go, can’t you see what this is costing me?” she asked, now openly sobbing.

  “Baby, you once asked me not to give up on us and I haven’t. Why have you? How can you?”

  “I—I can’t. You, you don’t understand. You wouldn’t understand. Please … please walk away. This hurts too much,” she sobbed her words barely coherent.

  He couldn’t stand across the room anymore, not touching, not comforting her. He went to her and tried to gather her in his arms, but she wouldn’t let him. She backed away from him, shaking her head. Then she went to the front door and opened it. She stood near the open door with her arms wrapped around herself. It broke his heart to see her in such pain.

  “Please,” she whispered, “just let me go. Do this for me.”

  He stood in front of her and looked at her tear-ravaged face for a long time, but she wouldn’t meet his eyes. This wasn’t working. She was too far gone and there would be no reaching her tonight. He had no idea where his Julia went, where he pushed her to. Ethan didn’t want to cause her any more distress and he had no idea what else to do or what else to say to bring her back.

  He hung his head and without a word walked out the front door. He waited while she closed and locked the door behind him. Her sobs echoed from the other side of the door. If he stayed much longer, he’d break down the door. He tore at his hair and stalked to his car, got in and started driving. He didn’t want to leave J
ulia alone in that state, but he didn’t have much of a choice. The more he stayed, the more upset she got. He did what he always did when they were teens and had a fight. He called Aimee.

  Whether he was in the wrong or not, he always called Aimee and she always knew what to do. He could trust her and Julia trusted her. If anyone could get through to Julia, she could. He waited for Aimee to pick up and then said the only thing he needed to say. “Aimee, it’s bad. Please, she needs you.”

  Aimee didn’t ask for an explanation. But when he started talking, babbling really, she listened never interrupting him, never admonishing him, giving her opinion or saying the trite, “It’ll be all right.” Instead, she waited until he was done and said, “I’m on my way to her, Ethan. I’ll take care of her tonight. Go home.”

  “Okay. Thank you.”

  “Ethan, don’t give up. She needs you too. She’s just scared.”

  “I know. I’m not giving up for forever, just for tonight. I’m no good to her tonight. She doesn’t want me.”

  “No, you’re wrong. She wants you and needs you more than you know. She always has and she always will. For tonight, go home.”

  Ethan hung up with Aimee and drove around aimlessly. Eventually, he found a local liquor store where he replenished his beer supply. Then he drove home feeling defeated.

  Hours later he lay in bed after having consumed a large amount of beer, which he was sure he would be sorry for the next morning. He replayed his conversation with Julia, as was his habit these days, and came up with nothing, absolutely nothing. Then he replayed the last six weeks, trying to find hints of where it all went to hell. Still, his muddled brain came up with nothing. But that wasn’t surprising considering the amount of alcohol he’d consumed.

  There were a few thoughts he was able to string together. First, he and Julia were meant to be together. Each time they got close to making that a permanent arrangement, something came between them and their world was smashed to pieces. He didn’t believe the nonsense Julia was spouting about her not being good for anyone. That wasn’t true, but by the look of total devastation on her face, she actually believed it. Although he was the one that lost his temper and called a timeout, she was the one blaming herself for something. None of this mess made any sense to him whatsoever.