Minus Me

by Ingelin Rossland

  ‘That’s brilliant,’ says Linda, smiling.

  The news is better than good, since they’ve had everything checked. This time there really is going to be a baby.

  ‘Aren’t you pleased? Would you have preferred a little sister?’ asks her father.

  ‘No, no. A brother is perfect.’

  The coffee is ready, and Linda pours some out for her father.

  ‘Thanks,’ he says taking a gulp. ‘That’s lovely!’

  ‘You’ve grown up so much!’ says her mother.

  ‘Thanks. I think I have too,’ says Linda, unable to hide a smile.

  She hears the water boiling in the pan, and takes it off the heat.

  ‘But you do know how frightened we’ve been?’ says her mother, pushing her mug over to Linda. Linda pours the water on a tea bag, wondering what to say. It suddenly feels unnecessary for her to have run off. It’s so good that they’re here, and that they’ve driven through the night to find her. All their worrying, right down to the little things, like whether she’s dried her hair before going out in the cold; it all points to the fact they love her. Linda knows that. And when she looks into her parents’ faces, she feels it even more. She means the world to them. Even with a little brother on the way, she is irreplaceable. They’ve come all the way here to tell her that.

  ‘Yes, I do know,’ answers Linda. ‘But I had to go. There’s something I’ve got to put right.’

  ‘What?’ asks her mother, leaning across the table. ‘Is there something we can help you with?’

  ‘No. I’ve got to sort this out on my own.’

  ‘But maybe you can tell us what it is? Maybe we can help you with some advice,’ suggests her father. ‘We were young once, you know,’ he says with a smile.

  ‘It’s Axel. We fell out this the summer. It was just a stupid misunderstanding. But it was mainly my fault. So I’m the one who needs to apologize,’ explains Linda.

  ‘And you couldn’t just ring him?’ asks her mother, with a little tinge of sarcasm.

  ‘I need to do this,’ says Linda. ‘Afterwards I’ll come home. I promise.’

  Her mother shakes her head despairingly, but eventually nods. Her father asks if she can’t turn her mobile on at least, and carry it with her. When she tells them she’s been stupid and thrown her phone away, her mother simply pushes her own across the table. Linda picks it up, weighs it in her hand, wondering if she should say more.

  ‘I love you both, and the baby too, even if I haven’t actually met him,’ she says.

  ‘And we love you too, our little treasure,’ says her mother. ‘But go on now. Do what you have to do.’

  ‘Thank you,’ says Linda, putting the phone in her pocket.

  It’s a cold and clear morning outside. Linda takes the bicycle out of the shed. She feels strong as she peddles up the hill to the main road. It is still very early and she cycles slowly. She focuses on her breathing the way Zak taught her on the train. She lets her mind move gently with her breath. As she breathes in she pushes her left foot down on the peddle. And as she breathes out, she pushes down with the right. And so she rides along, not rushing the day. She’ll get there when she gets there.

  Chapter 50

  Linda leans her bike against the fence, releases her rucksack from the rack, and takes a slip of paper from the side pocket. She has a faint feeling that she has been followed. She turns quickly and looks down the road. Surely it’s not her parents again? She has to smile when she sees who her pursuer is. It’s just the cat. The one that stayed with her all night. She stuffs the slip of paper in her pocket, and bends down to stroke it.

  ‘How did you get here? I thought you’d left me when you weren’t there this morning. Ah, you’re such a beautiful pussycat.’

  The cat purrs in reply and rubs itself against her legs. Linda crouches down, but then it suddenly reaches out its paw and scratches the back of her hand.

  ‘You’re quite right,’ says Linda. ‘I can’t put it off any longer.’

  She gets up and looks towards the house. She glances back down at the cat. It grimaces as though it’s hissing, but no noise comes out. Linda takes the slip of paper out of her trouser pocket. Her lips move as she reads what’s written on it. Then she walks up to the house. She tries to think about her breathing: breathe in deep and take a step; breathe out slowly and take a step. But it’s completely useless. Her breathing is shallow, her heart is thumping, and her hands are so sweaty she’s worried the ink on the paper will smudge. Crazy Zak and his stupid breathing exercises, she thinks.

  Reaching the top of the front steps, Linda presses the doorbell. No hesitation now! Her ears are pounding. The slip of paper is soggy with sweat. Axel has got to be the one who comes to the door. And he has to come soon. She hears footsteps in the house. Somebody is walking about in their socks. It must be Axel, since his parents always wear slippers with clunky soles. Those super-healthy clogs from Germany. The door opens. It’s Axel.

  ‘Linda?’ says Axel, with a questioning look.

  He looks paler than he does in the summer, but he’s wearing the same Brazil football shirt. Yellow doesn’t suit him. It doesn’t go with his blond hair. Should she tell him? She wants to. She’d rather anything but what she’s written on the slip of paper. Still, she clears her throat and looks down at it, her hand shaking:

  You were the one who taught me the bass,

  So I stood on stage and I didn’t lose face.

  Whenever I dream it’s your hands I see,

  I need more than friendship, that’s now clear to me.

  As Linda gets to the end a shadow comes up behind Axel. A little hand slips into his. A figure with blonde, almost-white hair that hangs loose, and which is quickly pushed to one side with the other hand. Mia.

  ‘Who is it?’ asks Mia.

  Linda can see that Mia has grown since last summer, and looks even better than she does in her new profile picture. And now Mia rests her cheek against the yellow football shirt, which is also in that profile picture. The dental braces have gone, and so has the puppy fat. And Axel? Have his hands been under that pullover? Has he touched her there? And did he do it with the same sensitive touch as when he brushed Linda’s hair from her face last summer?

  ‘It’s Linda, as you can see,’ answers Axel, releasing his hand from Mia’s.

  ‘Linda? I didn’t recognize you with your new hair,’ says Mia with a giggle, revealing her beautifully straightened teeth.

  Linda screws up her slip of paper and flings it away as she jumps down the steps. The gravel crunches under her feet as she runs towards the gate. She puts her hand on the top of the gate and swings herself over. Oh my God, how did I do that? she thinks, landing safely on the other side. Just, whoosh, over the gate, as if it was nothing. She throws herself onto her bicycle and peddles away from Axel’s house.

  Chapter 51

  Linda doesn’t stop until she’s down by the little shop on the harbour. She throws the bike down, kicks the wheel and flings herself onto a bench that’s warming in the sun. Axel and Mia! Of course! That’s why he hasn’t been on the internet lately, and why the texts have got shorter. Mia! Little Miss Rose-Pink! Little Miss Whatever-You-Say. Or Little Miss I-Don’t-Dare, whenever somebody’s got a fun idea. Linda imagines Axel asking to touch Mia’s boobs, and Mia saying: But of course you can, Axel. Blush blush blush.

  ‘Shit!’

  Linda gets up from the bench and kicks the wheel of her bike again. What kind of an idiot is she? Travelling all the way from Trondheim just for this! Everything was meant to be perfect. Eternal, perfect love. She was going to faint – or even die – in his arms. Gazing out at the sea, with the cry of the gulls in the distance. Oh, so romantic! But oh, so ridiculously unrealistic! Why couldn’t she have left it as a dream? Why did she have to travel all this way?

  It’s Zak’s fault. And since Zak isn’t here to get a well-deserved kick in the arse, her bike gets a third kick. The bike, which has always been her pride and joy, now has scratches
in its metallic blue paint. She turns away from it, and it lies helplessly with its front wheel spinning.

  ‘You’re pathetic,’ snorts Linda, marching into the shop.

  The bell over the door rings brightly, reminding her of the summer. The teenager behind the counter is reading a magazine and barely looks up when Linda comes in. Linda goes straight over to the fridge and takes a Fanta. It’s as though she’s on autopilot, the same drink she and Axel used to buy and share. Ha! Now she can have a whole bottle of Fanta to herself. She goes to pay. She’s got enough money for a little chocolate bar too.

  ‘Wait, don’t forget your change,’ says the girl behind the counter.

  ‘You can keep it, for luck or something,’ says Linda, going back out.

  The cat is waiting for her outside. It’s rubbing its cheek against the abandoned bicycle, as though marking its territory. It’s purring and seems to be in a good mood again.

  ‘You’re following me about everywhere. What are you after, eh?’ asks Linda, crouching down.

  The cat strolls over with its tail straight up and starts rubbing its cheek on her legs.

  ‘Oh, so you think I belong to you, do you?’ asks Linda. She laughs, but doesn’t stroke it. The scratch on her right hand reminds her that she’s dealing with a capricious little creature.

  A Fanta is just what she needs now. She puts the top of the bottle on the edge of the bench and knocks off the cap. It clatters on the asphalt and rolls across the uneven surface. The cat leaps about, investigating this new plaything.

  Linda is about to put the bottle to her lips when she sees two people peddling towards her on a bicycle. Axel, with Little Miss Rose-Pink on the crossbar, sitting snugly between his arms as he steers, hair fluttering like candyfloss from under the pink woolly hat that matches her pink pullover. She looks like one giant pink sweetie. Linda spits, then on complete impulse, grabs the cat and throws herself behind the corner of the shop. The cat meows loudly and sinks its teeth into her.

  ‘Ow!’ she says, dropping the cat, and putting the back of her hand into her mouth. It’s bleeding.

  The cat looks up at her. Its tail is so bushy, you don’t need to be a cat expert to know that it’s very angry.

  ‘Don’t you understand? We have to hide quietly, you stupid creature,’ whispers Linda.

  Naturally the cat doesn’t answer. The shop bell rings again as Axel and Mia go in. Axel’s bicycle is standing neatly parked outside. Linda wants to kick it over. There it stands, newly polished and gleaming in the sun.

  ‘What the hell?’ The words just pop out of her mouth as she sees Axel and Mia come out again with a bottle of Fanta, which they are clearly going to share. Linda looks down at the bottle in her own hand, and suddenly doesn’t feel thirsty. She doesn’t want a whole bottle of Fanta to herself. She slings it onto a heap of dirty snow that hasn’t melted away in the sun yet. The contents trickle out. It looks like piss.

  Linda hears Mia squealing with laughter. She peeps round the corner, only to see Mia drinking from the bottle as Axel holds it. Oh my God! Can’t you even hold your own drink bottle? Then Mia holds the bottle for Axel. A few drops spill and Mia takes off one of her gloves, which are of course also pink, and wipes the drops off his chin. Then she sticks her fingers in her mouth to lick off the orangeade.

  I want to puke, thinks Linda. In fact, I think I am going to puke. She goes over to a pile of snow, leans forward and retches, but nothing comes up. She sticks her fingers down her throat, but with the same result. The only thing that lands in the snow is her mother’s phone. It has slipped out of her pocket. She’s amazed to see that her parents haven’t sent her a million texts. Perhaps they’ve finally realized she’s a teenager and can look after herself?

  Linda picks up the phone and dries it on her sleeve. Then she gets an idea. Meet me at our usual place. Important! Linda, she writes. It’s lucky her mother always insisted on storing all her friends’ numbers. ‘In case of an emergency,’ she used to say. Well, this is an emergency! thinks Linda, as she presses the send button.

  She walks back and stands by the corner of the shop. She hears Axel’s phone go off, and she cautiously peeps around the corner. She sees Axel take his arm from around Mia. He fiddles with his phone, reads the message, and then stuffs it quickly back in his pocket.

  ‘I’ve got to go,’ he says, getting up from the bench.

  ‘Who was it?’ asks Mia.

  ‘Er, Mum. I’ve forgotten to clean the toilet.’

  Standing there behind the corner, Linda rolls her eyes to herself. Axel is such a bad liar.

  ‘Okay,’ says Mia. ‘Shall I come with you?’ For once it’s a good thing Mia’s so thick, Linda thinks to herself.

  ‘To clean the toilet? You want to help me clean the toilet?’ says Axel.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘That’s sweet of you, but you really don’t have to! I’ll ring you later, okay?’ says Axel, setting off on his bicycle.

  ‘Can’t we at least walk together?’

  ‘It’s an emergency, Mum’s going crazy,’ says Axel, peddling off before there’s any more discussion on the matter.

  ‘Bye!’ he shouts over his shoulder.

  ‘Bye!’ whispers Linda, laughing to herself.

  Then she tears the wrapper off the little chocolate bar she bought, stuffs it into her mouth whole and feels instantly better.

  Chapter 52

  The sun is shining. There are just a few patches of snow left, and there are green shoots lying in wait under last year’s yellow grass. But it’s still quite cold. It’s strange, though, how much earlier the spring seems to arrive down here in the south of Norway. Up in Trondheim there’s nothing but snow and frost, followed by rain and slush, then more snow and hail, and then, some time in May, spring arrives for two days, and then – pow – it’s summer. Here the spring creeps in from February or March, often bringing endless weeks of rain. A bright, sunny day like this is unusual. Nice, but pretty extraordinary.

  Linda puts her rucksack down, and digs out her birthday dress. She gives it a shake, hoping the creases will drop out. She takes off her jacket, and pulls the stunning little black number over her head. Then she puts her jacket back on and keeps her trousers on underneath. Finally she puts on her tiara, before going down to the edge of the water to look at her reflection. The water in the fjord is calm, yet her reflection is unclear. But yes, she looks pretty good. Linda straightens the tiara. Beneath her reflection she sees a crab scurrying sideways to a hiding place under a stone.

  She remembers a song that her mum had liked from when she was little. Her mum had sung it so much it eventually got stuck in Linda’s brain too. Linda sits on her haunches and peers down at the stone, from which the little crab is poking out. Then she begins singing quietly to herself.

  Back and forth, we’ll row and we’ll row,

  Off to the place where the fishes all go.

  We’ll jump in a boat and leave shore behind,

  We’ll row and we’ll row and soon we will find

  The world of the fishes far, far below.

  Back and forth . . .

  ‘. . . back and forth . . .’ she hears a voice singing behind her, and she sees Axel’s reflection in the water. ‘Sit here at my side, and off we shall go, in my lovely blue boat . . .’ he continues.

  He crouches down beside her before saying that he remembers that song too. His school had put on a show in fourth grade, and Axel had been Crusty Crab.

  ‘Well, there’s a real Crusty Crab down here,’ says Linda, pointing at the crab under the stone.

  Axel looks at where she’s pointing.

  ‘Yes, a real little devil,’ he says.

  Linda doesn’t answer. She just feels his body close to hers. He is sitting so close. He didn’t have to sit so close. Does he like her more than Mia, perhaps? She decides to do it. She turns towards Axel, takes his face in both hands, closes her eyes, and brings her mouth close to his.

  ‘What are you doing?’

/>   Axel leaps up, and Linda topples into the shallow water. Luckily, she saves herself with both hands. But the little crab gets a bit of a shock. It darts out from under the stone and heads for deeper water.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Linda yells back, getting up. The skirt of her dress is drenched, and so are the arms of her jacket, feet and all the way up to the knees of her trousers.

  ‘I’m sorry. Did you get wet?’ Axel asks.

  ‘As you can see,’ says Linda, wringing out her skirt and taking off her jacket and flinging it down on the beach. She can feel water running into her shoes too.

  ‘I’m sorry. You can borrow mine,’ says Axel.

  He takes off his jacket and gives it to her.

  ‘But won’t you be cold?’ Linda asks.

  ‘I’ve got my pullover on,’ he says. ‘Nice dress, by the way. I hope it’s not spoiled.’

  Axel picks up Linda’s jacket and brushes the sand off it, before tying it round his waist.

  ‘I hope so too. I’m going to be buried in it!’ Linda snarls.

  ‘What do you mean?’ asks Axel.

  Linda doesn’t answer. She goes to her rucksack, lying on the sand. She opens it and takes out the brown envelope.

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘You do ask a lot of questions. Open it and see,’ says Linda, handing it to him.

  Axel opens it and takes out the X-ray. He holds it up to the sun.

  ‘It’s beautiful. What is it?’

  ‘It’s my heart. You can have it,’ says Linda, with a shrug.

  ‘But I . . .’ Axel clears his throat before continuing. ‘I’m with Mia now. You must have realized?’

  ‘But I’m going to die. I came here because my heart is useless. That picture shows it’s completely knackered. The doctor doesn’t know why, or how long it’ll hold out. I came here because you and I have always belonged together, Axel.’