Cursed

by Monica Wolfson

  Evan walked back to the driver’s side and pulled the door open. He stood for a few seconds gazing across the parking lot as if he were pulling his thoughts together and then eased into the car.

  Evan stared through the windshield, his hands on the steering wheel, the keys to the car dangled from the ignition but he made no move to start the car. He was quiet for a moment and then he shifted in his seat and faced Sasha. Before he could speak, she blurted the questions that were burning in her mind

  “How did you find me? I don’t think I told you where I went to school,” she said more harshly than she expected.

  Evan seemed taken aback, she wasn’t sure if it was her question or tone. Underneath it all, she was pissed. She didn’t like that he rejected her or that he was here, at her school, invading her space, pushing her into his car. She finally gave herself permission to be angry.

  “I wanted to make sure you were alright,” he murmured in a horse voice. He seemed cowed by her and she wasn’t sure she liked it so she softened her attitude.

  “Couldn’t you do that over the phone?”

  He shrugged. “I wanted to see you.” He studied the steering wheel and avoided her eyes. “Those guys are still out there. You shouldn’t be by yourself.”

  Sasha stared out the windshield and watched the girl who had come into the shower leave by the back door of the school. The girl put a hand out, palm up, as if testing to see if it were raining. Fat rain drops flashed on the car windshield confirming the girl’s suspicion. She ran to her bike, unlocked it and pedaled away.

  Sasha sighed deeply unsure of what to say. She was flattered that he cared and yet she was confused by what it meant.

  “I’m glad to see you,” she said choosing her words carefully. She played with the zipper of her hoodie trying to come up with an exact expression of how she was feeling.

  “It gives me hope to see you and considering where you’re at, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she said in a small voice. She kept her head down and her eyes averted. She didn’t want Evan to see how much she hurt. She felt tears prick at the corner of her eyes and she blinked furiously to keep them away. She hated that her body gave her away.

  Evan picked up her hand and squeezed. “You’re right,” he said in a measured tone. “I’m not being fair.”

  He closed his eyes and breathed deeply as if to calm his nerves. “I’m not playing games.”

  “You could have fooled me,” she said, a sour note in her voice.

  “It’s not what you think,” he said his eyes still closed. Maybe he was too scared to look at her now. “I’m not very good at this.”

  “Rejecting someone isn’t a multi-step effort,” Sasha snapped. “You don’t have to keep doing it over and over. Once is more than enough.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing,” he said sadly. “I’m just messing this up worse.”

  Sasha didn’t answer and tried to pull her hand out of Evan’s grip. She didn’t want him touching her.

  He let her hand go and twisted to face the front. He turned the keys and the car roared to life. He put the car in reverse and drove through the parking lot. When he got to the driveway, he went in the direction of her house.

  “How did you find me?”

  He glanced at her quickly and turned his attention back to the road.

  “I stopped by your house and Hannah told me where to find you.”

  Hannah. Why hadn’t she thought of that? Her little sister had met him a couple of times and of course she’d tell him. Hannah thought Evan was dreamy.

  The drive was short and Evan pulled into her driveway putting the car in park but didn’t turn it off. He rotated in his seat, picked up her hand again and stared into her eyes with an unreadable expression. She felt her body go rigid in anticipation of more bad news.

  “I think it’s too dangerous for you to be riding your bike to and from school,” he said with gentle concern. “I can give you a lift when you’re parents can’t.”

  At first she was confused and then appalled at his suggestion.

  “My parents?” Sasha couldn’t imagine her mother having the time or her father being in town enough. The frustration of Evan’s push-pull behavior in one conversation was exhausting. She placed a hand on the door handle, her body stiff with annoyance.

  “I’m flattered that you care about me,” she said. “But you lost the right to have a say in my life when you told me you didn’t want to be in my life.”

  Sasha gathered her bag and pushed the door open. Evan grabbed her arm in alarm, his eyes flashed with fear.

  “Sasha, I didn’t mean-.”

  She shrugged off his hand and stepped out of the car.

  “Evan,” she said with her hand on the top of the window, ready to push the door shut. “Have a nice life.”

  She slammed the door shut and marched up the path to the front door. Evan got out of the car and ran after her. He jumped in front blocking her way.

  “Stop,” he said. “I didn’t mean-.”

  Sasha put a hand on his chest intending to push him out of her way but he was solid like rock. “Go away Evan,” she said tears pooling in her eyes. “Why can’t you stop hurting me?”

  Evan gave up the fight and staggered out of the way. Sasha rushed into her house and slammed the front door.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Sasha loved it when Willow Bean showed houses at night. It left Sasha with Hannah and her dad Martin to fend for themselves for dinner.

  When they piled into her dad’s sedan, they were arguing about where to eat. Hannah wanted Mexican, Sasha Italian and Sasha’s dad was not too picky. So the sisters fought it out in the back seat of the car playing paper, rock, scissors to break the stalemate.

  Hannah won and changed her mind about where she wanted to eat. Eventually she picked Fran’s for burgers and onion rings. Sasha wrinkled her nose in distaste. It’s not that she didn’t like the food but it was very greasy. She’d have to add some mileage this week to burn off the calories.

  They sat at one of the formica booths waiting for their number to be called. Sasha sipped her vanilla milkshake and tried to ignore her sister, who was driving her crazy with her antics lately.

  Hannah was stealing her clothes and borrowed Sasha’s phone for a day without telling her so that Sasha spent an hour looking for it until she gave up thinking she’d left it at school. When the phone reappeared on her pillow she knew Hannah was the guilty party.

  “So we haven’t seen much of that boy from your birthday party,” her dad said taking a huge bite of his cheeseburger.

  “He dumped her,” Hannah said stuffing fries in her mouth. Sasha choked on the food she was chewing and was mortified her little 12-year-old sister knew the details of her love life. She’d never told her what happened.

  “There were mentions in your text messages,” Hannah said explaining how she knew.

  “Hannah,” Sasha screamed. “You aren’t supposed to take my phone. Text messages are private.”

  Hannah sipped her strawberry milkshake and ignored Sasha’s anger.

  “Oh, what happened?” her father said dabbing grease from his chin.

  “She stole my phone,” Sasha growled.

  Her father waved the napkin in the air. “Not that. Why did you break up?”

  Sasha sighed defeated. Hannah never got in trouble even when she admitted her misdeeds.

  “It wasn’t a good fit,” she said diplomatically. Her father implored her with a look but she turned away.

  “He didn’t like her,” Hannah blurted.

  “Hannah,” Sasha screamed for the second time in two minutes.

  “Now, now girls,” her father said. “Don’t fight. We’re in public.”

  Sasha glared at her little sister and was tempted to smack her. She thought her father would disapprove so she resisted.

  “Is it true?” Her father asked plowing on with his questions.

  Sasha’s head drooped in shame. There was nothing Hannah had said
that wasn’t true or that she hadn’t found in text messages Sasha had written to her girlfriends.

  “I barely knew him dad,” she mumbled not answering his question.

  “That’s too bad. I liked him. He seemed like a good guy.”

  Sasha finished eating quickly and went to the washroom to clean up. She stared in the mirror and wondered what was wrong with her.

  A few days later Sasha pushed open the door to the Second Cup and kept her eyes averted from the front counter. She didn’t want Evan to think she’d come to see him. She wanted coffee dammit. This was her place, her comfort zone, hers.

  She shuffled inside and moved quickly to snag her favorite chair. The café wasn’t that busy. She was surprised, it was Thursday night and the place was usually hopping.

  She peeked from the corner of her eye and saw Teebow serving drinks. Evan was nowhere.

  Instead of sitting, she rifled through her knapsack for her book. She’d thrown The Sound and The Fury inside along with her laptop. The book was just the right size to prop in front of her face. She should be able to see the front counter without Evan knowing she was watching him.

  This probably wasn’t a good idea but she wanted to see him. She thought she was handling it well since he rejected her but she still wanted to sneak a peek.

  “Hey,” said a familiar deep voice from behind her. She froze. She knew it was Evan. Her mind when blank with panic, she was afraid he’d suspect she came to the café to see him. She chastised herself for her silliness and desperation.

  She turned around slowly and avoided his eyes. She stared at his chin. It was a nice, strong chin that had a slight shadow of stubble. She wondered why she hadn’t noticed the chin before.

  “Hey,” she said playing it cool.

  “You been alright?” he said his voice hesitant. She hoped he regretted breaking up with her, although it was hard to tell. Ok. It wasn’t a real break up but pretty close. Sasha looked into his eyes and knew she shouldn’t have. She felt her knees go weak and had to touch the back of a chair in front of her to stay upright. Looking at him made her feel queasy. Not sick in a bad way, it was like butterflies of nervousness in her stomach. The feelings roiled around in her belly and she couldn’t stop sweat from breaking out on her palms. Her hand got slippery on the chair. She delicately wiped her hand on her pants hoping Evan hadn’t noticed.

  “Great,” she said a bit too loud and showed too many teeth when she smiled. Her smile was so bright her cheeks hurt from the exertion.

  Concern flashed across his face, his eyes narrowed slightly making her smile wobble with uncertainty. Did she go too far? She wished it wasn’t obvious that she’d come here to stalk him.

  “I’m glad,” he said in a somber tone. He reached out and picked up her sweaty hand. She flushed with embarrassment and begged him silently not to notice the sweat. She felt a rush of desire flow from her fingers to her chest.

  She nearly swooned at the effect his touch was having on her. She knew she was going to obsess over it for the rest of the day.

  “I don’t want you to be unhappy,” he said dropping her hand and turning away. He walked to the front counter taking her hope and happiness with him.

  She’d been a fool. He was just being nice. She gritted her teeth and swore under her breath at her lame ability to jump to conclusions. Of course he hadn’t changed his mind; it had only been a few weeks. She was such an idiot.

  Before she could take her seat she glimpsed Teebow waving at her. She put her book and knapsack on the chair and took her wallet out of the bag. She did not agree with free drinks for life.

  “It’s great to see you here,” he said with a brilliant smile. He threw a look at Evan over his shoulder. She couldn’t see the expression Teebow made at Evan although it must have been a glare because Evan cringed. Teebow turned back to her with a soft smile and sadness in his eyes.

  “What can I get you?” he asked.

  “A latte?” she said. “I’m sitting over there.” She waved toward the club chair, put her money on the counter and left. The humiliation was getting to her. There was only so much pity she could take without feeling like she deserved it. Right now she was convinced Evan was backing away from her because of his obligations and if he had a choice he’d be by her side. At least she’d convinced herself of that scenario and she didn’t want her fantasy bubble popped.

  Watching Teebow make a series of hand gestures Sasha guessed that he made Evan deliver her drink. Embarrassed, she couldn’t look him in the eyes. The fantasy she’d built around this lovely boy was slowly crumbling to a harsher reality. Maybe he really didn’t want to be with her. The explanation for his reluctance for a relationship could be as simple as that.

  “Here’s your drink,” he said quietly. His eyes were downcast as if he were embarrassed too. She tried to think of something flirtatious to say but came up blank. Feeling a tad deflated she took the drink and thanked him. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Teebow staring at them and blowing a big breath of air as his chest rose and fell dramatically as if he were very frustrated.

  She spent the next two hours watching Evan from under the cover of her book. It was a silly way to spy on him but it didn’t look like he suspected anything. He was busy making drinks, taking customers’ money and chatting casually with Teebow. The two men worked in tandem; one made drinks while the other rang up the sale and did prep work. Sasha might have even heard Teebow whistling at one point. When she finished her drink Sasha stood to hit the restroom.

  As she was leaving the bathroom she heard two male voices talking. She spied Teebow standing in the doorway of the office which was next door to the women’s restroom. She stood still listening.

  “I’ve got a lot going on,” Evan mumbled.

  “Don’t we all,” Teebow said. “I’m the one with a little brother in the hospital. What’s your excuse?”

  Evan said something in reply that Sasha couldn’t hear.

  “She’s not going to be single forever,” Teebow said. “If you miss your chance you’ll regret it. She’s a nice girl. She’s a looker. She’s smart. What’s not to like?”

  Sasha heard a chair scrape across the floor.

  “I do like her,” Evan said more forcefully. “But-.”

  “No buts,” Teebow said. “Get your ass out of that chair and go talk to her. Life is short Evan, much too short. Don’t waste it. These chances don’t come around too often. Next thing you know you’ll be 30 like me, single with no love. I don’t want that for you. What’s in your way?”

  She heard Evan clear his throat.

  “I can’t go there,” Evan said his voice deep and low. The sound was so soft she strained to hear him. “If I do I’ll lose myself.”

  Sasha felt her stomach clench at the pain in Evan’s voice. He sounded full of despair as if the prospect of love would destroy him. Teebow went into the room and Sasha envisioned him crouching down and putting a hand on Evan’s shoulder.

  “It doesn’t have to be that way,” he said.

  “It does for me, otherwise why go there?” Evan said his voice gaining in strength. “I don’t believe in halfway. I’m all or nothing.”

  There was quiet for a moment and Teebow reappeared in the doorway slouching against the door frame.

  “I hear fear talking. If you don’t take a chance you’re going to have a lonely life,” Teebow said. “I know. Don’t follow my path.”

  Teebow ran a hand through his afro and covered his eyes for a minute.

  “It’s not fear. Or at least I don’t think it is. It’s just how I was raised,” Evan said gruffly. “You commit to something, you stick with it. There is no end. There’s no out.”

  “That sounds awfully limiting,” Teebow said.”It’s not like you’re going to marry this girl. Just get to know her. Take her to a movie. Buy her an ice cream. Spend some time together. Maybe you’ll discover you don’t like her.”

  “It’s not that simple,” Evan said his voice full of tension.
“I wish it was.”

  “Do you need someone to give you permission to live life a little?”

  “He’s dead,” Evan said finality in his voice like he was ending the conversation.

  “Well that’s easy then,” Teebow said. “We need to let go. I’ve done it a thousand times. I’ll teach you how.”

  “I don’t think you understand,” Evan growled.

  “Sure I do. You think I’m raising my little brother because I’m such a great guy? Naw. I love him, but a 30-year-old bachelor shouldn’t have a 17-year-old kid.”

  “My dad didn’t go to jail,” Evan snapped.

  There was a silence between the two men for a minute. “I’m sorry,” Evan said stumbling over his words.

  “Don’t you be sorry,” Teebow said. “You’re right. My ma’s in jail and your pa is dead. They still left us. It’s all the same.”

  She could hear Evan swallow. “Maybe.”

  Teebow coughed. “You should tell her what’s going on. I’m sure she’ll understand.”

  “What would I say? I have such a fucked up life?” Evan pleaded. The sound of his voice broke Sasha’s heart. She felt a stab of pain in her chest and was desperate to help him.

  “That’s a start,” Teebow said gruffly. “I’m sure she can take it. She seems strong. Look what you two have already been through. That kind of shit pulls people together.”

  Sasha heard a shuffling in the office and saw Teebow lean back as if to make room in the doorway for someone to pass. Sasha snapped into action, she didn’t want to get caught eavesdropping. She fumbled with her wallet and tried as quietly as possible to move back toward the washroom. She banged her elbow on the door jam and swore noiselessly. She eased into the bathroom as Evan stepped into the hallway. He didn’t even look in her direction.