Minus Me

by Ingelin Rossland

  ‘But I didn’t love you! I didn’t even know about you!’ protests Linda.

  ‘No, but I knew about you. I knew you would die before I was born, and so I wanted to meet you,’ says Zak.

  ‘But does that mean that a baby doesn’t get its soul until it’s born?’

  ‘No, it just means that before being born, a baby’s soul is still able to move freely between the physical and non-physical worlds. When we’re born, we begin to forget how it feels to be just a soul without a body.’

  ‘Okay, so you’re my little brother and you came to meet me on the tram. But what happened then?’

  ‘I didn’t want you to die,’ says Zak. ‘So I did something that should never be done. I stopped you in the moment of transition. I interfered with the course of events and messed the end up for you.’

  ‘I see,’ Linda says, although she doesn’t really understand.

  ‘I just wanted to get to know you. I wanted to spend time with you. Do you understand?’

  Linda is still very confused, but she nods anyway, mostly because it’s nice that Zak wanted to know her.

  ‘So when did I actually die?’

  ‘In the swimming pool, after your second dive. The white light you experienced when you were lying at the side of the pool was the transition. You just didn’t realize it. So you were stuck on earth, in a way. And that was my fault,’ says Zak. ‘If I’d let you die on the tram as planned, you wouldn’t have experienced the things that kept you tied to the world. You’d never have found out you were going to be a big sister, or seen the picture of Mia with Axel on your computer, or got together with Oscar. They were all things you had to resolve, which is why your soul ignored your transition. So I had to stay at your side, until you realized you were dead.’

  ‘So none of this really happened?’

  ‘No, not really.’

  ‘I never got to apologize to Axel.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Did he mind?’

  ‘Yes, you hurt him a lot.’

  ‘Now you’re being a bit too honest.’

  ‘Do you really want me to lie?’

  ‘It would feel more pleasant.’

  ‘Life isn’t all that pleasant.’

  ‘Uh-huh, and now that I’ve realized I’m dead? What now?’ Linda runs her fingers through her short blue hair.

  ‘Now we must say goodbye, because you’re safely on the other side.’

  ‘But how can you be older than me, when you’re really just a foetus?’ asks Linda, still not quite able to make sense of it all.

  ‘Because there’s no time here. Everything happens in parallel. We can be any age simultaneously.’

  ‘Or any animal?’

  ‘Yes! I thought the cat was a brilliant idea. And I hoped it would make you suspicious that things had changed.’

  ‘But it didn’t. Stupid me!’ Linda laughs.

  ‘Aren’t you angry?’ asks Zak, looking at her in surprise.

  ‘There’s no point being angry now, is there? But there is one thing you ought to tell me. You said time doesn’t exist here. That everything happens in parallel. Does that mean I can know what happened after my dive? Was I in the newspapers? And who was at my funeral? Did Axel come?’

  Zak doesn’t answer, but smiles.

  ‘Come on, Zak! Please tell me. You owe me that much.’

  ‘I can give you something even better,’ he says, taking her hand.

  Chapter 56

  As though in a dream, the landscape around Linda and Zak transforms.

  ‘Like magic,’ says Zak, as Linda realizes they’re back in the swimming hall.

  They are looking down at Linda’s body lying lifeless on the edge of pool. But this time Zak doesn’t come and pound his fists into her chest. Instead the ambulance men arrive. They bring a defibrillator and try to start her heart, but they fail to revive her. Eventually they put her lifeless body on a stretcher and drape a blanket over it. Then, just as they’re about to pull it right over her face, her mother stops them:

  ‘No!’ she protests, tears running down her cheeks. ‘She won’t be able to breathe if you do that!’

  ‘Ellen, Ellen, she’s dead,’ says her father, putting his arms round her. He nods to the ambulance men and they cover Linda’s face.

  ‘Could we rewind a bit? So I can see that perfect dive?’

  ‘No, we must never see ourselves when we’re in a human body. We’d be tempted to intervene, and that would mess things up.’

  Zak squeezes Linda’s hand gently, and suddenly the floor under their feet changes to a grey linoleum. When Linda looks up they are in a hospital. Her parents are there together with a doctor in an open white coat.

  ‘Your daughter suffered from a rare heart condition. It caused her heart to just stop,’ says the doctor.

  ‘But she was so fit and healthy,’ her mother protests.

  ‘Indeed, and nobody could have foreseen it or done anything to prevent it. I’m terribly sorry,’ says the doctor, and Linda can see from his expression that he truly means it.

  ‘Did I get in the newspapers?’ Linda whispers urgently.

  ‘It’s okay to talk normally. They can’t hear us.’

  Zak gives her hand another squeeze, and suddenly they’re in front of a rack of newspapers.

  ‘Wow!’ Linda exclaims, seeing herself on the front page of all three newspapers: death dive. mysterious death at the baths. tragedy in trondheim.

  ‘And you know something? Little by little, people will start talking about the pool being haunted by a ghost.’

  ‘Really?’ says Linda. ‘Like the monk in the cathedral?’

  ‘Better. They’ll say that if you feel a warm breath on your neck when you’re on the top diving board, then you’ll do the best dive of your life.’

  ‘That’s brilliant,’ says Linda.

  She likes the idea of a bit of her still being on earth, as a power for the good. But now, impatient to see more, she squeezes Zak’s hand. This time, a long red carpet appears beneath their feet. Linda looks up. At the front of the church stands a coffin. A completely ordinary white coffin. Surrounding the coffin are flowers. Linda suddenly wants to cry.

  ‘It’s okay to cry at funerals,’ says Zak, putting his arm round her. ‘Especially your own.’

  Zak and Linda follow the coffin out of the church, where it’s lifted into a black car to be driven to the cemetery.

  ‘Do you fancy flying?’ Zak asks, and before she can answer, he has whisked her up from the ground and they are floating at a gentle pace above the funeral car carrying her body.

  Linda and Zak are the first to arrive at the open grave. Zak puts his hand gently on her shoulder as the coffin and the mourners approach. Everybody from her class is there. Markus and Oscar are walking on either side of Maria. Linda looks around for Axel. Didn’t he come to her funeral? As she searches for his face in the crowd, her gaze alights on the hateful Henrik. Henrik is wearing dark glasses, but she can see that even he has tears rolling down his cheeks. Then she catches sight of Axel and, standing beside him, Mia.

  ‘What? Is Mia here?’ says Linda.

  ‘Well, you might not believe it, but Mia actually liked you. Even if you did think she was pathetic.’

  As the vicar picks up the little spade to scatter earth on the coffin, Linda is quick to squeeze Zak’s hand again. There are limits to what she wants to see. Zak laughs a little, and suddenly they have linoleum beneath their feet again. They are standing in front of a door.

  ‘You’ll have to go in here alone,’ says Zak. ‘You’ll understand why when you open the door.’

  ‘So, this is goodbye?’

  ‘Let’s say until next time,’ says Zak.

  ‘I’ll miss you,’ says Linda.

  ‘Time doesn’t exist where you are, so you won’t miss me. I’m the one who’ll miss you. I’ll miss you all my life, sister.’

  ‘I’ll take care of you from this side,’ says Linda.

  ‘I know. Go on in now,’ he
says, nodding towards the door.

  Linda stretches her hand out to take the handle. Then, changing her mind, she walks straight through the closed door.

  ‘There are advantages to not having a body,’ she says, looking down at herself with quiet satisfaction.

  Linda hears a gentle cooing sound. She looks up and sees her mother in a hospital bed. Her face is covered in sweat and she has her hair up in a messy bun. Next to her mother stands her father. They are both peering down at a little blue bundle that’s lying at her mother’s breast. Linda walks over to her parents and looks down at the little face.

  ‘Isn’t he beautiful?’ says her mother.

  ‘Yes,’ Linda and her father say in chorus.

  Linda looks across at her father. But of course he can’t hear her. The baby, however, opens his eyes, and Linda instantly recognizes his gaze. It’s Zak. It really is him. Her brother.

  ‘Take care of our parents,’ whispers Linda.

  ‘Oh, look at those eyes!’ exclaims her mother. ‘What a wise gaze.’

  ‘Yes, he is the wisest and most amazing baby since Linda was born,’ his father replies. ‘I wish she could have met him, and that she was here now.’

  ‘You know what,’ her mother says. ‘I think she is here. It’s as if I can feel she’s looking after her little brother.’