Race To You

by Hailey Smoke

  I toyed with the phone as the last fourteen days swam before me. I took a deep breath as I struggled to regain my composure. I needed to remain focused on the upcoming finals. I needed to get my head straight about Serena.

  I wasn’t quite sure when I had realized that my feeling for Serena had gotten as serious as they had. Before Paul’s bombshell, I had intended to invite her to one of my training sessions. But all of that had been thrown out the window. I never invited anyone to my sessions. Not even Tracy had ever been invited. Serena was special. Very special. And I was in turmoil as to how to bridge the chasm I had caused but she now enforced. I dared not go to her office. My sister was on the verge of taking legal action to disown me. She had screamed at me for half an hour about how I had left Serena heartbroken. I was still in my furious state and had told her to ask Serena whose heart had been broken in the melee. We had not spoken since. The office was out of the question. For Lucy to know what she did it was obvious that Serena’s distress was not hidden.

  I looked up into the sky again. If only fate could give me a sign, of any sort. Something. Anything. The skies twinkled back blankly. I felt as if I was reaching my wit’s end. I needed to have all my faculties intact for finals in July. I took a deep breath as I dialed the now familiar number. It rang once. Then twice… my heart leaped into my mouth as my palms grew clammy. It fell with a thud. Voicemail.

  You have reached the mailbox of Serena Bishop. Please leave a message after the tone…Beep…

  “Hey, Annie-Girl. It’s Connie-Boy. Can we talk please baby? I’m sorry about the way I reacted. I want us to talk and put this past us. Please. Call back.” I took a deep breath as I said the next words. “But if you don’t call back, I’ll take that to mean that you don’t want me in your life. I want you in mine so badly, but I’ll respect your wishes. I hope you call back, but if you don’t, I’ll leave you alone.” I pressed the disconnect button. I felt numb all over as the implications of the message I had just left sank in. I thought of all the calls I had made with the same result. The hours I had spent stalking her house. Yes, I had responded badly but I could blame that on the shock of the whole situation. I had come around. But she had shut me out. She wanted me out of her life. And I was going to be a man of my word and respect her wishes. I would leave her alone. But could I leave Serena alone for good?

  10

  Serena

  I did not have to look at the phone to know who was calling. I usually caught it on the first ring but this time it was on the far side of the bed and it rang out twice before I rejected the call. I couldn’t help the weak tears that flowed from my eyes as soon as I disconnected the call. It seemed as if my eyes had been constantly wet for the past two weeks. And when I thought I had no more tears to cry the phone would ring with that familiar tone and some reserve in the duct would inevitably flow out.

  My heart broke each time when I thought about what my last image of him had been. I was torn between hurt and anger. Hurt at the way I had deceived him. anger at the way he had left me crumpled to the ground, unable to get past his ego to give me the chance to make things right. I was a conundrum of emotions.

  It was bound to have happened and I would have had to find some way to break the news of my sordid past to him. it was just unfortunate that Paul had shown up when he did. On one hand, I was furious that he had messed up my relationship with Connor the way he had. But on the other hand, I was grateful for the revelation and that it gave me a chance to see that cold and unfeeling side to Connor. Either way, I didn’t deserve Connor and he didn’t deserve me. We were better off without each other.

  When I was done stuffing my head with that lie I would break down crying again. My eyes were so swollen I had taken to wearing dark glasses even indoors. I had given all my showings over the past two weeks to Lucy as every time I thought of a walkthrough I thought of Connor. And when I thought of Connor the floodgates opened. I couldn’t very well be walking clients through a house with tears rolling down my face now could I. When I had called in sick that Monday Lucy had passed by to check on me that evening. She had taken one look at my unkempt state and had taken charge. One thing had led to another and before long I was sobbing out the whole sordid story. Everything. She had been a real trouper. I had taken Tuesday off as well and by Wednesday managed to drag myself into the office. I remained in office pushing papers around and trying to maintain a sense of normalcy. I couldn’t understand why I felt as if my life was over. When Paul and I had separated and subsequently divorced it had been business as usual pretty much. But Connor was different. Dare I believe that my feelings for Connor ran deeper than I had even thought it could? It was a possibility I pushed far away. I never entered a relationship with him for the long haul. Yet I felt as if my heart had betrayed me along the way. I was running scared. And those who knew Serena well knew that when she was scared she ran away.

  And so, I rejected each call. And deleted each voice message as soon as I had listened. I could recite the message from memory. Hey Annie-girl. It’s Connie-boy. Can we talk please baby? Even in my deepest sleep, I heard his voice and that message.

  Annie-Girl. When he had found out that my middle name was AnnMarie he had put his spin to it. I couldn’t help but retaliate with Connie-Boy.

  I rolled onto my back and opened my gallery. It was amazing how many pictures we had amassed in the few weeks we had been together. I knew I was punishing myself each time I did this but couldn’t bring myself to delete them. At least I would have this to remind me.

  Tears continued to roll from the corners of my eyes as I went through the gallery. When I came to the last picture, I broke down completely. It had been taken that last morning when we woke up. We looked so happy together. Looking at us then no one could have guessed that before the day was done, we would have ended up as we did.

  I was miserable without him and I knew it. I wanted to reach out so badly but the overwhelming guilt of what I had kept from him and how it had come out always came back to haunt me. I couldn’t get past that. I kept thinking about how I would have felt had it been the other way around. What if Tracy had been the one to turn up and reveal that he had cheated on her and gotten another woman pregnant. What would my reaction have been? He was justified to react the way he had. And in reacting thusly I knew I had to push him away. No matter how far my thoughts meandered they always came back to the same conclusion. I had to let him go. He deserved better than me. I deserved better than me.

  I dragged myself out of bed and ran a hot bath. Last weekend I had gone to visit my parents. I knew Connor would be home and I didn’t want to run the risk of him coming by. They had not asked what the problem was but simply allowed me the space and time in my childhood room to cry. They had knocked now and then to inform me of meals but had left me alone. When I left, I had hugged and kissed them both and come back home to my miserable solitude. And this is how it had been.

  I soaked until the water became unbearably tepid and then dragged myself out. I dried off and plod downstairs naked to rustle up a quick sandwich. I ate quickly and put the empty plate in the sink. I would wash it in the morning. I had just started eating again. the past two weeks had just been grazing and it showed as my collarbones stuck out more than usual. I dragged myself back upstairs. I rummaged in the closet and found what I was looking for. I pulled it over my head and felt my heart break all over as I inhaled his scent. I crawled into bed and wrapped my arms around myself. I reached over to the nightstand where I had left my phone charging while I took a bath. I frowned as I realized the message light was blinking as I hadn’t cleared the last message. I sighed as I punished myself by opening the voice note. I closed my eyes as his voice washed over me.

  Hey Annie-Girl. It’s Connie-Boy. Can we talk please baby?

  I waited to hear the recording tell me this was the end of the message. My eyes flew open as the message continued.

  I’m sorry about the way I reacted. I want us to talk and put this past us. Please. Call back
. But if you don’t call back, I’ll take that to mean that you don’t want me in your life. I want you in mine so badly, but I’ll respect your wishes. I hope you call back, but if you don’t, I’ll leave you alone.

  My heart felt like it had stopped. I went numb. He was going to leave me alone. Wasn’t that what I wanted? To be left alone?

  No! No! No!

  My finger hovered temptingly over the ‘call’ button. My hand started to shake. I wanted so badly to call back. but something held me back. I covered my face as I broke out in gut-wrenching sobs again. I threw the phone aside and ripped the t-shirt off. I found a shirt of my own and stuffed the shirt back into the closet where I had the rest of his things stashed. I still had to figure out how I was going to get them to him. my sobs became sniffles as I cried myself to sleep. I was grateful it was Friday. This way I could wallow indoors for the next forty-eight hours. It was time to snap out of this. Come Monday Serena AnnMarie Bishop no longer Dunbar would be back in operation.

  11

  Serena

  “Good morning! I trust you all had a good weekend! Lucy! My office please!” I walked into the office with the brightest smile on my face as if the last two weeks had not happened. Every head snapped up as I strut like a model on a catwalk.

  After moping all day Saturday, I had snapped out of it on Sunday. I had gotten up with a vengeance and cleaned the house from top to bottom. I had made an appointment at the spa for Sunday afternoon and had enjoyed a full body massage. I headed to the beauty salon and had my hair washed and treated. On a whim, I had put in auburn highlights and asked for big bouncing curls. A facial, manicure and pedicure had completed my rejuvenation. Did this mean I was over Connor? Far from it. But it meant I was taking Serena back. Time would heal the wounds, but I could not allow my business to suffer the way it had for the past two weeks.

  This morning I had gotten out my sharpest suit. It was a pinstripe suit with Capri length trousers. The inside blouse was fuchsia and matched my nails. My make-up was flawlessly applied. Six-inch stilettos and an oversized pocketbook completed the look. I was every inch the confident and savvy businesswoman on the outside. No one need know that on the inside I was a bonafide wreck. And thus, began my work trend over the next few weeks.

  To everyone, I was back to normal and it was business as usual. Only Lucy kept a keen eye on me. I was careful to maintain my façade. But it was difficult. She was digging hard, but I was determined not to crack. She took every opportunity to bring Connor up. Each time she watched for a reaction. I gave her none. So, I heard all about how his time had improved in the heats and that finals in July were looking promising. I simply smiled and said, “That’s nice.” His company had secured another contract for him for the next five years. “Good for him.” He had bought a new race car and named it ‘Annie-Girl’. I had almost choked when I heard that one but had managed to keep the blank look pasted on my face just the same. “Interesting name.” Lucy had looked at me sharply and hastily made it known that it wasn’t like he was dating anyone named Annie or anything like that. The whole family, she had stated, were in the dark regarding the selection of that name. If only they knew.

  And so, it went on daily. But once I closed the door to my home it was a different case altogether. Admittedly I wasn’t as bad as before, but I still missed him. In the weeks since we had broken up, I had come to a grand conclusion. I loved Connor King with all my heart. But by all indication, it was not meant to be. In all the hints Lucy had dropped she had also mentioned his decision to live closer to the track in the weeks leading up to the Grand Prix. The last time he had come home had been the weekend of the last message he had sent. That had been the final breaking. After that I became robotic.

  Each morning I would wake up, eat, shower, dress and drive to work. I would put my heart and soul into my selections and walkthroughs. Business was good as we gained several sales. Attitude did determine altitude. Each evening I walked in, put down my things, ate, read the real estate classifieds and made my notes for the next day. Sometimes I went to the gym and wore myself out before dragging my beaten body home. I was always in that zone for twenty-three hours and thirty minutes out of each day. But it was those final moments just before I would drift off to sleep that would bring back a taste of reality. I slept with his shirt on my pillow each night. Then and only then would I allow my heart to beat sadly. I would fall asleep clutching that little piece of him. I allowed myself that much.

  12

  Connor

  “How was that?”

  I vaulted out of my race car and walked over to the timekeeper.

  “1:25.349. You can do better King. The time is good, but it’s got to be great. Some of these teams aren’t going to let up for even a fraction of a second. We’ve got to be all over them.”

  “Relax, Chad. Team Fabelli has this one in the bag. I was taking a nap just now.”

  My pit team grinned as the team owner slapped me on the back.

  “That’s the spirit. That Annie-Girl is a beauty. It seems to be your good luck charm. She takes those corners like a dream.”

  I looked at the sleek black Mercedes race car that my mechanics were now wheeling back into the garage. I had been through quite a few cars, but none could compare to this one. As I made my way to the locker room, I thought about fortunate life had been for me and I was barely brushing twenty-five. I knew quite a few blokes that I had gone to university with wondered how I got the breaks I had. I’ve always lived by the mantra ‘Fortune favors the brave’.

  Race cars had been a hobby from the time I became aware of what a race car was. Even before I could walk, I had my toy cars. As I grew older mum and dad realized that I had a knack for fiddling and fixing and therein started my miniature car collection. Many an assembly kit of one vehicle or another was always under the Christmas tree. I did the whole Go Karting scene and was quite good at it. But high school was an epiphany for me. I entered the auto class for the first time at age fifteen and knew that I had found my destiny. Nothing gave me more joy than to pull an engine apart and put it back together. I wanted to work on cars, but not just any car – racecars.

  I nurtured and honed the gift all through university and when the chance came to work in the team Fabelli pit I jumped at it. In the few weeks I was there I made a reputation as one of the fastest and best mechanics. My getting into a car was accidental. But when fate lines up your ducks in a row and starts picking them off there was nothing to be done. Whereas I was an excellent mechanic in the pit, behind the wheel I proved to be a phenomenon.

  I had not come up through the ranks of those who had been racing professionally even before their foot could touch a gas pedal. I was an anomaly. It had been a mere three years since I had taken my first spin on the track and I had not looked back since. I sometimes wondered what had possessed Mr. Ross to toss me the keys that summer morning and told me to warm up the car and the track for practice.

  As soon as I had entered and strapped in, I felt as if I had become one with the vehicle. Ten laps later there was a crowd in my pit. Everyone had been astounded by the time of the laps that I had done. I wrote it off as a fluke until the next day when I did it again, and even managed to shave off a few seconds. By the end of the week, I had a contract and a race. I was voted rookie of the year.

  The Formula 1 racing world had had to sit up and take notice when I had come second in the Australian Grand Prix last year. But this year I was hungry for it and had my sights set on the London Grand Prix. I didn’t give a care in the world about those who had been in it for longer. I would be doing no one any favors when I took the track in a few days. We were all equal standing regardless of age and experience and we were all already winners in our own right. We had to be the best of the best to qualify and at the top of our respective performances. This year had been a favorable one for me.

  I rummaged in the cubicle for my toiletry items and made my way to the shower. I sighed as the hot spray touched my aching body. I had been
working my ass off the past few weeks. It was one of the things that kept me sane and kept me from thinking about other things. After the last weekend, I had spent at home waiting for Serena to reach out I had decided to stay closer to the track on the weekends. The extra time and work yielded results almost immediately. It wasn’t that being with Serena had thrown me off my game, but the pain and anger of being without her had fueled my driving even more. My one consolation had been my latest acquisition and the name I had bestowed on it – Annie-Girl. She was a beauty and reminded me of Serena. She fit me perfectly.

  I wasted no time in drying off and getting dressed. As I headed to the parking lot my phone rang.

  “Connor.”

  “Hi, Connor!”

  “Hey, Lucy! What’s up?” I held the phone between my ear and shoulder as I tossed my duffel bag into the back seat and hopped into the truck. It had been a few weeks since her outburst and she had reluctantly decided that I could stay in the family a little longer. I was eternally grateful that her highness had deigned to show me such mercy.

  “I’m just checking to see how you’re doing. How was practice?”

  “Great actually. My times are looking good. I think I’m all set for Sunday. We’ll just keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best.”

  “That’s all we can do, luv. The tickets were delivered this morning. There’s an extra one though. Is it for someone?”

  I rolled my eyes at Lucy’s version of being subtle. I evened my tone and responded casually.

  “I just thought you might have a random friend from the office, like a coworker or a boss, who might want to come to the races. That’s all. But if you’re not going to use it please send it right back. There are other persons I could give it to.”